Growing up in a traditional Portuguese home, I was used to referring to adults as Sir and M’am (in Portuguese…obvs).
I also grew up knowing that it was supremely disrespectful to refer to an adult as “You”. I know, that sounds weird, and in translation, it doesn’t quite work, but I’ll try:
When I was in Portugal visiting family (the one and only time I went…I was 12), I asked my uncle “What are you doing today?”. His immediate response was: “I will answer that when you have more respect young lady.” Gulp.
The word You is familiar. It’s what you say to your friends, your peers. To adults or those who garner extra respect, I should have said “What is Sir doing today?” It sounds awkward in English, but it makes more sense in Portuguese, so you’ll have to settle for the ubiquitous “lost in translation” notion.
The point is, I grew up with adults in a bit of a different category. You spoke to them differently than you did your peer group.
Part of the reason all of this sounds so formal, and maybe even harsh to our American sensibilities is because it’s so culturally different. Saying Sir and Madam is so…Downton Abbey. It’s old fashioned and feels stuffy. (P.S. we are almost caught up…and I am DYING. Soooo good!)
I always knew that when I had kids I wanted some of that good old fashioned manners coming from their little lips, but I also knew that it was kinda counter cultural and made people uncomfortable.
I know that I don’t much like being referred to as Mrs. Gibson. It’s just…weird.
But still…having my 3 year old speak to a 40 year old by their first name seemed downright rude to me. Blending of cultures can be complicated!
Taking a (brilliant) cue from some friends, we married the two ideas: Frank is Mr. Frank. Tracy is Mrs. Tracy. Not quite so official as using last names, but that added title satisfied my need for some formality.
They must always add the title. Always. If they slip, an eyebrow goes up and they are corrected. I like it. It’s respectful…and let’s face it: it’s pretty darn cute too.
Fast forward to skateboarding. The owners of the skateboard shop are these presumably cool (I say presumably because I know nothing of coolness…I’m just a mom, remember?) brothers. They’re kinda hip and in with the young crowd.
The first time we met the owners, I told Henry “This is Mr. Dan.”
WHOA. Back up the train! “No, no, no! No misters around here! Just call me Dan! I’m not a mister!”
I laughed and explained that we require our kids to use Mr. and Mrs.
“Well not with me. I’m just Dan. Got it buddy?”
Henry was so confused and looked to me for permission…like when someone offers him a cookie right before dinner…I shrugged my shoulders and said “I guess it’s okay…”
Ten minutes later, I heard “Hey! Mr. Dan! Check this out!”
Months later, the boys are still Mr. Dan and Mr. Dave. Months later, I still get little comments about “Will you quit with that Mr. business?” Months later, it has become a bit of a joke between us.
I love that it’s almost impossible for my kids to refer to adults solely by their first names. I love that it’s such a habit, that they can’t do it even when admonished by their too cool for school skateboard instructor.
They might burp at the table and laugh maniacally at potty humor…but dangit they will have SOME manners !
I know it seems like a weird hill to die on, but it’s one of my Parenting Things.
Do you make your kids refer to adults differently? What’s that battle you’re willing to go toe to toe on?
*The pictures have nothing to do with anything…I just hate posts without pictures and I didn’t really have any. So I tossed in some gratuitously cute kid pics. Throw back style.
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That is exactly how it is handled in the south. My peers’ children call me “Ms. Kristy” unless I am a very close friend of the family and they they go with “Aunt Kristy,” but there is always a title involved.
You know, sometimes I wish I lived in the South. Except for the humidity. And the giant bugs. And that I don’t like sweet tea. (GASP!) But truly, the good old fashioned traditions appeal to me. Don’t find much of that in California.
you don’t like sweet tea – that is a GASP! i just don’t know if i can follow your blog anymore…
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Same here! Always a title. Either Ms. Lori, or Aunt Brittany, or Mr. Greg…everyone gets a title! It started as soon as my baby was born so that it will be ingrained into her little mind when she starts really talking.
