Most of my friends have 3-4 kids.
And while they occasionally get a rude comment or stare, it isn’t often…and it seems as if it isn’t nearly as vicious.
So I started wondering yesterday…
Why ME?
Do I have a giant sign on my back that screams:
Please be rude to me. Tell me exactly how you feel. Let it all out. Don’t hold back. No really, I want to know about all of your deep seeded insecurities and political views on repopulation. Right here. In the toilet paper aisle. Go on.
Really, I only have 3 kids.
I don’t think that’s nearly that many.
In fact, I would say that’s pretty stinking normal.
A friend of mine told me this past Sunday that she had just read my Costco post, and she was amazed at how rude people were.
“I had 5 kids and I rarely ever got any comments. In fact, people would just smile over at us!”
I’m gonna go out on a limb and suggest that society has continuously devalued the worth of children as the years have gone on. I know, it’s a stretch. {insert sarcasm here}
After all, most of Tammy’s Fab 5 are in college by now. So that’s a whole different era of child rearing apparently.
Even still, it seems like I get the lion’s share of eye rolls and meanness.
I mulled it over yesterday and here’s what I came up with:
A huge factor is that they are so close in age.
Most people who have three kids have a child that is 6 or 7 years old. At least.
MY oldest? Two.
And because my girls look nothing alike…and they are even different sizes…I bet people think I just pumped out babies like no other. Not that that would be any of their business, but I can see how you might think that is overwhelming.
So yes, I have three kids. But they are all essentially babies.
None of my kids can dress themselves.
None of my kids can strap themselves into car seats.
None of my kids can wipe their own rear ends.
It’s a lot some days. Not gonna lie.
But it’s really not that big a deal.
A second reason I think might partially come into play is how overwhelming it just looks.
I’m 5’2” tall.
I’m not a lot of mom to begin with.
So when you see me with a baby strapped to my chest and a cart filled with more babies…it looks like a lot.
And from a physical standpoint it can be sometimes.
I take the kids to Costco with me all the time.
If I’m getting a lot of stuff and I’ve come to a standstill in an aisle, I often have to completely LEAN INTO the cart and heave to get it moving again.
No, really. I have to *really* lean. My entire body weight. I’ve even been known to let out a little grunt as I try to get that cart moving again. It’s a tad embarrassing.
When the girls were still small enough to use their infant seats, I couldn’t see over them in the cart and had to look over to the side and push the cart at an angle.
So, it probably looks like there is more baby mass…than there is mama mass, you know?
Last, the reality of it is that there is a thin line of control.
It wouldn’t take much for everyone to go sideways on me at the same time and I’d be standing there with three crying/screaming babies.
And that’s more crying children than I have arms.
And I think that stresses people out.
I don’t know if I’m right about any of this.
I was just really thinking hard about it yesterday.
Because I am not exaggerating that I get *some* kind of rude comment or eye roll every. single. time. I go out.
Every.
Single.
Time.
And 3 kids…that’s really not a big family.
I want to get this shirt made:
Think This Is A Lot?
We ain’t even DONE yet!!!
Man, wouldn’t that make people die???!!!
“Cardiac Arrest on aisle 3!”
And you know what I realized later that night as I got ready for bed?
I was wearing this necklace (for reals).
On another note, have you read Sarah’s story?
Have you entered to win yet?
Take the $5 Challenge.
Today’s a good day to give.
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Oh you know I have many a thought on this topic. (On a side note it’s no secret that society’s views towards raising children were influenced to some degree by Margaret Sanger, her writings, and her ushering in the era of the birth control pill. People may debate whether this was an influence for the good vs. the bad, but nobody argues that it wasn’t an enormous shift in our society.)
I used to get rude comments every single time I went out too. Since moving here it doesn’t happen as much. Recently (in a neighboring suburb) my kids and I walked past a man who shook his head and bitterly said I have more patience than he does. To which I replied, “Actually, having children is what GIVES you patience.” He didn’t say anything.
