…I am reminded.
For the most part, it’s easy to forget.
It’s just our normal.
It’s just our life.
It’s just what we do.
Yes, Jill has therapy twice a week.
Yes, we need to watch every nap on a video monitor.
Sure, she has more doctor appointments.
Oh, and she does get medicine twice a day.
But honestly, the day to day…
the everyday stuffs…
are pretty normal.
She’s a happy happy baby.
She giggles.
She cries.
She poops.
She whines “mama”.
She and Lucy make growling noises at each other in some weird game they’ve devised.
And she’s ultra cute.
Everyday.
So, even with all the extras, really, it’s easy to forget that she comes with some special challenges.
And you almost mentally just plop her into your brain as a younger baby.
Henry is the oldest. Lucy is the middle child. Jilly is the baby.
Technically true, but only by a minute.
But in practice, really, she behaves more like a 6 month old than a one year old.
And you kinda forget that she’s one at all.
Until you find yourself in the toy aisle at WalMart…
shopping for your twin girls’ first birthday present.
And you decide on dollies.
Because the last two times you were at a friends’ house, Lucy immediately gravitated towards the plastic babies and pushed them around in a cheaply made umbrella stroller.
And you think: “oh DOLLS! Sheesh! I guess the toy cars and dinosaurs are kinda BOY toys…oops…”
So, you’re in the baby doll aisle.
And you study the dolls.
Some pee…some cry…some even crawl.
No thanks.
Simple please.
And as you pick up the baby dolls like foreign objects in a boy mama’s hand…
you realize that many are much too heavy for little Jill.
Her grip is light and her muscles are weak.
Doll after doll is much too heavy.
You finally settle on a doll and find teeny tiny cotton filled babies that you buy as well.
In case the regular dolly is too much.
And then the stroller.
And my heart broke in two.
I would only be buying one.
Not because I was making a parenting statement and teaching them lessons in sharing.
Not because Jill wasn’t quite walking yet, and we would be coming back for her own baby stroller in a few months’ time.
And I realized standing in the pinkest of aisles in WalMart…
that there are differences in my girls.
Some good, some bad, some indifferent.
And as I lifted the offensively pink plastic clinking stroller into my cart, tears were threatening to spill.
Right there in the middle of WalMart.
I almost left without buying a thing.
I didn’t realize I would need moral support.
I didn’t realize that a “moment” would happen at WalMart.
Then again, they seem to always happen when I least expect it.
Just when I think I’m so strong and have it together…
I needed Andy with me.
But I decided I was being dumb and shook it off.
I was gonna get through this.
I wondered if I should buy two anyway.
Save Jill’s until she could use it.
I caught my breath when the thought of IF she can ever use it…
but I knew I was being dramatic then.
But still…I was angry.
I was sad.
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to make a scene right there in Aisle 16.
Like an overgrown 3 year old not getting to buy what she wants.
Forgetting about all the blessings she has waiting for her at home.
Focusing on the unimportant.
I felt like I *should* be buying two.
Jill should have her own stroller.
But buying two would be pointless and silly now.
Buying two would be for ME…not Jill.
I told Andy about my shopping adventures when I got home…
I let the tears flow freely in the safety of my living room…
“It’s okay…she can get one for her second birthday…right???…I hope…maybe?…”
I don’t know when Jilly will get her very own dolly stroller.
But I do know that great fanfare will accompany it.
We will take our dollies with us.
We will make it a family trip.
We will get soft serve ice cream from McDonald’s.
Even if it ruins dinner.
We will clap and cheer.
We will give our babies sloppy drool filled kisses.
We will praise God.
I may not know when that day will be…
…but know that I will never forget it.
* * *
And typing this all out makes me realize just how important the Free Wheelchair Ministry really is.
Because for lots of mamas…whether you buy a $10 baby stroller…
is SO the least of your heartbreaks…
Antonella Rodriguez is just four years old, a sweet little girl with a radiant smile. When she was born, there were complications involved in her delivery, and for a brief moment, the infant girl did not receive the oxygen she needed. Antonella suffered mild brain damage, but the family could not afford medical treatment at the time.
“My sweet girl,” said her mother. “She is a joy to me, but it is very difficult taking care of her and my other children and my home. My husband has to work so hard to take care of all of us. But because I must stay home with my daughter, I cannot get a job to help out.”
MY how familiar that sounds!
