some lives, though short, profoundly change the world and leave a mark on our hearts. for moms who have lost a child, their hearts are forever marked by love. this beautiful necklace was created in collaboration with angie smith who lost her baby girl, audrey caroline.
One of the most amazing things about this little blog of mine are the amazing emails from YOU.
Women sharing THEIR stories with little ol’ me.
I love them.
Each and every one of them.
And I want to share them all.
Each and every one of them.
I often feel like a treasure trove of beautiful stories.
So much hurt and loss. But ten thousand times more beauty and glory.
One of my visions for this corner of the internet is to cultivate a community.
A safe place where you can share your own version of Story.
A place where other women can be encouraged. See that there is hope.
See that there is beauty.
So here is where ALL of you come in…
P.S. This means you have to come out of those lurking shadows. Ahem.
Have you been touched by infant loss/miscarriage in some way?
Have you been blessed by the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation?
Share your story here.
In this post.
In the comments.
Please consider encouraging one another.
Showing grace to those walking the hard road right now.
Loving on those who’s feet are calloused from the journey.
Share your story.
{No. Really you guys. Comment. For real. It’s good. I promise.}
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It’s funny you posted this, I was thinking about you as I wrote this post last night for my own blog about my experience this weekend with a miscarriage. Here’s what I shared:
A few weeks ago, I found out we were expecting baby #3.
Life was so busy we hadn’t stopped to celebrate the news yet.
So when I started spotting, I didn’t think too much of it.
Until I called the doctor and they wanted to see me immediately.
Now it was time to finally push all other priorities aside.
The ultrasound didn’t look good.
I waited and waited for the doctor to come in.
He warned me what my weekend plans were about to become.
And this weekend I miscarried at 8 weeks.
I am ok, the body is amazing and is working hard to be ok to.
What is meant to be is meant to be.
I am thankful for the two beautiful, mischievous little faces that insist we continue playing on.
A fresh start is allowed.
Some breathing space and new perspective.
I feel more connected to my body.
I feel more connected to my own sisters, friends, and strangers who have lived this loss.
My thoughts and prayers are with all those who need it right now.
And know that you are not alone.
Jenny´s last blog post ..Take a Little Piece of the Party Home Party Favor Ideas
oh friend.
i’m so sorry you are a part of this club.
but it’s a club filled with great company, don’t you think?
thank you for sharing!
I often hesitate to share these real, raw stories that lay within my life. Two of them have made such an impact on me that I know I am different because of them.
A miscarriage within my third pregnancy. I had twins, only one survived. It was hard. I had a healthy baby boy to look after yet a heart that was heavy because there should be two of them. Nightmares kept me up at night of a baby boy crying, unnamed. I felt guilty. I was always afraid of twins. I thought that because of that, and my endless prayers for God to give twins to my sister instead of me, I had caused Him to take my baby. God has taught me much since that experience. My son is 7 and yes, there are days that I look at him and wonder, would he have been identical? God is Sovereign and brought me closer to Him through this.
My second “miscarriage,” was not one of the physical realm but one of heart. Four years waiting for an adoption placement left us empty handed. I am still grieving this loss. This dream that husband and I felt was laid on our heart by Him. Some days are harder than others. We do not know whether we will ever try to adopt again because of the intense trial of our emotions…and of my faith. Will my faith survive, if He says no again?
Thank you for this place, a safe place to share a little glimpse into my story. I will be here reading others and will add them to my list of prayers.
Rambling Heather´s last blog post ..On Being A Mother- and The People That Inspire Me
oh!
my heart is absolutely broken for you.
the loss of one twin is a completely different type of mourning that i was terrified of.
what a conflicting set of emotions to hold one sweet babe and mourn the one that should be resting in the other crook of your arm.
and adoption loss is a whole other aspect of infant loss…i wish i would have thought of it before! it is such a real and true loss. i have sweet friends who have experienced that kind of loss (more than once!).
thank you for sharing!
no story of my own to share… i’ve experienced infant loss… but it’s complicated and i can’t share. but i’m praying for the stories here today. for mended hearts and God’s grace and mercy. He is sovereign over all. what an amazing comfort that is.
thank you for such a sweet place of healing, jeannett!
purejoy´s last blog post ..Praise You In This Storm
and while you can’t share the details today, isn’t it amazing to know that you aren’t alone?! God is good. even when it’s not in the way we want.
thank you for being such an encouraging and constant source of support in this space. i appreciate your heart.
I have two amazing living children, Analise age 4 and Gus age 2. I suffered 6 miscarriages before becoming pregnant with my daughter. The majority of my miscarriages happened days after I took an early pregnancy test, but one happened at 14 weeks pregnant and another at 17 weeks. My daughter was a twin, I lost her other half at 10 weeks pregnant but thankfully held on to her. Analise was born premature and sickly, but made it. Around her first birthday we conceived again, and lost the baby at 5 weeks pregnant. My husband was done, I was angry with my body, and he felt like he couldn’t live through the loss of another child. No one seems to remember the emotional toll of child loss doesn’t stop at the mother, fathers feel miscarriage acutely as well. We decided that we should count ourselves blessed and stop torturing my body to produce another child. We went to New York, alone, to celebrate our love and making it through our hardships. On a whim we decided to not use protection for the trip (first overnight without our daughter!), but that my husband would get a vasectomy when we returned home. 8 months later our beautiful and healthy son was born. My husband still went through with the surgery, and I closed out my life as a child bearing woman.
In total I have carried 10 babies in my womb, some for short stays of hope and others past the point where we are taught to breath again and relax because miscarriage is so unlikely. Three of my lost babies were far enough along to warrant the signing of fetal death papers. By the time I had my daughter, after losing her twin and suffering through continuous spotting, I felt compelled to fall enough in love with her that, even if she didn’t live, I could feel like I had had a daughter. I fainted early during my pregnancy with my son had had a placental abruption which bled from week 18 through week 35, when he was born. My guilt over nearly ‘killing’ this child, even after losing so many babies, prevented me from bonding with him until the day he was delivered.
Skipping the bonding process with my unborn child felt terribly disjointed. I am grateful that I fell in love so completely when I held him. I am grateful that my family now feels complete.
During my pregnancy with Gus we had a very high chance of losing him or having him still born. We decided to have photos taken, and even interviewed and found a photographer willing to do the photos as we were still struggling to keep Gus alive. My husband and I discussed the importance of loving him enough to honor his memory. I wish I had looked for an agency that specializes in this work, our pain at discussing our situation with photographer after photographer would have been minimized.
I cannot express how grateful I am that my son is alive, that my daughter is alive. I am also grateful that I will never suffer through the loss of another unborn child. At 29 years old I have carried 10 children in body, that is enough for an eternity.
oh. my.
but i love how you say “that is enough for an eternity”…and in eternity you shall be a mama with ten little running circles around you.
Our story is complicated! We had a loss after trying to conceive for 10 months. That was a year ago. We’re still struggling with infertility and each day we pray that we’ll add a little one to our family.
so so so hard! god is good. even when it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. thank you for sharing your heart.
I’m one of the many women whose suffered the loss of a child, and what a bittersweet thing it is. But I decided that I wanted to share my story with others, to let them know they’re not alone, to let them know that others know how they feel, and to let them know that God never leaves them in their darkest hours. We found out at the first dr’s appointment with our third child that there were problems. I carried my child for 9 months, knowing that the chances of him living were not good. It was a long, heart-wrenching 9 months. Our son, Graham, was born and we were blessed to have him with us for 5 short hours. We’re coming to the year mark this month, and one thing I know for sure is that as hard as it was to lose Graham, I’m so grateful to have him at all. Check out our full story at thelindsaychronicles5.blogspot.com
i love that you share your story to help with the healing of others. so thankful that you are not wasting your suffering. what a blessing those five hours must have been!!!
We lost our third child, a daughter, when she was 6 days old. To say that it sucked would be, well, sucky. It forever changed all of us. Here is Mina’s story:
http://andthenshesnapped.blogspot.com/2010/08/on-losing-mina.html
rachel´s last blog post ..this weeks giveaway
there is something so achingly painful to hear about a mama losing her babe like this. i’m so sorry. i hope that you can find healing and hope in this series and through the hearts of others.
Quinn – I am going to go read your blog. We have a similar story. I would love to get to know you more!
We lost of our first born, Gabriel. We found out at our ultrasound appointment at 16 weeks that he was going to die, after he was born. He had Anenchephly. I had been bleeding heavily the week prior to the ultrsound (so much so, I didn’t leave the couch at all for a week). I was afraid I was going to get to the appointment I find out I had placenta previa 0r something. I was afraid I would be told “bedrest” or “c-section”. I never imagined I would be told, your child will not live, once he is born.
The pregnancy – his life – was so bittersweet. We cherished his kicking & in utero dancing. We smiled through the tears.
We are so grateful for that sweet son & for his life on earth, while we held him. Next week, he would’ve been 6 years old, had he lived.
erin´s last blog post ..A Gift from My Mother – Real Play
i love how you describe the celebration of your sons in utero kicks and dancing. so so so sweet. so special.
I love this series that you have been doing. I think it is so important for women to talk about loss & miscarriages because it is so common & you dont have to be alone while you go through. I wish I had more people to talk with/read about when I had my 2 miscarriages. It was a very lonely time and while my husband was supportive, it just different for guys. Looking back, I am thankful for the lessons my miscarriages taught me (never thought I would be able to say that)
I blogged about my losses in 2009, here is the post:
http://thelarsonlingo.blogspot.com/2009/10/today.html
mel´s last blog post ..Cupcake Carnival- Cookies & Cream Oreo Cupcakes
it is so totally different for guys!!! don’t get me wrong, andy was great and he hurt too…but i don’t think he felt the depth of loss as i did. i think it’s so important for women to connect. this isn’t taboo stuff.
