It all started because I needed to update the profile picture on my personal Facebook page.
I’ve since added another little peanut to our troupe, given that this photo was taken over two years ago. And, my hair isn’t short anymore, nor do I have bangs.
Also, I spilled bleach on that shirt so I don’t even own it anymore.
I have an iPhone. I can take a selfie. People do it all the time. How hard can it be?
Besides, I straightened my hair yesterday. And even put on some makeup. And let’s face it: when my suburban, stay at home mom to four little ones self finds the time and energy to flat iron her hair, it is a momentous occasion worthy of sharing WITH ALL OF THE INTERNETS.
So, I sat on my bed where we get the best natural light and thought I’d snap a couple. This shouldn’t take long. Just a sec, honey. Mommy will help you with your math in a minute.
After staring at the image of myself on my phone for a while, making all manner of fake looking smiles that I couldn’t even bear to capture, I thought I’d try a silly face.
Oh dear sweet baby Jesus.
This was a lot harder than I thought it would be.
How do teenagers do this all day every day???!!!
The eyes.
I need to make my eyes look surprised too.
Good grief.
And really…one of my eyes looks bigger than the other. It’s like a surprised, crazy eyed Quasimodo.
Then I thought, ‘hey, I’ll pretend like I’m laughing!’
What the heck am I laughing at?
Nothing, that’s what.
Okay, back to silly faces.
Except that now…I don’t even know. It’s just bad.
The before picture in a Botox commercial, among other things.
I tried looking down…off to the side…all kinds of things. But when I wasn’t looking right at the camera I couldn’t tell where the button to click was, or where I was pointing it, and suddenly I only had the side of my head in the frame.
Not only was this obscenely awkward, but it was a lot harder than it looked.
FINALLY, I just resorted to looking at the camera and doing a Mona Lisa smile.
Luckily, my hair was looking pretty good, and when you slap a Rise Instagram filter on it, all those Botox begging lines magically disappear.
And then…oh mah word…the comments from y’all.
I was already hyperventilating that I had A) taken a selfie, B) uploaded it to Instagram, and C) making it my profile picture, and then the “Wow, you look great!” and “Are you 20?” stuffs.
I wanted to crawl into a hole and DIE. You guys. I love you. Truly. I do. But I don’t do compliments. It gives me anxiety. I can’t handle it. So please, knock it off.
Besides, Instagram is forgiving. You saw this already. Filters are your friend.
(Quick background: I HATE being in pictures. HATE. I cried midway through my engagement pictures from sheer embarrassment and had to seriously psych myself out the night before my wedding day knowing I would be in 1,486 photos. I was more freaked out about being photographed than I was committing the REST OF MY GOD GIVEN LIFE to another human being. So when you guys go all “Look at you!’ on me, I basically have a panic attack. For reals.)
(Also, yes, I know I have issues. Psychoanalyze me.)
(So basically, this post proves my undying love for you. Just so you know.)
Since I was in Selfie Hog Heaven, and completely captivated by this teen phenomenon, I thought I’d capture the quintessential sefie:
Duck Face Peace Sign Toilet Seflie.
Friends, we have to discuss this seriously.
Do you see that scrunched forehead?
Not only is it a sign of my 30 something age, it is also due to EXTREME concentration.
Now, I realize I’m about as coordinated as a grapefruit in general (But wait, grapefruits don’t even…EXACTLY)…but this is an art form people! Trying to make a duck face WHILE making a peace sign WHILE keeping the toilet seat in the frame WHILE looking at the mirror WHILE clicking the button is 100 times harder than it looks.
Do not ever again mock the DFPSTS!!! (That’s short for Duck Face Peace Sign Toilet Selfie. I made that up right now. It’s totally about to trend.).
THE YOUTH OF AMERICA POSSESS A TALENT!!!!
I kid you not, this is tough stuff! If I was trying to also get the Down the Shirt too…oh man…that’s for the pros. I’m not there in my Selfie journey yet. That’s a whole other level. It would be the DFPSTCS. (The C is for Cleavage. Obvs.) Reserved for only true selfie artists. In fact, my DFPSTS is blurry. I haven’t even perfected the beginner level yet.
I’m going to study the FB photos of some of the younger set and see if I can recreate some of the other classic poses. You know, so I can stay relevant. I’m sure my kids won’t be mortified or anything. They’ll see how hard their mom tries to be hip and cool. I’ll selfie it up at preschool pick up. It’ll be awesome.
