My husband travels for work regularly. It’s not constant, and it’s rarely for more than a few days at a time, but it’s pretty consistent. Some months are worse than others, and there are even a few months when there is no travel. But, it’s not unusual for “Daddy to go on an airplane” and not be home for at least a couple of days. There are certainly spouses who travel more often, and it doesn’t hold a candle to military families. Not only is he never gone for months at a time, but he’s eating at fancy steak houses, meeting in official looking board rooms, wearing suits and ties, and sleeping in posh hotels. NOT,you know, getting shot at. (Incidentally, I’m eating PB&J, in yoga pants, up to my elbows in glitter, and sleeping with Henry. Ahem.)
My point is that I realize it could be a lot worse, and I probably have no room to moan and groan. Besides, you can’t pray for work and then complain when it comes.
But even still, it’s HARD. Being home with what amounts to no adult interaction for several days at a time (we have no family nearby), with four kids 6 and under…that I partially home school…can be brutal. No. It IS brutal. Plus, the kids miss their dad. They get antsy. Restless. Out of sorts. Which is always pleasant.
I got this question recently:
How do you manage when Andy goes out of town? Kyle is going to be out of country for 10 days in December and I am dreading it. It will be the longest we have been apart since marriage and the longest solo with the kids… Trying to find coping mechanisms. Did you plan out all your time? Or just take it super mellow?
As I started thinking out my answer, I realized it would be a really long email, but a really good blog post. So here are my How To Keep Your Sanity As Best As Possible When Your Spouse Travels For Work tips:
1. Go grocery shopping BEFORE they leave. Stock up on essentials like milk and peanut butter and get what you need for easy, kid friendly meals. This is not the time to battle with your four year old to finish her brussel sprouts. There is no shame in cereal for dinner. I try to feed my kids fairly balanced, nutritious meals on the regular…so they won’t die if they eat macaroni and cheese a couple of nights. We can get back to home cooked sustenance when Dad’s home. For now, this is Survival Mode. Also, paper plates. If you don’t already have a bunch, BUY SOME. You’re welcome. It’s one thing to load everyone up and go somewhere because you want to…and a whole other ball of wax to have to run to the grocery store with a bunch of grumpy, hungry little kids because you’re out of milk. Don’t set yourself up for that.
2. Don’t forget plenty of snacks! My kids seem to be extra hungry when Dad’s out of town. I think it’s really a function of them feeling out of sorts due to the change in schedule and routine, and missing their dad. The truth is that it affects them as much as it affects me, except that they don’t quite know how to process through it. So, they pretty much act like they are starving every minute of every day. Stock your pantry and fridge with plenty of snacks. The healthy kind like grapes and carrot sticks, but consider buying some of the junk food kind too. Normally, I don’t keep cookies and stuff like that in the house, but when dad’s out of town, I like to give them something different and fun too. For example, I always have big tubs of yogurt in my fridge, but the kids get a real kick out of those little individual yogurt cups. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal, but I try to buy a few as a special treat. Dad being gone is hard. Adding special touches can help ease the transition even just a little bit.
3. Double check your medicine cabinet. Dude. You guys. I am not kidding when I say that if my kids are going to get sick, it’s going to happen when dad is gone. It’s become a bit of an inside joke in our house, except that it’s not funny. My kids obviously don’t get sick every time he is gone, but IF they are going to have stomach flu, you better believe it will happen when he’s in Canada or something equally far away and stupid. I honestly think that the last four times we’ve had feverish/puking kids Andy was gone. Then there was the time that Andy went to Germany for 8 days…MY BRAND NEW TWINS and my JUST BARELY TURNED TWO YEAR OLD…my girls were 9 weeks old. I was still recovering from an infected, awful, nasty c-section infection…hormones flinging every which way…sleep deprived is a word that doesn’t even cut it…and my dog got attacked by a opossum. She had an open wound that was oozing and obviously infected (hey, we matched!) and I was stuck having to somehow get her to the vet, give her antibiotics and smear cream on her nasty wound, and deal with her neurosis in a cone. With nine week old twins. And a two year old. And no family within 200 miles. Because of course the stupid dog needs a vet visit. While Andy is drinking warm beer at Oktoberfest. No. For reals. He was. (And working too…but still.) Honestly, it was probably the most miserable 8 days of my life. I could burst into tears now…four years later just thinking about it. Anyway, make sure you have baby Tylenol and gas drops and ALL THE THINGS…because being solo with a sick kid makes 3am Walgreens trips extra stabby. Also, I should have let the dog’s ear gangrene and fall off. Okay, no. But seriously???