I think this is an amazing series. It is so heartbreaking to know how many people have shared the same pain :( After trying for about 1yr and not getting pregnant my doctor started ordering some infertility testing. After finding nothing wrong we did some simple steps and I got pregnant the first month! We were ECSTATIC!! We saw the little flicker on the ultrasound screen. Since it was so early (about 4wks) my doctor wanted us to come back about 11-12wks to do another ultrasound. In the next few weeks I had HORRIBLE morning sickness, but was so thankful for the baby we wanted and tried so hard for. A few weeks later one morning I woke up and felt fine..having NO idea this was not good. I had my appt a few dys later and told dr I was feeling great that my morning sickness had stopped. Her face went blank..little did I know that wasn’t good. We all went back to the ultrasound room and my husband & I knew something wasn’t right. She explained that if your morning sickness stops all of a sudden before 12wks that isn’t good. As she was moving the wand around she told us that there wasn’t a heartbeat. That our sweet baby went to be with Jesus about 10 1/2 – 11wks. I fell apart..my husband was so strong until we got home. I had to go back in a few days to have a D&C, which was the worst part of it. I still feel sick when I think about that part of it. We decided to give it to God and stop “trying”. Just 5mths later I was pregnant again with our first son! Praise GOD! We have had two more boys since. I was so amazed after losing our first baby how many people go through it and never say amything. It did give me a little comfort to know that I wasn’t alone.
Denissa´s last blog post ..Happy Easter!
there are so many people that have experienced this type of loss. and somehow no one says anything. and i think that’s awful. we are not alone in our pain. god gives us sisters in journey.
A little over a year ago, we lost our baby in the first trimester of pregnancy. It has been a hard road, but a blessed one, as I experience grief and I experience God’s comfort. Part of grieving for me was using art to express myself. Also, we gave our baby the name Ashlynn Haven which means to dream of a safe place. I can’t wait to get to our Home and dream about the day I will finally hold this little one. To see our story check out my blog:
http://lightestburden.blogspot.com/p/ashlynns-story.html
“as i experience grief…i experience god’s comfort…”
beautifully said. so hard to do, but so necessary to healing.
oh, jeannett! this series has been a balm to the aches in my heart. thanks so much.
both my losses happened in 2007. yesterday marked four years since the second. i blogged yesterday a bit about that here http://aholeistodig.blogspot.com/2011/05/in-his-time-rambling-post.html
i’ve been praying for all who have shared here, and the monies raised to help be a comfort through NILMDTS. thank you so much!! xo
psalm 54:4
behold, god is my helper;
the lord is the upholder of my life.
hannah´s last blog post ..i caught some smiles
can i just say that this comment brought tears to my eyes??? i’m so glad that this series is helping. thank you for encouraging me and praying for the voices sharing here in this space. i’m so sorry that you have lost twice…but so thankful you have found some solace here.
After three and a half years of infertility and 5 IVF cycles, I was blessed to be pregnant with twins. At 10 weeks, one year ago from tomorrow, we discovered that one of our sweet twins had passed. Our son is 5 months old now and I am so thankful for him. But, I confess that throughout my pregnancy, I was wracked with sadness over our loss, as well as guilt that my sadness might affect my sweet living baby.
Today, I look at my sweet baby boy and wonder every day what his twin might have been like. Though we never found out his twin’s gender, I strongly believe she was a girl, and we named her “Elioenai”, which means, “my eyes look to God.” This week has been difficult, to say the least; and yet, I find comfort that my sweet Eli will never know pain or sorrow, but will spend every one of her days in the presence of our Lord.
Thank you for sharing this series…it has definitely played a big part in my healing process. <3
tina´s last blog post ..naiw- you are not alone
my heart aches for you. aches. as a twin mama, i grieve alongside you. i truly, deeply cannot imagine. i’m so sorry. i love that your little girl’s name is so meaningful. love.
I am new to this journey. One month ago yesterday, on April 3, my husband and I welcomed our sweet boy Isaac into our family, and a few minutes later he was welcomed into the arms of Jesus. After dealing with infertility, we were thrilled to find out that we were pregnant after 17 months of trying to conceive. Everything was going great with my pregnancy until that weekend. I suddenly developed an infection that my body couldn’t fight off and I went into labor. Isaac was born too early at 18 weeks, 1 day. Our hearts are incredibly broken, but we know that he is safe in the arms of Jesus and that we will see him again one day.
Someone passed your blog along too me, and I want to thank you for sharing the stories of other babylost mothers. It has been such a blessing to read others stories and help in the healing process.
oh.
i have no words.
so glad that you had the stories of other women as a resource.
it can be so hard.
it can be so easy to fall away from god instead of running head first TO him.
hang in there my friend.
hang in there.
My first pregnancy ended in m/c in Feb ’07. When we conceived again the next cycle, I thought, “phew, glad I got my “bad pregnancy” out of the way.” I had a high risk pregnancy due to pre-e and a placental abruption, but in Dec ’07, we welcomed our son Seth.
While still nursing Seth, I became pregnant with twins, which we lost traumatically in October ’08 at 11w. Although cautioned by my ob to NOT GET PREGNANT until we could do testing, God blessed us with an “oops” + hpt only 6 days after we moved from Ohio to Tennessee (with a just-one year old, mind you).
At 24w, our Duncan Thomas went to meet Jesus. (You can read the entirety of his story by clicking on his sidebar pic on my blog.)
How naive I was to think one early loss would be the extent of my heartache…but praise be to my God for carrying me through, and for the knowledge that one day, I will hold my sweet Duncan again, along with his other three siblings that were taken all too soon.
heaven is going to be RAD.
i truly cannot wait.
best. place. ever.
I had a miscarriage in between my two girls, who are now 5 and 2. I was about 11 weeks along. It took me a while to be at peace with everything, but I think the birth of my youngest helped a lot with that. I was a complete, detached train wreck for the first half of that pregnancy after having suffered a miscarriage. Too fearful to care or acknowledge that there might be a baby in there.
I learned that sometimes people really don’t know what to say after a miscarriage, especially if they have no experience with them (lucky them). Sometimes those people are your family. -BUT, sometimes, amazing people come out of the woodwork who know exactly what to say or do.
I feel like maybe God has given me this experience so that I can be one of those people who comes out of the woodwork, who has been through it.
heck, i often don’t know what to say and I’ve been through it! it’s so hard. “i’m sorry” sounds trite and hollow even if it’s what you really mean. “it’ll get better” is true, but not helpful. if you have any tips, i’d love to hear them!
after several years of infertility treatments we discovered we were pregnant ~ only to have it terminated because it was an ectopic pregnancy. i had a severely damaged tube which decreased our chances of becoming pregnant naturally. we were fortunate that seven months later, our first round of ivf was successful. while breastfeeding our son (because it is as effective as birth control) i became pregnant with a daughter. they are 18 months apart and we call her our bogo (buy one get one). as difficult as it was to have the first the second was quite a surprise. several years later we had a failed ivf. god in his humor blessed with a third child when i was 41. even though we have had sadness out of it has come great joy!
sandi´s last blog post ..sunday afternoon
sometimes i feel like i treasure my three littles a little more deeply after my loss. not that i love them more, but that i realize how precarious the whole thing is.
My son is almost 6. My husband and I decided to have a baby and conceived instantly. I had a textbook pregnancy and enjoyed it in the naive way that you can only experience when you haven’t experienced a loss.
We knew we wanted 2 children and ideally we wanted 2 boys born 2 years apart. As luck would have it we instantly conceived again on the first try and my due date was just 2 years shy of my son’s birthday. The pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.
I was optimistic. I had a reassuring doctor and felt that we would conceive again. I knew that often miscarriages are the result of a defect with the baby. I felt like it was meant to be and perhaps it was for the best. That came with some feelings of guilt.
We struggled a bit to get pregnant for the 3rd time and were thrilled when it happened. Everything seemed to be going great so I was completely blindsided at 10 weeks when an ultrasound detected no heartbeat. This was a much harder loss.
I was faced with uncertainty. I feared we wouldn’t have any more children. I felt there was something wrong with me. I was afraid to even try to get pregnant again.
But we did.
I wish I could say I was happy, but I wasn’t. I was scared. I thought it would end badly and never let my guard down. I scheduled my ultrasound on a Friday afternoon assuming that it would bring bad news. I set up a week’s worth of subplans in my classroom before I left because I figured I would be scheduled for another D & C sometime in the following days.
The tech took her time and had a serious face.
She asked, “Was this a naturally occurring pregnancy?” Yes.
She asked, “Have you had bloodwork done?” Yes.
She asked, “Were all your results typical.” A sad and defeated yes.
I knew what was coming next. At least I thought I did.
She said, “I need you to look at the screen” and she pointed out the heartbeat.
I was surprised and annoyed that she had put me through that.
And then she said…”and here is the other heartbeat.”
TWINS!
Only this made things more complicated. We took a high-risk pregnancy and elevated the risk.
And then at 13 weeks we found out they were identical.
Which increased the risk all the more.
Every ultrasound (and there were many) brought anxiety. Every twinge brought fear. But alas, at 35.5 weeks our perfect identical twin girls were born. In hindsight it was a textbook pregnancy, a perfect delivery and our daughters are now happy and healthy 20 month old toddlers.
I can’t help but notice the balance in the fact that we lost two little souls and gained two little souls. While, I wish women didn’t need to go through miscarriage, I will say that I often think about the fact that we wouldn’t have our girls if it were not for the miscarriages.
