It all started because I needed to update the profile picture on my personal Facebook page.
I’ve since added another little peanut to our troupe, given that this photo was taken over two years ago. And, my hair isn’t short anymore, nor do I have bangs.
Also, I spilled bleach on that shirt so I don’t even own it anymore.
I have an iPhone. I can take a selfie. People do it all the time. How hard can it be?
Besides, I straightened my hair yesterday. And even put on some makeup. And let’s face it: when my suburban, stay at home mom to four little ones self finds the time and energy to flat iron her hair, it is a momentous occasion worthy of sharing WITH ALL OF THE INTERNETS.
So, I sat on my bed where we get the best natural light and thought I’d snap a couple. This shouldn’t take long. Just a sec, honey. Mommy will help you with your math in a minute.
After staring at the image of myself on my phone for a while, making all manner of fake looking smiles that I couldn’t even bear to capture, I thought I’d try a silly face.
Oh dear sweet baby Jesus.
This was a lot harder than I thought it would be.
How do teenagers do this all day every day???!!!
I need to make my eyes look surprised too.
And really…one of my eyes looks bigger than the other. It’s like a surprised, crazy eyed Quasimodo.
Then I thought, ‘hey, I’ll pretend like I’m laughing!’
What the heck am I laughing at?
Nothing, that’s what.
Okay, back to silly faces.
Except that now…I don’t even know. It’s just bad.
The before picture in a Botox commercial, among other things.
I tried looking down…off to the side…all kinds of things. But when I wasn’t looking right at the camera I couldn’t tell where the button to click was, or where I was pointing it, and suddenly I only had the side of my head in the frame.
Not only was this obscenely awkward, but it was a lot harder than it looked.
FINALLY, I just resorted to looking at the camera and doing a Mona Lisa smile.
Luckily, my hair was looking pretty good, and when you slap a Rise Instagram filter on it, all those Botox begging lines magically disappear.
And then…oh mah word…the comments from y’all.
I was already hyperventilating that I had A) taken a selfie, B) uploaded it to Instagram, and C) making it my profile picture, and then the “Wow, you look great!” and “Are you 20?” stuffs.
I wanted to crawl into a hole and DIE. You guys. I love you. Truly. I do. But I don’t do compliments. It gives me anxiety. I can’t handle it. So please, knock it off.
Besides, Instagram is forgiving. You saw this already. Filters are your friend.
(Quick background: I HATE being in pictures. HATE. I cried midway through my engagement pictures from sheer embarrassment and had to seriously psych myself out the night before my wedding day knowing I would be in 1,486 photos. I was more freaked out about being photographed than I was committing the REST OF MY GOD GIVEN LIFE to another human being. So when you guys go all “Look at you!’ on me, I basically have a panic attack. For reals.)
(Also, yes, I know I have issues. Psychoanalyze me.)
(So basically, this post proves my undying love for you. Just so you know.)
Since I was in Selfie Hog Heaven, and completely captivated by this teen phenomenon, I thought I’d capture the quintessential sefie:
Duck Face Peace Sign Toilet Seflie.
Friends, we have to discuss this seriously.
Do you see that scrunched forehead?
Not only is it a sign of my 30 something age, it is also due to EXTREME concentration.
Now, I realize I’m about as coordinated as a grapefruit in general (But wait, grapefruits don’t even…EXACTLY)…but this is an art form people! Trying to make a duck face WHILE making a peace sign WHILE keeping the toilet seat in the frame WHILE looking at the mirror WHILE clicking the button is 100 times harder than it looks.
Do not ever again mock the DFPSTS!!! (That’s short for Duck Face Peace Sign Toilet Selfie. I made that up right now. It’s totally about to trend.).
THE YOUTH OF AMERICA POSSESS A TALENT!!!!
I kid you not, this is tough stuff! If I was trying to also get the Down the Shirt too…oh man…that’s for the pros. I’m not there in my Selfie journey yet. That’s a whole other level. It would be the DFPSTCS. (The C is for Cleavage. Obvs.) Reserved for only true selfie artists. In fact, my DFPSTS is blurry. I haven’t even perfected the beginner level yet.
I’m going to study the FB photos of some of the younger set and see if I can recreate some of the other classic poses. You know, so I can stay relevant. I’m sure my kids won’t be mortified or anything. They’ll see how hard their mom tries to be hip and cool. I’ll selfie it up at preschool pick up. It’ll be awesome.
So, all of this to say: the Selfie is much harder than it looks. So the next time you see a 15 year old busting out the DFPSTS I want you to applaud them. In fact, maybe do the slow clap. Their talent is impressive.
And if you don’t believe me, I challenge you to try it today. I’m not even kidding. Do it. DFPSTS. If you’re brave enough, tag it #selfiesat30. Because I want to LOL today. Maybe even a little ROTFLMAO.
Dare you. Double dog.