When we got married ten and a half years ago, we were broke college kids. We had ZERO furniture (we had always lived in apartments that came furnished), but we managed to scrape together most of the needed pieces from hand me downs and fill in the blanks with Ikea.
But we were still down a mattress.
So the day after we got home from our Jamaican honeymoon, still sun kissed and smelling like sea salt, we went mattress shopping.
In those earliest of days, in an effort to show my new husband how agreeable and compromising and amazingly go-with-the-flow I was, I agreed to the bed that I thought was much too hard. He had married well. See how I just let you pick the mattress?
“Sure honey! Whatever you want! I’m sure it’ll be great!”
Silly, naive, dumb, dumb, dumb little girl.
If given the opportunity, I would slap my ten year younger self.
I figured I would get used to it. The mattress would soften up with time. How bad could it be?
We were in love. And I still had braids in my hair. And a rocking tan. And zero stretch marks.
Again, I want to slap Younger Me.
Well, that mattress never did soften up. Nor did my body just “get used to” sleeping on a concrete block.
In fact, ten and a half years and a body that has carried four babies (including a set of twins) later…that mattress was kicking. my. butt.
My pasty white, stretch marked, hair in a messy ponytail butt.
You know you need a new bed when you find yourself daydreaming about the hotel we stayed at when we went to Disneyland. Because it was the best night of sleep you’ve had in a really long time.
So, ten and a half years later, we went to the mattress store again.
Very, very different people.
And HOLY MOLY. When you aren’t young, firm, dumb 21 year olds just looking to buy whatever…mattresses are EXPENSIVE.
TRAUMAAAAAA.
I still haven’t recovered from the shock.
In fact, I made us come home without buying anything. And then I slept in our bed again. And we went back the next day.
But the trauma continued. Because we decided to upgrade from the Queen size we could barely sandwich into that teeny itty bitty 500 square foot one bedroom apartment…and go baller status to the California King. I mean, you’re spending the money anyway, right?
Besides, Saturday mornings with four kids piled on the bed is a mishmash of arms and legs and dangerously sharp elbows and knobby knees every which way with protests of “she’s in my spot!” and “but there’s no room for me!” and “he’s TOUCHING me!”
But you know what happens when you buy a bigger mattress?
You also gotta buy a new mattress pad, and comforter, and sheets, and blankets, and even a new bed skirt. My homemade headboard is even too small now.
TRAUMAAAAA.
I knew this would be part of the process when we decided to go bigger, but it didn’t make the shopping any easier.
At several stores, I saw sheets labeled Microfiber. Hmmm…I’d never heard of microfiber sheets.
There was no thread count listed. That’s weird…
I unzipped the package…ooooohhhhhhh….they were SOFT. So soft.
And wait for it…$24.99 for Cal King size!
I didn’t know why on earth these deliciously soft sheets were a fraction of the price of even low thread count sets, but I bought them anyway. Because I was still traumatized by this whole new mattress/bedding/EVERYTHING adventure.
Dumb, dumb, dumb ten years older self.
I was so excited to sleep in our new bed the first night. I crawled in eagerly.
It was DIVINE.
Until…a few hours later when I woke up HOT.
Not just normal temperature hot…but a weird, stuffy, I can’t breathe, I feel like I’m suffocating kind of hot.
I pulled one leg out from under the covers…immediate relief. But then I was too cold. Went back under.
Wait, I’m dying of stuffy hotness. What the heck?
I was up. all. night. long.
I couldn’t sleep from the weird, stuffy, hot, I can’t breathe feeling.
After laying there for hours, I finally grabbed my phone at 3 am and googled “Microfiber sheets”.
Oh friends.
You know why there is no thread count listed on the package?
You know why they are so stinking cheap?
BECAUSE THEY ARE POLYESTER.
Not cotton. NOT cotton. THEY ARE NOT COTTON, PEOPLE!!!!
And you know a funny little fact about Polyester?
It doesn’t BREATHE.
It was like trying to sleep in a cheap Halloween costume.
You know the kind you buy at the Halloween store in the plastic bag for $20?
Imagine sleeping in a cheap Halloween costume of a Snuggie.
Or your grandma’s pantsuit from the 60’s.
DYING.
I pulled those dang sheets off and returned the set I thankfully hadn’t washed yet.
And bought COTTON sheets.
Sheets that were on clearance at Target. Not the high thread count I’m usually snobby about. NOR ARE THEY EVEN WHITE!!!!
But I’ll upgrade in a few months. Or ask for nice sheets for my birthday or something. Or maybe Restoration Hardware will sponsor my blog and give me sheets in exchange.
A girl can dream.
Learn from me friends: mattresses are expensive. And microfiber sheets are a SHAM.
(Now I know some of you will comment and tell me “Jeannett! We have microfiber sheets and we just love them!” And I say to you: I am jealous. Because I wish I could love $25 sheets. But apparently I’m too high maintenance for that.)