Jodi´s last blog post ..Take 2
finding out there are two babes in the belly is CRAZY. crazy. and the pregnancy is STRESSFUL. i hadn’t yet experienced a loss but i was convinced that i would have something bad happen. it never did. so when i miscarried the third time around, i was pretty shocked. my body carried twins! it knows what’s up! why now?! but that’s not a question for us to ask, now is it?
These comments make me sad, there are to many women have had to encounter this heartbreak in their lives…..I wish it weren’t so, but what a great way to help women relate to one another and know they are not alone. My story, although sad in tremendous ways, gives so much hope. go here to read http://toothgirl.blogspot.com/2011/01/what-about-norah.html
it is sad.
but my hope is that we can move beyond the sad in some way and find the hope and the beauty.
that we can encourage one another and feel loved.
i’m so sorry about your sweet norah.
so so sorry.
My husband and I excitedly decided to start our family 6 years ago. We got pregnant right away and were so thrilled and thankful for the blessing of not being infertile. We excitedly went in for the ultra sound of our little one and there was no heartbeat. We lost that first baby and a little bit of our innocent joy in the process.
We were assured by my wonderful doctor that while this was heartbreaking it was also common and that we should not be afraid to try again. 5 months later we went in for an ultra sound and there was that beautiful flicker of a heartbeat. We were told to come back in a month but that things looked good. We spent that month in joyful anticipation until that second ultra sound revealed that this baby too had been lost.
Heartbroken we began some testing to make sure that there was no cause and found that I have a genetic disorder that results in a less than 50% chance of viability in any pregnancy. That brought a whole new level of grief. Not only had we lost our 2 babies but there was now a possibility of not having any. Our marriage also struggled for a period because I felt a tremendous amount of guilt that it was something with me. My wonderful husband spent a lot of time reassuring me and encouraging me that it was us…and this was our road….and that in the end there would be something beautiful. Something to encourage other people. Something to remind people of the perfect plans of our Lord.
We tried again, and lost. And tried again, and lost. And then God told us we were trying the wrong thing. It was time to stop trying. It was time for a new road. And so we adopted our wonderful, beautiful, perfect, mischievous, silly, dream of a son. And then 3 months later we go pregnant with our equally wonderful daughter.
We have lost two babies since our daughter. Both as terribly painful as the other 4 losses. However we can see the perfect story that is being written. I couldn’t see it after the 3rd and 4th loss. Those were dark days. Days that I could barely cling to a thin thread of faith. Hope was something I had given up on and joy felt elusive. But I would not trade those days or the pain that this road has held if it meant changing where we are today or the two precious babies that we have.
We are currently pregnant with our third. I will admit that it is a fight everyday for me not to be in a panic over the health and well being of this little one. It is a struggle for me to remember that God gives great gifts even while I look at the ones he has already given. I tend toward the pain. The feeling that ultimately we will lose. But I know that whatever journey this pregnancy takes us on God will use for His good.
My hope is that through my pain and my walk I can be an encouragement to someone else. It is a dark and terrible thing. There is no fixing that. But you are not alone in that dark.
I love your heart.
That you see the good.
It’s hard to see it though sometimes, right?
But it’s there.
It’s always always there.
September 17, 2010, I gave birth to my son, Ryan. For the two hours of his life, his dad and I held him in our arms and then released him to his heavenly Father. Ryan had been diagnosed with Thanatophoric Dysplasia at 19 weeks gestation and I was blessed to be able to carry him for 10 more weeks before going into preterm labor. No amount of time would have been enough and I still struggle with my grief and miss my son tremendously. But I am so blessed that I had the time with him that I did and so grateful for the moments that were captured my our NILMDTS photographer. The BLM “club” is one that no one requests to be a member of, but I have such comfort and strength from the other moms.
Jennifer´s last blog post ..Happy List Saturday
I want to hug you.
I’m so so so beyond thrilled that you had those two hours.
The sweetest, most precious hours of your entire life.
Ryan blessed the world in his two hours.
Thank you for holding through the hard weeks until those moments.
I wish I wouldn’t be a part of this club.
I joined it in March.
Pregnancy did not come easy to my husband and I.
We spent three years popping pills, doing injectibles, having surgeries, going through procedures, rushing to doctor’s offices.
Finally, last November, we had good news.
I was ecstatic. Cautiously ecstatic.
But by then, I had pretty much planned out the next 2 years.
We then got more news.
A daughter.
A precious little peanut.
We called her Magic.
Did you know that “Magic” is a recommended name on some baby name websites?
Ridiculous. But hilarious.
And, she was our magic. She brought Magic to our lives.
And, she was a bit magical.
I went in for my 24 week (6 month) appointment.
No heartbeat.
No problem.
I’m a teacher. She’s hiding. Those kids were loud today.
Nothing.
Instead, of singing to her on the way home, my husband drove me home, sobbing.
My daughter was dead.
Maggie (Magic) Ann was delivered stillborn on March 17, 2011 at 10:38 pm.
Our Magic was gone.
Now we are trying to figure out the new normal in our lives.
Baby sections, mother’s day, and “Teen Mom” have a whole new meaning.
And, we are praying for patience, hope, and peace.
Although I hate that there are so many comments on here, they bring me comfort.
I know that Maggie is somewhere, playing with a whole slug of other kids.
Kids that are anxiously awaiting to meet their mamas and dads.
Rachel´s last blog post ..Proven wrong
Heaven is going to be AMAZING.
Absolutely AMAZING.
If nothing else, my own loss has made me yearn for Heaven in a way I never did before.
It’s going to be RAD.
I truly cannot wait.
Maggie changed you forever.
And through the hurt, that’s a good thing.
I ended a bitter, abusive marriage a few years ago. My husband couldn’t deal with the pressures and stress of being a military spouse. Last year I was transferred for a spot in electronics school, and there I finally began dating again. Several months into our relationship, we found out I was pregnant. We were terrified but excited. It gave me a new sense of hope in my future after all the bad I’d been through. We told our parents, but we waited to tell everyone else, especially since we were so far away from both our families. We finally broke down around told all our friends and families at around 10 weeks, since we were on leave for a short visit at home. The next week my parents came to watch my graduation from school. I had an ultrasound appointment the day before graduation, at 11 weeks 1 day. I had some light spotting, but everything looked perfect. We enjoyed a great dinner with my parents that night and headed back early because of the early wake up for graduation the next morning. A few hours later I woke up in pain and feeling like I had to pee. Before I could make it across my barracks room to the toilet, blood started gushing out of me. Then the baby dropped out at my feet. I was terrified and confused, and I had no idea what to do. I eventually called for help, but I had to sit there, still gushing blood, waiting and watching my baby kick and move. I will never get forget that feeling of fear and helplessness that came over me as I watched my baby die, knowing there was nothing I could do. My baby was taken away from me in a bio-hazard bag and never mentioned to me again. I spent 14 hours in the hospital because they couldn’t stop the bleeding. To this day, I am still terrified of getting up to pee in the middle of the night.
Several months later, in a new duty station, we found out we were expecting again. This time we told everyone early on, hoping that having more prayers earlier on would help. Or at least make us feel a little less scared. We were due 2 days after my dad’s birthday, and since this was his first grandbaby, we were beyond excited. Last month, at 5 months, I started spotting again. We went to the ER and everything checked out fine. I followed up with my OB two days later. I was only spotting lightly at this point, but I was cramping something fierce. The OB said he didn’t see any blood on my cervix (even though it was on my thighs after the exam), and he said the ultrasound looked fine. He said the cramping was just my uterus stretching, nothing to be worried about. Everything in me told me that he was wrong, and I wanted to punch him for being stupid and insensitive. (He doesn’t have a uterus, so how can he accurately tell me what it feels like.) Four hours later, the cramping was so unbearable that I couldn’t move. Sitting, standing, fetal position, nothing made it any less painful. I felt like I had to pee so I staggered to the bathroom. Something didn’t feel right. I told my boyfriend to call an ambulance because I knew something wasn’t right. No sooner than I got those words out of my mouth, I felt something coming out. I delivered my baby boy into my hands while sitting on the toilet. He was still alive, fighting hard against the intact bag of amniotic fluid he was in. I was in so much shock that I didn’t know what to do. He lived for about 10 minutes, falling still just as the medics arrived. We actually got to hold him and have a chance to say good-bye this time, which helped a lot.
I’m doing a lot better than I expected to, considering the short time it’s been since going through all this a second time. I still have nightmares about it, and I feel out of place around other women, especially parents. People always ask me if I have children, and although I have my two beautiful babies in my heart, I never know how to answer them. We have been finding ways to help out others who have lost their babies too. Last week my hometown was destroyed by the tornadoes that ripped through the Southeast. It hurts me to know that so many of my loved ones are struggling, but I have lost myself in their relief and recovery so much that I don’t feel as much pain from my empty belly. I hate that it happened, but it has been such a blessing to have a distraction like that and an opportunity to do something that makes me feel better.
I am speechless.
I literally sat staring at the screen.
I just want you to know that while I have no words that can heal you, I know that He is the best refuge.
I realize that sounds trite, but it’s true.
Thank you for sharing.
Use your story to encourage and help others.
Jeannett, I’ve never commented before, but I’ve been so blessed by this blog. My life has been “rearranged” in many different ways, and it’s so encouraging to read others’ stories and see how God is bringing good and beauty from even the most painful of circumstances.