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We are in the south also & we do the exact same thing around here. We moved here 3 years ago from out west & at first it was a bit foreign but we quickly adopted it with my 3 kiddos. Love mannerly kids, I automatically have more respect for parents if they have taught their kids to speak respectfully.
I use Mr. and Mrs. We were raised that way. A couple whose daughter and I met in 2nd grade are still referred to as Mr. & Mrs. It’s just too weird to stop…
Cheers,
Caryl
Totally. Which is why it was so hard for Henry to just call Dan…Dan. It was weird for HIM.
Here’s how I see it. When someone tells you how they want to be addressed you do it. To do otherwise is disrespectful. If someone says call me Dan and not Mr. Dan and you insist on saying Mr. Dan it is disrespectful to their wishes. It is just as bad as if you were introduced to someone as this is Mrs. Smith, but you insist on calling her Sally. The point is by not addressing someone by their preferred name you are making them uncomfortable and that is rude. That being said, I am a little older than you and I never referred to my parents friends or neighbors as Mr. or Mrs. anything. They were always introduced with their first names (usually by themselves) and that is what they preferred to be called. In fact, one of my dad’s good friends taught at my high school. I didn’t even know his last name at first but I knew I couldn’t call him Sam at school. So I had to find out his last name so when I saw him in school I could be respectful of where we were. He even said it sounds weird you calling me that, but we laughed about it as one of the weird conventions of school life. Of course if someone said I am Mr. Jones, Mr. J or Mr. Mike, they would definitely be called that (as is the case with the parents of some of my friends) but that rarely happened. It’s great to teach kids manners and to say Mr. or Miss on first meetings, but when corrected by the person they are addressing and told call me “______” then that is what they should call that person.
I totally agree with you. It’s not worth the manner if it ends in being impolite. In the case of Dan…I gave Henry permission to call him that (which I explained in my post). I didn’t insist. I understood. But it was Henry, in his whopping five years of age, that keeps inserting the Mr. Not out of spite or insistence…just simply out of juvenile habit. It’s uncomfortable for my son to address adults by first name only…so he can’t help but add the title. The truth is, Dan gets it. He has four kids of his own, and while it may not be his Parenting Thing, he gets it. I don’t think he’s overly offended by Henry’s reference…as I mentioned, it’s become a running joke. We both kinda laugh about it. If he were truly offended, I would of course go out of my way to insist that Henry drop the title…but it’s really not a big deal…albeit it surprised him at first. He’s an easy going guy, and we’re pretty easy going people…so it’s a funny thing. Not a rude one. I suppose I only brought up the experience to illustrate how it’s such a habit for my children. And in this case, a habit I don’t mind. :)
That makes sense. I was just trying to make a point. Most people won’t be offended if you are more proper with their name rather than less proper. You pretty much can’t go wrong with extra politeness. I know I’m not upset by it. I have a friend whose daughter calls me Miss Janine. I’m not offended in the slightest but we have told her and her daughter it totally isn’t necessary. But I still feel the ultimate lesson to teach is to be respectful of other people’s wishes and boundaries when it comes to personal things like their name. As a former middle school teacher I found the most powerful tool in the classroom was learning students names quickly and using the name they preferred. It didn’t matter what the roster said their name was. By using their name/nickname they felt respected and acknowledged and that went a long way in receiving the same back from them. It works on adults too :)
I grew up raised by hippies and everyone was called by their first names EXCEPT grandparents and aunts/uncles. Adults were “Tanya” and “Steve”. As a mother in the south, I required my kids to call adults “Mrs. Tanya”, etc. thinking family friends would eventually be called by their first names once our kids got older. Curiously, they moved the opposite direction and now in middle and almost high school refer to adults by Mrs. Smith. I am just happy they have manners.
I just want to say that I love that you used the word “hippies”. We really don’t see enough of that word nowadays.
Thanks!