Having multiple children so close in age is what causes people to comment I think. People have asked me if I’m 16 (semi-jokingly) so apparently looking young is a factor too. Add to that the fact that my boys have brown skin and…there you go. The makings for a disaster. :)
These days most comments I get are nice. It always makes my day when someone encourages me about my children, because it is so stressful and frustrating getting so many negative comments. I hope that I can be an encourager to other moms when I’m out and about too!
Oh and I got your message. Will call soon!!!! Love you guys!
.-= Brianna´s last blog ..Hope deferred =-.
Oh, how I love this post!!! My 3 kids were NOT close together and rarely had them all at the same time shopping with me, but my husbands father and step-mom had 6 – they had the first 4 in 25 months; yes, #3 and #4 were boy-girl twins when #2 was 10 months old. She had a GREAT sense of humor and she told me that when she’d drive them anywhere she would randomly pick 4 to “duck down” so people wouldn’d see them all at once. However, I do have to say that her husband had money so she had a housekeeper who came in every day to help til the kids were in school!(Peter lived with him mom and step-dad and 5 siblings)
i think, for me, the thought right now of ONE kid/baby freaks me out, so to think of THREE babies just sends me over the edge. but again, i have no experience, i don’t really even know anyone in my daily life with 3 kids *yet*.
BUT i have to say, going to your house that day and seeing you with all of them, you seem more in control and more comfortable/at ease with being a mom than a lot of moms i know with only one baby. i think you were made for this and you are amazing.
you have made me think twice before thinking those *things* you speak of above, but my thoughts would be more related to if i were to be in that situation. i could care less what other people do, its their life not mine. AND i would NEVER say them to someone, i dont know where people get off.
.-= aron´s last blog ..let the adventures begin! =-.
Oh Aron!
The funniest part is that after you left, I thought “Poor Aron…she’s NEVER gonna want to have kids after that!” I felt like Henry was being whiny and obnoxious…and I looked like a train wreck! So I think it’s hysterical that you thought I looked in control! HA!
I love the “we ain’t even done yet!” HA!! I had a dream the other night we had 5 (currently 3 and we’re pretty done/old ;) so a surprising dream, but I really liked it – i love being a mommy to my babies! You’re a good mommy and God is giving you babies to take care of because you’re good at it – those wrinkly nosed ladies wouldn’t have the faintest idea so they can suck it!
.-= Krystina Montemurro´s last blog ..Sneak Peek into CKs ‘Scrapbooking Tips and Tricks’… & GIVEAWAY! =-.
Our first born has a big personality, and can act out in crazy unpredictable ways at times. If I were to “correct” her in that moment to appease the onlookers, I would be doing more harm than good and actually sending her down a spiraling pit that she would have a near impossible time climbing out of. I think the term is “inflexible/explosive.” I am sure it can make me look like a “bad” parent to others, but by not disciplining her in the midst of it, I am being a great parent and meeting my daughter where she is at developmentally.
Having a child that doesn’t always respond the way her peers do makes me more compassionate to that mom with the “out of control” kid. We don’t know their story or what the conversation was in the car before or after the shopping trip. We only see a glimpse of that parent/child interaction. I *try* not to judge others based on my biases. And I certainly make an attempt to keep my mouth closed. :)
you’re taller than i am?
jeanett,
I too, have 3 babies essentially. My oldest is 3, with an 8week old being the youngest. I got asked the other day if I was running a daycare. Or I get the “Wow, your hands are full”. And my response is always “I’d rather have them full than empty”. Keep up the amazing work, andPraise God that your hands are full!!
First of all, THANK YOU, Rachel. That is so true about the discipline (and everything else), and very few people understand it. Good for you for knowing your daughter and doing what she needs.
Second of all, Jeannett, your reasoning makes sense: more baby to mom ratio by appearance.