As a young wife, at the age of 21, I was diagnosed with severe rheumatoid arthritis. It came fast, hit hard and left me quite debilitated. As we struggled to come to terms with a diagnosis of chronic illness and worked to get it under control, my biggest fear was that it would somehow affect my ability to have kids and be a mom. Several years later, as we desired to start a family, it became clear that it was indeed going to be a challenge. Whether caused by my RA or other factors, we were unable to conceive. After four years of tests, surgery, fertility meds and many exhausting months of disappointment, we finally got our first positive pregnancy test! God had finally answered our prayers, and we were beyond thrilled. Sadly, our happiness didn’t last for long. Several weeks later, we lost our first little baby, whom we named Hope. It seemed like such a cruel joke. We felt our prayers had finally been answered only to have our sweet baby taken away just like that.
We tried several more months to conceive, but our hearts just weren’t in it. My grief over the baby we lost was so intense, and we were so, so tired of the monthly disappointment. God had been speaking adoption to our hearts for quite some time. He gave us a renewed sense of hope after our loss, but we felt that perhaps it was going to come in a different way than we had prayed all those years. We began the domestic adoption process, and on the one year anniversary of our loss (only God!) received the phone call that a sweet baby boy was about to be born.
Two weeks later, our son was born. As he was placed in our arms, everything that had happened in the past five years suddenly seemed very clear. This little boy was meant to be our son, and we couldn’t have been more grateful.
There are so many “God” things involved in our story, but in short, just about a week after our son was born, I began to suspect that I might be pregnant. It was the furthest thing from my mind, but I couldn’t deny the symptoms I was experiencing. I took a pregnancy test which immediately turned positive. An instant peace entered my heart that everything was just as it should be. Eight months to the day after our son’s birth, our daughter entered the world. I have never in my life been more convinced of God’s sovereignty and perfect timing than in the building of our family. What began with immense disappointment and grief turned into something more than we could have ever hoped or imagined. Today, four and a half years later, I look at my children and often think of our first baby, Hope. I know that God created her with a special purpose and while I won’t know for sure this side of heaven (and oh, how sweet it will be to meet her someday), I know that if it weren’t for losing her, we wouldn’t have either of the sweet little blessings who grace our lives today.
Our story so happened so quickly and so long ago that it feels strange to be writing it out.
I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. We weren’t trying to get pregnant and it happened just days after we’d found out about the surprise.
Vanessa (Brock’s mom)´s last blog post ..a week in review
Love you friend.
Sucks that it’s not always easy.
Hate that.
But love God still.
Cause He knows what’s up.
Yes. Love God still. Always. How could we not?
We had our first child in 2002 with zero complications. We assumed that when we were ready to have another baby it would happen so easily. We couldn’t have been more wrong. It took two years to get pregnant again. I was beyond excited. We found out at my first prenatal appointment that the baby had died. I had a d&c the next day. The following week we were told that I had a partial molar pregnancy. It was scary, but the worst part was being given a wait time to try to conceive again. I ended up miscarrying three more times after that. To say that I was devastated and simply beyond myself is an understatement. I finally got pregnant again and we had our second miracle in 2007. I then had two more miscarriages and then a third miracle. {I wrote much more indepth and detailed posts on my blog.}
All in all I had six miscarriages. Even now I can’t believe that we went through all of that and came out stronger. All praise and glory goes to God for that, He sustained us.
Reading everyone else’s stories are heartbreaking, I will be praying for all of you.
Danna´s last blog post ..Its a list- I apologize in advance
The first time I heard John Piper preach, he spoke on our understanding (or lack there of) of God’s ways. I’ll never forget his main point. “When God is doing one thing, He is doing a million things.”
We have 2 little girls here with us and 2 babies with Jesus. And God knit all 4 in my womb just for different periods of time. And I don’t know why. But I do know that had I not experienced my first loss, Ashlyn would not be with us. I would not know struggle and joy as profoundly as I do now. I would not be able to relate to other women who have experienced a similar loss and have honest, sincere and real conversations with them. Healing conversations. For both of us. I would not appreciate the miracle of new life as strongly as I do now. I would not have had to cry out to the Lord in prayer, dive into His Word for comfort and be reminded that my ONLY hope is in Him. “When He is doing one thing, He is doing a million things.” And I am thankful.
Jessica Johnson´s last blog post ..Cupcake Carnival
My husband and I “took the plunge” of trying to conceive after our 2nd year of marriage. Without and trouble, we got pregnant right away. There were hardly any complications. Upon our sons first birthday, we decided to get pregnant with #2. Again, we were able to conceive quickly. We announced the pregnancy on Christmas day with our families. It was such a great time, especially because my sister-in-law was about 6 weeks ahead of me. A few days later, I began bleeding. We quickly went to the ER, not knowing what to do. The baby was too small to see, so we began the waiting game. The next few weeks seemed to drag on. It was one doctor’s visit after the next. Were not sure if this was a viable pregnancy or not. It was determined that everything was fine and normal, so we went on just fine.
At my 9 week appointment, I went by myself so that my husband could watch our son. During the ultrasound the nurse practitioner was asking pretty general questions about how many children we wanted, etc. I thought nothing of it. I asked if the picture on the screen was the heart beat. Hesitantly, she said “yes”, and then she scrolled to another spot on the screen and said “and here is the other one”. I was DUMBFOUNDED. 2 heartbeats means…….TWO babies! What a shock. She determined they were identical twins. There was only 1placenta and a small membrane separating the two babies. She had me do a follow up appointment with the OB 2 weeks later to double check. He also determined the same and said we would treat it as a typical pregnancy unless there were complications later on. Our life was so exciting! Never would we have even DREAMED of having twins! I began doing all of the research, reading the books, and mentally preparing for three children!
At 16 weeks pregnant, I began cramping one evening. I warned my husband and told him that I probably should rest. That night, my 1 yr old son woke up screaming. I used the bathroom as my husband attended our son and discovered that I was bleeding. My heart sank, but never did I think that it was anything but just blood. I thought I would probably have to go on bed rest much sooner than expected. At the ER, an ultrasound was done by an OB, she said that the babies looked good and healthy and that there was no explanation for the bleeding. She called down a L&D doctor just to double check. It was during this ultrasound that our dreams were shattered. I had JUST called my parents to let them know what was going on and that the babies we doing fine. The L&D doctor asked me what the ER doctor has said. I told her that she said she saw the heartbeats and that they looked good. A weird look came across her face and she said that she needed to do an internal ultrasound. At this point, I knew.
There were no heartbeats for either baby. The next hours are ones that I would so badly like to block out. They are yucky and painful and sometimes don’t seem real. The twins were too big for a regular D&C and so they had to be delivered. I was drugged and just wanted the experience to be over with. When they finally were out, I didn’t want to see them. My husband did and said they were beautiful. I know he feels this way because they were HIS children, but I wonder if they weren’t? I still struggle with not seeing them. I regret it. Perhaps I would have regretted seeing them if I had. I’m not sure. It was such a weird experience. I was the one consoling the nurses, and my husband hardly spoke to me. The most profound thing said was by our Women’s pastor that came to visit. She said “this really sucks”. It did. It really really did. There were no tangible answers, only speculations as to what happened. I wonder if that would have helped me?
I’m not sure where I am in the grieving process now. I can almost tell people with a smile about what happened to us. I don’t know if it’s the Lord’s grace or my ability to block it out. I so desperately wanted THOSE babies. 2 months after the miscarriage, I got pregnant again. Now, I have a beautiful baby girl. There is a mixture of emotions in me. I am NEVER thankful for what happened, but I love my little girl so much. I’m just not sure that I would have her if I had not lost the twins.
Throughout this, I have been so comforted by the Lord. Psalm 34 such a tender place in my heart. Actually, the verse in this post “Taste and see that the Lord is good” has been a tremendous help. I even painted a GIGANTIC canvas with those words on it. It is displayed in my living room for all to see, only hoping that someone would ask why I feel this way. Throughout this devastation, I can’t explain how or why God is good. He just IS.
Psalm 34:18 “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” That is the only way to explain it. I was crushed. Now, I think about eternity so differently. I rejoice in knowing my babies are with their Creator. They KNOW Him. More deeply than I do, and for that, I AM thankful.
My sister had THE worst year ever last year. EVER. First she found out she was pregnant with her second child and she and I were due on the same day (yay!) Then she miscarried. She was out of work because it was a very physical thing. Her employer fired her. She was the sole provider. Then she & her husband found out they were expecting again (yay!). I had my 2nd child (a girl) in early June.then they found a cyst in my sister’s baby’s belly on an ultrasound when she was about 30 weeks pregnant-it was a watch and see kind of thing. In the meantime my sister filed for divorce to get out of a very emotionally abusive marriage. On Sept. 11 she had a beautiful baby girl named Olivia. That cyst? A partial bowel obstruction and occurs in one in 2 million babies. Usually is found at puberty because that’s when it grows and at that age it a simple surgical removal. Olivia’s was a fast grower and come December we had to let them operate to save her life. The surgery went fine but the aftermath was that Olivia had kidney/liver failure from birth that was mistaken for a side effect of the cyst pressing on her kidneys/liver. She Went into cardiac arrest 3-4 times the following day and ultimately passed away from the CPR meant to save her life-it had ruptured her stitches from the surgery and she had massive internal bleeding. My sister’s sweet 3 month old Baby Olivia became an Angel December 29, 2010. Just weeks after the divorce was final. I have guilt for having two perfectly healthy kids & a happy marriage when my sister lost her marriage, her job & her second child. :(
Kristi @ Creative Kristi´s last blog post ..Fabulous Finds Friday&124Lindsey Elise&8217s Favorite Things!
kristi,
your sadness for your sister is completely understandable. and she is hurting now, and will for quite a while. however, do not beat yourself up with guilt. be there for her. support her in any way you can. and know that tho she morns her losses, she is most likely one of the happiest people for you. I pray you will all find peace in devastating time.
your healthy children are a blessing to all, including their aunt.
hugs to your family.
melissa
Life rearranged fits our family to a T.
