When our dear friends asked if all four of my young children could be in their wedding party, I was nothing but honored. I believe it’s a huge privilege to be a part of someone’s special day, but I immediately went from flattered to flustered.
My kids were 6, 4, 4, and 1 (at the time). And there are four of them. Did I mention that? That’s twice as many kids as I have arms. In nice clothes. On a day where dear friends of ours were spending tens of thousands of dollars to be Just So. This had Disaster Potential written all over it.
That being said, my kids did a great job, and I was really proud of them. A few tips as we continue through wedding season and many of you may find yourselves in the same boat:
1. Prep your kids ahead of time. We talked a lot about how special it was that of all the kids, they were asked to celebrate alongside our long time friends. I showed them You Tube videos of weddings. They saw their outfits ahead of time and “helped” (or so they thought) pick out aspects of the clothing. And I made sure to stress that it was just a short bit of time and then it would be over.
2. Remember that a bad rehearsal doesn’t always equal a bad wedding day. The rehearsal the night before was a complete mess. My oldest was apparently withering away from starvation. Child #2 was about to collapse from Death Valley-type dehydration. Child #3 thought she was the bride and wanted to stand front and center. And the littlest just laid on the floor and cried. First and foremost I was mortified. I know you’re not supposed to make your children’s behavior about you…but I totally did. And I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. Plus, all I could think of was “Uncle Ben and Miss Danielle have spent a lot of money on this gig, and you guys are going to ruin it.” Yeah, I thought that. Judge me.
But on the Big Day, they did fantastic. (A friend of mine had ALL SIX of her kids in a wedding the very next weekend and had the same experience: awful, terrible, no good, very bad rehearsal and a great wedding day. So maybe it’s a good omen?)
3. Pack water and (non-staining) snacks. The good thing about the awful rehearsal, was that it taught me where potential problems would be. That night, I ran to the grocery store and bought a pack of mini water bottles and a variety of snacks that wouldn’t get the kids dirty. Also, I made it a point to get things I normally don’t buy, so that it was a special treat. This was not the time to worry about healthy, organic snacks. My main consideration was: 1) will they love it?; 2) will it get them dirty?; and 3) can they eat this quietly? I ended up getting peanuts, gummy bears, and pretzel sticks. I also bought candy corn, but that was a bad idea. The little one drooled and had an orange spot on his white shirt.
Tip: Open up all the packages at home and repackage them into individual sandwich baggies. The original packaging is often crunchy and noisy, and this way, there was no fighting of who got to hold the bag. And pack them in a fabric tote bag…plastic grocery bags are really loud in the middle of a ceremony with classical music playing.
Oh, and BABY WIPES. Don’t forget those.
4. Don’t be above bribery. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve bribed my kids with a reward for good behavior. It’s not my parenting style, and I have Big Feelings about it in general. But there are times when it can be a Golden Ticket. I told the Bigs that if they were patient and helpful with their younger siblings, and they did it with a happy heart, they could pick out a $10 toy the next day.
Best $20 I ever spent.
5. Enlist help. Don’t just assume that assorted family members will jump in and help with your brood. Be really clear ahead of time in asking if they will specifically help you with the littles. And be clear about what you would like them to help with. In our case, my husband was also in the wedding and busy with his own picture posing and such, so there was no way I could keep all four of them clean and hair without help. While wearing a dress and heels myself. Plus, it was a friends’ wedding, so there wouldn’t be random family members around. So we brought along the grandparents and cousin Tess, who sat at the back of the ceremony and then whisked the kids back home before the reception started so that mom and dad could behave like adults at a wedding, as adults do. Be sure to clear this with the bride and groom so that they aren’t surprised that a couple of uninvited guests are sitting in the last row. Chances are, if they know they are there to help things run smoothly (and aren’t staying to eat!), they won’t have a problem with it. But ask. Otherwise that would be rude.
6. Get them dressed as late as possible. Communicate with the bride and groom ahead of time to discuss timing for the day and don’t get the kids into their cute clothes until the last possible second. This way, you’ll have better chances of them not looking disheveled. Notice I said “better chances” and not “guarantee”.
7. Give them each a special job. #1 was in charge of helping his sister down the aisle. #2 had flowers to throw. #3 had a special sign. #4…well, he just had to exist happily. If you can assign a specific task to your kids (even if you have to make it up), it helps with expectations and nervous energy. That way, they know exactly what they are supposed to do…”Stand there are smile” is sometimes a little too vague for the younger set.
8. Have a clear plan for what the kids will do after they’ve walked down the aisle. We decided that the kids probably wouldn’t fare well standing at the front during the entire ceremony (especially the youngest) so we had them basically go in a big circle and walk down a side aisle and back to their grandparents…where they ate non-staining snacks and drank out of miniature water bottles while Uncle Ben got hitched. If you think they’ll do okay at the front, that’s fine too, but have a clear plan of where they are supposed to go, and that you’ve communicated it with the kids. It might even be a combination “You can stand at the front with everyone, but if you get tired or don’t want to, you can come this way and sit with Grandpa.” One of my daughters opted to stand up front, while the other three sat with family at the back.
9. Bring a change of clothes/shoes for the reception. If your kids are staying for the reception, bring comfy clothes and shoes they can change into. Especially shoes. They may not need them, but it’s a pretty easy Meltdown Insurance Policy to have a pair tucked into your purse just in case.
10. Keep your expectations low. They are kids and most brides and grooms know that they are throwing some level of unexpectedness into their Big Day by asking kids to be a part of it. The more kids in the wedding party, they higher that is. The funny thing about all of this is that, honestly? Some of the best wedding memories come from kid meltdowns mid-aisle. It may feel mortifying as it’s happening, but we can all remember some wedding or another where the flower girl walked down the aisle with the basket on her head or the ring bearer running full speed to his dad in the front row. And we all laugh and talk about how it was the BEST EVER. Because that’s what life is made of. Even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment.
Any other tips you would suggest for having young children in a wedding that I missed?
Also, Ben and Danielle: this did not suck.
All photography by Mike Larson.
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Oh my! How did your heart not melt and explode into a million pieces all at the same time with all 4 of them looking so adorable in the wedding party?! (oh wait, I know…you were exhausted from making all this possible and relieved they didn’t go crazy for the big day!) But seriously… too much wonderful in these pictures!!! My little is in a wedding in October… definitely taking note!
Jilly’s walker… I. Just. Can’t. Seriously brought tears to my eyes. She’s come so far in such a short time.