Willing My Heart to Pour – Beth Anne {infant loss/miscarriage}

If you are new here today, this post is a part of a series on the topic of infant loss/miscarriage.  Every Monday for the next three months, you’ll find another beautiful blogger lending her voice and peeling back the scab that is still tender and healing.

She does it to help with the healing of others.  To show that they aren’t alone in this awful Club of Loss.  But it’s a club filled with amazing women who have navigated the unfathomable and lived not only to tell about it, but to Glorify through it.  It’s really a humbling experience to be a part of.

Beth Anne, or “Blair” as she writes in her blog, Heir to Blair, is awesome.  We were Twitter friends.

Yes, I realize how completely lame that sounds.  Get over it.  Anyway, now we’re not Twitter friends.  We’re Blissdom Buddies.  Like Bosom Buddies, except with real bosoms.

For those of you who may not know, I just wanted to say that Beth Anne is TALL.  And blonde.  Which means that I should probably shoot daggers out of my eyes in her direction.  Except that she’s really nice.  And really funny.  And really sweet.  So the daggers stay hidden for now.  ;)

I love how she describes herself: “A sweet Southern girl. Married 4+ years to a devilishly handsome man. Harrison est. October 14, 2009. Miscarriage survivor. Beating postpartum depression. Working mom that drinks entirely too much caffeine. Over-sharing extraordinaire. Hates celery & liars. Loves chocolate chip cookies & to-do lists. “Blair” is my pen name.”

The following are her words:

* * * *

Night after night, I sat down to my journal with a cup of tea, willing the words to come.  Willing my heart to pour hope & grace onto the page as I spoke of the baby I lost.  I wrote several drafts, only to scratch them out.  I felt tongue-tied & humbled.

As I read back through my archives, this post struck a chord.  In every way, it shows the absolute frustration I felt after my miscarriage.  The utter heartbreak that shown through the “small” moments in life, bringing me to my knees in pain.  Weeks & months & now even years after losing my first baby, I can still feel the sting of the miscarriage.  It’s something that stays with me in the deep recesses of my heart, tucked away from anyone who could not possibly understand what it’s like to miss a child that you never knew.

As the days crawled by, my body did eventually heal.  It physically moved & shaped to both accommodate pregnancy & “normal” life.  Thankfully, my heart was able to heal past the hurt & frustration into simply being thankful for the little life we lost, knowing that someday, we will know him or her.  For just as God knows the hairs on my head & the plans He has for me, I trust that this little life was not in vain.

 

_____________________________________________________

 

December 4, 2008

I cried in a dressing room yesterday.

The Momma & I played hookie yesterday to decorate her house & Christmas shop — a tradition we began 13 years ago (& we’ve never skipped a year). The majority of the day was a blast — lattes at Starbucks, singing Christmas carols while we hung garlands & put out her Santa collection. Neither of us had begun Christmas shopping, so we took a few hours at the mall, where The Momma explained that she really needed me to pick out a few things for myself.

So we stopped into a few of my favorite stores. I bit my lip in Ann Taylor Loft — last time I was in there, I was looking for maternity jeans (to no avail). We moved into Talbots & I couldn’t get in the spirit. I felt listless looking through a stack of sweaters. It just felt…wrong. I grabbed a few skirts & went into the dressing room to try them on. They were all tight in the waist. I stared in confusion in the mirror…I’ve dropped the 3 lbs I gained with Harpie. Why on earth would it not fit?  & then it hit me — my waist hasn’t shrunk back yet. My body spent 3 months preparing for a baby belly that never came.

And the tears pricked my eyes. I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t be shopping for regular clothes. I already bought my wardrobe for this winter — at Gap Maternity. Now I can’t wear maternity clothes. But I can’t fit into my regular clothes yet, either.  & I have NOTHING to show for it. NOTHING. I sat in the dressing room, biting my lips & choking back sobs. Why do the weirdest things trigger the loss? Why on earth did a too-tight navy skirt practically bring me to my knees in pain & anger?

Three months of nausea, heartburn, exhaustion, elation, pure happiness…with nothing to show for it.  & to get the baby I want, I have to go back & do it all over again. Sweet Jesus, I’ve been down the 1st Tri road. I was almost done. Now I am back at square one. That is what frustrates me the most.

* * * *

If you are new here, the next thing you should know is that in addition to hearing the stories of other women who have gone through this, we all band together and show our support and encouragement by raising funds to benefit the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Foundation.  NILMDTS is a non-profit that provides professional portraiture to grieving parents in the NICU/PICU. Read more here.

(source)

The beautiful photography is free to families, but not free to run.

Please don’t feel overwhelmed by the thought of giving.  Please know that any amount when added to the amounts of others is powerful.

If you can give even $1, please consider giving through the ChipIn widget below.  All donations go directly to NILMDTS and not one cent is taken by me (Jeannett) or this site.

Honor a loved one in your life.  Encourage a mama’s heart.  It’s a good thing.


