It’s Me Again

Hey everyone, it’s Jeannett again.

Andy’s done a really good job of updating the blog and keeping everyone in the loop with the craziness that is going on around us right now. (He did most of it from his iPhone in case you were wondering…)

I won’t go back and repeat anything, but I thought I’d just give you all some insight into what these events FEEL like. For me anyway. This might be a little jumbled and long…but then again, my brain is pretty jumbled…

Having a c-section is terrible. There is already soooo much to deal with and do…and the fact that I move at a snail’s pace, am in constant pain, can’t shower or dress unassisted, and getting in and out of bed is a 5+ minute task…it just makes it all that much harder to deal with. Not only do I have only part of my family home, but I’m not even in a position to be the mommy I want to be to the ones Ihave nearby. It breaks my heart.

As much as I hate having had the surgery, I know that it was the best thing after all…well, really, it was all that was left. We tried EVERYTHING to avoid it, because I knew that the recovery would be long and hard. And I feel okay with it all because I know that we truly tried anything and everything and there really weren’t any other options left. Ultimately, I think that my uterus was overextended and wouldn’t contract properly…which is why even with the highest dosage of Pitocin running through my system, my contractions were little bitty rolling hills instead of the steep peaks they should have been.

I never, in a *million* years thought that I would have to deal with the NICU when I had carried my girls to 38weeks, 5 days. Especially when they were both big and pink and looked very, very healthy. But by day 2, Jill who had been my nursing champ, quit nursing. And then the weird shakes and twitches and blinking. It kept getting worse. Nurses started worrying. And you know the rest of the story. Interestingly enough, all through the labor, Jill’s heart rate was steady, stable and looked great. When the doctor suggested a c/s, it was for LUCY, not Jill. Jill never ONCE showed any signs of distress. So it makes me wonder if her oxygen deprivation occurred at a different point during the pregnancy? I guess we’ll never know…

When they wheeled Jill away to the NICU, I sobbed. I had three kids…and they were all in three different places. Andy was with Jill at Sierra Vista. I was with Lucy at French, and Henry was back home with family/friends. How can a family exist like this? It just seemed like the wrongest kind of wrong to me. No one was together. It just wasn’t right.

So, I opted to be discharged as soon as possible so that I could at least visit with Jill (they wouldn’t transfer me and Lucy). Leaving the hospital was so awful. As they wheeled me out with little Lucy, the waiting room cooed and awwed and whispered “oh, how cute!” “congratulations!” and I just kept my eyes focused on my feet. I wanted to scream STOP LOOKING AT US!!! THIS ISN’T CUTE!!! THERE’S ANOTHER BABY!!! THERE SHOULD BE TWO BUNDLES IN MY ARMS AND THERE ISN’T AND I AM ANGRY!!! I broke down when Andy opened up the back door and there was only one car seat. This wasn’t the happy moment every parent dreams of. This was sad and depressing and heart breaking. There were no happy smiles or excited glances. Just a serious tone and anxiously wanting to go to French to see Jill. We didnt speak the whole way to Sierra Vista. I know that makes it sound like she died, and she obviously didn’t and isn’t. But that’s still how it felt.

When I saw my little Jill again, I cried again. She looked perfect. Big, chubby, a double chin and the sweetest pink lips you’ve ever seen. But she twitched and blinked constantly. She had no control over her motions. You could feel it even through the tightly swaddled blanket. I fed her a bottle and she wouldn’t take it. Andy told me how to hold her differently and then told me when I should burp her and how she liked to be held. It was so strange to realize that you didn’t even know your own baby girl. That Daddy had it down and had to clue me in to all her little likes and preferences. I finally handed her to him and he took over like a pro. Cooing to her “Come on my strong little girl, let’s show them that you want to go home.” “Come on baby girl, Daddy needs you to eat”. It both broke my heart and melted it. Andy says that they will forever have a special bond since he spent so many of those first hours alone with her in the NICU. He obviously loves Lucy too, but you can see in how he holds Jill that she has him in the palm of her little chubby hand.