(Also, I had a class in college where the professor told us that she will only wear 100% cotton clothing because the synthetic fibers of polyester and the like don’t catch on fire…but MELT onto your body…and cause the worst burns. All I could think of was our sheets melting onto our entire bodies like a less delicious version of fondant. Although fondant is gross, so that’s not hard to do. You know what I mean. But basically, even if I didn’t sweat like a hog in the microfiber, I probably would have just been up all night from the horror movie playing in my mind. Double whammy.)
Happy Monday.
I hope you don’t need a new bed.
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Dying laughing! Luckily newly married me loved my mattress 7 years ago and still do.
Jealous.
We bought a new mattress 2 years ago. We thought it was a good one and at a decent price. Within a yr it was caving in, I mean literally caving in. Dumb us didn’t think we needed to buy a mattress protector. I remember my husband even making the joke that he didn’t pee in the bed anymore when the sales guy was urging us to buy one. And because of that choice, our warranty was null. So 2 years later we were buying a new mattress. So far the new one is doing ok. Not my dream matress, but it sure does beat the last one. And you better believe we got a mattress protector this time.
Yeah, we totally bought one. There was NO WAY I was going to forfeit that warranty. Too many horror stories. Booooo.
Oh, Jeannett. The humor, the honesty…always a great way to start the day by reading your blogs. And I have to say, even the ones that make me cry, are a good read. LOVED your video for the Epilepsy Foundation. Such beautiful blue eyes. Anyway, thanks for the message about the sheets. Never thought of that. Maybe that’s why I’m always so hot and sticking my leg in and out every night. I’ll have to check, but I think Dan might have bought those or our mattress is micorfiber, but something HAS to be since I feel the same way at night. love you
You’re too funny! But, I wish you had issued this public service announcement about a year ago before I experienced the exact same thing. No microfiber anything ever again!!! :)
Bummer! BUT…I’m glad I’m not just crazy! They’re terrible!
My hubby and I just bought a new mattress as a Christmas gift to each other. After 8 1/2 years of living together sleeping on the double mattress my parent’s bought me for my 16th birthday… it was time! It did take some time to get used to the new mattress/new pillow combo. I bought cotton flannel sheets and I love them but my husband thinks they’re too hot. So I’m in the market for a cotton set now, and looking for clearance set with a good thread count.
You just described my husbands’ worst nightmare. Bad, hot sheets- ick.
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We use microfiber sheets only on the bottom. we buy separate fitted and top and will spend a little more for a good top sheet and enjoy the comfort of the microfiber…we’re weird I’m sure. We also enjoy the jersey sheets.
Totally weird. ;) Kidding. I thought about trying jersey since those are also cheaper…but I’m afraid I’ll hate them…and you can’t exactly return them once you’ve slept on them.
You totally crack me up! I made the same mistake with some sheets for my kids beds last summer! Three full sets, of microfiber sheets for under $40. Score!! Until I check them before bed, and they are all wet through with sweat! Needless to say the local charity store did well the next day! Hope your new mattress serves you well. Enjoy!
You are too funny! Love this post. And I can share in your buying pain. We have a so-so hand me down mattress, and when we travel and sleep on an awesome mattress we start to dream of a new one. But then we don’t. Maybe someday…..
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I so feel your pain about the cost of a new king-sized bed! I decided at 39 and pregnant with baby #3 I was way overdue to lose the queen bed I had gotten for my 16th birthday. Instill don’t have a dust ruffle or a headboard, because its an investment I can’t swing yet. It’s so ugly I have to keep the lights off in my room. But… Dang, I sleep good in it!
Yeah, you TOTALLY deserved a new bed! Maybe try eBay for the skirt?
There is nothing worse than getting hot and sweaty in bed. Well. From just laying there trying to go to sleep, I mean. // I learned to sleep without a top sheet when I was in high school and we lived in Germany. We just slept with duvets. They are a pain to take the cover off to wash, but making the bed is so very easy. // Have a good week & thanks for the PSA!
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OMG… We just did the same thing 2 months ago after 9 1/2 years…very upset over price… very much needing a different mattress (though we went from plush to firm)…queen to cal king… and ended up with microfiber at the store too. So crazy! My other gripe with those sheets is that mine were “shedding” off little fuzzies from the sheets. And I totally forgot how many pieces we’d “need” for a new sized bed…. still no bedskirt here! I will be willing Restoration Hardware to sponsor new gear for you and a giveway for me to enter! LOL! But all-in-all… excited for you to have a new bed! Congrats :)
Okay, that is too funny! If it makes you feel any better, the bed skirt I did buy is so terribly cheap that it looks like it’s made out of paper napkins. It’s practically see through! So, it’s going back and my bed will be naked until I can get something nicer/more expensive. Grrrr…
This is a funny post. You live and learn eh?
I got a good chuckle out of that one. We bought Miss A a big bed (full) last summer. I was prepared for it, but my 40-year-old husband has never bought a new bed. Ever. He about fell over at the price tag, which was the same price I paid from the same store for a full sized bed 15 years ago. He’s gonna flip when we replace our ancient Cal King.
Microfiber. All I can say is google google google before you buy.
Best,
Caryl
PS Nice new banner!
You poor thing and your bed/linen drama – it is the one thing I spend oodles of amount of money on, the best bed I can buy and 100% cotton high thread count sheets. You spend so much time in bed, might as well make it a delightful experience.