So, all of this to say: the Selfie is much harder than it looks. So the next time you see a 15 year old busting out the DFPSTS I want you to applaud them. In fact, maybe do the slow clap. Their talent is impressive.
And if you don’t believe me, I challenge you to try it today. I’m not even kidding. Do it. DFPSTS. If you’re brave enough, tag it #selfiesat30. Because I want to LOL today. Maybe even a little ROTFLMAO.
Dare you. Double dog.
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Complete Awesomeness! I suck at selfies also… you rock, also your hair is beautiful!
Hahaha! I’m so glad you shared this! Several of my 30-something friends recently made fun of me for using the word “selfie” and called me crazy for wasting my time trying to take a good one! It’s nice to know I’m not the only “crazy” one out there! :)
love this post! i try taking selfies with a toddler in my lap… and while the toddler ALWAYS looks cute, i can never publish the photos because OMG THE DOUBLE CHIN. the angle is impossible to get right. & when i finally get one that is decent of me, the toddler is a blur or halfway out of the photo already. good stuff!
becca @ sewLOVED´s last blog post ..lately
My daughter is a selfie pro. She does selfies like I do coffee. In her sleep. She makes it look so easy, and then I try it and — I totally feel this post. The awkward eye placement conundrum, the creases that you didn’t notice until you do a selfie, the silly face that just looks sad. Not yours though, Jeannett. All yours look great. We are our own worst critics. I did my own version of her selfie duck face peace sign last week. It took me way too long to do something that she can do like Boom! I neglected to get the trifecta with the toilet. Dang! I’m still going to tag it tho b/c I’m so proud of my #selfieat41. I worked hard for it.
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Thank you for the deep belly laugh this morning
What a great blog post. I always chuckle when I see the selfies pic on facebook. I always think, you have 657 friends and you couldn’t get ONE of your “friends” to take a picture?!?!?!
HA! Great point!
Loved this post-much needed giggle, working amidst the middle school set.
the Iowa Expat´s last blog post ..Snow Day
“Duck Face Peace Sign Toilet Seflie” this just sums it all up! :)
Haha I had no idea it was that hard, as I am like you, I hate being photographed (or take pics of myself) so I normally am the one who says “a bit to the left!” or “now smile!” or “stay that way!” when taking pics of the kids…
Good job, you should get a Selfie award! :)
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Haha, this is great. I tried doing a selfie yesterday because I realize I’m not in that many pictures anymore, which sucks.
Instagram filters are definitely my friend.
And my facebook profile picture was me in the snow in central park, I’m pretty sure in 2010 [Pretty much because I remember we haven’t had that much snow in a couple of years…] until a few weeks ago when I realized it needed to change.
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Thanks for the laugh. Oh, and I #selfiesat30 participated ;)
Gwendolyn T´s last blog post ..Blog-a-versary!
I laughed so hard at this – sooo glad I’m not the only one. Seriously – the duck face?!?! Why do teenagers think that is cute! But, how do they even manage to take “selfies” (my God, I hate that word) and make themselves not look like complete morons…
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I HATE…no, LOATH, pics of myself, too. I always look in the mirror and think “But that’s not how I FEEL!!” Ugh. Good work though – mad props for even doing it. 30-somethings can say that, right?
Dope.
Lindsay´s last blog post ..You Just Do
you are awesome! i have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard at this post!
and, to further embarrass you, when i saw you inrl on sunday, i was taken back by how amazing you looked! i thought i loved the short curly hair, but then i thought you got extensions with how amazing your long shiny hair was! so if i looked like that, i’d be taking the selfie’s too.
and agreed. selfie’s are so hard! i feel like i have a GIGANTIC nose when i do it. suburban problems…
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I laughed soooo hard reading this! The toilet picture = the best! You rock.
~Steph @ SIlver Boxes
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That. Is. Too much… Hilarious (and your hair is rockin’)
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Which is why my google plus/blogger selfie is a picture of me with an orange towel draped over my head… artistically, or so I tell myself. Tip: look at the camera lens, not yourself. (p.s. you are gorgeous in real life and instagram land)
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HAHA! This made me laugh so hard. I’m not to the #selfiesat30 point but I could do the #selfiesat26with2kids photos and they would probably look just as ridiculous. thanks for the laugh
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I am dying over here! That is hilarious. my niece is 16, and sweet niblets, she and her friends do nothing but duck face peace sign selfies…it fascinates me ;-)
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