As my sister nears her due date, I’m sending her my baby gear.
After all, there’s no sense in her spending hundreds (thousands?) of dollars on swings, bouncy seats, rockers and all that other stuff you DON’T ACTUALLY NEED, when I already have it…and I’m done using it.
I’ve sent down baby clothes and all manner of random gear…but it wasn’t until it was time to send off the changing table that I had a panic attack. Okay, maybe not an actual panic attack, but I came a bit unglued.
There it was, on my front step, never to go into my house again.
You see, this changing table, moreso than the swings and Bumbos and plastic baby tubs (again, none of which you even need), has been a permanent fixture in our home for almost seven years. Seven? Yes, because it was in Henry’s perfectly appointed nursery for months before he was even born. Because clearly you need a perfectly decorated nursery month’s before a baby exits the womb…and even more months before they’ll actually sleep in it. Clearly.
This changing table has been in constant use for years. I suppose that’s what happens when you have four children in five years. This changing table has been a workhorse for our family. It has been in different rooms…sometimes with pink and sometimes with blue…but it has seemingly always been around.
And there was something about this piece leaving my home…that symbolized the end of a season. I mean, sure, Owen is obviously not potty trained at 9 months old…but, he really is our last baby.
This is the last time I’ll have a swing in the corner, a Bumbo on the floor, a blue plastic tub in the bathroom. There will be no more squishy, delicious newborns who do that arms in the air stretching thing that only newborns can do (can you hear the little grunt?). There will be no more swaddling so tight you’re convinced you’ll cut their circulation, but they just burrow down deeper. There will be no more little grunts and groans and snuggling in for long naps with little suits made of skin that they haven’t quite grown into yet.
I often call Owen our Caboose. Bringing up the Gibson rear.
But is he really, truly our last baby????
Is he?
Because I’m here to tell you that seeing this image of my changing table leaving my house forever…made me want to put a screeching, screaming, squealing halt to the train that says Owen’s the last. I wanted to haul it right back upstairs where it belonged, banging and clanking on each step, and call my sister and tell her she was going to have to register for a changing table, because this one still had some use left in it.
BUT.
Is this just being a mom? Is this part of the way we are re-wired when we hear that thump thump thump of the ultrasound? Will I always pine and wax for those glorious first days and months when you marvel for hours at impossibly tiny toes? Will I always wish for the chubby thighs that scoot around a living room? Will I always miss the gummy belly laughs of a little one?
In other words, will my ovaries really ever stop twitching????
I mean, even if (and that’s a big if) we went for #5 (and we’re not)…would this feeling ever really go away? Or, will I sigh and feel a nostalgic ache in my heart at the sight of a babe…even when I’m 74?
If I gave in to this “oh…babies!!!” feeling every time, would I just be the California version of Mrs. Duggar?
The truth is, I’m really happy with my family. I feel like we “gel”. And I’d be lying if there wasn’t a part of me that can’t wait for the days when there is nary a carseat in my car and everyone can wipe their own butts. And let’s face it, the trouble with babies is that they grow up to be three year olds. (Kidding. Kind of.)
We aren’t going for 5. I mean, we aren’t. But hot dang if my innards aren’t freaking out a bit at seeing and feeling the end of this chapter for our family…and how ridiculously fast it’s all happening.
The days are sometimes impossibly long…but the years somehow manage to be much too short.
Besides, like Andy said: “Jeannett…you know we’ll always have babies in our house. We’ll do foster care or something. I’ve already figured that out. You can’t not have a baby here. I think you’d die.”
I love that guy.
Do you get this? I mean, or am I just crazy?
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Ummm. Not to discourage you, but yeah, that twitch will always be there. My uterus still aches for a tiny one, and I’m 50. There comes a time when you can resolve that the only tiny ones you will be able to even temporarily own are your grandchildren.
And I’m SO not ready to be a MiMi. Or a Nanna. Or a GiGi. Memaw… whatever you want to call it… I’m not willing to fulfill that twitch by doing THAT.
I do yearn to snuggle that little bundle of baby-grunts. But it will have to wait… hopefully for a few more years.
First I have to live through this wedding we’re having this summer, which will. be. the. death. of. me.
Kimber´s last blog post ..The Part Where I Don’t Have Anything To Say
I know exactly how you feel. I took down my youngest’s toddler bed this past weekend and gave her a twin size bed. We are happy with our two girls and know that we are done having kids. But I still think, what if? What if we had just one more, or two or more? My husband would surely go crazy but it still feels strange to know you are done and past the whole “baby” phase of your life.
Allison´s last blog post ..Sugar ‘n Spice VoxBox
The days are sometimes impossibly long…but the years somehow manage to be much too short.
Love, love, love this! Your writing never ceases to amaze me. I promise you will look back as you are planning a wedding with each of your daughters and say, where did the time go.