4. Hunker down or Get out of the house. We’re homebodies, and my kids tend to thrive on relaxed, mostly unstructured time at home. Too many errands and trips out (even if they are fun), makes them a little crazy. (Plus, it’s kinda hard on me too. Jill and Owen are at a really hard combined stage right now.) Some families would be bouncing off the walls if they stayed home too long, so figure out which one works best for you. If you’re more of a Let’s Go family, plan trips to the park, the zoo, the beach. Enjoy your days when you don’t “have” to be home by 5 to get dinner started. There is a freedom in having the whole evening with no other commitments or responsibilities. On the flip side, it makes those evenings loooooong because nothing really changes with your day. For us, we mostly stick around the house. The kids play outside, ride bikes, make crafts, and generally hang out. We might run to Target or the skatepark, but we mostly lay low. It’s just what works for us.
5. Say yes. Dad’s gone, the days are really long, and life just feels really different. I try to let my kids do activities I would otherwise be quick to say no to on a regular basis. Make mud pies. Play with glitter. Paint sticks. Play in the sprinklers. Make volcanoes out of baking soda and vinegar. Have egg races. Bake sugar cookies (the kind that you cut out shapes and decorate). That chemistry set that grandma bought for their birthday months ago? Go for it. All that stuff that I’m usually like “no guys…not today…” Yes you will have clean up. But 10 minutes of clean up is a pretty decent exchange on an hour of kids playing happily. Plus, it gives them something special to combat the yuckiness that dad is gone.
6. Have a movie night/s. By the end of the day, I’m pretty much at my wit’s end and JUST WHATEVER, MAN. I’ve found that it’s a good way to unwind and sneak in some cuddle time (because Lord knows I’ve probably been yelling at them all day), to have a movie night. Normally, we don’t allow food or drink out of the kitchen, but when dad’s gone, I often relax on the rules just a little bit. Everyone gets cozy in their favorite jammies and I’ll lay out a blanket in the living room and pop some popcorn or make little mugs of hot cocoa with mini marshmallows, start up a movie, turn off all the lights, and get snuggled up together and watch the whole movie together. If I’m honest, I usually use TV as my digital babysitter, and take advantage of the quiet and get stuff done…but on movie night, I sit with them and watch the whole thing. It’s a good way to unwind and reconnect, especially when they are down a parent. (Sometimes we even have picnic in the living room and eat our dinner in front of the movie. This is such a no-no under normal circumstances, so it’s so fun for the kids!)
7. Carve out quiet time for YOU. I think all moms need this, all the time, but it’s especially important when the only adult interaction you have for days at a time is your Facebook feed. I’m an early bird and I need my dark, quiet mornings normally…but when dad is gone, it’s a requirement. Stay up a little later if you are a night owl. Whatever works for you. But find a way to let your brain actually process a complete thought without a whine, a cry, a dirty diaper, or a skinned knee.
While it may get somewhat easier in terms of how I plan my days, we will never get used to it. We will never get used to having Dad gone. I realize that it’s part of our life, based on the profession my husband has chosen, and it’s unlikely to ever not be the case so I try to just take a deep breath and Deal. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t awful. The kids still cry if he left before they woke up. I still dread his trips. I still find myself bitter some (lots of) days. I don’t think it will ever be no big deal. And I suspect that perhaps the day it becomes no big deal is the day that something has gone horribly wrong.
In the meantime, my goal is to make it out alive and with a shred of sanity…while making some fun memories for the kids. My hope is that they’ll remember all the special touches of contraband junk food, glitter crafts, and movies snuggled under the big cozy blanket when Daddy was gone.
Does your spouse travel for work? What are your coping mechanisms or tips for dealing with several days of solo parenting?
P.S. Single moms….I salute you.
