“Cat’s outta the bag. Andy told a bunch of coworkers/clients. So I blogged it. evs. Let’s hope I didn’t just jinx myself. We told like 12 seconds after I peed on the stick both the other times…but somehow I’m more leery this time. Maybe because I know so many people who have miscarried and I feel like my number is up. Well, we’ll see.”
“As if telling people could alter God’s plans for your family, crazy girl. Pregnancy loss isn’t contagious.”
“You assume I am logical.”
That is a direct copy/paste from a series of emails with my pal Julie a few weeks ago. Crazy, right?
i think the worst is behind me, physically anyway.
i got my hair did friday and the girl asked me if i had kids and how many.
normal conversation.
do i blurt out, three and i’m literally miscarrying one as you cut my hair.
that would have been awkward.
and i didn’t want her screwing anything up.
so i didn’t.
but really, i am a mother to four. but only three are here. how do i answer that question for the rest of my life?
i went to target after my weave (okay, just a cut but someday i’m gonna get a weave just so i can say i got a weave) and i started hurting.
and at one point i texted julie that i thought my vagina had fallen out of my pants in the middle of aisle A17.
then i texted andy to let him know that he might want to wrap up whatever he was working on because i was starting to hurt pretty bad and i wanted him home with me, just in case.
“where are you?” “target” “of course, silly me…where else would you be?”
i got pretty white knuckled around the cart, but i kept going.
figured that being distracted would help.
i knew that going home to lay in bed would make me mope and dwell.
and surely it was pregnant lady and newborn day on parade because there must have been 300 pregos and 98 newborns in the store.
and i thought that would bother me.
instead i would just grin at them.
holding back the urge to give them a giant bear hug.
so so so happy that they didn’t have to go through this.
so excited that it all went as planned for them.
i just wanted to throw a little party for them right there in the towel aisle.
they probably thought i was insane.
this crazy lady alternating from a grimace to a wide grin.
taking sharp deep breaths while shopping for shampoo.
until i felt…gross. rushed to check out…got home to find my pants and the seat of my car soaked.
thank god for leather. too bad my pants weren’t leather too.
but if i wore leather pants i’d probably have fewer friends.
or at least different ones.
i wonder how many people noticed the crime scene in my pants and said nothing?
kinda embarrassing to think about.
good thing i don’t care.
so i holed up in my room…
laptop playing free episodes of Parenthood on Hulu.
iPad with Twitter running and email.
cell phone for texting with sweet friends.
i admit how pathetic that sounds.
but something to know about me: in times like these the LAST thing i want to do is talk to people. like, out loud. because half the time i’m crying. i can text and cry and no one has to know.
to be honest, i don’t even really want to talk to andy. i like to be left alone when it comes to stuff like this.
andy: “um, are you really going to hijack every piece of technology in the house all night?”
::raised eyebrow::
“okay, got it. it’s cool. i won’t bother you. i’ll come back and let you know when dinner’s ready.”
better.
i thought that the physical act of miscarrying would be an emotional warp…i thought it would mess me up good.
but it didn’t.
because really, this was just a technicality.
sort of the nature part.
i was totally fine.
but random stuff turns me into a snot nosed mess out of the blue.
pouring my second cup of coffee…because it meant i didn’t have to protect the baby inside me from too much caffeine.
unsubscribing from the stupid babycenter emails.
playing with my kids.
kissing jill’s sweet cheeks.
running my fingers through lucy’s crazy hair.
“i love you henry.” “i wuv you too mommy.”
*that’s* the stuff that kills me.
because it wasn’t long ago that they were teeny peanuts in my womb.
thinking that just a little more time and this baby would be here to hang out and play.
terrified of going to church today.
all the “i’m sorry’s”. all the hugs.
from sweet, sweet souls.
but it’s THAT kind of thing…all the “how are you?”s that bring out the tears in full force.
or the people who don’t know yet and ask how everything is going.
and i have to tell them.
mental note: wear waterproof mascara today. and take kleenex.
august 27th is going to be a really hard day.
really hard.
i’m dreading august like nothing i’ve ever dreaded before.
maybe i can find some tickets to hawaii in the cushions of my couch?
blissdom is just a few days away.
i’m looking forward to it.
i need girl time.
i need to get away.
i need to laugh. hard.
my roommates better come with some doozies in their back pocket, because i want the big belly laugh that makes you gasp for air.
i need my girls.
now more than ever.
and thank you to all of you. for the loving comments, the emails, cards in the mail, the supportive texts and phone calls, my sweet friends who have brought dinner the last three nights in a row. nelle and tess for taking care of my kids for hours while i locked myself in my room. my husband for taking such good care of me. you are all appreciated more than you know. it’s overwhelming, really. thank you.
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Beautifully written. So sorry for the circumstance. Thankful that you have God and family and wonderful friends to help you through this difficult time!
Heather L.´s last blog post ..SPA- Sweet-ie Potato Soup
Take me to blissdom and I will make you laugh! :P Hope ya have fun!
Megan´s last blog post ..Squeak its a Sneak
This is beautifully written. I cannot imagine what you are going through, because I too think of those thoughts you mentioned about the kids you already have & the fact that they were growing inside of you once as well. To fathom a life with out them.
My best friend miscarried with her very first pregnancy in October and it’s been a rough road for her. She took a long time to decide she was ready to start having kids & then this had to happen to her. I think it made her realize how much she really does want a child but it’s made her so bitter to the whole process of it all. She is afraid of it happening again and has turned making a baby into such a process (temperature tracking & all). For her I wish she’d just be able to let it happen & trust that when the time is right they will have a baby to call their own.
