“Such pretty curly hair! Just like your mama!”
I still jump back in surprise when I hear that. They’re right, of course.
I too, have long, curly hair. Our curls almost identical, only that mine are much darker without the stunning variations of golden blonde like hers.
Except that it wasn’t always that way.
In fact, beyond the poodle tight perms I subjected my hair to in the 90’s, my hair has always been straight. Or close enough.
That is, until after I started having babies. And after each bundle of joy came bounding out of my body noisily, my hair seemed to coil up a bit.
By the time I had my girls, it was full on, certifiably CURLY.
This would explain how we ended up with a little girl with her own head of curls. For the first year of her life, my husband and I would look at each other bewildered “Where did she get CURLS?!”
Apparently from her mama. Just delayed.
I borrowed a copy of Curly Girl from a friend and devoured it. Not just for my own hair, but for Lucy’s too.
Packed to the gills with practical tips on types of shampoo and products and how to brush (or not) curly hair, it was a fantastic read that I highly recommend.
But beyond all the nuts and bolts instructions for how to properly care for curls, the parts that struck me most…and at the risk of sounding dramatic..literally changed how I parent my own Curly Girl…were the stories shared.
In the book, grown women recount their curly haired childhoods. And while the taunts from classmates stung, it was the words of their very own mothers that dug the deepest scars.
Mothers who complained and huffed at the “unmanageable mane”.
Mothers who verbalized how “kinky” or “frizzy” or “wild” their daughter’s heads were. (Ironically, because the mothers themselves weren’t doing it correctly in the first place.)
Mothers who pulled taut against their young scalps and then braided tight so as to contain every curl. Hair styling a painful memory in more ways than one.
Some who even paid handsomely to have their young daughter’s hair straightened professionally. But not before proclaiming the beauty of Straight Sister’s hair.
These girls, now grown women, wore the shame on their heads and their mother’s words on their hearts.
And while I’m certain that my girls will inherit insecurities handed squarely down from my lips to their own in some way, I vowed that THIS would not be one of them.
If I believed that God created each of us, then he created curls and straight and wavy and blonde and brown and fire engine reds.
And I’d be damned if I ever taught my daughters that their specific design was anything but Holy.
We mamas hold precious keys to our children’s grown up souls. The words we breathe and the attitudes we keep are preserved forever, whether we like it or not. When we criticize our own bodies, our own hair, our own meeting thighs, they hear it and hold it. And for the little girls who come with the attributes that society wants smaller, less than, straighter, leaner…we mamas have a mighty task.
So I put to practice the guides in the book. Learned the dos and don’ts. Bought the right products. Treated her hair for what it was and celebrate it.
And everyday I fawn over her gorgeous, wild, incredible head of curls.
The curls that match her sassy, take no prisoners, confident personality.
“Lucy, your hair is so amazing.” “You are so lucky to have curls!” “Oh Lu, your hair looks fantastic!”
I tell Straight Sister the same.
“Jillian, your straight hair is incredible!” “Oh Jilly, how I love this straight golden hair!”
“Isn’t it amazing how God can make us all so different, and yet it’s all so stunning and beautiful?!”
Brown hair. Yellow hair. Straight. Curly. Blue eyes. Green. Sisters. Sacred Design.
Curly Haired Lucy’s hair doesn’t take any longer than Straight Haired Jilly’s does. It’s just different methodology. I’m gentler on the curls. I use more conditioner. I NEVER brush it dry. Ever, Ever, Ever.
In fact, we often go several days between brushing. And we’re still navigating the world of product that defines but doesn’t harden stiff.
I never try to make it do what it wasn’t designed to.
I never ever force it back.
I never slick it straight.
Ponytails are done by simply gathering the hair with my hands and tying loosely. No brushes. Ever.
I know the day will come, sometime ending in -teen, when she will take a flat iron to her curls. And I will cringe silently from the doorway. But my hope is that she does it because she can, and not because she feels she needs to. My hope is that she does it because she wants to change her look, like the change from pink lipstick to red, and not because she wants to hide away. After all, she’s watched her own mother with the red hot heat ironing flat her own curls. I just want her to do it for the right reasons (mostly of style and desire) than an attempt to be less.
Because if you’re real lucky, one of those delightfully unruly curls will poke right out and nothing is more gorgeous
than my daughter’s fantastically
curly hair.
And by the way?
Her freckles: DITTO EVERY WORD.
