I’m a grown woman now. An adult with four little kids. And so, with that, I spend the bulk of my day monitoring and negotiating. (Also, folding laundry and wiping butts. But that’s for another post.)
As such, there are lots of things my kids aren’t allowed to watch, see, or listen to. Things we say are “inappropriate”. (Incidentally, hearing a three year old Lucy say that word was pretty much the highlight of my life.)
Now, my idea of inappropriate is likely wildly different than yours. What I might cringe at wouldn’t make you bat an eye…and frankly, what I let my kids do/see might give you a mild (or major) panic attack.
That’s called Parenting. We all do it. Differently. With a host of life experiences and backgrounds and stories to make up what we end up doing with our own little charges. And we’re all doing the best we can with what we know. The end.
So hear me out when I look for your input on this one, mkay? It’s an honest question that I want to have a conversation about. Not a judgy finger wagging session. Capiche?
I often take Henry to the skate park during what is a traditional school day (we do a hybrid homeschool program) and he’s the only kid there. He recently asked me if I could plug my phone into the park’s PA system and have music going so it isn’t “so quiet and boring”. My guess is this is the skateboarding equivalent to running with earbuds in or why aerobics classes always have music thumping. Not that I would know. Because not once in my 33 years have I graced the door of an aerobics class. But I’ve seen it on TV.
So I asked on my Facebook page for some ideas of high energy pop/rock/punk music that was also appropriate for a set of 6 year old ears. I got some great suggestions, now if only I could figure out how to get the 3,896 pictures off my phone and then upload music to it, I can get going on this task.
But it got me thinking. About how I often find myself singing along to songs of my childhood…songs I haven’t heard in over 15 years…and I’m smiling and laughing and reciting every single word like a BA. I’m feeling cooler than cool because heck yes, this suburban mom still has it in her.
It was a clear black night, a clear white moon
Warren G was on the streets, trying to consume
some skirts for the eve, so I can get some funk
just rollin in my ride, chillin all alone
CUE RECORD SCRATCH.
What the what?!
Whoa dude. And the song just keeps getting worse. My adult ears hear the words. It’s all about hookers and guns and well…um…skirts.
And I’m appalled.
Because I literally know every. single. word.
It was our jam in 1994. Which, with some fancy math tells me I was all of 13 years old and in what…7th grade when that song came out?!?!?!
So, my awkward pre-pubescent, pimply faced, perpetual bad hair day middle class white girl who knew nothing of danger in any sense of the word was happily bouncing along to a gritty rap song about gangs getting shot and looking for hookers, bouncing along in my seat as I sang at the top of my lungs about how I was “getting jacked. They took my rings, they took my rolex. I looked at the brotha said damn what’s next?”
All with a smile. Because let me tell you, that song has quite possibly the best little melody of any song in the history of music. (Also, you’re welcome. Because it is now thoroughly stuck in your head. All week.)
As an adult, my first thought is WHAT THE how did my grandma let me listen to this crap?!
But then I realize she had no idea. Because such is life for teenagers and their guardians. Also, it probably didn’t help that her English was spotty so slang references to gang culture were probably outside of her vocabulary. Details.
But it’s not just me. Most of my 30-something friends can sing along to Mr. G and his buddy Nate Dogg (with two G’s. Obviously.) So I’m not here to crucify any of our parents. That’s not really my point, even if it was my first thought.
My point is that so many of us grew up listening and watching things that today…we would FLIP OUT if our kids watched or listened to. I would no more let Henry listen to Warren “tweak in a whole new era” than I would let him eat ant poison.
Then there was the time I thought it would be fun to watch the ever classic Goonies with my kids. Dude, I loved Goonies. It was awesome. Right? “Kids, mom’s gonna watch this awesome movie with you! It was one of my favorite when I was a kid!”
And then came all the four letter words and boys and girls making out and…okay, let’s go back to The Little Mermaid (which also has its own thematic issues, right?).
I did not remember ONE BIT of that. Not one. As far as I knew, it was an adventure movie about a bunch of little kids who find treasure and befriend a one eyed dude that seems really scary but he’s actually RAD, all while trying to get away from a short lady in a beret.
So let’s just chalk that one up to Mom Fail. Give me grace.
