As I thought through the idea of college and how children and expectations fell with that, I remembered a whole other set of expectations of mine that were blown right out of the water.
Violently.
Because I think that even if you are “okay” with the not-going-to-college-thing, often, my next automatic response is:
“I just want them to be happy, healthy, get married, have babies, and be productive members of society.”
And this is where it gets tricky.
When Jill was first born, we had no idea what to expect from this tiny shivering baby.
Pediatricians, Neurologists, and Physical Therapists all told us that we would have to be prepared for anything.
No one knew if she would ever be able to walk.
If she would be severely mentally retarded.
Need orthopedic surgery.
We were told to basically “hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.”
Hardest thing you could ever ask me to do.
Andy is amazing sometimes.
He can simply say “Let’s not worry about it. Let’s just cross that bridge when we get there.”
And not only mean it…but do it too.
I envy that in him.
I don’t know if it’s the mama in me, or if I’m just a worry wart…
but I had to process all of that.
Think about it.
Work through it.
Emotionally prepare myself for it.
What would life be like?
We’d have to move! We couldn’t live in a two story house! We’d have to retrofit doorways, showers! We’d never be able to go camping!
Silly things.
Big things too though.
The “just be healthy, get married, babies, productive” thing no longer applies.
And I was faced with taking a good, long look at how I viewed the world and our place in it.
And I found myself thinking…
“if Jill never gets married…never has babies…and isn’t an actual PRODUCTIVE member of society…will I love her less? Will I believe that she isn’t good enough? Will I always feel a sense of failure for her?”
No. Of course not.
And frankly, I don’t really care if my kids are happy. (read that link. brilliant.)
Okay, so WHAT is really important?
When you boil it all down?
Remove the excess?
Take away all of the notions of success and expectations you have for your children…
what is left?
I want my children to love God.
Fear God.
Be compassionate.
Loving.
Helpful.
Giving.
Praise God. Always.
Whether it is from a wheelchair, behind an array of tubes, or within the bounds of marriage and parenthood.
Praise God from Whom all blessings flow.
Praise Him all creatures here below.
If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time you know that Jill’s progress is downright miraculous.
My big girl is SITTING people!!!
SITTING!
All by herself!
I don’t know why God has chosen to bless our family so mightily.
Now that Jill is doing so fabulously, therapists are being more open…
“You know, when we first met Jill, my heart broke. I really thought she was going to be one of our more tragic cases. I didn’t think she would have any semblance of a normal life based on what I saw those first weeks.”
“I didn’t want to freak you out at the time, but in 25 years, I had never seen a baby shiver and shake the way she did. I remember wanting to fight back tears that first day. I really thought we were in for a long road with her.”
And yet, God has chosen to blow the lid off my world.
Give me a glimpse into the beautiful world of Special Needs.
A world that is filled with challenges and blessings that you will never see anywhere else.
And still spare us some of the heartache.
Because my sweet JillyBean is also working on her STANDING!!!
And this is the photo that turns me into a blubbering mess.
A picture truly says a thousand words.
And just a few short months ago, I would have wondered if my eyes would ever see this scene.
Ever.
And I know that God sent Miss Jill to open my eyes.
To re-mold my heart.
Refocus my expectations.
A painful process to be sure.
It’s okay to want your children to do or be certain things.
Surely.
But I have learned that marriage…and yes, even having children…are not the be all and end all.
What I want for my sweet babies is much, much more precious and important than that.
Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name;
make known his deeds among the peoples!
Sing to him, sing praises to him;
tell of all his wondrous works! —Psalm 105:1-2
Have you cheered Kristin on yet?
Share.
Praise.
It’s worth it.
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Here I sit in my classroom crying!! God is gracious and we all praise Him for Jilly’s progress! This picture is now my background…you are right Jeannett…you have been truly blessed.
“And I know that God sent Miss Jill to open my eyes.
To re-mold my heart.
Refocus my expectations.”
Hi, I have been reading your blog for a few months but never commented. I find your writing insightful. Thank you for sharing your story. I got a teeny, tiny glimpse into the world of special needs with my daughter and was spared the heartache for some reason. The time leading up to her birth and the first few months of her life opened up (re-molded, I like the way you worded that) my heart in ways I never imagined. I feel that my heart is more open to others than it ever was before. That quote from your posting just really struck a chord with me and I had to comment. Thank you for expressing what I have been feeling in my heart. A fan in Montreal, Canada.
All I can say is WOW. Powerful message. Awesome photos. I won’t go into my long story, but I can so relate to the lessons you’ve learned with the birth of your daughter and how all of your expectations of what makes a perfect baby go flying out the window. Great post!
i love this. SO beautiful, so powerful. and congrats to jillybean!