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I needed this today… husband’s out of town for the week and we had a particularly rough bed time last night. Thanks for the reminder that we’re not alone in this. Also need to remember not to try to dump the kids in bed 30 minutes early because we’re all being a little crazy. It doesn’t ever work out the way I want it to.
a blog post just for me! Thanks! this will help tons! :)
Jeannett, I love you because you’re you, but I also love you for writing this post. You hit on ALL THE THINGS. The praying for work, the obvious comparisons to military and single moms, the crazy. Oh yes. I remember once locking myself in the bathroom, crying and saying “I can’t do this!” Luckily I brought my phone with me so I could text my friend Liz who had been through it before. She was having none of my pity party. But she did encourage me. Since then, things have gotten tons better. My kids are older now, and we have a certain amount of autopilot when Daddy’s away. I say a *certain* amount because summer. And hormones. Ohmaword, it is NO FUN when the hormones hit and there’s only Mama!!! And yes, the naughtiness of course increases when Mom’s doing double duty and she’s so.stinkin’.tired. Kids just instinctively know that is the absolute BEST time to strike. ;) But now I know why I have my kids signed up for three afterschool activities, when my high and mighty philosophy is one, tops: it makes the evenings go by quickly, and thus, smoother. And now with 3rd grade homework, we have even more structure to our day, and it actually works very well for us. You won’t hear Sedona say that, but Mama knows, Mama knows. GOD BLESS YOU, Jeannett! Keep on keeping on!
Hit the nail on the head. Maybe the one thing I would add is have a good friend who’s husband travels too that you can text random (maybe at time inappropriate things) to keep you sane!
I find Tracy also uses my frequent business travel as a perfect time to tell me she needs something that day, like a sewing machine, or a cargo bike. I’m way more distracted, sympathetic, and tend to ask a lot less questions, like “So, how much does it cost?” :)
Seriously though, running a household while we husbands on frequent business trips has to stink! The couple times Tracy left town, my wife sets up people to help me;I know I’m spoiled. Tracy is the mom so everyone assumes she has it down.
Great advice, as always, Sista. Over many “warm beers” with your husband, Andy and I both agree it is easier and less stressful to spend months negotiating business deals with billion dollar companies than spend the day alone with our children.
My husband travels regularly (He’s gone 1-2 weeks out of every 6 or 7 weeks) and it’s all international travel. You got most of the things that I would recommend. I think I would add keeping your routine as similar as possible. I have a 3 year old and a 1year old and not having daddy around is a big enough change. Also, I would recommend telling your child’s teacher if you spouse is gone on travel. Kids can sometimes be a little “off” when Daddy is gone and not really be able to communicate why. Maybe find 1 special treat that you eat or do when your spouse is gone. Our favorite part about travel is that when my husband is gone, we always order a pizza! We don’t eat pizza when Daddy is home, so it’s a special treat for us :)
There is a slight chance that I have (in the past) used such times to repaint the bedroom (and, just maybe the dining room and a child’s room or two) when I knew he didn’t want to tackle said project. That’ll teach him…but, oh, how much I loved the new color!!
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When I had a 4 year old and 9 month old twins, my hubby was a youth minister and took our youth group to Mexico for a mission trip for 14 days. There was a 48 hour period in there when I got zero sleep because I couldn’t get all the kids to sleep at the same time. It was awful, and I am tearing up right now thinking about it.
All of the things you said…yes. I also found it helpful when my kids were younger (they are13 and 10 now) to plan play dates. It gave us a change of people scenery. We were all SICK of each other and having some new faces to interact with helped. And honestly, if you’re already fixing PB&J for 3 why not fix it for 6? And once or twice the favor got returned and our kids got invited for play dates the next time my hubby was out of town.
I LOVED doing the movie night/picnic in the living room thing because I could get everyone bathed and in PJs at like 4:00 so we could have dinner and a movie and then we were all good for bed as soon as the movie was over.
I also got in the habit of inviting a teen or college girl from our church (that loved our kids) to spend the night with me. Even one night out of the string of 6 or 8 nights gives you a welcome distraction. They always knew what they were getting in to (diapers, bottles, chicken nuggets, folding laundry, etc.) but it was so fun to spend time with them in that setting. It was always very “real” and I in no way felt like I had to clean or prepare or entertain in any way other than the norm because one of the girls was there. I still have very close relationships with those girls, they watched me grow into my mothering role, and now they are young mothers and I get to love on their kids every so often.
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Are you peeking in my windows or what!?! I feel like you wrote this post for me.
My hubs travels extensively for his work. He’s gone for 2-3 week stretches then comes home for 1-2 weeks. Meal planning and heading to the store are a must the day before he leaves. My littles are 15 mos, 3 and 6. Working and trying to juggle it all have just become too much so we’ve decided that I will be staying home with them next year.
