Yesterday I was in a funk.
Punchy.
Irritable.
Easily annoyed.
Blissdom was a great distraction.
A nice getaway.
But yesterday it sunk it:
I’m still one baby short.
It wasn’t a bad dream.
It’s real and it will never go away.
And I’m angry.
Really angry.
But it’s not for me to understand.
Only for me to accept with grace and thanksgiving.
Even in the ugly places.
And as I scanned my memory card for pictures from the conference, I found these files from the week before.
A brother and sister. Best friends.
Playing together. Always.
Laughing. Being silly. Wearing a helmet.
A tiny blonde supervisor. With a fountain atop her head.
Soft serve ice cream. Just because.
Somedays ruining your dinner is just worth it.
Sticky fingers and soaked shirts are just part of this messy thing called Life.
Racing up the slides. No matter how often mama yells that you only go DOWN the slides. It’s just what you do.
Blades of grass tickling baby toes. A breeze wafting through the delicate hair.
And these photos make me simultaneously smile and well up.
Because I am blessed beyond measure.
These three goofballs color my world in a way I didn’t know possible.
But all the fun and laughter and love…and fighting and screaming…makes me pine for the little bean that didn’t quite make it.
And I will forever wonder what silly little personality our family is missing out on.
Someday we’ll find out.
Someday we’ll all hang out.
Someday.
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Good for you! Seeing the postive and the good in your life is the best way to heal. And yes someday we can all meet our babies that didn’t quite make it.
stephanie´s last blog post ..Meet Micah
I really don’t know what to say except that my heart is very heavy for you. It STINKS that you are one baby short. Keeping you in my thoughts.
Shirley L´s last blog post ..What’s For Dinner!
You have three beautiful children! :) Praying for you daily! :) Oh, and I’m a little jealous because *I* wish we had weather in January where my little could wear tank tops! But, instead, we had an ice and snow storm yesterday. ;0)
Katie´s last blog post ..Saving Grace
Feel it. Move slowly. Grieve how you need. Don’t let anyone tell you how fast you should move on or how to do it.
Mari´s last blog post ..Italian-esque Wedding Soup
:::Hugs:::
Love this post….makes me smile. Especially the end. Someday you will all be together. I think sometimes that helps, knowing there will be a “someday.” ((hugs))
Alissa´s last blog post ..Thank you- my friends
Oh my goodness…the protective glasses, the dripping ice cream, the I love you sucking fingers (I did that…for far too long, umm anyways) so stinking adorable! Praying for your heart sweet lady!
Ya know I read once that if we all put our troubles in a pile with everyone else’s we would all end up still picking our own from the pile.
The journey of life will lead you back to the lost one.
Keep your chin up…..
So sorry you are missing one babe, I am too and it stinks. It gets better though, promise. I lost mine before I had any, I think it was sorta easier that way…not knowing exactly what I was missing. It’s nice to see a lovely post about your goofy kids though, I miss those terribly because that is what brought me here long ago while I was carrying my two sweet girls. Funny that they love the goggles, mine have them and adore them too. LOve how Henry and Lucy play together so well with sweet little Jill supervising the whole thing…lol.
what sweet pictures of your babies. i know you will have such joy in your children here on earth and such joy for the day when you meet your precious baby in heaven. our hope is in Him.
This hurt my hear to read. There is nothing that could ever say that can make it better. *hugs* I have walked this road more than once and all I can offer you is tears of understanding.
Rebekah C´s last blog post ..Please Watch Your Language- A Plea for Compassion
I kept waiting to see a picture of the kids going down the slide face first. My daughter thought that would be super fun… until she did it. Heh. Is it wrong to laugh?
Hugs & besos,
Caryl
Precious.
Life is precious. Your sweet little ones are precious.
You are precious.
Ruthanne´s last blog post ..Imma Guest Postin’
My eyes are welling up for you. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your outlook, the beauty you find even while you grieve. And please…allow yourself to grieve!
Janelle´s last blog post ..A Little Pick Me Up Please!
I am just getting caught up on SO much here. My heart is breaking for your recent loss :(. I miscarried once before I had my son Jet and it about undid me. I remember thinking “how do people survive this?” The shock, hurt, anger and confusion I felt as to why it was all happening was overwhelming. It seems impossible that you can be so broken up about losing your baby when you’ve only known about them a short amount of time – but all it takes a minute – you know your little baby is inside you – and your deeply in love. I am so, so sorry. I was a complete mess – a roller coaster of emotions – I cried for weeks. I probably would have cried longer but I turned around and “surprise!” I was pregnant again. A whole new set of emotions on this journey called motherhood. I’m inspired by your openness and determination to keep the faith – and I will keep you in my prayers. :) And of course my eyes are tearing up in happiness over Cliffy! How wonderful! My thoughts go to him often as I pray for our own little Shea (who also has a family! Praise God!) so now I will pray for them both to be brought quickly home. :) You inspired me to help – it is because of you and Cliff that I found Shea – and now at least 2 little boys have families working to bring them home. How wonderful. Thank you. :)
What beautiful pictures. It’s amazing that we can look at our kids in such different way at different times – and it’s always what we need at that exact moment.
Lindsay´s last blog post ..My Wee Walker