And the list goes on and on. I would bet that we could all change into our yoga pants, pour a glass of wine, pull our bare feet under us, and sit on my couch and recount all the crazy things we did in the 80’s and 90’s that we cannot believe our parents let us. We’d join together in impromptu song and laugh until our sides hurt. And we’d be smiling. Equal parts from that warm fuzzy feeling we call Nostalgia and equal parts silent horror.
BUT HERE’S THE ACTUAL POINT I’M GETTING AT (in the longest, most round about way):
You guys, I knew every single word. ALL of them. Songs and movie quotes. And yet, I HAD NO CLUE. Somehow, it seemed to just be a string of words with a fun melody and although I said them correctly…I never really processed what they meant. I mean, to this day, I’ve got a whole slew of songs secretly stashed in my memory bank that come flowing out without me even realizing it. But it wasn’t until I was an adult, with children of my own, that I even realized what the heck I was saying.
And with all that “inappropriate exposure”…I turned out okay. Not perfect. Not by a long shot. But, in a sense, I’m not sure I was scarred by any of it. Or maybe I was and I just don’t realize it. I don’t know. But sometimes, I can’t help but wonder…how has our generation gone from singing along to the Beastie Boys…and would now be downright appalled if a friends’ kid (oh no, not yours!) was singing along about how “his dad threw away his best porno mag”. I mean, right? (You totally know the song. And that lyric. I know you do.)
So here’s my question for you: Many of us grew up with much looser reins in regards to what we were exposed to as kids…and while we are all broken and flawed…I think most of us would agree that we honestly had no idea when we were that age what the heck we were singing or watching….yet, we couldn’t imagine allowing the same for our kids. Why do you suppose that is? What’s up with us? Are we being hyper aware as a generation of parents? Are we shielding our kids from pop culture unnecessarily (and don’t tell me it’s gotten worse. Because it has…but it really hasn’t. Nostalgia has tinted your glasses rose colored. Go back and google the lyrics to some of your favorites. It may not be Miley at the VMAs bad, but it wasn’t a whole lot better either.)
So really. Let’s hash this out. Talk about it. Respond to each other’s comments. Conversate and such. I’m fascinated by this topic.
How much “pop culture allowance” were you given as a kid? Do you allow more or less for your own kids? Why or why not?
(Note: Be nice. Don’t be judgy. Don’t be a jerk. This is called Discourse, not I’m Better Than You And Therefore Always Right.)
(Note #2: Also, I want you to know I’m right there with you. I’m not advocating for letting my 6 year old listen to hard core rap. So don’t read into this that I let my kids listen to Eminem. Because I don’t.)
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For every parent who is conscientious about shielding their kids from certain aspects of pop culture, there is a parent who allows way too much of it from a very young age. I guess a balanced approach is probably the best, but I freely admit to erring on the side of sheilding.
My favorite tape as a second grader on my first road trip with my family was Alanis Morrisette Jagged Little Pill. I listened to it on my walkman over and over. I loved it. I “knew” all the words, I can still sing that whole album. However, I had no clue what I was singing. Not a clue. I do like that there are now the “kid bop” cds that change some of the inappropriate lyrics, but…hate the way the voices sound.
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OHMYWORD.
Alanis.
Yes. Perfect example.
And totally with you on the Kidz Bop CDs. I can’t hang. Can’t.
I love ‘Regulate’ and freely admit to letting my kids listen to it. I guess we err on the side of exposing them to all music. I don’t like to censor much. For instance, my child loves eminem, and I let him buy the album, but its NOT the explicit lyric version. But all the other stuff? Sure. They listen to it. Because I figure…I turned out just fine. Most of it flew over my head. And if they ask me questions about what a lyric means, I’ll answer them with an age appropriate answer.
RIP Nate Dogg.
Not a song, but recently (thanks to Lifetime), I was talking with a few friends about how in the world my mom let me read Flowers In The Attic!!
Haha Beth me too!!!
I knew all of the words to practically every Rage against the Machine / Nirvana / Red Hot Chili Peppers song by the age of 11 as well, and had no idea what any of them were about!
And most the subject matter in that book went over my head, I didn’t know what they were doing! :)
FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC!!!!