Thirdly: well, I would like to give some of those snooty folks a piece of my mind. If it stresses them out to think of a triple-whammy meltdown, why don’t they just offer to help?!? Well, I wouldn’t actually want their kind of help, but still…perhaps they would be content hearing that I can’t stand their attitude because it brings my near-miss with infertility to the forefront and I feel more than just a little touchy when children are viewed as a negative thing. Honestly, who does she think is going to TAKE CARE OF HER OR RUN THE COUNTRY when she isn’t able to anymore?!? To quote poor Whitney Houston,”..children are our future…”
Fourthly: Yes, I’m overwhelmed some days, but when folks say, “You sure have your hands full,” I blithely think they’re empathizing with me and thank them for seeing my plight, or I say, “Blessedly Full” or something like that to which I will re-reference the infertility near-miss thing. ARGH!
Jeannett, you have got to get that shirt or a button or a bumper sticker or maybe even put it on a business card! It could say: Jeannett@weaintevendoneyet.com
I wonder if it is because you are often out alone with all three.
I’ve NEVER received anything, but positive comments from strangers, but I’ve also never been able to go out alone with all three. My son is 4 and my twins are almost 9 months so I’m sure that makes a difference too, but I really think a lot of it is because you are much braver than I and actually go about your life with 3 littles.
The bottom line (and clearly you know this already) is that you are blessed and people are stupid.
.-= Jodi´s last blog ..Trioramas – Teaching Tip Tuesday =-.
It’s probably good I only have the one, because I don’t have a filter on my mouth. And, lemme tell ya, I have no control over that thing, it has a mind of it’s own…
And, no matter what someone thinks, unless they are going to say something nice, please keep yer mouth shut.
xo
c
p.s. from my last comment on your last post;
I read Sarah’s story. All of it. And wow. Really wow. I’m in awe. Awe of such honesty. Awe of such healing. A whole lot of awe. I wish that I could sit down at a cafe with you and her. Sit and drink coffee and talk, and talk and talk.
.-= Mari´s last blog ..Writing My Story =-.
I have 3 babies – “stair stepped” – some people have called them. My oldest is 6 1/2 and my boys are 2 and 4. Are we are having our fourth this August. My favorite (sarcasm) comment when I’m out with them is, “Wow, you really have your hands full, don’t you?” It takes a lot of restraint to reply in a non-sarcastic way! But yes, I do. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
BTW – I love the comment your son made the other day about being lucky about babies. Kids are so smart!
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..The Swagger Wagon! Awesome! =-.
Been there done that! I only have ONE child of my own. He is 5 now. But he has been developmentally delayed and he is finally catching up within the last year or so. Anyway… I watch kids. You know, while their parents go to work. I prefer little ones. And just because I watch small kids, doesn’t mean that I stay home all the time. I had my 5 yr old and a 2 yr old and decided to go out to eat with my cousin one day. She has a 4 yr old and a two year old. All of us calmly walked into Cracker Barrel. Both my cousin and I had a child on each hand. They were quiet and cute. The greeter looked up at me and I said, “We have 6. 2 adults and 4 kids. We need 4 highchairs please.” She sighed deeply and rolled her eyes. I was dumbfounded! She then proceeded to say, “I don’t know if we have enough highchairs.” I answered, “They don’t have to be all highchairs. We can use two high chairs and two boosters. Whatever is easiest for you.” She said, “No seriously, I have to go see if we even have enough.” Now, on a weekend, I can see where this might be a problem. This was on a weekday around 11:30 and the place was EMPTY! She walked into the back and wouldn’t you know… EVERY waitress in the back took turns coming to the door to see us! Like we were a circus show!!! I was APPALLED! I am not one to keep my mouth shut so I loudly began talking to my cousin..”Seriously, has no one ever seen kids before?” “Is there something wrong with bringing our kids here to eat?” “Is EVERYONE in this place really going to keep staring at us?” I had almost reached my boiling point when she returned. She KNEW she was walking a thin line by this point and was extremely nice. She sat us and thankfully our waitress was the best waitress we have ever had! She was so nice and kind. She took time out to talk to all of the kids. The kids were so good that day! On the way out, karma found justice for us. The four year old dropped her cup of lemonade right in from of the greeter standing at her podium. We moms steered the kids out of the way and said, “It’s ok Lilly, you were such a good girl. Accidents happen!” We are still laughing!
