Jill’s was on Friday morning.
Today was the first day I haven’t cried since.
One of her NICU doctors says:
“She’s probably going to be diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy…[looks over at the therapist who shakes her head in agreement]…and we need to get you connected with an orthopedic surgeon because it is very likely she will need surgery in the future.”
So non-chalant.
He may as well have said
“Oh, and your library books are due back on Tuesday.”
I, on the other hand, felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks.
That I hadn’t even seen coming.
Really…I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me.
He seemed so sure of it all.
Yup, she has it.
And surgery????
In all my mind’s wildest dreams of what Jill’s life might look like, surgery *never* entered the picture.
Wheelchairs, braces, crutches, learning disabilities…all kinds of things had run through my head.
But never surgery.
Wait, I’ve done surgery with a baby.
It was no fun.
I thought I could cross that off my Bucket List.
When the therapist placed her hand on my knee and looked at me with tenderness and said “I know it’s hard news to hear…you can call me anytime”
I wanted to slap her.
Do not touch me. I do not know you. You are not my friend. You do not know what it feels like. I know you are just trying to be nice, but honestly I’m about to go postal on you.
As we walked out through the lobby, we passed a very pregnant girl.
“I bet her baby is perfect.”
Dripping with bitterness.
But wait…
Jill IS perfect.
I do not believe that God makes mistakes.
Jill is *exactly* who God intended her to be.
I do not want Jill to ever, Ever, EVER believe that she is imperfect.
Or that she is flawed.
Damaged.
Defective.
She is His creation.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
-Psalm 139:14
She may need extra help. She may not be a triathelete. She may need extra snuggles and kisses and hugs.
But she is not wrong or broken or incomplete.
Jillian Mary is who God lovingly made her to be.
My next thought went to her brother and sister. The way that their lives will change.
And then I smiled…
…because yes, Henry and Lucy will be changed.
They will be more compassionate, more loving, more tender hearted.
Well, Lu might need a little help in the tender department…the girl has quite the mean streak. :)
So excuse me if I burst out into tears the next time you see me.
I’m a little fragile right now.
Not gonna lie.
My heart is much too wrapped up in my children.
Have I mentioned how hard it is to be a mom?
But oh, how I wouldn’t trade it for all the riches in the world.
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Jeannett,
Also remember that God gave you your precious daughter Jillian because he knew YOU could handle it.
You're an amazing woman, and a super strong Momma. I may not know you personally, but I can see it in your posts.
We will keep you and your family in our prayers.
Jeannett,
Also remember that God gave you your precious daughter Jillian because he knew YOU could handle it.
You're an amazing woman, and a super strong Momma. I may not know you personally, but I can see it in your posts.
We will keep you and your family in our prayers.
oh, my friend, your words ring with the Truth that only comes from our Father. I'm sending you a big hug (sending it all the way from the next county :)
Beautiful written and I am sorry but that is the most adorable picture of Jill I have seen. What a happy girl!
Wow, Jeannett that is big. I wish I knew what to say. I'm praying for you, Jilly, Andy, Henry, and Lucy. (Oh, those cheeks on that Little Lucy!)
Maybe some encouragement for you in a different department: Did you know about Pastor Tim's sermon with the family rules? (With so much going on, it would be understandable if you didn't.) He showed us a picture of family rules and said, "I want to be in THAT family!" And it was yours. And he was right. For those mom-times when we just feel unequal to the task, just remember that your pastor and friend told the whole church about your family and used it as a good example! And that's just a reflection of God's glory and how he can use our weaknesses to show HIS strength.
Oh, Jeannett, sorry this is so long. I know there will be many miracles in store for your sweet girl. I don't know what they will be, but yes she IS perfect!
You are in our thoughts!
As a Mom, what a hard thing to go through. But, you have taken the right attitude… baby Jill is just who God intended her to be. Sometimes we loose sight of that. Just think of all that she will have the opportunity to do with God!