Seriously. All of your comments are taking me BACK!
YES!! Why on EARTH did our parents let us read that book?? I was laughing because I used to listen to that book while listening to Rick Astley on my walkman. So the two are forever linked.
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Reading was pretty much a free for all at our house, since I read anything and everything at a young age. My mom would suggest we not read certain books, but no books were “banned”. I was reading Stephen King and Dean Koontz in the 5th grade (at latest, possibly earlier).
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My grandma gave me all the vc Andrews books after reading them! What the Whaaaaaa they were the worst!!!! I still can’t believe it.
Ha! I had the alanis morrisette cd, too! I know that I was in 6th grade or younger. Probably closer to 4th or 5th. My mother found it and threw it away. Now that I’m an adult I finally figured out why. I was just thinking about this on the way to work. How kids are actually exposed to music. Friends? Family? Older babysitters? I still have my own “guilty pleasure” stations that my husband teases me for still listening to in my twenties. I think that I’d let my kids “pick the music to listen to”, to an extent. I probably won’t want to listen to it myself, but most words flew right over my head when I was little, so I assume it’d be the same. The big thing in my family? TV. I wasn’t allowed to watch anything with fighting (ninja turtles, power rangers) or shows that were all about boyfriends and girlfriends with a little making fun of the smart kids thrown in (saved by the bell, friends). Strangely, I was allowed to watch Xena warrior princess. But I think it was only for the “girl power!” aspect. I never felt like I missed out on a ton, though, because I was so busy with extra stuff (girl scouts, sports, band, etc). So I guess my strategy will be to get my kids involved in ALL THE THINGS so that there isn’t really time for them to care much about listening to music or watching tv? Yah, let’s go with that.
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I think it depends what age you were listening to some of the stuff with questionable lyrics. I was watching and listening to Kids Incorporated (remember that?!) at an appropriate age (and other stuff for sure), but when i was a teenager was when I was listening to things that were questionable. Not when I was 5 or 8. My kids listen to a lot of Radio Disney, and they play a lot of pop but stuff that is clean, or moderately clean. I’m also pretty conservative on what I let my kids watch. They have time to see all that. I am in no rush to speed up their childhood. There are plenty of choices that are age appropriate now.
We let our kids listen to select songs. Not entire albums. We’be been known to blast Eminem’s “lose Yourself.” Bonjovi- yes! All Katy Perry, or music videos? BIG No. “Roar”- yes. Although I have been wondering the same thing lately. Life choices, music, inappropriate music… Where is the happy medium? Is there one? Do I let them listen to select songs when other songs (and personal lives) go against what the Bible says pertaining to a pure life and mind? There was a lot of good in the 90’s that was down right catchy, and not something we would run to the power button for, when our 6 year old is having a dance party. Parenting is hard.
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Parenting IS hard. I totally agree. My 8 year old wanted to listen to Katy Perry’s new album and I downloaded it and read a review on Plugged In, and then only gave her certain tracks on her iPod. It seemed like a happy medium.
I would rather err on the side of censoring, but also filling their minds with the good stuff. I know this is going to sound sanctimonious, but when my guys are playing on their own and they start humming or singing some hymn that is in their heart I LOVE IT!! And I feel like pop songs and other such stuff are easy to love and kind of make our brains mushy. Sometimes a little mush is okay, but really I would much rather err towards getting them to love, appreciate, think about the Good Stuff than the easy fun pop stuff. But sometimes we do dance around the house to NoNoNo.
That said, along the lines of this post, I remember loving the movie Dirty Dancing when I was a kid. It came out when I was seven, and I’m not sure when I first saw it (less than 10yo probably), but I saw it later as an adult and realized I had NO IDEA what it was actually about when I was a kid. I mean, abortion, sex (losing one’s virginity!), deceiving one’s parents…it hit all the stops, and yet I didn’t realize that until I was much older.
