Jill’s was on Friday morning.
Today was the first day I haven’t cried since.
One of her NICU doctors says:
“She’s probably going to be diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy…[looks over at the therapist who shakes her head in agreement]…and we need to get you connected with an orthopedic surgeon because it is very likely she will need surgery in the future.”
He may as well have said
“Oh, and your library books are due back on Tuesday.”
I, on the other hand, felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks.
That I hadn’t even seen coming.
Really…I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me.
He seemed so sure of it all.
Yup, she has it.
In all my mind’s wildest dreams of what Jill’s life might look like, surgery *never* entered the picture.
Wheelchairs, braces, crutches, learning disabilities…all kinds of things had run through my head.
But never surgery.
Wait, I’ve done surgery with a baby.
It was no fun.
I thought I could cross that off my Bucket List.
When the therapist placed her hand on my knee and looked at me with tenderness and said “I know it’s hard news to hear…you can call me anytime”
I wanted to slap her.
Do not touch me. I do not know you. You are not my friend. You do not know what it feels like. I know you are just trying to be nice, but honestly I’m about to go postal on you.
As we walked out through the lobby, we passed a very pregnant girl.
“I bet her baby is perfect.”
Dripping with bitterness.
Jill is *exactly* who God intended her to be.
I do not want Jill to ever, Ever, EVER believe that she is imperfect.
Or that she is flawed.
She is His creation.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
She may need extra help. She may not be a triathelete. She may need extra snuggles and kisses and hugs.
But she is not wrong or broken or incomplete.
Jillian Mary is who God lovingly made her to be.
My next thought went to her brother and sister. The way that their lives will change.
And then I smiled…
…because yes, Henry and Lucy will be changed.
So excuse me if I burst out into tears the next time you see me.
I’m a little fragile right now.
Not gonna lie.
My heart is much too wrapped up in my children.
Have I mentioned how hard it is to be a mom?
But oh, how I wouldn’t trade it for all the riches in the world.