I’m hopeful that she gets better quickly and comes home soon. But I worry about my girl. What Andy didn’t mention that the neurologist said is that her condition and symptoms are classic of a DROWNING. I just about lost it. That is not what a mom wants to hear. She did say that any long term effects can be non-existent, severe, or anything in between…and that that”s true of any NICU baby.

My heart aches. My arms feel empty even though they cradle Lucy. My family feels broken and incomplete. But even still I feel blessed beyond measure. Regardless of the outcome, we will be a family soon and I can’t wait for my girls to be back together. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your well wishes and mostly for your prayers. I’m not really answering my phone right now, but please don’t be offended…I just need a little space right now…

Keep praying. We serve a mighty God. That I have never been so sure of in my life.

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I'm a mom to four. A wife to one. I believe in story. I love telling you about mine and would love to hear yours. There's really no sense in wasting our suffering and not sharing in each other's joy. We're all in this together...even if it doesn't always feel like it.

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  1. 1

    Thanks for the update, Jeannett – my heart aches for you, my dear. Please know my prayers are with you all continuously through the day!

  2. 2

    Wow! Jeannett, I feel so bad for you, but also just blessed to be able to share what you are going through even though we are miles away. I am so thankful to be able to watch and pray with all the others on this blog and all around the world, apparently. Yes, Andy did a great job keeping us updated. And I'm picturing him with Jill as you described the scene. I pray she will come out of this well and would recover quickly. Also, that you would have minimal pain and heal quickly so you can begin mommying again and enjoy your family. Thank you so much for your honesty and your feelings and just sharing your heart, as always. I love you guys and pray all will be well soon. Hugs to all.

  3. 3

    Thanks for sharing your heart. I'm aching for you, but also trust in our great big God! Take all the time you need, but please let us know if we can help. Praying still…

  4. 4

    Jeannett, thank you for your honesty – and for letting us know not to call. Please sign me up when you are ready for help. I am praying for your family to be complete soon. I cannot imagine the kind of torture this is. Not to mention getting over surgery and labor. Sending very, very gentle hugs and prayers for all of you.

  5. 5

    i am in tears reading this. i can't even imagine how you guys are feeling. i'm praying for you all non-stop. you are right – we do serve a mighty god! hang in there :)

  6. 6

    Hi Jeannett – You don't know us, but we know your family well – and feel we know you from all the bragging Rod does concerning your family! I loved your blog and our prayers are with you and your precious girls. We want to let you know that Rod has been going to church with us and getting quite involved – so we truly know that God answers prayers! And we know he will answer yours! Bless you – hang in there – Lin and Debbie Drake

  7. 7

    Jeannett I'm crying reading this, and yet I feel so so blessed and encouraged by your dear heart. (No consolation, I know.) You and Andy are amazing, I can't imagine what you must be going through, and I'm praying that you'll all be reunited (with some answers) soon. Love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. 8

    Wow. Thanks for posting and sharing. Our prayers are with you all. Being away from your baby is just so hard, and wrong on all kinds of levels. Shannon was in the NICU for 7 days after she was born, mostly because of her major head injury from the vacuum extractor. Going home without your baby is no fun, and the uncertainty of potential brian/physical problems was really hard. But God undertook and healed her completely. He is mighty! Hang in there!

  9. 9

    =( I love you. We are praying so much for baby Jill. HUGS.

  10. 10

    love you jeannett

  11. 11

    I cried reading this. It took me back to my kids in the NICU and feeling so empty handed and alone. The good news, she is here. She is alive. You didn't lose them. Your family will be united soon and this will all be put behind you. God has blessed your family by overcoming so many obstacles… without a challenge there would be no faith.
    I love you and Gibby both. My heart is with you and my prayers are for your whole family.

  12. 12

    J, like always you explain how you are feeling so well. It reminds me of leaving "our" twins in Preemie NICU for 6 weeks. It makes it hard to write a comment but it makes it easy to pray. You and Andy are doing great.

  13. 13

    What a beautiful account of Andy and Jill's special daddy-daughter connection! I can SOOO picture it in my head and can't wait to see you all in person and meet your precious babies. I hope everything gets easier really soon.