Totally agree, Jodi. Last night my 6-year old started spontaneously singing the lyrics to “Just Say Jesus”. I couldn’t believe how much of it he had memorized! Then he turned to me and said, “Mommy, when you don’t know what to do, just say Jesus”. Which showed me that he is internalizing the message as well. I answer his questions honestly (last night, in addition to his rendition of Just Say Jesus, he also asked me some questions about reproduction!). But I don’t want to have to answer questions such as “what’s a bang-gang”, which my best friends was asked by her boyfriend’s 7-year old after they watched Grease together. And yes, my friend and I watched Grease at a very young age: 7 and 9. Did we turn out okay despite that and other inappropriate things we were exposed to? I guess that’s a matter of opinion . We have both fallen into the trap of bad relationships based on questionable morals, and she, at age 42, longs to be married and have a family of her own but instead spent her 20s and 30s in unhealthy relationships. Not to say that can all be attributed to pop culture, but it sure didn’t help any.
i so get what you mean when you overhear your little singing a worship song while building Legos. It’s seriously one of my favorite things. Ever.
As for the question of whether we “turned out okay”…I mean, it really could go either way. While I TOTALLY agree that pop culture likely doesn’t help any, the opposite is true of me. I grew up listening and watching all manner of inappropriate…didn’t grow up in the church…etc. Yet, I’m happily married to my high school sweetheart. Obviously, there’s so much at play in our lives and not one thing can be pinpointed…but just in general, it’s so nuanced and I wonder sometimes if, as parents, we give it more weight than it deserves?
When I was in high school and junior high, I listened to country which then evolved to some rock n roll. My favorite band is the Ramones. I try to keep adult content out of their face, and sometimes there is alot of channel flipping. I let my children watch the Goonies the other day, and I forgot about the swearing. The rule in my house is no horizontal kissing. If a kiss gets too intense, I turn the channel. My husband and I are affectionate towards one another, so regular kissing is a normal day for them. I am more appalled by the commercials that are coming on at regular television times. Everything is in your face. My girls sing songs, and I know they do not realize what they are singing because of all the questions that come after. I answer them as honestly and age appropriate as possible. My girls are figuring things out which scares me, but I always tell them they can ask me anything. I may get embarrassed giving them the answer, but it will be an honest answer.
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That’s right where I am! I have a s.i.l. who loves to comment on everything in her best “finger wagging” way about why she would NEVER let her girls watch The Little Mermaid (right after my daughter opened her Ariel wig from another family member and we gushed about our love for Ariel mind you!) bc of the disobedience and etc etc…Ok, I get it…but it was my favorite movie for YEARS growing up. I watched it as much as my mother would let me…and lo and behold I wasn’t a defiant and discontent child. Im trying to decipher how to shield/how to wisely expose my kids so that they know how to respond! I cant change that the kid who sits behind my son in class says insane things…(I.e. that God is actually evil and there is no Jesus…um yea…first grade) but that’s where we are so its helpful to try to help him learn how to respond and to know what the truth is. Sheesh…its so tough. I don’t want to teach my 7 year old about certain “cultural issues” (and we’ll leave it at that!) but I know he will get exposed to it eventually….so would I rather teach him how I want to or let him hear it and then go back and do damage control…I feel like maybe just like every other parenting issue…just the awareness and acknowledgement of the issue is helpful. We’re gonna screw up and get it wrong at various points along the way. I think cultivating open conversation with yours kids from the start…and listening to their hearts…is a start. Who knew when we got that first pregnancy test what this whole parenting gig was REALLY going to be?!?!
The other night I was playing Eminem’s new single with Rihanna during my kids’ bath time. oops. I agree though – I don’t think that kids start grasping lyrics until middle school/highschool anyway, so sensoring isn’t really on my radar yet since mine are only 3 and 5.
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Yes, I remember the Goonies well, except we had a version taped off of TV so it was rather clean. When I bought the DVD there was Corey telling the maid in Spanish where the drugs were kept and the mom’s statue and much more cussing. But, just like music, those things didn’t detract from a good story and lesson. Goonies were about adventure, friendship, taking risks and seeing what’s on the inside (hey you guyyyyyyyyys!). Of course I’ll always love that movie because my cousin dated Chunk during college…
I don’t think that sheltering and protecting kids is the way to go, for religious reasons or not. Because when those kids go out into the world, and they WILL, they’re going to get exposed to so much more. Instead I recommend introducing those “dangers” along with discourse. Let’s listen to a song and talk about the lyrics. Is it okay to say those words? What’s the feeling behind them? What’s the lesson?
