**The winner of the UNmanual is Bethany! Congrats!!!**
Have you been enjoying our series so far? I’ve asked bloggers to answer the prompt: “What didn’t the baby books tell you?” And I’ve loved the wide variety of answers. Today’s post by the uber talented Drew B is no exception. My experience was different, but I totally get what Drew is saying and it resonates with me (a future blog post is brewing). And don’t forget to read all the way to the end for more information on our current fundraiser, and a giveaway!
Before I even told my husband I was pregnant, I ran to our book store and bought every baby book on the shelf. I was a Girl Scout. I like to be prepared. I read every week of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” on the day I turned that week. I was ready. Ready for my water to break. Ready to rush to the hospital. Ready for an extremely uncomfortable and long labor. Ready to love the baby that had been growing inside of me for 40 weeks and 3 days. My biggest fear is that I would poop while in labor.
What I wasn’t prepared for was that I wouldn’t necessarily like my baby. See, I had a tough labor and delivery. I KNOW people have gone through much worse than I did (we were both safe and that’s all that mattered in the end), but it wasn’t that text book labor and delivery that I was expecting. I ended up having preeclampsia 3 days past my due date. Went on “the mag” (magnesium sulfate), which is horrible and makes you feel completely out of it. Labored for 20 hours. Started bleeding pretty bad at five centimeters. And then, after all that, ended up with an emergency c-section. I was there physically when my son was born, but not there mentally or emotionally.
Because I was so drained physically and emotionally from the start, I never had the chance to bond with my son, Brayden.
I loved him. I would have given my life for him after only knowing him for a minute. But, to be totally and completely honest, I didn’t like him. I saw him as this thing that was sucking the life out of me. I was a human vending machine. That was my sole purpose in life and I hated it. I desperately wanted to get back to work and find myself again. I told all of my friends not to have kids. To wait. I swore I would never have another child. Motherhood did not come easily to me. It wasn’t natural. I’ve always been successful at everything I’ve done in my life and I felt a bit like a big, fat failure for not having that special bond with my son. Shouldn’t that have happened during those 9 long months he was inside of me? I wasn’t depressed, but I just wasn’t happy.
It wasn’t until he became more independent that I started to feel a connection with him. Around the time Brayden turned 4 months and started smiling and reciprocating feelings I did indeed start to like the kid.
He could hold his head up and I wasn’t so scared that I would break him, he could entertain himself and play with toys, and I became more confident in my role as a mom. We eventually got that mother / son bond, but it just took a bit longer than normal.
I had a scheduled c-section with my daughter Kennedy (yes, I had another one after I swore off more children!). It was an easy birth and I bonded with her instantly. Right as I was nursing her for the first time. When she cried it hurt in my gut. I immediately felt such a connection with her. And I started to feel guilty that I didn’t get that with Brayden. I felt jipped that I didn’t get that with him. It wasn’t until I had Kennedy that I realized how disconnected I had been from Brayden.
Brayden is 4 now and not only do I love him, but I like him. He is creative, smart, handsome, sensitive, and hilariously funny.
I love the way he sings Little Mermaid. He is the BEST big brother in the entire world.
I love the way he calls me his princess and how he shakes his booty before he gets in the bath. He is still demanding. But, I’ve realized he totally gets that from me.
We have a bond that can’t be broken. It just took a little longer for us to get there. And I’m now okay with that. I am so proud and lucky to be his mama.
* * * *
Isn’t this mommy thing totally unexpected? Drew is SO right. They don’t tell you about this stuff in the baby books. Or at least, I don’t remember reading it!
Another thing they don’t mention?
That your mama heart suddenly shreds itself to pieces at the thought of other babies…babies that aren’t even yours…suffering.
Imagine having to give your babies dirty water. Because you have no choice. Knowing that it’s likely contaminated and could very well KILL them. But you have no choice.
Blech. WORST. thing. ever.
So, let’s band together: a bunch of 21st century moms helping out moms on the other side of the globe in a very 21st century way.
Let’s help build a well. I mean, why the heck not? It’s easy. Takes but a few minutes. And it’s good. So good.
GIVEAWAY CLOSED
And Drew wants to sweeten the deal for you…she’s giving away a copy of her UNmanual ($95 value). “The UNmanual is a guide that explains why your DSLR camera does what it does… in English.”
And if there is ANYONE I want teaching me how to use my camera, it is this girl. Have you seen her pictures? Seriously…just get lost on her site. You’ll die at least ten times over.
Here’s how to enter:
1) Comment on this post. (1 entry. Mandatory.)
2) Share this post via Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, or your blog. There’s even buttons below to make it easy! (1 entry max. Even if you do all 4.)