Thinking of you!
OK. get out of my head! obviously, read this after the emails. funny you want to go to Hawaii, that place is kind of ruined for me now :(. sorry we are going through this. but in a weird way, glad i’m not alone. i think God uses our valleys this way. we can better relate, encourage and lift each other up. as soon as we can talk without crying. miscarriages need to go far, far away and stay there. praying for you today… xxoo
The “I’m sorrys” and having to tell what seems like 1 million times was by far the hardest for me. I just wanted everyone to magically know and have zero awkwardness. I didn’t want everyone looking at me and feeling sorry for me.
I went back and forth between- everything is fine, stop looking at me that way to crying when I found out my twin nephews had been born only a week after. I was SO happy for my sil & bil for reals. But also so so so sad. Seeing them in the hospital almost broke my heart into two.
SO- I promise no awkwardness or funny looks. Except when you wear overalls with cow patches. Then all bets are off.
I’m using all my back pocket jokes in the form of karaoke. Because I love you that much.
Mique´s last blog post ..the “A word-” Take 3
This was an emotionl rollercoaster to read, but I love that you always keep your sense of humor. While I dreaded the due dates with both of my miscarriages the reality was that they came without fanfare. You’ll have lots of healing time between now and then. You’re a strong woman and you’ll be fine. But for now, mope, sob and freak people out all you want at Target. You are entitled.
Jodi´s last blog post ..Happy- UmmmJanuary 22nd
Thinking of you . . .
Shirley L´s last blog post ..Cabin Fever
So sorry for your loss. I, too, experienced a miscarriage – after telling EVERYONE. And it’s hard, no matter you tell people or not. Hang in there. Hug your babies. Laugh with them and be oh-so grateful you have them, as I know you are. Children are a blessing indeed. Sometimes it takes something like this to remind us of that. At least that’s how I felt.
Take care -prayers.
Lindsay´s last blog post ..Coloring PhD
Love to you today, Miss Jeannett.
Of course you would be smiling at those mothers in Target. You have SUCH a beautiful heart.
Are you sitting behind me right now as Pastor Tim is preaching about Paul’s friends? I am listening… Sort of. Thinking of you, praying for you this morning. I have 6 brothers and sisters waiting to meet me in Heaven. We are going to have amazing family reunions someday, arent we? Doesnt make it hurt any less in this world, I know, but sure gives you something to look forward to.
You can wear leather pants. I would still love you.
Of course, it came out anonymous. How many times has that happened? Who is creepy anonymous loving you in your leather pants??? That would be me. (Have I mentioned I’m Portuguese?)
I am so sorry! I don’t really know what else to say, except that you will be okay. It doesn’t feel like it now, but you will be! Sending hugs your way!
Brandi´s last blog post ..Busy Day!
God’s love and infinite peace on you; today, tomorrow, everyday! It will be later soon.
Still praying for you. Hope your friends do bring all their good stories, and that you can make a few new happy memories in the midst of this tragedy.
Emily´s last blog post ..Just a little update
Just found you a few days ago through the Nester but already feel connected. I will lift up many prayers for you! You seem very sweet. Hug your three very tight. Always makes me feel lighter in times of struggle…..
Enjoy the conference this week. Sounds like an awesome outlet for you right now and remember to:
learn to dance in the rain rather than waiting for the storm to pass……
been thinking about you all day. totally cracked up at the leather pants comment. and just for the record-if you let me wear skinny jeans, i’ll let you wear leather pants. i love you.
So sorry for your loss. It is hard but you will make it through and it will get easier. I wish I can say it goes away entirely but it doesn’t. 4 years later and I still wonder and have sad moments. Probably because I have no children and no one considers me a mother even though deep down I do, and know I have an angel in heaven. I still remember, my due date was Aug 30, so I went through it the same time of year as you did. We went on vacation that week. If you have the opportunity to do that I suggest you do. It will take your mind off of it a little. Hang in there, give some extra love to your kids and you will make it through.
Oh and in having to tell people it will be hard but let them help you through this. Not many people knew when I was pregnant and my husband and I went through it alone. I don’t recommend that.
HUgs hugs hugs and more hugs to you. You wrote what most people dare to express. In a simple yet eloquent and honest way. I really mean that. I am thinking of you and I know you are a strong woman. Take good care. And know a lot of people care about you.
Oh Jeannett, this post had me both laughing and crying. Really wishing I was going to Blissdom just to hang out with you–I would even buy you leather pants.
Brianna´s last blog post ..I want people to know
I would say I am so sorry, but I am so new to your blog, you would probably think I was being trite. So instead of my sorrow I will send you my hope. I am hoping for you. Hope for comfort, and peace, hope for fun at blissdom, and hope in general – because you can never have enough hope.
Emily´s last blog post ..Wordless Wednesday – Baby in a Box again
i had the same kind of miscarriage in between my 3rd and 4th children. i went to the dr for a normal check up and they couldn’t find the heartbeat. i waited 2 weeks for the actual miscarriage to happen.
melissa stover´s last blog post ..Blissdom bound
Wow. Jeannett – you continue to inspire me …. your positive outlook is so greatly admired. Although we will always continue to want to understand why God allows certain things to happen… there is great comfort in knowing that He allows us to face them with the strength only He can offer. (thinking about you & your husband, Jeannett … much love!) (:
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Hi. Just reading this now…. Jeannett, I am sorry. I hope Blissdom was restorative for you. I am so glad we met.
I am so sorry for your loss, friend.
hope you had fun at blissdom. without me. I think I might need to check out one of these shenanigans.
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