I am lucky enough to have a similar situation- Just turned three year old and twins that will be one a week from today. We often do the double stroller while wearing one twin. I took my grandma to lunch a couple of months ago. While unloading the van, a lady came up to me and told me she felt sorry for me. I told her she should not, I have a very blessed life. My grandma is still bothered by that comment, my grandpa brings it up all the time and he was not even there.
Wonder what she would have said if my littles would have been grumpy!
PS- My three year old always says that people with one baby are not as lucky as she is!
SO I know everyone who has more than the appropriate 2 kids who’s read this wants to respond.. and here’s my take. I have 4 kids, we considered 5 but with my husband gone so much, we realized that we were good with 4. I can look back now because I got all kinds of comments and questions when they were small… you see, now I’m on the other side (kind of) because now they are 25, 21, 20, & 18. There are 16 months between #2 and #3 and 20 months between #3 and #4.
Thankfully, there are 3 years between #1 and #2, but still she was 3 when her brother was born and 4 when her sister came along. When people would see me they would say things like “Are they all yours?” or “With the same guy?” and yeah, I was totally offended, but I learned to respond something like this…. Yes, they all came of my body and yes, I am still with my husband, their dad. Of course, I would always say it with a smile and laugh.. but it’s ridiculous because really, it’s none of their business. No, people don’t value family like they used to, but one thing I do know is that my kids love each other and although they may fight and get on each other’s nerves (yes, they still do) they have this incredible bond.. they watch out for each other and protect each other no matter what, and they will always have each other.
I don’t understand why people think they have a right to comment on the number of kids someone has. I have 4 and their ages are 7, 5, 3, and 6 mos. I get the “you have your hands full” comment a lot and it really bothers me. my kids will be walking next to me quiet and obedient and I get the famous comment. Sorry to read that their are so many mamas out their with the same problem. If I walked up to someone that was a large person and said “wow, you’re fat.” that would be rude. So why is ok for these rude people to state the obvious? I don’t think I have my hands full but since they do, they are stating what they think is obvious. I wish people would mind their own business and keep their comments to themselves.
jeannett –
I feel like I have found a kindred spirit! I am barely 5 feet tall, and have 5 kiddos! I can totally relate to the cart *shove*! And yes, it does get quite loaded when I fill it up to feed 7 people!
When we were pregnant with our third, our neighbor asked my husband, “don’t you know what causes that?” Even my oldest son (age 7 at the time) asked us, “don’t we have enough kids?” when we announced we were pregnant with #5! LOL! We just laugh, and know that the Lord has blessed us well!:)
You made the most accurate statement in that it is no ones business but you and your husband’s as to how many children you have or how close in age they are or anything else.And I totally think rudeness in any way(treatment,words, actions) is appalling.And I should disclose I am a married women who has 1 adult daughter- and it was planned that way! I also received some unsolicitated comments because I chose to have only 1 child.What goes on at any one else’s home and or life choices is none of my business UNLESS it impacts me.I do have questions however on the future how there will be enough resources(water/land/food etc) to go around for everyone?But again my concerns to not give me any right to question your choices.Minding ones own business sure would be a kinder thing to practice.Best of luck in the future
I have two girls, 2 and 4 years old. The best stories I have of rude (and a lot of times, much much older ladies) involve trying to nurse a baby on the bench in a fitting room, or -heaven forbid- actually asking a store associate if there is anywhere besides the bathroom where I could nurse, since my car is currently 145 degrees! I also have to say that I have the same “little feet” necklace with a date on it – the date that my right fallopian tube burst and I lost -who should have been- my 3rd baby last summer. I love Lisa’s stuff and have another necklace with my girls’ names on it. Love your blog. keep it up!