A few days ago, Andy reached under the bed and pulled out the box stuffed with newspapers and magazines he’s collected over the years.
Whenever a huge event happens, he buys the LA Times, Wall Street Journal, etc. with the headlines splayed across the front and saves them.
“So that my kids won’t have to look in history books. They’ll see it real, how it really was.”
(Mind you, we didn’t have kids, nor were we even married 10 years ago.)
Monday night we had all been hanging out, doing the usual bedtime routine, Loud and Silly being the general theme for our evenings.
Nelle, Henry and I were goofing around on our bed when Andy tossed this stack next to us.
Immediate silence.
Even Henry was instantly quieted.
So we sat.
Flipping through the pages. Emotions raw. Photographs capturing the horror of those early days when no one knew what on earth was going on or what it meant for the future.
Lumps in everyone’s throat. Tears close.
I was angry.
I hate this kind of thing. It hurts too much.
Here we were, having this great cuddling/tickling fest on the bed at the end of a long evening and you had to go be a kill joy!
I don’t want to look at these pictures! I don’t want to relive these moments! I don’t want to remember what it felt like.
Because I was feeling it all again.
I’ve been dreading the 10th anniversary for weeks now.
I was angry at Andy. After all, we had talked earlier about someone doing a Coldstone’s run. Now, ice cream was unappetizing and inappropriate.
I fought back the urge to yell at him. “Why would you do this? Why tonight? We have 6 more days to deal with this crap!”
I knew I was going to have nightmares.
I can’t watch the evening news before bed or I’ll have horrible dreams all night.
I hold onto things. It’s not healthy.
So the last thing I wanted to do right before bed was answer my boy’s questions:
“But Mommy, why did the planes go into the building?”
I finally put my magazine down and prayed silently.
And was ashamed.
Here I was…downright PISSED OFF that my evening had been ruined. The silly laughing, the caloric indulgence…stopped in its tracks…not to be recovered.
When I remembered: These people. These faces. These stories. ARE REAL.
This isn’t the overactive imagination of a Hollywood director with an oversized budget.
This really, truly, actually happened to these people.
They deserve to be remembered.
If nothing else, they deserve it.
And how can I possibly not want to be sad…how can I wish we put those photos right back in that under the bed box…when families today are doing bedtime without Mommy or Daddy.
And have been for the last ten years.
Their lives need to be a part of my life.
In some way.
I can’t change the past. I can’t make it all better.
But I can’t imagine how insulting it would be to a family directly affected by the events of 9/11 to know that I refused to give them the respect of my evening because I had really wanted to eat ice cream.
So today…on this hard, hard day for our country…when the impulse may be to turn off the TV, close the newspaper…allow yourself to remember.
I’m not saying you torture yourself with 24 hour exposure. But pay respect where respect is due.
And most importantly:
Let’s do something nice for someone today.
Buy the guy’s coffee in front of you. Pick up the lady eating alone’s meal at the restaurant. Bake some cupcakes and take them to a neighbor. Clip roses and deliver them to the old lady down the street. Simple. Deliberate.
Let’s go out of our way…step out of our comfort zone…and be deliberately kind today.
It won’t change the world. It won’t erase the past. But every single one of us is hurting today. Every single one of us is heavy hearted today. It never hurts to spread Christ’s love. Ever.
I’d love to hear what you’re planning on doing.
Latest posts by jeannett (see all)
- Dirt in a Jar, Laundry Scientists, and Clean Water - October 20, 2015
- Because Cake. - October 11, 2015
- How to design a luxury bathroom for less - August 12, 2015
Reading this gave me tears. There have been programs on TV all week here in NZ about 9/11 and the stories of survivors and people who have lost someone special. I hate things like this too, I hate seeing so many hearts broken, I hate that this has happened. I will be doing something kind tomorrow, which is Sept 12th here (and our daughter’s birthday) but Sept 11th for you. I will pass on love and kindness and remember all those lost and send thoughts and love to all of their family and friends. Love, thoughts, and strength to all of America on this day.
I drove through NYC last night and the reminders were everywhere. The two beams of light that stretch infinitely into the night sky, the new Freedom tower lit up in red white and blue, and the increased security and police presence around the Bridges. We talked about where we were and what we were doing. People we knew who were caught in the thick of it, who died that day. How my husband (then bf) lost his job a month prior (he worked 2 blocks away and used the subway underneath the WTC) and by only that saving grace was not killed that day. How life has changed. How we wonder if the rest of the country or even the world feels it as deeply as we do. Recently, the TV show Rescue Me ended with honoring the firefighters who died. One of whom was my neighbor that they mentioned by name. Thank you for remembering us New Yorkers who are still deeply hurt by this. I hope from now on we can look forward instead of backwards. This is my fb status for the day:
“Though we can never forget what happened on this day, I’d like to see today be observed not for the horrible tragedy that happened 10 yrs ago, but as a reminder of the spirit of hope, freedom, brotherhood, bravery and humanity that unites us all as citizens of the USA even in our darkest hour.”
This post resonated SO much with me. Thank you for sharing your feelings, and allowing your vulnerability to come through your words.
I was a senior in college when 9/11 happened. A small, private, Christian college that had one TV on a campus of 5,000. I didn’t see media coverage of that day until I went home in December, so you can imagine how skewed my personal experience to the tragic day has been going forward…so today, the anniversary, I’ve struggled.
But your post, in a way, gave me permission to just feel how I feel, knowing as long as I remember, and honor, it is enough.
Thank you.