3) DONATE to our fundraiser. Please? Pretty please? (1 entry per dollar donated. Unlimited entries.)
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I would LOVE to win the unmanual. I have a DSLR and desperately need to learn how to use it!
Love her website! The UNmanual looks fantastic!
I’m so there with the “I don’t know if I like this kid” thing! It was probably about 4 months for me too with my oldest. Like you I wasn’t unhappy, just felt sort of mechanical about the whole mothering thing. And to hear people gushing about their babies before they were even born sort of freaked me out! But like you the bonding did come and I realized that I am just really slow to like people, even my own kids. I know that sounds tremendously un-mom-like, but it’s true. It’s actually happened with each of them. But we have all made it and we all love each other deeply now. My youngest is now 9 months old and is probably our last baby and sometimes I can hardly bear to put him down because I’m so enamored with him.
There’s a lot to be said for de-fantisizing the new-mom stage!
Janice´s last blog post ..I’d like to be a little like the moon
I had a friend who had a similar experience and she felt so much guilt about not loving her baby right off the bat. Now her girls are 7 and 5 and they’re soooo bonded and in love, but it is SO important for moms-to-be to know that this is normal. It’s just not talked about as much as it should be.
PS – Been coveting Drew’s UNmanual for years. I am dealing with my guilt for not understanding my DSLR and having to use the flash for, like, every single picture. Why? I have no idea! For reals! :)
I have been wanting this unManual for a long time and would love to own a copy! I loved reading her post above…thanks for sharing :)
Have wanted the UNmanual for awhile. Drew’s pictures are lovely and I’d like to be a better momtog and learn it her book. Thanks for the giveaway.
I can totally relate to loving your baby to death, but not really liking them all that well and feeling drained and touched out and just BLA :(
I would LOVE to have the UNmanual, I am a beginner photographer with professional aspirations and this manual would help me greatly im sure :)
Shared on Pintrest http://pinterest.com/pin/121104677450339083/
Drew-
Thanks for your honesty & great post! I was totally right there with you with Isaiah. He had severe reflux so he was a really cranky baby. I spent the first months trying to figure out what was wrong with him & how I could make him happy. I totally felt like I was failing & I too am a bit of a perfectionist. I loved him- but I didn’t have that gushy, “in love” with him feeling that so many friends talked about. It took about 4 months for the connection to come with us too. When I heard from other women that this is normal and happens often, it healed my heart & helped me correct the wrong thinking that I was a bad mom. So thanks for sharing your story- I know it will help a lot of mamas out there!
Btw- I totally remember you saying you wouldn’t have another one :) I’m so glad you changed your mind & have sweet Kennedy now!
Would love to win a copy of the UNmanual!! Thx for the giveaway :)
Enjoying this series on what the baby books don’t tell you!
Thanks Drew! My story is a little similar with my first born son. Labored for 32 hours and pushed for the last 2.5 hours only to end in a c-section. I wasn’t there mentally afterwards because I was so drained and in a lot of pain so I didn’t see my baby until the next day. We had a very rough start and I struggled with my feelings toward him for a while. I knew I loved him but he caused me so much pain that I couldn’t help but step back from him. Luckily, it didn’t last too long and now he’s my love. My birth plan was definitely thrown out the door and didn’t go as planned.
Thanks for the giveaway!
I agree with the previous commenter, I am enjoying this series. I’m waiting to read a story like mine, or that I can closely relate to.
Thank you for the giveaway opportunity.
Thanks for sharing your story Drew! It means a lot to hear about the real side of motherhood. Thanks for the giveaway.
I NEED the unmanual. Lets just say whenever I start to feel like I have a handle on my camera, I try to take a picture of my 11 month old and realize I have no clue what I am doing!
Oh, I so relate. I was very young when I had my first… didn’t know what I was doing, and so scared. I started to resent her. Thankfully, I worked through that… she’s 23 now, and I love her so much!
wendy´s last blog post ..InstaFriday
The Unmanual sounds amazing. Her photos are gorgeous. I really appreciate her sharing her story. I think it is so important for women to share all the sides of motherhood.
What a great post. Thanks for sharing!
I loved this post. It is so true.
What gorgeous photos! If that book is what it takes, count me in!
Would love to win her UNmanual! She is an amazing photographer and some day i will fly out to her and have her take my families pictures!
Love when women are honest like this. Authenticity speaks!
Kerry @ Made For Real´s last blog post ..Link Up
Love her website! Will love to win!
Oh, wow… I can relate to this in some ways. I bonded with my first son immediately when he was born. But when he was still in the womb, I felt no connection to him. And that made me nervous. Every book, every person told me I would love him before I ever saw him. And I truly loved the idea of him, but I just couldn’t connect with him until I saw him.