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jeannett
I'm a mom to four. A wife to one. I believe in story. I love telling you about mine and would love to hear yours. There's really no sense in wasting our suffering and not sharing in each other's joy. We're all in this together...even if it doesn't always feel like it.
jeannett
jeannett

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Comments

  1. 1

    Thank you for giving a platform for women to share their stories. Thank you also to Beth Anne for pouring her heart out and sharing a page out of her life story. Your words are raw, and I know they will resonate with many who have suffered similar loss. You are a lovely woman with a sweet spirit, and while the loss and recovery process have given you wounds that may endure, you are so much more beautiful because of them. Your capacity for compassion, and willingness to be real is a testament to that.
    Frelle´s last blog post ..never forget

  2. 2

    I’ve been following Beth Anne (or Blair, ha!) since she first got pregnant with Harpie. We were both due in June. The day after she miscarried sweet Harpie, I found out we had miscarried our little Peanut. Reading her blog (and yes, this post) helped me more than almost anything else. I’m so thankful for her. She was able to process and talk about the emotions that left me clueless and crying. I was able to laugh with her, and not feel so alone, when she talked about losing an organ in the shower (go look it up. It’s both hilarious and sad at the same time).

    We both got pregnant again, and she was due with Harrison at the beginning of October, I was due with my daughter Keevia at the beginning of November. Thanks to Harrison being oh-so-comfy and Keevia being impatient, our kids are actually only about 2 weeks apart. I’m so thankful to have someone so hilarious blogging about the life of toddlers.

    But I follow her blog because of her miscarriage. Is that sad? But because she helped me when no one else could, and she doesn’t even know my name.

    http://rows4remembrance.blogspot.com — a miscarriage and pregnancy loss ministry I’ve started. I would love to have visitors.
    Shaina N´s last blog post ..WINNER- WINNER- Chicken Dinner!

  3. 5

    I’m crying. I’ve never read this post of yours. I understand how the little things bring a rushing of memories. Thank you and sorry I couldn’t comment more eloquently.

  4. 6

    I’m so glad to have been pointed to such a wonderful website by one of my fave bloggers!

    I remember going through and reading all of Blair’s posts about her miscarriage. I needed to “catch up” as I only started reading her blog after she was pregnant with Harrison.

    I cried the entire time I read her posts. Hers was the first blog I had read that captured the true emotions of what a miscarriage can do to a woman. But it certainly would not be the last. I have learned so much about miscarriage and infant loss from blogs I read. I guess in a way, it is both fortunate and unfortunate that they write about these things.

    I have never known the pain of losing a baby or child. But I know a little bit more about what to say and what not to say because of those who are brave enough to write about it.

    Thank you for what you’re doing. NILMDTS gives such an amazing gift in the face of such unimaginable pain.
    molly´s last blog post ..Kicking Off – Make a Change Monday!

  5. 7

    What a beautiful organization. I’ve been following Blair for some time now, and I think she’s fantastic. When I get done reading all the “super mom” blogs that make me feel like crawling under a rock so no one sees my failures, I come to Blair for a dose of reality and understanding.

  6. 8

    I think it is so amazing and brave to write about miscarriage. I used to feel like I had to suppress my emotions and pain… like people wouldn’t get that a miscarriage IS the death of my baby. Thank you so much to Beth Anne and Jeannette for helping to make talking about our grief “ok.”
    Mari´s last blog post ..What Does March Look Like in Ohio

  7. 9

    I love Beth Anne. I love this post. I love NILMDTS. They touched my life in so many ways when we were in the hospital with our Olivia. We even hired our NILMDTS as our engagement and wedding photographer after we saw the beautiful work she did on Olivia’s photos, and I hope that one day we will be able to call her to ask if she can do newborn photos for a newborn who is NOT dying.

  8. 10

    Have gone through four miscarriages myself, have never heard of NILMDTS until now – think it is an amazing and beautiful thing! I actually just stumbled across Beth Anne’s blog today from another blogger which brought me here – I’m glad that I was brought here today.
    Kat´s last blog post ..Bamboopink

  9. 11

    What an amazing site. After experiencing a stillbirth in 2008 I felt so alone. No one I knew had gone through anything like that & I felt like no one understood what we were going through. Even my husband’s family acted weird when we mentioned Aubrey’s name. I have since given birth to Macy my sweet 8 month & last baby. Not only do women need support after a loss but in subsequent pregnancies. Enjoying pregnancy is never the same after a loss. Unfortunately you know that pregnancy does not always end with a baby in your arms. Even after 2.5 years & a healthy baby I still think about Aubrey everyday & almost always cry if I talk about her. Thank you Beth Ann for sharing your story & for telling us about this site!

  10. 12

    Thanks for sharing your story. Your experience. Grief is so crazy like that – just pops up in dressing rooms and weird places like that.
    Wendy Hagen´s last blog post ..Banshee the Cat

  11. 13

    This is amazing. What a wonderful site. I did not miscarry my first child but my third surprise baby. In fact if I had not I would be nesting right about now getting reading to give birth in a few short weeks. I don’t know why it happened after having 2 successful pregnancies. I think about her all the time. I call her a her because when I told my hubs about our “surprise” he said well here is your baby girl (we have 2 boys). It doesn’t matter what child it is- it’s just as hard. I understand I sometimes think it’s been 16 mos since Caleb was born my body should be back to normal but then I remember my baby I lost. Blair I love you and I’ve never even met you but your words help always.

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