Grace´s last blog post ..ode to linus
How wonderful to see Jilly sit up!! God is so faithful!! hugs b
Once I saw the picture of Henry helping Jill stand I could hardly read the screen through my tears, absolutely precious. He looks so proud of her for standing. Great post and way to go Jill for her progress!
How pathetic am I???? I didn’t even think about Jill sitting up till I read it and THEN I cried!!! That is so great, Jeannett. And I agree with Brianne re: the Henry and Jill pic. Precious. That’s what I love about God – how He can “blow the lid off” our world. Your kids are looking amazingly healthy, happy and loved. You and Andy are doing a great job. Glad to see you every once in awhile when we visit. Sometime, maybe we can sit for more than 5 minutes and chat. love and hugs
Robbin´s last blog post ..Such a small world
Oh gracious….. this might as well be a page from my blog! Oh, how closely I am right there with you. In both hearing the MRI results of Ansley’s brain and hearing “not possible” for a normal, healthy life- And seeing mountains CRUSHED through the precious blood of Christ. Long, long road and still many unknowns… just as you all are walking through… but wow, miracles has taken on a whole new meaning. Btw My hubs is the same way. I think it is physically impossible for him to worry or feel fear!!! Ha… But yes, it is a smidge diff being the momma. Doesnt make dad any less, but its different. I just burst into tears seeing that sweet thing STANDING!!!!! Read Isaiah 35 over her… He has done theses things for her!!!! REJOICING with you over your miracles today!!
Jordan´s last blog post ..Wordless Wednesday
Just marveling at the picture again…LOVE the way Lucy is “supervising”. Love you all dearly :)
This post is so amazing and inspiring. Thank you for posting that picture of her standing. How heartwarming and incredible.
Brittany´s last blog post ..Heart
Tears! What an amazing picture!
Kirsten´s last blog post ..For Kelly
just catching up. wow, jill looks amazing-love seeing her sit and stand. dang! i know what you mean about adjusting expectations and considering what makes a person valuable. such good insight. thank you for sharing your heart and your journey with us. and on a lighter note, you bedroom looks freaking amazing. wow!! xo
Awesome!
Besides, who defined ‘productive,’ anyway? There’s a myriad of definitions in that word.
I think your daughter has more spunk yet to show the world =)
Caryl
So beautiful! So true! I finally came to the road where I readjusted my expectations – and the bottom line is I want my sons to love God with all their hearts – First! Before anything else. Because if they love God with all their hearts, they will seek His path and His plan – and then I can find comfort in any choice they make – whether it is to go to college or not, to marry or not, to have children or not.
I am sooo happy for you! For your baby girl! For the awesome, amazing miracle. For the faith story you can pass down for the next 80 years! God is so good!
bluecottonmemory´s last blog post ..Not a Grasshopper Caught in the Grip
Wow! I’m so excited for you & praising God as well that your gorgeous lil girl is doing so well! It is truly all because of God & your trust in Him!
Love your blog, love your story, love your cute kids, love it all, visiting from SiTs & now a follower!
Kayli´s last blog post ..Memories- Tears & Scars
My adult daughter and I were just talking last night about not freaking out over stuff (mind you, we were talking about everyday stuff that drives us nuts, not children’s possible handicaps!) She and I tend to be on the anxious side and are trying to learn that whatever is, IS. Even it it IS bad, it IS. While I know that would be difficult to do in more difficult things, I am trying to practice it in my everyday life.
I want to say too, I have lived through my hubby having a brain aneurysm. Once you go through anything of that sort (and yours) so much of the other stuff is really so small. It’s no big deal. When your kids are yelling and screaming and running through the house, ALL 3 OF THEM, will you be pulling your hair out? No, you’ll join in the chase because you will be so happy that they are ALL running together!
But, on the flipside, if Jill were to need a walker or braces, and she didn’t move as fast as the others, you can still rejoice, because she is MOVING!
The point is, that life has a way of putting things in perspective for you!
So glad to get to know you!
Bernice
Ramblings of a Woman´s last blog post ..Pruning away- to BE more
Happy SITS Day! I absolutely had to pop over to visit when I saw the name of your blog. I’m sure your slate is full of guest bloggers, but if you ever need an addition to your blogging family please let me know. My blog is named Making Lemonade, because we had to make lemonade out of rotten lemons when our daughter was born. You see, her umbilical cord burst in utero. There was no way she was supposed to make it. Somehow (thanks to God and a new lifesaving technique called head cooling) she did.
We set up a charity called the Team Abby Foundation (www.teamabby.com) and are only $345 away from providing 100 Care Bags to NICU families at Jefferson Hospital in Philadelphia. I’d love to partner with you if you have the space, and thanks for providing a platform for helping others! I’ve found the most generous donations of time and money have come from those who have walked in our shoes… those who have had to deal with life, rearranged. ;-)
Carrie´s last blog post ..The Secret to Choosing the Perfect Pumpkin
Praising God for how well Miss Jill is doing