My first pregnancy was normal. I was just 20 and naive thinking that everyone got to bring home a perfect baby just like I did. He was perfect in everyway and he just turned 18 this easter.
My next three pregnancies ended in miscarriages. No heartbeat at the first ultrasound. The hardest part of each was waiting in the office for the ultrasound surrounded by other women with beautiful round bellies. Knowing that it doesn’t always work out that way.
The next pregnancy was a ruptured tubal that nearly took my life. We were tested and found out that one of us had what is called a balanced translocation and chances were 50/50 of a sucessful preganancy.
Sixth pregnancy misscarried again, no heartbeat. We gave up. Accepted that we would only have one child.
Started birthcontrol again. A year later we conceived our 2nd son, on birthcontrol. I was so upset waiting for the ultrasound as I just knew the tech would not find a heartbeat. I was ANGRY with the other women waiting in the room. ANGRY that they would complain about their back hurting or having to chase their other children around the waiting room. Imagine my surprise when the tech saw the heartbeat! A perfect little heartbeat. Jake, now 7 joined our family. Our family was complete and I had my tubes tied right after my c-section. On Jake’s 2 month b-day we buried my mother. I didn’t know that joy and sorrow could co-exist in such a way. I questioned my faith in God. Did he really exist and why did he punish me this way. In the end my mothers last words on this earth forever achored my faith in God.
Life went on with its ups and downs. One year then two years went by. I was happy and was accepting my losses. Comforted in the fact that my mother was with the babies I never got to hold.
Now for my sisters out there that have been through the emotional and physical fire/hell that is miscarriage or infant loss let me tell you what God can do. He can at over two after having your tubes tied bring you to your knees. You can sit in an emergency room and worry that you have developed the same rare cancer that took your mother has come to take you too. You can try to put on a brave face when the doctor comes in and just looks at your chart for a very long time in silence. Then you can rejoice when you find out that you are 4 months along and hear the best little heartbeat in the world. Yes after seven pregnancies and two boys I told God I was finished. Little did I know that he was not done with me. Will is 4 and he is truly heaven sent. He is Gods Will. After he was born the surgeon said their was absolutely no way physically that he should be here I litterally had no tubes left.
Many people say things like “well you started all over again” or “you didnt plan that well” and “did you get remarried” not knowing the years of pain we went through to have our spread out family. Now I can shrug it off, I am Amy, married to Steve for over 20 years, mother to 8, I just have to wait awhile to meet 5 of them. They are in very good hands.
Lastly one night I was down after Will was born because my mother was not here and had not got to hold him. My husband told me “She got to hold him baby. she got to hold him first”.
We had a healthy two year old boy and thought it was time to add to our family. One of my “requests” was that we not have a December baby. That time of year can get so busy and I always thought December babies/birthdays got lost in the shuffle. Anyway shorty after we started trying I got pregnant….the due date was December 9 (my husband’s birthday.) I quickly realized these things are not on my time, but on His time. Of course we were excited and I had a very uneventful pregnancy, up until the end of the first trimester. I was in the clear, right? That’s what everyone says. After a few days of heavy bleeding, it was confirmed I had miscarried. I was devasted. One thing I am so thankful for is that wonderful treatment I got from the doctors/nurses/staff. I know they see this type of thing all the time, but they were so compassionate during our time of need.
Not sure how I found your blog, but it was through someone else I follow! (Sidebars = great idea!)
I’m Kara, I’ve two children in my heart instead of my arms. DH and I lost our baby girl nigh on 3 years ago now (born 11-24-2008 at 17wks, due May 2, 2009 and we’ve no idea what went wrong). Our baby boy decided to do a U-turn and come out feet first instead of head first. It took too long for him to be born and that’s what killed him. (Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaajor lack of oxygen during and after birth.) So here I sit, blogging about how to remember my children and their legacies instead of blogging about their accomplishments and stained clothing from mudpies.
I work on an on-call basis for my employer, and have a small home business. All this ontop of living half the world away from my side of our family. (I’m in Oz, they’re stateside.) So you can imagine how much harder this is not having my flesh and blood nearby to collapse upon on the really bad days. That said, my inlaws are fantastic. Who else would be at our bedside moments after our son was born and skip out on work with a moments notice? That’s my MIL.
So yeah, I lurk around here a bit. Stop by my blog?
^ our son’s 1st birthday is coming up this June 18th, so that’s a big thing to grapple with. Blogosphere, you’ve been warned! ;)
Kara´s last blog post ..May Blog Hop – Mothers Day
Today I found the courage to share my story in a post on my own blog. I, unfortunately, began to miscarry just a few days ago at 9 weeks. I am so grateful for this space of sharing, connecting, and healing. Thank you! Here is my story:
http://www.makeitbeautifultoo.com/2011/05/beautiful-unknown.html
Priscilla´s last blog post ..The Beautiful Unknown
I became a member of this club in January of this year. What started out as a surprise fourth pregnancy ended after a series of ultrasounds at ten weeks along. Our baby had Trisonomy 16, and was a little girl who we have named Olivia Grace. The grief has taken me by surprise – not that I didn’t know I would be sad, but the enormity of it is almost unbearable at times. It hurts every part of me, literally and figuratively. I ache when I see newborn baby girls, when I hear of a new pregnancy, and when I am watching my family and knowing what might have been. I pray for peace and comfort, and hope that I can someday not hurt so badly. My greatest heartbrak is that my husband does not want to try for another baby. He is afraid and feels like our family is complete. I do not feel the same, and want desperately to be pregnant again. I am praying that our marriage can survive this, as I love my husband very much. I shared some of my story on my blog recently if anyone would like to read more.
Thank you all for sharing your stories. I am moved to tears reading about your losses. May God comfort you.
In October of 2003 at the ripe age of 18, I discovered I was pregnant. I carried my son for 21 short weeks before he was born on this earth. He went straight from my womb to the loving arms of our precious Saviour. I miss him every day. 5 months later two lines appeared on the little stick again. I was certain every minute of every day that something was going to happen to this baby, but in November of 2004 we welcomed our tiny healthy baby girl into this world. She was perfect. She still is. In October of 2010 without trying and as a complete surprise we found out we were pregnant again. Only to discover about 6 weeks later I had miscarried. Yet another baby in heaven. I love the Lord with my whole heart. I trust His plan. I trust Him. I ache daily for the babies I will never know on this earth. But I rejoice knowing I get to spend all eternity with them some sweet day.
I’ve been wanting to comment, but I had to speak in church about this very thing yesterday of all days and I wrote it all down. Here’s the link…http://makeitmyown.blogspot.com/2011/05/what-i-tried-to-say.html
I really sympathize with all of you about that loss. God bless you and your children on heaven will always beside you
van025´s last blog post ..איך להיכנס לפגישה אצל רופא בכיר
I wrote my story once. It nearly killed me, writing it. Reliving the pain of it all. I have so many regrets about losing my first son and this year it will be 10 years since I lost him.
What the NILMDTS people are doing is phenomenal and I really wish that I would have had someone like that in my life when I was in my darkest moments.
God bless everyone who is a part of this sad, sad club to be in.
Thank you Jeannett for making me feel not so alone in my feelings.
My sons story is here…
http://www.laflechemasse.com/2010/09/baby-richer-9801.html
When my third baby was born, we were suprised to learn that he had a Chromosomal Disorder. He spent ten weeks in the NICU during which time we prepared our lives for a new kind of normal. Almost immediately I began reaching out to special needs blogs in search of a new community that would understand what our new life would be like. I built up a wonderful support, and made many new friends. We spent 14 beautiful months with our baby boy, and almost one year ago we had to say goodbye. It has taken me until now to be able to reach out in search of a new community, and I am so appreciative to all of you who have shared your stories here. I can’t wait to go through and read through each and every one of your blogs. Thank you.
Heather´s last blog post ..Hes Got TalentYes He Does!
My Husband and I started trying to get pregnant in February 2009. I figured it would be hard for us to conceive, because my body had never been regular, unless I was on birth control. So we tried. And we tried. And finally in August of 2009, we went to the Dr. I had not had a period in 6 months, and I definitely was not pregnant. The Dr. that we saw put me on Provera, told us to keep trying, and if we still weren’t pregnant by February 2010, she would refer us to an infertility clinic.
Fast forward, April 2010, we get referred to an infertility clinic an hour away from our home. The Dr.s there put me on Clomid, hoping to increase the chance of pregnancy. After four months of taking Clomid (one week out of each month) we go back, and the Dr. ups my dosage. In August of 2010, I go back to the infertility clinic, to find out that the Clomid had overstimulated my body and I had produced well over 10 eggs. We had to wait all over again, wait for my body to calm down and naturally pass or break those eggs down.
In January of this year, 2011, I go back and the Dr. decides to try Follistim, an injectable fertility medicine. For two weeks I poked and prodded myself, and drove the hour to the clinic every other day. We had resolved to do ANYTHING short of in-vitro at this time in our lives to get pregnant. On January 28, I had one egg that had fully developed. Praise God! I was given a shot to induce my ovulation, and my Husband and I were told to start trying the next evening.
On February 13, I woke up at 2 am, unable to hold my pee any longer! I took a test, and when those two lines showed up, we jumped up and down and praised God for His impeccable timing. We had always said we wanted to own a house before we had kids, and we had moved out of an apartment into our own home a few months prior. We were so thrilled, we couldn’t contain it. I couldn’t sleep, so I got on google and started looking up EVERYTHING I could find on pregnancy.