Oh Jeanette, this post couldn’t come at a better time. My sweet twin boys are one year old today. They are my cabooses (is the plural caboosi?) and I know it’s crazy, but I get the twitch. And then my husband gets the twitch…in his eye right before it looks like he’s going to collapse for exhaustion of having 4 boys in 5 years. I (mostly) know we’re done, but I feel a little less crazy for knowing I’m not the only one who irrationally feels that way.
Totally get it. We (I) thought we were probably done after two, because in seminary you’re just too poor to have babies. Wrong. Enter #3 and 4 soon after. Ok. We’re set. Our family is complete! Wrong. God allowed us to then experience two miscarriages, one year apart, after two very unplanned pregnancies. And guess what? We’re expecting #5 this fall : ) Baby survived and here I am finding myself starting from square one at age 39! And you know…I love it. God is good. No matter the number. No matter OUR plans, He has HIS plans. I am a baby lover too and yet never thought I’d be where I’m at today!! We even tried to adopt twice and both fell through. We’ve even talked about the foster family thing too!! Lol – so you just never know. But I think my ovaries will forever twitch!!!!!!
Kerry @ Made For Real´s last blog post ..Tuesday Prayers
It never goes away…thank goodness you have blessed me with those four adorable great nieces and nephews!
Totally. Although we’re not debating this right now, I often wonder HOW people know that they are done.
Feeling your twitch sista! I’m 53 years old and every time I see a baby, I grabbed my husbands arm and say “oh I want one of those”. (all ours are grown and gone, which is heaven on earth). Still… I want a baby around – at least for 2-3 hours per day. too bad you can rent one to scratch the twitch.
We have 2 boys which are almost exactly 2 years apart (4 days short) and I love them. I love our family dynamic and like you said, how we gel. But I always thought we would have 3. Right after I had my youngest, I yearned so badly for baby girl. And I always thought we would give it another go.
But as my youngest has gotten older, it’s hard to imagine going through the baby stages again. We have gotten rid of all of our baby stuff, things we have had since my oldest. Our home is no longer baby proof, we are now in the “Lego’s All Over The Floor” stage.
Now in saying that, for the past 2+ years we have been “not trying, not preventing”. So it is quite possible we could have another. But something in my heart tells me we are done. Over the past couple of years I feel as if God has given me peace over our little family. Though every once in awhile when I pass the baby girl section, my ovaries do a little twitch.
My parents had 4 in 5 years as well, and then stopped. My dad used to fulfill his itch for babies (he loves babies and toddlers!) by volunteering in the church nursery. My mom used to quietly contact new moms in church or in our neighborhood, and offer to take their babies for a few hours while they got their hair done, or ran errands, or slept. That was how she got her baby fix. Even in high school, I remember coming home and finding other people’s babies in our house, and my mom, happy as a clam, rocking them or playing with them.
What a gift to those mothers!
Katherine´s last blog post ..A Freebie
Seeing all your pictures of O-boy gives me the twitch! For a long time when there was a baby in the room I was afraid to hold it for fear of getting the twitch and doing something silly like going and making another one of my own….. I still get the itch when I see babies, or more often when I see pictures of my kids when they were babies and preschoolers and I remember how they used to like to cuddle me and climb all over me… I want that again! …. But now that my youngest is 9, another baby would mean two more babies because that baby would need a playmate….. I’m just not going to scratch that itch….. I’m too old, physically and emotionally, to scratch that itch….. but I still do have it sometimes. Good luck parting with your baby stuff as you pass it on to your sis. Parting is such sweet sorrow! xoxo
Anne @ anne b. good´s last blog post ..<< my week in review: 4/5-11
I get it! I only have one so far and already panic at the thought of reaching the point where we no longer have a baby in the house!
jenny´s last blog post ..{It’s time to stop saying it "Out Loud"}
This is a very interesting post to read as I sit here pregnant with #2 and feeling like it’s going to be a daunting task now that #1 is 5 years old and so easy. I’ve always loved kids and babysat from the very minute I turned old enough…I worked at a daycare…I’ve always thought I wanted a bunch of kiddos. And yet – it took me FOREVER to feel ready to take the plunge into parenthood, and I questioned wanting another one WAY more then I ever thought I would. It’s odd to me now how quiet my biological clock has been through the years and how I really don’t see other peoples babies and feel that URGE that I always thought I would.
I have a friend who is expecting #5 at 38 years old….when she thought she was done after #4….so maybe you can get the baby stuff back from your sister at some point – who knows….when Owen is 2 or 3 you just might change your mind mama!! Some people (YOU) were BORN to do this mom thing!
Kirsten´s last blog post ..Quick Update…
that last quote from your husband?
precious.
absolutely precious.
i love being reminded that yes, my husband really DOES know me! because there are lots of days when i wonder! ;)
jenn´s last blog post ..cherry blossoms!