And the baby books didn’t tell me that the most annoying comment I would receive would be… “Wow. My kids never acted like that. What do you do with them when they act like this?”. Ahh, yes…. me and my kids, making parents look good all over the US. :)
would LOVE this! Thanks for the giveaway :)
Thanks for the giveaway!
Thanks for the sharing such real stories! I love to read others’ experiences in this journey we call motherhood – the good and the bad!
And I would love to learn how to use my camera. I was noticing how great the photos on this post were before I knew she was a photographer…but the plain English part makes me the most excited!
Michelle´s last blog post ..May 2012
P.s. – just donated to your charity. (do I really need to do a separate entry for each $1?) I’m totally a daily reader..and I’m definitely the one that says “oh, I need to donate, but I’ll do it later” and honestly, later rarely finds me. Thank you for coordinating such great stories and causes.
Michelle´s last blog post ..May 2012
Would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to win!
It’s not easy to talk about,, but it’s SO important to share honest stories like this. In working as a doula, childbirth educator and peer counselor in a fairly small community, I hear a LOT of birth stories, and I know without a doubt that they effect women profoundly. A few years ago at a conference on Postpartum Depression, I learned that a number of women experience symptoms of post traumatic stress after a difficult birth. This is the same thing soldiers can come back from war with, so it’s especially disheartening to have in the same category as birth which should be joyous, but isn’t always. For moms who experience similar rough starts, it’s really helpful to hear from moms like you who can show that it does get better.
Your kids are beautiful by the way, and I’d love to win!
Pamela Jorrick´s last blog post ..Boy Child’s Blog
Thank you for your kind words, Pamela! It wasn’t easy to write. But, knowing that it might help one person who went/is going through the same thing as me was my motivation :)
Drew´s last blog post ..New Shop Open For Business!
What a wonderful thing to read. Simple, but it really hit home for me! Thank you, Drew!
I would LOVE to win the UnManual! I have and loveee the UnPosing Guide! Drew is amazingly talented! Thank you for the give away.
I would love to win the Unmanual! Also, I totally get the whole not always liking your baby. When my daughter was born, I fell head over heels in love with her. She was my princess forever and ever. However, when she would have those periods where it seemed nothing would console her, I would cry and cry with her because I felt like such a failure and like she was broken or something! She’s almost 13 months old now and those times have become fewer and fewer, but there are still days where I wonder how I do it and what I was thinking!!
Drew, I checked out your blog/website and love it! I also think this post sheds light on a taboo topic that many new moms experience, but few would publically admit. Thanks for your candor. I hope I win your book. I’m a Canon girl too, but understand very little about the awesome camera we have. With 4 little ones 5 and under, I don’t want to miss any great shots!
I would love the Unmanual… I think I know what I am doing until I go back and look at my pictures! ;)
i just got my first dslr camera recently ~ it replaced a powershot that i had for three years. my pictures have improved dramatically but i would love to know how to work the controls better and faster so i can take the pictures i want.
sandi´s last blog post ..don’t mess up the play room morgan!
I would love the unmanual!
another wonderful post! thanks so much! would love to win :)
I absolutely love Drew’s blog and would love to win!!
Alisha´s last blog post ..Kailey’s 15 Months
Someone should write a baby book called Reality Check, because that’s what you get when you have a baby LOL I think there are so many variables when it comes to having babies, and bringing babies home and what that looks like. Bringing my daughter home sure didn’t look like anything in any book I read!!!
Thank you for sharing!
Cheers,
Caryl
I had very similar feelings after the birth of my first child. I am glad I am not the only one who didn’t feel an immediate bond with their baby. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your story, Drew!
I also tweeted about this post (@rebeccakettner)
Thank you for sharing, Drew!
I’ve been wanting one of her un manuals for a long time.
Thank you!
Wow Drew! That was a pretty amazing entry. I love the way you let your vulnerability and authenticity shine! I love your MomTog Blog, and your work is amazing! Thanks for the inspiration daily. Oh, and I love the UNposing Guide!
I completely understand what she is saying! Also, I would love the UNmanual!
Tweeted! https://twitter.com/tiedye824/status/210148056782471169
I can’t relate to this kind of birth experience personally, so I appreciate her sharing how it can be for some.
Stephanie C.´s last blog post ..Insta-Friday
I love her photography. I’ve been a fan of her images for a few years now & these words are beautiful too.
Christa´s last blog post ..154: after a long day of gardening with Eldon
Just recently found Drew B and her Mom tog blog, but have loved it! Her UnManual would be awesome to have!
Lauren´s last blog post ..morgantown visit
Tweeted as well https://twitter.com/laurenm83/status/211129843297951744
Lauren´s last blog post ..morgantown visit
Love the website! I would love to win a copy of the unmanual.