We went in for our 8 week ultrasound, and the baby was completely healthy. I saw it wiggle around, we saw it’s little heart beating so fast, and my little brother was in town on his Spring Break, so he got to see the ultrasound too. It was the most amazing feeling I had ever had. On April 11, we went in for our 12 week appointment. Our Dr. couldn’t find the heartbeat with the dopplar, so he decided to do another ultrasound. No heartbeat. The baby was not moving, and had stopped growing at 9 weeks.
I couldn’t understand how this could happen. I kept asking why God had chosen to finally give us this miracle and then take it away before us. I’ll admit, I was bitter and angry the first few days. Then, we got such an outpouring of love from family and friends, it made me realize that God is still here with us. He was surrounding us and wrapping His arms around us, in the form of friends, phone calls, and flowers. My Mom flew out to be with us during that difficult time, and praise God again for His impeccable timing, she arrived three hours before I started miscarrying. We got to see our little baby, and say goodbye. And we decided to name this sweet child, even though we didn’t know the sex yet, we named our baby Kory Angel. Kory means God’s Peace, and Angel because we now have a Guardian Angel watching over us.
I believe that God brought much healing to us, allowing us to see our baby and say goodbye. He also brought much healing through the book, Heaven is For Real. Chapter 17 will make you bawl your eyes out. We know that He is still near, and we have the faith that we will be blessed with a child of our own someday. Even if it never actually happens for us, we know that God is in control and He is working His plans for us.
I am sending up a special prayer for everyone who can relate to this blog. We all are so blessed beyond measure! We have a sweet Angel waiting up in Heaven for us, waiting to rejoice with us and just waiting for us to take them in our arms. I found this quote incredibly comforting and inspirational when I went through my miscarriage a little over a month ago – “An Angel in the Book of Life wrote down my baby’s birth. Then whispered as she closed the book, too beautiful for Earth.” May it bring you some comfort as well. Love to you all!!!
i love you girl
i have had 2 miscarriages. one was between kiddos #2 and 3 at around 6-8 weeks. i didnt even know i was pregnant. the second would have been kiddo #5. we werent trying, but got blessed anyway. at my first appointment they couldnt find a heartbeat with the doppler. this was at 15 weeks, but i am not what you would call thin, and had the same problem with kiddo #4 so didnt think much of it. the ultrasound the next day was horrible. after 4 kids you get to know what a good ultrasound is and this wasnt. plus i had my 5 year old and 20 month old with me and my husband was out of town. he flew home immediately and by the end of that week we were induced and i delivered little gabriella rose into God’s arms.
as i look back, it was a horrible experience, however i have been able to help 2 other people through similar ones since. thank you for allowing this forum. 1 in 6-that is the number of pregnancies that ends in miscarriage or still birth, and that doesnt count the ones like my first who didnt know they were and may have never realized it when they miscarried.
1 in 6 is too many, but we need to support each other through it.
I love you too Mel!!! You’re amazing and beautiful and so strong!
Our daughter, Maggie, passed away two years ago this past April. I carried her inside me for 31 weeks before she was called Home to our Savior. We went in for a routine check to find that our 4th child–our only daughter–was, without warning or reason, so very still. Three days later we met our Maggie girl in the early morning hours in a dim hospital room. She was BEAUTIFUL. Our hearts have never known such devastation and brokenness. We left the hospital with shattered dreams and empty, aching arms. Maggie already had a place in our family, a nursery ready in our home. She was a desire that had been stirring in my heart since I was a little girl myself. In the days and weeks that followed, grief overwhelmed us. I found myself at a desperate crossroads in my faith–a path of anger, devastation, hopelessness, OR the road HOME . . . to my little girl and my Lord. I have never yearned for Heaven so badly in my entire life. Losing her brought my husband and I to our knees time and time again, grasping for a hope and peace that only our God could offer. My husband said something in the midst of the hurt and questioning: “Jesus is the only reason my life makes any sense.” Our Maggie’s life–though brief–was not in vain. We may never fully know why God has chosen this path for us, but He our attention now more than ever. It may not have been His sole purpose behind calling our daughter back to Him, but He, undoubtedly, had a SOUL purpose in mind. There IS purpose in the pain, redemption in the brokenness, beauty for ashes.
Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep played an instrumental part in our grief process. We cherish the photos we have of our Maggie–they hang on the wall in our living room alongside the rest of our family. My husband and I will forever be grateful for the time and talent that our NILMDTS photographer so willing donated to our family. We recently had the honor of being a part of a feature story for our local news to talk about our experience with losing a child and to raise awareness about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep in our area. The news piece and our family’s story can be found on our blog here: http://www.miskamiller.blogspot.com
Hold on, dear mamas. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.”
-Jeremiah 29:11
Blessings,
Mis
I actually just wrote a post today about the losses my husband and I have experienced, but also about the amazing blessings God has given us…
Then I found your blog. And I am so glad that I did.
Today’s post: http://thelifeofjenniferdawn.blogspot.com/2011/06/can-i-share-my-heart-with-you-today.html
When my husband and I found out we were pregnancy again: http://thelifeofjenniferdawn.blogspot.com/2011/02/im-ready-to-talk-about-it-now.html
When we miscarried again: http://thelifeofjenniferdawn.blogspot.com/2010/10/it-is-still-happy-sunday-because-god-is.html
Thanks for the opportunity to share.
Jennifer Dawn´s last blog post ..Can I share my heart with you today
I can’t wait to find a little quiet time to sit and read all of these stories. Thank you for this.
My story started as and infertility story. 4 years later it became a miscarriage at 7 weeks story. Only to be followed by a story about an AMAZING little boy who arrived 12 weeks early. For a long time I was all about infertility support which had turned into infant/pregnancy loss support, and while I still have so much empathy and concern and care for anyone experiencing either of these tragic tales, my current focus is on babies born sick or prematurely. We are very active with the March of Dimes, and my son was the ambassador child for our local March for Babies this year.
However, it does not take away the emptines in my heart for the pregnancy I lost or the anger/frustration of the 4 years struggling to get pregnant. It’s just a different way for me to channel all those feelings.
I love what you have here! It’s truly important that we have a place to go, to read other stories, to know we are not alone!
Thank you!
Sayers Journey´s last blog post ..Insta-Friday S1-E1
My story begins just five months ago. It was New Years Day and I had been experiencing pre-term labor. My due date with our first child was January 28, 2011. I had already been to the hospital twice to stop contractions. The afternoon of New Year’s Day my water broke and we headed to the hospital. Our baby girl looked perfect throughout the pregnancy and during all of our ultrasounds. I had had the easiest pregnancy and we were anxiously awaiting our first bundle of joy. Once at the hospital the doctors and nurses decided that a c-section was necessary because the babies activity was decreasing. They quickly did a c-section and the sweetest baby was pulled from abdomen. My husband began taking pictures and we both rejoiced… until they rushed our precious child out of the room. The next few hours were all a blur… my hour old child was rushed to a Children’s Hospital and later that evening diagnosed with AML Leukimia. Our hearts were shattered. The next morning (not even 12 hours after surgery) I was discharged from the hospital so I could go be with my baby and husband. Our sweet Paige had to undergo blood transfusions and much much more. Her little body was so sick and soon blood formed all over her brain causing her right side to be paralyzed. Our little fighter fought hard for three days and then her body couldn’t take any more. Paige Jordan went to be with Jesus on January 4, 2011. We miss our angel everyday and we long for the day we will be with her again!
Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep was there to capture Paige”s final hours. The pictures are something we will treasure forever. In our case we had no idea that anything was wrong with our baby. We fully expected to have a healthy child that we would bring home from the hospital. We weren’t prepared for this and NILMDTS did it all for us. Sure we had a few pictures that family took for us, but nothing like the professional pictures we received. What an amazing organization!
Hello people. I would like to share the story of my 16 week pregnancy with you all. This is quite a long story, but its important for me to share it with each of you. I’ll begin with a little background first; Eddie and I had been married for about 3 years or so when we jointly decided that we wanted to start a family. From there begins the journey…which was quite peaceful. We had been trying for about 8 months before we got pregnant. On Thursday, Jan 21st after I decided to take a pregnancy test because I was a few days late; which was no biggie for me, but I had 3 test strips in the bathroom so I figured I’d go ahead and take a test. I almost fell to the ground when I walked back into the bathroom, scared to look at the test for a fear of a big fat negative!! Well, to my surprise I got just the opposite. I was home alone so I couldn’t run and give my hubby a big hug and say, “look, look, honey were pregnant”, so I just cried and thanked God for answering our prayer and blessing us with a baby.
I shared the news with my husband, he was excited, even though he’s a pretty mellow guy, he had a cute way of showing me his excitement, but I must inform you there was no jumping up and down or screaming to the top of his lungs, that was for me to do!!! We had decided that we’d share the news with only our parents and siblings. So we did, and they were over the moon, as this would be the 1st grandchild on both sides. At 6 weeks morning sickness begin and I was nauseous every single day. I didn’t have much of an appetite and I had headaches very often and lots of heartburn. I didn’t care about how much irritability I had to deal with, I was carrying life, and that meant something so great to me.