I truly cannot imagine.
For every second I am overwhelmed, God gently reminds me of my good fortune.
Doctors, therapy, resources.
To read more of Antonella’s story, click HERE.
(if you are here from a reader, please consider clicking through)
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i’m glad you get the chance to buy two of some things. like clothes. diapers. blankets.
i’m glad she’s here.
and that’s not to say that i’m beating you up for grieving the loss of your TWINS, that’s to celebrate that you won’t forever be purchasing/experiencing ONES.
not saying this very well… i applaud your willingness to be vulnerable and real.
i am grieving your twins not living in tandom. my heart is breaking.
but i’m also loving the fact that your twins are still so much a part of each others lives and interact and live…
celebrating both of their lives. both of their achievements. even though they’re not at the same pace.
ohhhh, i wish that things could have been different for your family. nothing is more painful than having a constant reminder of what jilly should be doing… but what a gift of compassion and understanding that lucy has been given.
your kids have awesome parents.
i don’t believe i said this very well, but there is serious applause happening in tennessee. a standing ovation. praising your bravery and your motherhood and for sharing that with us.
i’ll stop blabbering now.
{{{hugs}}}
purejoy´s last blog post ..fertilizer for your brain
this made me cry. my heart breaks for jill, but, like you’ve said, God has a plan for her. she is His perfect creation. how can we not be grateful?! it’s so hard to focus on the positives in everyday life, but you really seem to have a grasp on that. i try and i try. it’s a never-ending battle for me. we are so fortunate! God is sooo good!
and you are one strong momma! thank you for reminding me how important it is to count your blessings! (p.s. your kids are absolutely adorable! jill and her little doll! sooo cute!) too bad we don’t live closer! we could have a playdate! (i have a 3 1/2 year old girl and twin almost 1 year old boys!)
I am in the same boat. I agree with every word you typed. And I cried right along with you. My daughter will be one on Wednesday and physically, she’s at a 7 month old stage. So I bought her a little toy that sits on the floor. Nothing she could practice standing at. Nothing she could practice walking with. Nothing she needed to lift. It made me sad. It still does. But I hold on to one thing. Okay, maybe two. She’s a happy happy baby like Jilly….and that God has made her perfect in His eyes. He has a plan for our little munchkins and for THAT, I can rest & be thankful for. Haven’t you always seen mom’s who have special-needs kiddos and wondered “how DO they do it?” I do. And now I know – they just do. Just like WE will “just do.”
Hang in there. You have a beautiful family. I continue to pray for you.
Lindsay´s last blog post ..July Thus Far
I also have children that do therapies…….it is tough, but doable! We have learned to reward each child with their special “stage appropriate” (not AGE appropriate) toy.
Have you thought of getting Jilly a rocking cradle (to put the baby in and rock, it sits on the floor, so it can’t be tipped over). It is still doll related, and STAGE appropriate!
Oh dear Jeanett, I know. I am ahead of you on this path and just want you to know that you are not alone. The joy of celebrating each (and every single) milestone that your sweet girl accomplishes is one of my favorite side-effects of special needs parenting…we take NOTHING for granted. I know you won’t either…hugs from AZ!
Carol´s last blog post ..Not one thing
Your baby girls are beautiful! I love reading your blog. You are such an inspiration. Keep strong!
Oh Jeannett I can SO relate. I think I’ve commented before about how half the time I feel like I can conquer the world and the other half I just want run away forever. There are days that I get sooooo excited that my J got himself dressed correctly and other days that I am sad that he can’t get the same “age appropriate” new cool kid thing that his cousins have. On the whole I would say I feel so grateful. But every once in a while I will get slapped in the face and have a “Walmart moment” (have to say- did it have to be Walmart? Couldn’t it at least have been Target??). Anyway- you are the best and all 3 of your kids are so fortunate to have you as your mom. When Jill is 10 (my J is 10) you’ll look back and be amazed at how ridiculously far she’s some. Promise. ;)
Mique´s last blog post ..Whirlwind of a week summer
That was supposed to say, “Your kids are so fortunate to have you as THEIR mom.” oops…
Mique´s last blog post ..Whirlwind of a week summer
Oh Jeanette this sounds so hard, heartbreaking, and full of aching love. This is one of those times I wish I knew you in person, so I could drop by your house and smother you in hugs.
Ginger´s last blog post ..Enlightenment