When my twins were newly home from the NCIU and I was questioning what I had gotten myself into, a wise friend told me that these TWO babies did not come about by anthing I did… God ordained that I'd be their Mom and they would be my babies… and that they would be ID twins. He ordained for you to be Henry, Lucy, and Jilly's mom. You'll do fine with that attidute. Many tears, yes, but in the end, fine! {hugs}
I'm at a loss for words. I love the truth that God is giving you, oh how His word brings such strength when we most need it. I love you Jeannett. Crying with you, friend.
so, so, so beautiful, jeannett. you have the perfect perspective. you're little jill is perfect.
Definitely praying for you!! Beautiful post!
This whole post made me cry – you have such beautiful kids. Keep the faith…God knows what he's doing – and you are one strong mama!
Jeannett,
I've been following your blog for quite some time and have never commented (the ultimate lurker, i know- not even the enticement of a free gift could pull me out from the shadows:)
A friend of mine has walked in your shoes. She has beautiful twin boys (now age 5), delivered at Sierra Vista and one of the boys has CP. I've contacted Kristy and she's happy to share her story with you and answer any questions you may have. I'm always comforted by people that have been there, done that POSITIVE stories.
If you'd like, please e-mail me and I will give you Kristy's e-mail address.
What the H*&% kind of clinic was that?? How dare they throw those words around like they mean nothing. What does your pediatrician say? (LOVE that man. Wise and kind.) I'm praying for you and your precious family, believe me, but right now I want to go knock some medical heads together.
We also dealt a lot with dr.s and such that "threw words around." In a way, it made me feel like I wasn't the only one who's gone through this before – but then it was MY baby who had the "problems." That made a world of difference. We will keep praying for you and precious Jill. I understand your desire for her to know how perfect she is. I feel that very same way…
I am so sorry for your sadness but what a beautiful post, Jill is and will be perfect in every way. She is so lucky to have a wonderful family and you are all lucky to have her!
Gave me chills. I know I'll be there to give her love.
And so will henry and lu…and everyone else in her supportive, beautiful, faithful, hopeful, loving, amazing family.
Perfect love and home for a beautiful girl like Jillian.
Love you, pray for you everynight as well as the whole Gibson Crew(:
We love you and your precious, perfectly created family! Our prayers will continue…
You are absolutely right. And, your children will be changed. They will have love, compassion, and understanding that does not always come easily. Your family will grow stronger with this!
Reading the comments, I don't think I could add anything better – they said it all. You are a beautiful woman, mom, wife, who loves the Lord and believes in His divine work in your life. I thank Him for you and your family and pray for special things to happen and all glory go to Him. Keep sharing and trusting. Love and prayers and lots of hugs.
Reading your blog from the day you posted that you were having twins I have watched you grow as a has a mother. You knew that having twins wouldn't be easy but you awaited their births with enthusiasum and excitement. Even with a small child already at home that didn't stop you from being thrilled to add two more to your family.
And when the twins came things did not go as expected but you remained hopeful and joyous about their births and welcomed them into your life with open arms and a happy heart.
There hasn't been a setback yet that has stopped you from being a wonderful mom, and this is just one more roadblock that will not stop your family, but instead make every one of you stronger in ways you never even knew were possible. You are not done growing yet, and your family is growing together to meet any challenges head on.
Jillian is such a lucky girl to have such a wonderful family to love her and to see her as perfect every single day.
Doctors talk about what is most likely in their experience but they do not know what will happen. None of it may happen.
You and your family are unique and special, and it is obvious that you are already so strong and loving and able that you are all just going to do great. Your children are in a really good place to grow up!
Whhaaaaaaat?! I didn't know you had a blog?!?!?!
J, this is beautiful. Wow. So much has changed since LMHS.