I have to say…I’m one now. My dad is a gun hugging right winger now, but I learned the lessons they were teaching of love, peace and equality when I was a little kid. Raising a new generation of peace loving tree huggers (that is my generations name for said hippies). Love your blog and all the intelligent honesty you share. Keep it up.
if my children do not know the person than i try to have them day ma’am or sir. If it is one of our friends, then I am perfectly ok with them referring to them by their first name. I want their children to just call me Necole.
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In reference to Janine above…I’m curious…if you told my five year old to call you Necole…and even with my blessing, he continued to call you Miss Necole…would you be offended? Not out of spite, just habit. Would that make you uncomfortable or angry?
I would not be uncomfortable, offended, or angry at all. Being called Miss Necole always makes me smile. It reminds me of when I worked at a daycare in college. I do not want to make the child uncomfortable. He or she can call me whatever they like, just as long as it is not hey you. Lol.
Just as an FYI: The side effect of being raised in the Deep South and growing up using Mr. and Mrs. LASTNAME (or Mr./Mrs. FIRSTNAME, if you were close) is that I call my MIL Mrs. Firstname. I call some of my work colleagues Mr. Firstname. I call my friends’ parents Mr./Mrs. Firstname. I am a 36 year old attorney, and I encourage my girls to follow this custom, but I have trouble breaking myself of the habit! And we use Ma’am/Sir too!
So interesting that it changes a bit depending on gender! And man, I totally missed the boat on M’am and Sir…that’s just the cutest EVER!
Oh i like you, i really do!!! I grew up in a military home – it was always Mr & Mrs. But for me with my kids, I am ok with first names – for relatives though IT must be Auntie so and so or Uncle so and so – and THEY must say please and thank you and LOOK at someone when they are talking to them. Those are my toe to toe things!
How, in the same vain as your pictures & this post – this comment has nothing to do wih your post: if you are so inclined – pop over to my blog and enter my giveaway :)
xoTiffany
And with that…I’m off to enter your giveaway! Sweet!
I’m with you. We do the same thing. I think it shows respect but isn’t overwhelming in our casual culture. And I agree. It’s adorable. :)
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I get it! Lots of today’s youth are lacking in social manners that have been around forever. In my family it wasn’t so much the Mr. and Mrs. but if you were told to do something by an adult or asked a question by an adult it needed to be answered with a ‘yes ma’am or no sir.’.
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Yep. To all of it. My kids have to use Mr. and Mrs., and it depends on the person in terms of first or last name. Kids have so many issues with respect in this culture, and I believe kids should know they are not on the same level as adults. ‘Cause I’m mean like that.
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haha. this post is great, Jeanett! we taught our kids to say Mr and Mrs with last names as well. we have also done the Mr/Mrs first name if the adult has offered that option. my kids have also been told the “just call me (first name)” too. we went with, if it is good friend’s parents, sunday school teachers (because they insist on doing this at church and I don’t know why), and babysitters (if offered), then it is ok to call them the name they ask to be called. we explained that it is their name and to be respectful of how they wish to be addressed. any other time, it is mr/mrs. now, my kiddos are 10 and 7, so it is easier for them to distinguish between which is appropriate. I also think it helps that I was raised with the mr/mrs thing (as you were), and so I also model the same behavior – their teachers are mr/mrs when I say their name, adults older than me are mr/mrs unless they are friends. I feel that it is a dying lesson to teach our kids to respect adults/other people in general, so I am doing what I feel is right for us. I think it is wonderful that you want to instill that in your family.
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I have always LOVED being called “Miss Nette” by your kids! I realize I am of the “older” generation where we were always supposed to call our elders “Mr.” or “Mrs” and their last name…I’m just so glad they don’t call me by my last name, then I’d REALLY feel old! I have always said, as long as they don’t call you “Hey” or a bad name, I’m good :) Hugs!
I agree and my kids do the same…at least they BETTER do the same even when I’m not around! :-) I, too, couldn’t make them say Mr. {Last Name} because if I’m honest, I don’t want to be called Mrs. Y….that’s my MOTHER IN LAW, not me. Plus like you said, it does sound rather stuffy these days. LOVE kids with manners!
