i needed them to count.
i just wanted to know if this was twins or not again.
just count.
no big deal.
then the chatty ultrasound technician stopped being chatty.
she got serious.
i watched her swallow hard a few times.
she looked and looked.
yet said nothing.
i begged her to tell me something.
that i knew she wasn’t legally supposed to.
i promised i wouldn’t tell anyone.
tears streaming.
she explained that “sensitive situations” would be explained by my ob.
it was 5:30 by now.
no one would be at my doctor’s office to call me until morning.
i cried.
desparate. knowing that something was terribly wrong.
thankfully, my ob’s office did call later that night.
there was no heartbeat.
the baby had died two weeks earlier.
but my body didn’t know it.
i still had all the symptoms, my uterus was still growing, i was with child.
except that that child no longer lived inside me.
within 3 hours of my appointment, i began bleeding.
as if now that my brain knew, it told my body to let go.
i have many friends who have miscarried.
i have shed tears for them.
been heavy hearted for them.
but i had no idea.
the grief and mourning i am feeling is so deep.
i am shocked by my inability to hold it together.
i am surprised by how truly difficult this is.
i want nothing more than to stay in bed all day.
seeing my other children, and their *realness* is physically painful sometimes.
the ugly cry has made several appearances.
accompanied by silent tears throughout the day.
and night.
because the truth is that once you see that second pink line…
you set a place at the table for your baby.
vacations and trips are planned and unplanned.
bedroom assignments are discussed.
visions of laughing, playing and fighting.
no matter how small and how new, that baby has a place deeply entrenched in your family.
and i miss my baby.
deeply.
i had settled comfortably in my identity as a mother of four.
i know that i will hold it one day in heaven.
i know that Jesus is rocking him and singing him songs.
i believe that.
truly.
but i want to hold my august baby in august damnit.
i want to smell that sweet newborn smell and feel that soft skin in the warm summer sun.
not sometime in eternity.
and i am sad.
so so sad.
i had no idea.
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There are no words. Even though I have been in that same, dark place, it feels impossible to say anything. So please know that you are loved. Loved and cherished by many. (HUGS)
Gwen´s last blog post ..Whats in a Word
I am so, so sorry. All too many of us have had that experience – and wonder how it is possible to grieve something you’ve never seen or held…all my prayers are with you. (((hugs)))
I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.
I wish I had words that would help heal, but simply know that you are not alone. My heart breaks for you.
& tears rolled down my face at the line about setting a place at the table. Yes, yes, yes.
Blair@HeirtoBlair´s last blog post ..I keep giving but somehow find reserves
From my own experience, no words will provide the right comfort. I’ll be thinking of you.
Words cannot express how sorry I am.
Oh Jeanette…My heart is breaking for you.
After my textbook pregnancy with my son, I assumed it would always be that simple. When we became pregnant the 2nd time I figured all would progress in a normal way. I was devastated to learn at the ultrasound that there was no heartbeat. I was further surprised by how it was to deal with emotionally. I kept telling myself that my life had not changed, but that the idea of what my life in the future was going to be was what had changed and it didn’t help. I told myself that perhaps it was for the best. My OB had explained that it was most likely that there was something wrong with the baby and so I told myself that it was better to go through that heartache than further heartache down the road. It didn’t work.
I had a 2nd miscarriage a year later. Like your situation, my body thought it was still pregnant and showed no signs of miscarriage. That was the hardest part.
It hurts deep. I feel cheated of the ability to enjoy my pregnancy with the twins because I kept waiting for the “shoe to drop.”
BUT, I now view the miscarriages as part of the path to where we are. I look at my girls and know that they would not be here if not for the miscarriages and while I will always wonder about what might have been, I take great comfort in believing that everything does happen for a reason and is part of a bigger plan.
Hugs in the weeks ahead.
Jodi´s last blog post ..But- What Happens Next
I’m so sorry. I’ve had that ultrasound, I’ve walked that quiet walk back to the car. It’s awful. I’ll be praying for your family and for others to be sensitive to your grief.
I am so, so, deeply sorry for your loss. :( I wish there was something I could say to alleviate your sadness, because my heart hurts for you. Know that we are all here to hold you up… XOXO
Rachael´s last blog post ..Thankful Thursday- 1-20-11
Oh my goodness I am so, so sad for you. I don’t know what you are going through but you are so right about once you see that pink line. I have no words for you but please know that I am thinking of you and your baby.
Shirley L´s last blog post ..Oscar! You Rock My World!
Oh, I’m so sorry. I was done having children, had a tubual ligation when my youngest was 15 mos. and then became pregnant 4 years later. I never even knew I was pregnant until I was rushed to the hospital in the worst pain in my life. It was an ectopic pregnancy, I had surgery right away. The shock and sadness took my breath away. I’m so, so sorry.
May you be wrapped in God’s grace. Praying for you…
Shelly´s last blog post ..That Place
I pray God brings comfort and healing to your broken heart.
I’m here for you. I love you. I can’t wait to give you a big ol’ bear hug. Get ready now because it’s going to be huge. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Mique´s last blog post ..Pity Party 20
I have no words good enough. I am so, so sorry. I will pray for your strength and peace for your family.
Heather L.´s last blog post ..What I Know About Photography- An Introduction
I cried when this post, because I can’t imagine the pain you’re in right now. I’m so sorry. You’re in my prayers.
Antoinette
I’ve been sitting here for 10 minutes trying to figure out what to say. I have no words for you. I am praying for you…
Katie´s last blog post ..Snow Day!