My pregnancy was seemingly good, nothing out of the ordinary and no complications. We made it safely through the 1st trimester. I felt like I could take a breather. We’ve all heard that pregnancy loss chances decrease in the 2nd trimester, so I felt like I was good. Things were going great I thought, but it all changed suddenly:
On the night of Apr. 3, I began to have lower abdominal pain. I didn’t really know what to expect as this was my 1st pregnancy. The pain was more annoying I thought than major enough for it to be considered a red flag. The next day was Easter Sunday, and like most, I went to church. Throughout service the pain was bearable but strange. The whole day I kept wondering if this was normal. I made it through Sunday. Monday morning came and the pain had worsened so I called my dr. and he told me to come in. He checked my cervix and informed me that it was still thick and there was no dilating, he told me not to worry. I left the doc still in pain, but confident that my dr’s words were true. The pain got more and more intense as the days passed, I wasn’t getting any rest or eating much. Wednesday morning came and the pain hadn’t subsided so I called my doc again. He told me to go to L&D and they would check me for kidney stones. I got there and they hooked me up to the contractions monitor and thankfully I wasn’t contracting. One positive of that day, I found out we were having a baby boy!! OH MY GOD!!! A BOY! I knew it!!! I was so happy, but kinda bummed out that hubby wasn’t there to see him on the screen. I called him and told him, he was so happy to have his little man, finally. Doc came in later and said all the tests and ultrasounds looked fine, and he thought my bowels were obstructed b/c my abdomen was distended. I found this strange b/c I wasn’t having any problems with bowel movements. He told me to take laxatives and stool softeners. I left there, still in pain, but optimistic and confused at the same time. Thursday came and I was still in pain, and hadn’t been to work all week. I found myself in the ER later that evening, the doc was horrible, I explained to him what was going on throughout the week, he didn’t perform any tests, he just told me I was constipated and gave me an enema and more laxatives. I didn’t have any proof of anything else being wrong so I didn’t even know how to express to the docs. I felt I had to take their word for it.
Friday rolled around and the pain had gotten so bad, it was beginning to become unbearable. Friday nite I noticed a small amount of blood in my urine so I called L&D and explained to them what was happening throughout the week, and the nurse told me I was miscarrying and I should go to the ER asap! That startled me of course, but I ran and got E and told him what she said. We went to the ER and were able to get seen fairly quickly, thank God. Once I got to the hospital I begin to bleed more and I was having contractions (I didn’t know at the time). The nurse was able to hear baby Tre’s heartbeat and it was 126 b.p.m. I was so happy and I just knew everything would be fine. I felt like hearing the heartbeat was reassuring that everything would work out. The ER doc did all kinds of exams and after the exams I begin to bleed very heavy and my water broke, I had no idea what it was and the nurse acted as if she didn’t notice it and walked out of the room. Finally the doc came in and told us that my cervix was thinning and I was dilating and we were miscarrying and there was nothing else they could do for us. I just couldn’t believe he was saying those words. He wrote me a prescription for pain meds and sent us on our way.
Even though my water had broken and I was having contractions it never registered that I would lose my son, I was so hopeful and sure that he would survive. On our way home we talked about how tired we were and how we couldn’t wait to get some rest. When I got home I felt the urge to urinate, I did and that’s when I gave birth to my precious baby boy. I sat there thinking this was a dream, it had to be a dream, it wasn’t really happening and I didn’t just give birth in my bathroom toilet. I screamed for hubby and he came to my rescue, placed a towel over my legs and called the paramedics. They took us back to the hospital and the doc performed a d&c. I was released from the hospital 3 days later after loads of pain, and so began life without my baby boy.
Josh and I got married on April 18, 2009. We both knew we wanted to start trying for a family right away. However, I also had a feeling that we would have some trouble achieving that goal due to irregular menstrual cycles for most of my life. I had been on the Depo Provera shot previously and it had taken about 18 months for my cycles to become regular again after that, so in preparation I took my last shot in April of 2008 which should have at least given us a jump start on getting back on track.
A year later, when we got married I still hadn’t had one single period. We decided to just try it on our own for a bit and see what happened. I thought, maybe it was stress or something and tried to find relaxing things to calm me down some.
Eventually, another year had passed and still nothing…(I am a very impatient person), so at this point I decided to contact my OB/GYN. I made an appointment to speak with her to see what she suggested we do. In April 2010 I had my appointment and she wanted to have me tested for Polycystic Ovarion Syndrome (PCOS) which in short causes you to have cysts on your ovaries that will not allow you to ovulate, or in some cases you may ovulate but it can be months apart. The tests came back and it was confirmed that I had PCOS and Insulin Resistance. Insulin Resistance is when your body makes insulin, but it doesn’t use it correctly.
From there she put me on a medicine called Metformin which is to help control your Insulin levels. As for the PCOS, she said we would try a pill called Clomid which is supposed to stimulate egg growth. For a follicle to be considered mature enough to be a good egg, it needs to be between 18 and 20 mm. On the first month I was so excited to have one reach 14mm, but then it just disappeared. For the next five months we tried the Clomid, increasing my dose each month but we never had any success from it.
She gave me the option to continue with the Clomid, but she didn’t feel as if it was going to work and felt that we really needed the help of an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). A friend of mine that I worked with had gone through all of the same issues and referred me to her doctor. I set up an appointment for a consultation with him for a day in October 2010. Josh and I took off work to meet with the RE and we both really really liked him and felt comfortable using him. The only thing standing in our way now was money. Infertility is an extremely expensive issue to deal with, but when you want children so badly and know that’s the only way to get them you will do anything.
He gave us an estimate of how much to look at based off my labs and the route in which he wanted us to take which would be injections. I was just as nervous about the shots as I was the money because I have an absolute fear of needles. So with the help of savings, family, and a loan we were ready to get started.
In January 2011 we ordered all of our medicine to get started. I was excited, anxious, nervous, and happy all rolled into one. This is what I had been waiting almost two years for and it was FINALLY here within arms reach. However, I also was also hesitant to get too excited as he told me that I had about a 30% chance of getting pregnant on the first try. That was a punch in the gut.
The first few days of shots were the hardest. I only had to do one a day at that point which was to be injected into my thigh. I had to have my friend who had done it before talk me through it. The first day it took me 10 minutes to administer it, the second day 7 minutes, the third day 3 minutes and finally on the 4th day I had the hang of it and it was just like I had been doing this all my life. Then it happened all over again whenever I had to start doing two shots a day. The second one had to be injected into my stomach. That one only took me a day to get used to. It didn’t hurt at all and looking back now I was crazy for thinking it would, I have plenty of “cushion” to poke around at.
I had to go to the doctor’s office every other day while on the shots for blood work to check my levels and an ultrasound to check my folliciles. I started getting very discouraged after a while though because they were growing VERY slowly and I was running out of medicine very quickly. If we had to quit and start all over it would be FOREVER before we could save that amount of money again. The doctor was upping my dosage every day because we only had two weeks to get to where we needed to be or we would have to cancel the cycle, so we had to order one more vial and then my sister ordered one for us. After those were gone, so was the money so I went in and told the nurse that we would have to quit this cycle because we couldn’t afford any more medicine. They were so kind, they gave us some samples that they had in the office, (about $800 worth of medicine for free). It was such a blessing and low and behold we got where we needed to be just in time.
I had four follicles that were of mature size, but they didn’t think that all of them were eggs due to how low my estrogen levels were. I was to take a pregnancy test two weeks after ovulation and if it was positive then I was supposed to go back to the doctor that following Monday. I was actually supposed to test on February 19, but as I mentioned earlier I was not blessed with a whole lot of patience. So, on February 15 I tested before work and it was positive!!! I was beyond ecstatic but I also kept reminding myself that the “trigger shot” (to make you ovulate) contains HCG and that’s what pregnancy tests detect, so it could have just been from the shot. So, I tested everyday after that and sometimes the line was darker and sometimes it was lighter, so all I really did was mess with my own head.
We had planned on waiting to see what the doctor said on Monday before we told anyone the news, but that weekend on the 19th (my should have been test date) we told both of our parents. They were beyond thrilled. It would be the first grandbaby on my side of the family and the 6th for Josh’s side.
Monday came and I went in for my pregnancy test at the RE’s office. They did a blood test, so I had to wait all day for the results. That afternoon the nurse called me and confirmed my pregnancy. She said my HCG level was 537. I remember asking, “So, how many are we thinking?” She told me they thought maybe two but we would just have to wait until the ultrasound the following week to be sure.
On March 1, we had our ultrasound appointment. Josh couldn’t take off of work so my mom and sister came with me. We saw two sacs, but only one had a baby in it. They told us to come back in a week for a follow up to see if we were having twins. Of course we immediately told everyone it was twins though. The next week my mom and I went back for another ultrasound. As soon as they began we saw three sacs and all three had babies in them!!! The RE was a little worried about baby #3 because he was so small but the ultrasound tech said that all of their heart rates were right where they should be and that she felt pretty certain all three of them would be okay. So in a week, we went from maybe having twins to definitely having triplets. I cannot even tell you the emotions that overtook me on that day.
For the next five weeks I continued seeing my RE on a weekly basis for an ultrasound to check on the triplets. Everyone was doing perfect and I hadn’t had one bit of morning sickness which surprised everyone considering that I was carrying triplets. The only pregnancy symptom that I even had was fatigue…ALL.THE.TIME. during the first trimester.
At 10 weeks my RE released me to my OB/GYN. I was so sad to leave them because I loved their whole entire staff and I knew that I would never be back because our family was complete. Over the weekend before my first appointment with my new OB we had a major scare. I had started bleeding and it was a lot for me, so my mom brought me to the hospital to be checked out. It was our lucky day because it just so happened that my new OB was on call that weekend so that was our first meeting. I really liked her a lot. She was very reassuring and kind. They did an ultrasound and checked on all the babies and they were all fine, she told us that up until that time my ovaries were supporting the babies, but now the placentas were taking over and that can cause bleeding. Whew!!! We could breathe again. She put me on bedrest until I saw her on Thursday and by then we were back to normal so I was taken off of bed rest.