(P.S. if you’re a Curly Girl or have one in your care, the book is truly fantastic, and it’s only $1.99 on Kindle. Affiliate link. But truly recommended.)
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I was one of those girls. And then, I grew up and went to cosmetology & between that and trying every darn product on the planet, I’ve finally learned to manage my curls and even love them. Sure, some days I wish my hair was straight but for the most part I’m happy with my curls. I love the Deva Curl products, LOVE them.
For non-crunchy curls, try Mixed Chicks Leave in Conditioner. It’s the only product I use on my curly hair and it is fantastic. You can buy it at Target.
Thanks for this – I’m a curly mom to a curly girl. I adore Loraine Massey’s book too — she’s amazing! We’re still working on getting hair styles that grow well with curly hair. I hate spending the money on such things, but if you don’t – and even if you do – you end up with terrible cuts. I get weary from the looks I get at a hair salon– they’re so used to curly girls who straighten their hair, that they don’t know how to cut for a curly style. As far as products I love “Shea Moisture” brand – they have a curling souffle (http://www.amazon.com/Shea-Moisture-Organic-Coconut-hibiscus/dp/B007O1XUMS/ref=sr_1_21?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1414535276&sr=1-21) and the conditioner is good too. It’s worth a splurge, and lasts forever (or until my kid smears it all over the bathroom – why do they do that?)
Amen!!
I didn’t get my curls from my mom :( and my curls didn’t come until puberty….#SuperAwkwardTeenageYears. So as an adult I’ve grown to love and treat my curls with respect – I would highly recommend Miss Jessie’s Pillow Soft Curls – I use maybe a nickel size dollop in damp hair and air dry. Easy Peasy. I’ve found it on amazon and birchbox.
Yup, little girl’s will pick up on every word of negative body image and apply it to themselves. I know I did. I always remember waiting in the dressing room with my mom while she tried on bathing suits. “Ugh, my stomach!” “Oh these flabby arms!” “Look at these bony knees!”
When I look back now on pictures of my mom during that time she was stunning and about a size 6. It’s all very heartbreaking. I hear those same messages in my head all the time but work hard to fight them and know it’s in my power to break the cycle if I have a daughter of my own someday.
Freckles. My Gramma calls them angel kisses. I got a lotta love!
I have always had curls, and always loved them, though it took me many years to learn how to manage them. For me, it’s any shampoo with Tresemme or Pantene conditioner (cannot go without conditioner), followed by immediately brushing my wet hair and pulling it back into a ponytail until it’s dry. Comes out perfect! I had beautiful, thick wavy hair on top, with lots of ringlets at the bottom. Then, 2 years ago, I was a part of St. Baldrick’s, and shaved my head. The hair came back in almost completely straight. After multiple threats to my hair that I was going to shave it all off again if it didn’t start curling, as a last resort, I tried a loose perm. What do you know? It seems to have *kind of* worked. My curls aren’t what they were before, but 8 months later, they seem to be at their new normal. And there are curls, so I can deal with it. :-)
http://livingtherealworlddream.blogspot.com
And she looks so much like her mom! Also, all of this goes doubly (if not triply or more) for weight issues. There are some really good articles floating around about how to speak of weight in terms of health, instead of in terms of being beautiful due to weight or lack there of. As someone who came out of childhood with lots of food/weight issues that I continue to occasionally struggle with, this is something I wish more parents paid attention to.
One of my girls has curls, my hair – straight as a board. She also has at least twice as much hair as me. I have no idea how to take care of her hair. I did recently find Aussie 3 minute miracle conditioner, it has worked wonders! I am guilty of complaining about her hair but always admit it’s because I don’t know how to care for it. I ask others how they deal with their or their daughters hair.
Thank you for this! I have super curly hair /frizzy hair and I have always hated it. But it looks even worse straight because it is baby fine and I don’t have a lot of hair. I have that book and didn’t think it was all that helpful. I was already doing most of the stuff in there. I find that once I settle on a product that works, after a month or two it stops taming my hair. I don’t know why, so I’m constantly having to switch. I’m going to try some of the stuff recommended here.
So true about things parents say. My dad called me ” fatty”, ” chubby”, said I needed to lose weight. I did once I got into sports. He still said those things, but he finally stopped when I told him those words hurt. As for the curly hair… same thing. More curly after I had my girls. And, yes, one had curly and one had straight. But we had fun with it. I’m going to read the book to see what I can do better with mine and let Danielle know, too. Your girls are beautiful.
I have a curly haired freckled daughter, too! Thanks for the tips.