Please tell Andy I said 1. hello, 2. he has the strongest genes known to man! :0)
Prayers continuing your way. Jillian is perfect in God's eyes, and you are exactly right- she is made exactly how God wanted her to be. Sure there will be adjustments and challenges but you are a mom and good mom's like you have a strength that can't be measured.
Hi Jeannett,
I'm another secret lurker – I found your blog through Brianna's, who I found through Adoption Advocates International. Just wanted to introduce myself and let you know I'm praying for you, Jill, and your family. As you said, Jill is perfectly formed as a child of God. The Lord promises that He will fulfill His purpose in Jill's life; His love endures forever. God does not abandon the works of His hands (Psalm 138:8).
Kathryn
(I blog over at http://www.abbasgirlandthefamily.blogspot.com – you don't have to read but this way I don't feel like a stalker anymore!)
Praying for Jill and your family! Jill is absolutely beautiful as well as Lucy and Henry:).
I don't know how I stumbled onto your blog. but i am hearing you. Your post has made me cry all over again because I so know what you're talking about. I have a baby with cp. she's 15 mos now. we had no idea she had issues until she was born. may god walk with you and continue to bless you.
I can totally relate to what you were feeling at that moment. With our son, WE KNEW something was wrong but hearing it … oh my gosh … terrible. On one hand, we were happy to have a diagnosis that fit his issues (we'd been giving two different diagnosis in the 18 months prior and done all the research on those issues and neither me nor my husband could see our son in those books. They just didn't fit his issues.) Anyway, I'm not sure if you have an official diagnosis yet but you are totally right … your child is perfect the way she is. My son has made me a better ME. Not a better person but a better version of me … I have more empathy for others, more patience, more love and definitely have to work harder to make his future bright. I wouldn't change it for anything. Our bond is sooo close and it has everything to do with his struggles from birth.
Hang in there …
May prayer are with you and your truly perfect girl.
Be blessed,
Laura
“Open the Door To Your Fear”
What a beautiful family!!
They really don’t prepare you for that “chat” in the doctor’s office in “What to Expect,” do they? My thoughts went to the same place the day I sat and listened to the panel of people tell me about Youngest’s PKU diagnosis. Though “slapping” would have been one of the nicer things. You’re a kind woman.
Love what you are doing with this blog!
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This post brought me to tears. You will all be forever changed, your readers and anyone who ever meets your and your precious little ones will all be forever changed. Your children are beautiful, lovely and perfect creations and they have a strong Mama to worry and care for them so much! Happy SITS Day!
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Well, I would say we are all perfectly imperfect. Just the way God made us. And we should accept that is who we are because the places he puts us and the trials put in our path make us who He wants us to be. Makes us stronger, yet more compassionate.
Your children are just right, just the way He made them!
Bernice
Ramblings of a Woman´s last blog post ..Pruning away- to BE more
God picked you to be Jilly’s mom because no one is better equipped to give her the love and care she needs to conquer the world. it’s a perfect match!
Teresha@ Marlie and Me´s last blog post ..KitchenAid to the Rescue!
What a blessing this post is! Each of our children will have challenges and difficulties. Some will be easier to see. I am so glad you see Jill’s through God’s eyes.
Such a great blog that you have. You are an amazing person. :)
My twins arrived when my son was just 26 months. So I know how that goes, and goes. They’re two now but we’re still hanging in there. However, I have not had the amazing journey you have medically. You have an amazing outlook and strength. God sure knew what he was doing when he picked you for this job!
PS Happy SITS day!
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Your love and beauty of soul come through in your writing. You fight for those babies- they are wonderfully made!!
Crystal
http://survivingandthrivinginmom-dom.blogspot.com
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I do not have adequate words to tell you how beautiful this post is. How beautiful and perfect your little girl is and how amazing of a mother you are.
I can’t even imagine hearing the news you heard about your beautiful daughter. God knit her in your womb. He knows every hair on her sweet little head. He has a plan for her life and will see it to completion. You have an amazing attitude and I hope that He will be your sustainer!
Mimi from SITS
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