FWIW parents need to do the same with “safe” movies like the Little Mermaid. Oh, it’s okay to ignore your responsibilities, lie to your parents, sign a contract without reading it, GIVE AWAY YOUR VOICE, and try to trap a complete stranger into marriage all because you want to travel.
I was a pretty voracious reader as a kid and throughout high school got into more music and movies in college. Did I always make the right choices? Not at all. Do I think critically about what I’m consuming and how it’s influencing me? Most of the time. But like brussel sprouts, sometimes you need to have a taste to confirm you don’t like something and never, ever want to try it again.
I loved the hairbands of the late 80’s and rap. I would have been 13-14 ish. My daughter (12) listens to alot of different types of music. We are pretty open with what she listens to but do aim to get the clean version. Loved the Goonies and all the 80’s movies. I think all parents try to do things differently and better than their parents. It’s a never ending cycle. My oldest is married with kids now and its funny when she does something that I did as a better no matter how much she would like to be different.
When I was in 3rd grade my older cousin have me a pirated copy of The Beasty Boys’ Liscense to Ill. I wore that tape out and could sing along with every word. I was 9, and belting out lyrics like “I’m on the run/cop’s got my gun/ right about now it’s time to have some fun.” (And that’s the mildest example.) I had no clue, I just liked the songs. That being said, I shudder at some of the lyrics my kiddos sing along with on the radio now, but I figure if they’re singing it with abandon in front of
Mom, I’m pretty sure they’re about as clueless as I was!
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License to Ill.
A classic.
That is terribly bad.
But oh how I love those Boys.
Well, since I don’t have kids, can’t comment on that aspect of it, but I know growing up, my mom only wanted us to listen to Christian music. Now, of course, we were exposed to other music through friends and other family members and developed our own tastes out of that, but I think it was good to have that basis of morality before I got thrown to the wolves. And, especially nowadays, both Christian music in general, and even worship music, has such a wide range of styles and emotions. I think monitoring children’s outside influences is a very good thing, and as you said, it will vary from parent to parent what that looks like.
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That’s how I feel too, Dawn. Also, I think the agegroup of the child makes a big difference. A 7 year old (the example that I mentioned previously) really doesn’t need to hear the term “gang-bang” and inquire about its meaning. On the other hand, I would want to explain some of those things to my son when he’s older in order to teach him some discernment, rather than have him hear it from friends without my guidance.
I wholeheartedly agree with you! In fact, my hubs and I were just discussing this the other day. I really think we should ask our parents/grandparents about this, too. But yeah, heck, I listened to 2Pac and I’m sure I’d blush if I heard the lyrics NOW, and heavens no -I wouldn’t let my kids listen to him at ages 8 and under, but sure, when they are older I’ll whip out my awesome CD collections and introduce them to the lovely sounds of the 80’s & 90’s! Ey – I think sometimes we (moms) are too sensitive about swear words and innuendos…because like you said, WE don’t remember any of that stuff. I’m more cautious about what my kids SEE, to be honest.
As a child of the early 70’s, my mother ABSOLUTELY refused to let us to watch soap operas. She would walk into our friend’s houses and shut them off as well. Awkward. Yet the woman let me read ANYTHING, including Go Ask Alice. In fifth grade. The school and the public library called my mom to report me. Even though she approved. Go figure.
BTW-guess who forgot how awful Animal House was before sharing it with her 9th grader. That would be me. Shut it off when I realized I was with my 15 year old son.
Three words…”like a virgin”!!! Hello!! Belting at the top of lungs at 8. I don’t think I even knew what a virgin was until college!
Seriously, was just contemplating this as we listened to Kidz Bop on Pandora and Andrew is singing “hey sexy lady!” to that gongman style song. I was destroyed and telling him that was an adult word and we don’t say sexy , which brought on questions I’m not answering at 4! He didn’t understand why, all of his buddies at school sing it that way. I was digging in my heels and saying “do what mommy says”! And now this post… And the flashback of Madonna, and Alanis and Aerosmith’s albumn cover with a peirced cow nipple (my mother almost fainted).