Oh, how I wish I had words enough, but there are none. My heart is breaking for you. I am so, so sorry. And because there are no words I will just pray for you…and pray and pray. I hope you soon find peace.
Alison´s last blog post ..Time For Some Order
I am so sorry about your loss. I have no words of wisdom, but please know we are thinking about you and praying for you.
My prayers are with you!
Kelly´s last blog post ..Remember
I am so sorry. Lifting you up in prayers. There are no words to make this better. Hold tight to the precious gift our Savior Jesus Christ gave us. You will meet your child one day. What a glorious day that will be!
I am so, so sorry. I can’t say that I truly understand what you’re going through because it’s never happened to me, but if my imagination of what it might feel like is even a glimpse into your pain, my heart is broken for you and I will keep you and your entire family in my prayers.
Anna @ Take the Side Street´s last blog post ..Avert Your Eyes My Real Home
uggg. I know how much it sucks. I know how confusing it all is and i know how angry and hurt you are. There is nothing anyone can say to make it go away. But time will heal your heart. You’re in my thoughts…
I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
stephanie´s last blog post ..I know a secret
I’m so sorry for your loss. I too have lost a baby. Had them tell me that my baby’s head was flat. That there was no heartbeat. The void that is there…It’s hard to describe. I’m saying a prayer that you will get through this. And you will. It will take time, but you will. Hugs to you.
Praying for you and your family during this sad time.
No words can bring you the comfort you seek right now. I know exactly how it feels. You have to feel whatever you feel at the moment and let it out. Sometimes I thought I was going crazy and each time I went though this they were different. We don’t and won’t understand it this side of heaven. My MIL were talking one day and I told her that God would have some serious explaining to do when I get to heaven. She said that no he wouldn’t, that before I could ask that my children would be before me and that it would be resolved. Perfectly in his way. You said it perfectly, that you set a place for them at the table. Well my mom has a party of five in heaven with her. Just know that it will get better even though is seems right now it will never alright again.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family
You don’t know me, but I will be sending you prayers from across the country for God’s peace. Take the time you need to grieve for that sweet baby and your loss and know that God’s angels have increased by one. I am so sorry.
Anne´s last blog post ..Repost of Discoveries and Blogs
I am so so sorry for your loss.
Stephanie C.´s last blog post ..Wordless Wednesday
As someone else said, I know after my own experience, that really there are no right words. You will find that women will come out if the woodwork who have gone through this to kend support. Know that all the emotions you are feeling are okay: mourning, sadness, anger, fury, and eventually peace. Thinking of you!
Oh, honey, I am so sorry. My first baby went to heaven a year ago today. I just finished blogging about it when I read your post. Though no one will ever completely understand the pain you feel, know that you are not alone. If I’ve learned anything this past year, it is that God is faithful. I’m praying and grieving with you.
Lamentations 3
19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I too lost a baby. As many have said, there are no words to comfort you right now. Just take one day at a time. You will be blessed again soon.
I am so, so sorry for you.
I am so sorry. Words cannot express who sorry I am.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Julie´s last blog post ..Christmas present- Toddler Backpack
Lifting you and Andy up in prayer today! So, so sorry you are having to go through this!!
You were able to put into words what so many women have not been able to. I’m so sorry for your pain, Jeannett. Your grief and faith come through so powerfully in your writing. I just want to reach through my computer and give you a hug. Thankful that I can do that in real life.
Praying for you, Sister.
“anonymous” above is me.
And I’m still praying.
Oh, tears streaming. I am so deeply sorry. Praying that you would be held constantly in the days ahead…by both physical arms of those who love you, and our loving Creator.
I am so so sorry to read this. I really don’t know what to say but wanted to give you a hug in this very difficult time.
sweet Jeannett.. i’ve followed you blog for quite some time now.. since the last blogsugar.
i’ve come to adore your writing, your “transparency & authenticity” as you once put it.
my heart mourns for your loss, for your sweet little babe in Heaven with our sweet Jesus.
so much sweetness in one place.
i’m praying for you, for your husband and for your babies you do get to hold.
Oh, Sweet Jeannett, I am so sorry. So deeply sorry.
Oh Dearest Jeannett!
My heart is aching for you, Jeannett.
I’m praying for you, Sister.
Sarah´s last blog post ..Judging
Oh Jeannett I am so sory for your loss and for your family’s loss! I cannot imagine how you must feel, I wish I had words to help. Every life is precious whether we have held them or not, whether they were with us for 1 second or a lifetime!
My heart hurts for you friend. I don’t know what else to say except that I am sorry. Thinking about you tons and sending you lots of love <3
Aron´s last blog post ..Signs your coworker might be training for a marathon
I”m so sorry. I’ll be praying.
jacquelyn´s last blog post ..Perspective
No,No,No,NO! This should not be! I am so sorry for your loss Jeannett. Also for Andy, Henry, Lucy and Jill’s loss too. Praying the Lord will hold all of you close in the coming days.
i am so sorry.
I wish there were words that would make it better in any way. I’m so, so sorry. I’m praying for you & your sweet family.
Kelly´s last blog post ..Something To Do- The Bored Post-Surgery Mom Edition
I am so sorry. You are in my prayers.
I am praying for you. I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling right now. I don’t pretend to understand, but I have you covered in prayer.
Cry away. Get mad. Feel it all, and deeply. It is oh so necessary.
Rhonda Brand´s last blog post ..Goofy