You ever read a blog post and think to yourself:
“Blogger, you don’t *really* have to share everything. Some things you might want to keep to yourself. You know, because it makes you seem weird.”
This is one of those posts.
And yet, I keep typing.
Because either I have no shame or I’m a martyr willing to expose my crazy to the world in the name of transparency and authenticity…or whatever other word they throw around these days.
Or moreso, I just think it’s funny.
With every pregnancy I sign up for the email updates from BabyCenter.
I gave away all of my pregnancy what-to-expect-and-freak-out-about-every-bump-and-tingle books a few months back.
Even though this isn’t my first rodeo, following the progress of your babe is kinda fun…
So every week I get these emails that say something like:
“This week your baby has a tail like a frog and it really looks like an alien…oh and by the way, it’s the size of a sesame seed.”
And last week, I was eating myself a sesame seed bagel.
Like I always do.
And I said to Henry “Look! Mama’s baby in her tummy is so tiny…it’s the size of this seed!”
And then I took a bite of my bagel.
And almost puked.
I stopped mid chew.
Mouth gaping open.
Food exposed.
Frozen in horror.
MY BABY!!!
WHAT IF I JUST ATE MY BABY???!!!
It could be in there and I wouldn’t even KNOW it!!!
I could have mistaken my sweet fourth child for a sesame seed and eaten it like some wild animal in the heart of the jungle!
Don’t dogs do that? Eat their young? Gross! How do I explain to Andy that we won’t be having a baby…because I just ATE IT!!!???!!!
Maybe if I spit it out, I can find it again?!
I don’t want to BITE the baby!
Maybe this is still salvagable!
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE SURELY MY BABY FELL OUT OF MY BODY, LANDED ON THE BAGEL ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER AND I’M NOW EATING IT.
100 points for logic.
“Mommy, what’s wrong?”
Henry kinda snapped me out of my bizarre freak show moment and I replied “nothing” and started chewing.
Duh, Jeannett. Of COURSE you can’t just randomly eat your baby like that. Weirdo. Just eat your stinking breakfast and quit being so dang neurotic.
And I chewed.
And I finished my bagel.
My stomach churning and flipping and flopping with every swallow.
My nose in a semi permanent scrunch of disgust.
Forcing the bagel down my gullet like it was a brussel sprout or something equally vile.
Threatening to come right back up at any moment.
The good news?
I can eat sesame seed bagels in peace again.
Because this week my baby looks like a kidney bean.
Which means that beans of all kinds are off limits this week.
I really wish I was kidding.
I wish I could tell you that no, I’m not this silly and illogical.
I wish I could say that I’m piling it on for the sake of comic license.
Sadly, I’m not.
I really do have bizarre aversions to whatever food the good folks at BabyCenter have compared my babe to that week.
And I’ve done this every pregnancy.
This is just the first time I’ve said it out loud.
Step 1: Admitting you have a problem. You know, publicly.
In case you were wondering what random foods I won’t be enjoying in the coming weeks, BabyCenter has a fun slideshow with all the different foods they like to torture me with.
Oh, and I know some of you sweet souls will comment and say “Maybe you should just unsubscribe to those emails and then you won’t know.”
The only problem is that…
Well…that would be much too easy.
And logical.
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Can I just say I was cracking up at this? I hated those emails that related it to the size of food! With both my kiddos! They did make me not want to eat that food lol :) can’t they compare it to a paperclip or something?
oh my!!! I can relate… but my breakdown was realizing my baby may come out w/ black curly hair (like her dad) and people would think she was my best friend’s baby (b/c SHE has black curly hair) and not my baby. I literally cried over this, more.than.once.
Jodi´s last blog post ..Saturday
Have you SEEN Jill??? Talk about not looking a THING like your kid!!!
Isn’t it funny the things we obsess about as pregnant mothers? With my first pregnancy I prayed and prayed (and prayed) that the baby would have long eyelashes like his Daddy. My husband would say…don’t you think there are more important things to pray for? Easy for him to say, he has long, beautiful eyelashes. Fortunately, both of our sons did get their Daddy’s lashes. And they are both healthy :)
Oh, and yes, I was thinking…maybe she should just stop reading those updates.
Alison´s last blog post ..Its In The Bag
Can you imagine going up to a pregnant woman and learning that her unborn baby is the same size as a 5/16 counter sink drill bit or a tape measure?
jacquelyn´s last blog post ..Perspective
i love it! we all need a healthy dose of illogical in our lives.
hilarious. you’re not neurotic at all. i get you. 100% get you.
wait.
does that make me neurotic??
sigh.
if only that made me pregnant, too.
purejoy´s last blog post ..PINT… how ive missed you!
For both my kids I signed up for those emails. I save them in a folder each week. I don’t even read them, and when I do glance over, they are usually so inane or wrong about my kids that they annoy me. But I feel compelled to keep getting them and saving them as markers of some kind of recognition: “Yes, you were a mother this week to a 3-year-old and a 22-month-old and you SURVIVED!”
Jodi´s last blog post ..On Marriage
Oh my goodness, I am laughing so hard I’m crying:) Thanks for this post.
Danielle´s last blog post ..Strike a pose
R.I.D.I.C.U.L.O.U.S. And yet, hilarious, I love it!
Jenni Carlisle´s last blog post ..YOU did it!
*giggle* Oh, the pregnant crazy. I remember it well. Once, I went to light a stick of incense (I was in a bad mood and good smells make me feel better). Normally, I would light it at the stove as I had a gas stove and they are terribly convenient lighters.
So I marched my ass straight up to the kitchen sink, turned the water on and shoved the incense stick right in there and proceeded to get angry because it wasn’t lighting.
True story.
Rebekah C´s last blog post ..Circumcision- A Choice
When am I going to talk you into running a race? A short one? For a good cause? I will run it with you! ;)
Aron´s last blog post ..The Story of Bailey and Jasmine