Parenting… Never a dull moment. Thanks for bringing up this thoughtful topic. I’m going to have to chew on this one for a bit…
I was sheltered from music as a child. I can remeber vividly as a high schooler having my group of friends jaw drop when they would relieve I had no clue about the band they were talking about, it didn’t really bother me so I didn’t care. But let me tell you I called sing along to every song on myJoe Scruggs cassettes (traffic jams, late last night) and lets not forget when Mary Kate and Ashely Olsen put out a tape! Oh baby. The crazies things my parents let me listen too was sounds tracks of musicals, like Les Misrable. I loved that sound track and would sing it all the time, every saw it on stage at the age of 8 and again at 12. Never once thought did I pick up on the fact that during part of the play the mother was selling her self for money. And the bad words yeah I didn’t hear them. In turn we have pretty much taken the same approach with our kids. We allow, Joe Scruggs, Go Fish, k-love, and the like but we also allow musical. I figure one day they might want to listen to all that other music but we will hold it off as long as we can ( I might have become an eminem fan in college, just saying, it was rebalous act)
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I question my judgement daily. Usually as me and my two young boys are singing “You know you want it” by Robin Thicke. We don’t have a tv so that’s not an issue for us, but movies definitely are. We recently thought it’d be great fun to watch Ferris Buellers Day Off. Oops. I also remember getting a phone call from my sister after I recommended The Goonies for her young family of 6. It’s hard!
My parents only allowed Christian music. Being the rule follower that I was, i didn’t question it, and I didn’t really hear much (NYOTB is the exception) to make me even know what I was missing. However, my other guardian didn’t respect Dad/Step-Mom rules and allowed other music – I told her I wouldn’t listen to it, except Huey Lewis, Paul Simon and Oldies – I figured oldies had to be OK. I was driving myself to COLLEGE before I realized it would be OK to start listening to country music. My other siblings…snuck all the bad music at an early age. Oh well. My husband and I haven’t addressed how we’ll raise our 5 month old in this area, but we probably should decide!!!
I haven’t read all the comments, but I hear ya! When I was 5, my favorite song was Pink Floyd’s, Money. My mom wasn’t strict, but I wasn’t allowed to swear, however, she always said “it’s just a song”. And she’d go on about how a song shouldn’t make you do things, or make you act a certain way, it was written to make someone else money, to be catchy and fun. Such great advice.
And I couldn’t help but smile while rolling through the grocery store, my 5 year old son started singing at the top of his lungs “to write a rhyme that’s right on time, it’s tricky…”
Can you download some Kidz Bop for the kids at the skate park (they really aren’t that bad and more than likely your kids won’t be able to tell the difference from the original singer). When that is playing if you really can”t tolerate it, get some headphones and listen to Nate Dogg on another device.
It is so funny I came across this post today. I was just listening to Slacker today while I was cooking dinner. I wasn’t into Warren G. or Nate Dogg in middle/high school (though I did know who they were), I was totally into country. 90’s country. You wouldn’t think that would be too bad right? Every other song someone was saying “damn”, one song was about how a little sister murdered her adulterous sister-in-law, another was literally titled “Addicted to a Dollar”, and I could go on. Yeah, I had absolutely no idea what I was listening to when I was younger. If it was catchy or sounded pretty, that was all I cared about. I ended up using all my skips on that channel and switched it to Christian rock (which consisted of MercyMe, Crowder, Hawk Nelson, and so on), much better.
Oh and I totally did the same thing with Goonies. I absolutely loved Goonies growing up. It was one of my all time favorite movies. Then I watched it with my kids. Ouch.
I’m late to the conversation but just had to add that my older sister loves to remind me that I knew ALL the words to the Humpty Dance at the grand age of 6! ( “I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom’) And now my poor 3 year old thinks that the only thing the TV knows how to play is Veggie Tales and Doc McStuffin. Heck I even used to change words to nursery rhymes I thought were too much for her precious little ears (o/~ the cradle will fall, and DADDY WILL CATCH YOU cradle and all) – I’m crazy, I know! I think it was basically expressed before but my opinion of it is someday she’ll grow up and I won’t be able to control what she’ll be exposed to… but for the time being I have the ability to entertain her with positive messages so that’s what I’d like to do.
p.s. Just found your website and love your stories and writing style!