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Jeannett,
You’re awesome.
The end.
P.S. We upgraded to a king last year and bought the organic sheets from Target. Love them. But they do wear faster. And kinda pill. Oh well. Like you said, my budget had had enough by that point.
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Jeannett, this is hilarious – although I feel your pain! We also got sticker shock when we upgraded from our tiny double to a super king after we got married – got so confused with all the options of firmness and springs and memory foam and tufting…. eventually (after lots of research) we got a great deal. I love coming home from holiday so I can sleep in my bed!
I’m pretty sure we have cotton sheets, but we have one set that we got as a wedding gift that are much nicer to sleep on than the others, maybe they are 100% cotton, who knows!
We just bought a king a few months ago and we were shocked at the prices too. I think we only paid a few hundred bucks for our shabby little queen that we had for 10 years. We’ve had trouble finding sheets as well, although we DID score some good ones at TJ Maxx – and I ended up finding some at Costco that are our favorites. All cotton – and $29 for a set! They were all paisley in pattern though, so I don’t know if that will appeal to your white obsession :)
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Thanks for the micro fiber warning, I almost bought some Christmas ones this week at target for my son, but wanted to wait for the price to drop again! Dodged that bullet. So regarding beds?? four words. Select. Comfort. Sleep. Number. – I on a stroke of BRILLIANT what ever fell in love with the select comfort beds before we got married. The whole 20 year warranty thing, and we both get to pick the firmness? (I like soft hubby likes firm.) SOLD. We of course were poor newly weds, so slept on twin beds on the floor pushed together until we could save up for the 800 for the classic model in queen. Well that bed lasted us over 12 years. It was in fine shape, we never had to flip it. We just had to overlook that the motor was loud when we blew it up. Then, we had a baby. after spending like 6 to 9 months sleeping on the EDGE of the bed, I threw up my hands and said KING SIZE BED! What did we buy? Another sleep number bed! and we LOVE it. Another 20 year warranty, and It’s great for my back which I have to have firm some nights, and when I am feeling good its nice and soft. We too then had to purchase all new bedding. So far we don’t have much, I think for the price ikea has some pretty nice sheets. Last month we had to buy a twin bed for my son. 200 for a twin?? What the heck? Thank goodness for ikea! If you ever have to buy a new bed and your married though? Select. Comfort. Sleep. Number. all. the. way. (PS we gave the queen to my parents where they used it for 3 years, then gave it back to us. And now we are using the insides for camping air mattress! it just keeps giving. BEST camping sleeping EVER!)
We bought a mattress when I was pregnant with my second baby. Like 9 months. Which is about he equivalent of newlywed-I’m-just-trying-to-be-agreeable mattress buying. I remember the sales guy asking me if the mattress was comfortable and I laughed out loud, because seriously, comfortable at 9 months pregnant? He had obviously never been pregnant.
Totally didn’t read the use http thing till I clicked. And it’s late. :)
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This may be the funniest post I have read in a LONG time.
Dyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyying!!! This post is so ironic because my husband and I are in the midst of buying new bedding and I’m just suffocating at the fact that decent sheet sets are $75 (ON SALE!). It absolutely is killing me and I did find a microfiber pair that were soft, but then I noticed the polyester part and I refused to buy them. I just knew that wasn’t good if they were not cotton and my husband thought we should give them a try. After reading your post… I’m glad we didn’t. The great bedding hunt continues. Sigh…
Thankyou! Just bought microsuede sheets and thought I should google them to make sure they weren’t hot like hubby suggested. I hate that he is right, and I have to tell him so, but I’m glad I found this blog before I opened them. It is a shame because they were the most beautiful teal blue to match my trailer. We need a new bed too, but I’m dreading buying one. I hope your new bed is wonderful!
Thanks for this post! It was exactly what I needed to hear as I pondered the possibility of microfiber sheets.
Irony: it’s 3am. We just replaced our bed and hubby picked up microfiber sheets at Wally World. I just woke up sweatin like a pig, reaches for my phone, and read this first. They are coming off the bed.
36 weeks preggo with #3, heartburn, backache, and now microfiber….. Bahhhhhhh!!
I just purchased ‘polyester microfiber’ sheets and had to google to see what was up since they were soft & cheap. You came up and THANKS for making a hilarious and informative blog on them :) Cheers!
I got a new bed as a gift last month and told the giver that I would NOT accept a polyester bed. Back in the last century (1990) I bought a twin size futon bed, unfinished pine frame, cotton cover, cotton stuffing. It was so comfy when I got it, but now I can’t sleep on it anymore. It makes my body hurt.
My new bed is covered in the new bamboo fabric and was custom built, the whole set (full size) a frame, box spring, mattress $430.24 DELIVERED to my address. I no longer live anywhere near IKEA so finding 100% cotton sheets is a challenge. I DO live near a Tar-zhay and they have a line of cotton sheets called “Shabby Chic” that are spendy.
I need to get a BIG blanket now to go on my new bed and just about all I can find is that new stuff “microfiber” and I STILL don’t want polyester in my bed. I already have sleep issues without adding polyester to the mix….