I’m 43 and still get twitchy. My girls are 23 and…7. Yes, I did surrender to the twitch that time :)
the Iowa Expat´s last blog post ..Really going home: the Netherlands
From the old grandma – You never get over wanting to have babies around. It is just something you live with, and then, when you’re really lucky, some wonderful woman gives birth to your amazing grandchildren. Love you all so much.
That darn dreaded twitch. I know your feelings and totally sympathize. It’s hard ot imagine that you are done when that means moving on to a new stage and your family is complete. I keep praying for peace about this feeling. Some days I’m so over ever having little ones. Others I yearn for just one more. I am sure that feeling will always be there.
Carolyn´s last blog post ..SHS Book Club: The Perks of Being a Wallflower
so NOT crazy – so get this – so lived this and at time still do – what I wouldn’t give for a newborn, arms stretching, grunting and smelling like they smell! ahhhh, alas its not the road will walk but I twitch often!!
De-lurking to say you nailed that feeling exactly! I just passed on some baby things to my sister-in-law (my “baby” is 6!) and I was in tears as I bagged them up for her. Does it ever go away?
You know you can always borrow our baby! ;-) heehee XOXO
Yup. Get it. Totally get it.
We have 5. Our youngest is almost 20 months. She’s the caboose, too. There ALWAYS has to be a last baby. Whether you have 4, 5, or 12. There has to be a last. And, I think for a lot of moms (though not all), that last baby is just hard to really face up to. It makes me absolutely SAD to think no more super chunky baby thighs in onesies. No more squeaky newborns. It makes me sad to think of our last baby never holding “the next baby” because there really isn’t going to be a next baby.
BUT – then I fix my eyes on what we’re actually called to. What in *reality* is best for our family… as we currently understand that. And I seek contentment and thanksgiving for what is given. And remind myself there really always HAS to be a last :/
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Oh I totally know what you are talking about! And I LOVE that your husband made the comment about foster care/you needing to have a baby in the house. He knows what’s up:) but I have been struggling with this as well, we have 5 children but our 4 th child passed away during surgery when he was 7 weeks old, about 18 months ago. I will miss him to my dying day, but will I always feel like we need another child? Like we are missing one? Cause we will always be missing one on this side of heaven…definitely a case by case thing for each family and mama. So I feel this post!
I still have friends that are having babies, so I will snuggles with theirs. For me, I am happy to not get up every three house to feed a baby. I love the ages of my girls 9,7, and 4, and am excited for this next step in motherhood. Plus, I am getting my body back into shape, and I like it.
seriously sassy mama´s last blog post ..Future Homemaker Of America
I was in mourning this December. If we had kept up the same pace I would have been holding another baby in my arms as Charissa approached her 2nd birthday – and boy was that second birthday hard. I had to kiss “baby season” goodby and do my best to embrace the current blessings and challenges of the toddler through pre-teen stage we’re in now. I miss my babies but I love my kids!
Jacquelyn Moses´s last blog post ..Passover
In other words, will my ovaries really ever stop twitching???? No, not really…sorry. But, you sound so much like me..my husband was so right when he assured me that it was really another infant I wanted, not really another addition tour family. But hang I there….greats and grands are really the best thing ever! I was lucky enough that I had nieces and nephews who were starting their families while mine were tweens, so I could pick up rocking duties without too long a break. Them my grandchildren started to arrive….perfection!
You have such a sweet husband and it is totally adorable that he “gets” you like that. I have the opposite problem- I’m just not a baby/newborn person. However, I’d love to have a house full of preschoolers (they are my favorite!)
NJ @ A Cookie Before Dinner´s last blog post ..Finish Line
Oh my gosh! You sound exactly like me, so I’d say no. It will never go away, but, you will have peace someday. I had two, 2-1/2 years apart. When I realized that we just were not going to start over, I began to become ok with it. Actually enjoying this phase of sleepovers with Nana, and more date nights with the man. Then, I had another baby girl 6 years after my second. It was like this little blessing that I prayed would go sooo slow! It didn’t! I got rid of everything when she was 4, knowing we were really done. We couldn’t fake that another child would fit into our tiny home, like we had with the last. My husband was like, “whats your suggestion… bunkbed cribs?” letting go was easier this time. Then, I had yet another baby girl 6 years after my third was born! Oh my goodness, i cant explain the joy! its not that i didnt enjoy my other children. Its almost as if I have this little secret pocket of wisdom this time around. I am much more in tune with what really matters. It’s so bittersweet though. No matter how hard I try to slow it down, it is going by faster than ever! I am nursing an 11 month old, while preparing a 16-1/2 year old for her future, could it get any more crazy? Well, we shall see in 5 more years…
P.s. I have thought about feeding them only caffeine, in order to stunt their growth. I just haven’t figured out how to do it without being arrested! Let me know if you find a way!
Change the names and dates and I could’ve written this word for word. We have four. We are done. Done! Done? Done. Done? Done! Seriously makes me sick to my stomach packing away baby things, and my youngest is only 4.5 months.
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