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It is strange to me how some customs seem to come up no matter what your heritage. I grew up on an isolated island off the east coast of Canada…99% of the sparse population was Irish, Or Welsh. I would never in a million years be able to call an adult by their first name when I was a child! It was either Mr and Mrs. If a family friend was particularly close, it would be Aunt and Uncle. My poor husband has yet to be sure who is actually related to us and who was honoured with the term, even after 39 years! We did the same with our kids. Worked for us…although my 5 year old grandson calls me by my first name when we are alone and it is so cute!
Totally agree with you! Our kids call our friends and other adults that we are close to Mr./ Mrs. first name. Adults that we don’t know as well or are quite a bit older, we’ll use a their last name unless they offer something different. It is so important to teach respect and manners to our kids!
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I get what you mean! I am Polish and the usage of “you” in English always surprises me. The first time it happened with my teachers at my university; I was shocked they used our first names and asked to call them by their first names, too. Then I was uncomfortable without any “sir” or “madame” to back me up with the parents of my English boyfriend. Jeez, that one was hard!
My little ones have a lot of “aunts” and “uncles” even though we are not really related to them; they are my friends. But it was easier for them, growing up in two different cultures/languages/customs. They never use “You” to adults; and I like that.
I had no idea you have portuguese roots! I love Portugal and for a while I used to live with two portuguese guys (Nuno and Ivo). They taught me some words/expressions but it was back in my clubbing days – so you can imagine what kind of words I know! :)
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We ALWAYS used mr/mrs lastname growing up. ALWAYS. We haven’t gotten in the habit yet with our three year old though. He really only addresses his aunts, uncles, and grandparents by their names right now. I like the miss/mr first name.
I live in the south, and in addition to all non-family adults being addressed as Mr./Mrs./Miss, kids are expected to answer (even to their parents) with “ma’am” or “sir.” Instead of saying “what?” when you call their names, they say, “Ma’am?”
I teach 3rd grade Spanish immersion — and again, since this is the south, even though my husband (native Spanish speaker) insists that it isn’t quite an exact translation, I expect the kids in my classroom to respond to me, “Si, Senora” instead of “ok” or “Vale,” because of the respect involved.
Love, love, love your post! The kids in my family use this, I used it growing up. Sometimes, if it was a business associate of my father’s it was still Mr. Lastname. It’s important for kiddos to recognize that currently adults are not their peers. When I babysit, I refer to myself as Ms. Sara and usually the kids do also. I coach high school sports, and it is a requirement that any adult the athletes on my team interact with during practice/games must be Sir/Ma’am/Coach. No exceptions. It’s a matter of respect, but also, safety. The Mr/Ms thing to me indicates, if mom/dad are not around, and a child is in trouble, they know this adult will be in charge. A reminder that they can turn to that person if absolutely necessary. Anyway, like I said earlier, love this post.
i really do like Mr. and Mrs. but always felt like a fraud saying it to my kids… i’m so immature. Cali is much more laid back. i grew up in Arizona and we never spoke like that. i’m close to being a redneck, you know. i wish i were more proper, for my children’s sake at least!
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Loved this post! We also used Mr & Miss when introducing our kids to new adults. I think it’s respectful without making the kids feel so distant from people we associate with, if that makes sense. Our close friends are “Aunt Molly” and “Uncle Matt” since they really are like family to us. Not sure if that confuses the kids, but it’s what we do. :)
Love this! I as well have my son call people Mr/Miss First name… glad it’s not me, and I didn’t even grow up in the south.
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My kids always say “Mr. or Mrs.” too. My son is in taikwondo and they make him say “sir” or ma’am” all the time. We were at the haircut clips and he said “yes ma’am” to the lady cutting his hair and she was impressed. I, however, get embarrassed by being that formal and wonder if people think I’m really strict when he says that when in fact it is his martial arts teachers instilling that in him. So funny…..
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