Another thing that helps me keep it all together is keeping (or at least trying) to keep my house clean. I pull a couple ‘all nighters’ a week to keep up on it. It helps knowing I won’t be embarrassed by the house if someone wanted to come by and help with things (who are we kidding here NOONE wants to come help:))
I do hate to complain about my situation when there are so many soldiers out there fighting for us. It could be so much worse. Thanks for the great post!! I need to take your advice and take the time to watch a movie with them instead of cleaning the kitchen.
Hmmm sorry to be cynical here but as a kid of a milatory Dad and now in my current career I travel constantly- my first thought was “get a grip”. 10 days away ???? Nothing. I used to be away from home up to 9 weeks at a time and overseas for up to 20 weeks a year. Now just fly out most Sundays and back most Friday nights. And no I don’t work in the milatory. In Australia the “Fly in Fly out” life is VERY common. Yes its really hard with kids especially little ones but just teach them young to do stuff themselves, run the place like a milatory campaign, get them into a routine and stick to it- always. Teach the kids to be independant and cope with life – it will be the making of them in the long run. The only time my Mum freaked out was the couple of times that we either had rats trapped and were still alive or the carpet snake on the kitchen table episode.
Wow, this is my life! I think that no matter how long/often your partner is away it is challenging. Luckily, my husband is in the swanky dinner category, not in harms way…. And I always feel the same way, he’s out at a fancy dinner while I am eating mac and cheese (leftover, which makes it so much worse!), in yoga pants, unshowered, just living the life!!
Great Post, and really good tips. I have been at this wife of a traveling bussinessman thing for 6+ years now, and these are all things that keep me sane!
I have one son who travels for work every 2-3 months. I recently retired. Although I live 1200 miles away, I will always be available to come help, and most usually do. I add a couple of days on his return so I can see him as well. I was very nervous offering, as I really did not want to intrude…after all, who wants their mother-in-law there when your husband is away? Turns out, it works great for us, a second pair of hands for the laundry,the kitchen, the cleaning, the reading,the cuddling…I get to know both my grand kids and daughter-in-law better. My only rule…she must plan a girls day/night during my visit. The point….don’t be afraid to offer….or ask. You will be surprised at the people who would love to hang out with you and your kids who don’t need the ‘Guest’ treatment.
Hmm let’s see here. Miss A and I left the dog days of Sacramento back in August for 10 days in Ferndale, and left Dad behind. Not really the same if Mom and Co. traveling are the same…. Miss A is on a tight schedule when it’s just us b/c I work 9 hour days. Brett had been gone on several occasions and I find doing things that are unusual a good way to deflect the fact that dad isn’t around. Anything from baking to visiting an older neighbor to hitting the park on the way home. Or the local snow cone place for a tasty treat. Once we are home it’s dinner/bath/bed in short order. 5 am comes mighty early.
However I will say that my solo parenting nights are nothing compared to a mom with more than one kid, and all that entails.
Best,
Caryl
When the kids were little and my husband was gone a lot, if I ever felt a crazy panic feeling coming on, I’d say to the kids, “let’s go on an adventure!” and put them in the car, give them snacks, and then drive to anywhere. They liked car rides, so this worked. Usually we’d drive somewhere we’d never been, take roads out to the country to see animals, or find a new town to discover. If there was a park, we’d hit it up. And adventures usually involved a stop at an ice cream shop or other tasty treat.
Now that the kids are older, when my husband’s gone, I cope with chick flicks.
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It’s gotten way easier as the kids have gotten older (10 and 12 now), but I remember days of consciously lowering the bar to “alive, safe, and fed (something).”
Two other things to add:
1. Keep the bar low for the day hubby comes home, too. It’s tempting to greet him at the door with a snarling “they’re allll yours” while you high-tail it outta there. Business travel sounds like fun (room service! remote control to yourself!) but it is still tiring, and coming home to a grouchy wife and crazy kids isn’t the best welcome home. Laid-back pizza and decompressing for everyone is way better.
2. It doesn’t hurt to be specific about your need for recognition. I say (only half jokingly) that the farther away/cooler the trip, the nicer my treat needs to be. Domestic trips usually warrant a thorough kitchen cleaning (extra-nice given how terrible it is when he gets back), Canada gets me Tim Hortons, and I’ve scored a crepe pan and lingerie from Europe ;) Definitely helps to know that I’m appreciated for my solo parenting stint.
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Juust wanted to say I love reading your blog and
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