Once we made it past my first trimester we celebrated with a “Thanksgiving Dinner” in April at my mom’s house. I still couldn’t believe that I was pregnant with triplets and everything was going perfect. My OB wanted to monitor me closely so I saw her twice a month and a high risk pregnacy doctor also known as Maternal Fetal Medicine once a month. Life went on normally for us. My mom came to every appointment with me and we would go shopping each time after the appointments and of course we had to buy baby stuff every chance we had.
We had decided early on not to find out the sexes of the babies so everything we got was gender neutral. However, if there was something really cute that was boy or girl specific we would pick that up too because we assumed we would probably end up with at least one of each. I was not so secretly hoping for two boys and a girl, and was pretty certain that I had them all picked out as to which would be which. I had decided that Baby A and B were both boys and that Baby C was a girl.
We knew the babies would come at least a month early, so my aunt who was hosting the shower decided to make it really early on June 18 so that I would still feel okay enough to put stuff up and shop for whatever else was needed. We had all of the big stuff already, my other aunt had purchased the cribs for us, my friend was buying our car seats and my mom had bought a glider for us. And throughout the whole time we had been buying clothes, diapers, blankets, crib sheets, and crib bedding sets. One Saturday Josh and I, along with his parents and my mom went to Babies ‘R Us and registered for the few small things we still needed.
Everything was going along just great until my 18 week appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine on May 26. My mom and sister came with me and we watched the babies move around on the screen and I thought I had even gotten my confirmation that Baby A was my boy. We laughed as Baby B and Baby C kicked each other in an attempt to make more room for themselves. We had already made plans to go on our regular shopping trip when we got finished with the doctor. After the ultrasound tech was finished measuring everything, the doctor came in to take a look. They looked at my cervix and that’s when our day turned upside down. The doctor told us that my cervix was opened and that I needed to go to the hospital right away to be monitored for contractions. The hospital that I was going to deliver at is one building away from the doctor’s office, but they are connected. So they wheeled me over to Labor and Delivery and that’s when I lost it. Those three words felt like a knife in my heart…LABOR AND DELIVERY. I wasn’t supposed to be here until at least September.
The nurses hooked me up to a machine to monitor me for contractions. After about 3 hours my OB came to the hospital and I wasn’t having contractions so she told me to prepare myself for a surgery in which they put a stitch in my cervix (a cerclage) to close it back up. I was TERRIFIED now. Not only had I never had any kind of operation but I hadn’t been in a hospital since I was born. I was having surgery the next morning at 7 am, so they gave me a shot to try and strengthen my cervix which I would get once a week after that and medicine to help reduce fluid from pushing down on the cervix.
My mom stayed with me that night and the next morning at 6:30 they came in and got me for surgery. I was terrified, they didn’t even give me time to hug my mom or tell her goodbye. I had already faced one of my biggest fears the night before in getting an IV put in, but then I was supposed to get an epidural for the surgery which really had me freaked out. My OB must have known that I was going to flip out because at the last minute she told them to use general anesthesia. I found out later that was because she actually had me tilted vertically with my feet in the air so that Baby A’s sac would move back up and she didn’t puncture it. When she came in to perform the procedure I was crying so the last thing I remember was her praying with me and then when I woke up we watched the babies on an ultrasound and everyone was perfect. Thank God we had caught it in time and were able to save my babies lives.
After surgery she told me that they would monitor me over the Memorial Day weekend and I would be able to go home. After surgery I was put on complete bedrest and even had to use a bed pan. That was horrible and lasted over the weekend. I had such a wonderful support system, though. My family was all there and the staff at the hospital was great. I was being monitored very closely and they checked the babies heart beats at least six times a day. When my OB came back in on Monday she was going to let me go home but Maternal Fetal Medicine and one of the nurses was pushing for me to stay in the hospital. However, she did allow me to start using a bedside toilet rather than a bed pan and that made my stay a little more tolerable. I knew it was for the best that I stay at the hospital because since I still felt absolutely perfect, I knew I would end up stretching my limits at home, I was just sad about being away from my animals. We only had to make it to 24 weeks for the babies to be viable, but 29 weeks was our real goal.
Luckily I was fortunate enough for my mom to be able to take some time off from work and stay at the hospital with me around the clock. Josh still had to go to work since he is the only one working and didn’t have any vacation time. Mom and I would stay up late and watch TV and just hang out all day. It was so nice to have someone with me, although I knew that eventually she would have to go back to work and I dreaded that day. We were going to make a countdown calendar and on that Tuesday I made 19 weeks, so we only had seventy days to go!!! And even better, my OB gave me permission to take a five minute shower!!! This would be a piece of cake now that I could get out of bed to go to the bathroom and be nice and clean.
If you know me, you also know that I HATE taking pictures. But I promised mom that she could take some pictures of me and the belly one day after I took a shower and felt better. I was hesitant to let her on that Tuesday because I really wanted to have at least a little bit of make up on, but now I’m glad I didn’t put up a fight about it because at around 4 pm things starting going down hill. The nurse had just left my room after checking the babies heartbeats and they all sounded great and were moving and kicking each time she would just about have it. Every single nurse/ultrasound tech who saw/heard our babies on the ultrasound or doppler commented on how active they were. After she left, I got up to go to the bathroom and noticed there was a little bit of fluid in my underwear.
We called her back in and she called my OB and the doctor on call from Maternal Fetal Medicine. The doctor on call came over after what seemed like FOREVER and did an ultrasound to check the babies fluid. We were so relieved and happy when he said that all the babies fluid looked great and so did the babies. They were moving and heartbeats were great. He said that my bladder was very full and maybe I was leaking urine, gross but I’ll take that over amniotic fluid, right? So we went back to my room and laughed at how stupid they must have thought we were to make a big deal and it ended up being nothing. We got supper and then got settled in for the season premiere of The Little Couple.
In the middle of our show, it happened again…but much worse. By this time of course there had been a shift change so I had new nurses. We called them in and explained the situation from earlier and they did a test on a strip for amniotic fluid. She said that it was kind of iffy on what it was because it was supposed to turn a royal blue and she didn’t think it was as dark as it should be. When it kept happening though, they took a sample using a Q-tip and sent it off to the lab. That was the longest forty five minutes ever. It was definitely amniotic fluid. She called the doctor on call again but he wanted to wait until the next morning to do another ultrasound because he believed it to be a very slow leak. I was also FREEZING that night and couldn’t stop shaking even with three blankets on, but I didn’t have any fever and normally I am always hot, so that was unusual.
We never made it to the next ultrasound. Wednesday, June 1 I woke up around 7:15ish with excruciating pains. Josh had already planned on coming up there for the ultrasound and just go into work later, so he was there and they told the nurse what was going on. By that time my OB had gotten there to check on me. She drained my bladder using a catheter and tested my urine and confirmed that I had a horrible bladder infection. They told me that I was having bladder spasms and that is what was causing the pain. They put my IV back in and started me on pain medicine and antibiotics for the bladder infection. Then we listened to the babies on the doppler and as usual everyone was perfect, so Josh went off to work and the ultrasound was cancelled since they thought they had the problem figured out. The pain medicine was supposed to also help me rest, and each time I would doze off I would wake back up in tears. We told the nurses that the medicine wasn’t helping so they switched medicines to something stronger. When that still didn’t ease the pain I ended up on morphine and was still hurting.
I felt the urge to get up and go to the bathroom and I felt something pass. I knew what it was, but I was in denial…I couldn’t look and I felt like if I didn’t look that it wouldn’t be true. But I delivered Baby A on the toilet at 9:55 am. All of a sudden there were all kinds of people in my room. It’s kind of a blur but I specifically remember two doctors and maybe four nurses. They rushed me over to labor and delivery for the second time since I had been at the hospital, but this time I knew the outcome would be very different. Mom called Josh and he was back on his way to the hospital (Thank God he happened to check his phone since he isn’t even supposed to have it at work). I was having contractions very close together and they were very painful, by the way kudos to anyone who chooses to deliver without medicine. They gave me and epidural and then the pain finally eased. I remember hearing my OB say that she could feel Baby B and that the sac had ruptured and I knew then that there was no chance of saving any of my babies. Baby B was born at 11:00 am and Baby C came at 11:05. All I remember was looking up at Josh and telling him how sorry I was.
They asked me if I would like to hold the babies but I said no. I was terrified of what they might look like. Josh held them though, and after he assured me that they looked perfect I gave in. I didn’t want to have any regrets and not be able to go back. I had a chance to hold them and talk to them and kiss them. They were beautiful and so angelic. Ironically they were exactly what I wanted…two boys and a girl. And we even had them matched up perfectly…I guess there is a such thing as motherly instinct.
It was all so crazy with people in and out, it was like a revolving door. After some of the family went back to my room and some more staff cleared out though the nurses gave Josh and I a chance to be alone with the babies for a while. We had to make some very big and important decisions in that time. For five months we couldn’t agree on names and we picked out all three of their names and they weren’t even any that we had discussed before, but I feel like they fit them perfectly. Baby A was named Joshua Kyle, Jr. and he was much like my husband in that he had to take one for the team and come out first to let us know that there was a problem and to protect his brother and sister. Baby B was named after my grandpa and my dad and for anyone who knows my dad you will know that he is a jokester and prankster and always up for fun. My grandpa was the same way and so was Baby B, he NEVER let anyone get his heartbeat without running away a few times first. Baby C was named Audrey Jo…Audrey was Josh’s grandma and Jo is after my mom. The women in our family are definitely fighters and so was little Audrey. From the day we found out about her she was the smallest and always measured a week behind her brothers, but by the time she was born she had caught up with them and even passed Robert up. Later I found out that she actually took her last breath in Josh’s hands. She had Robert had both lived for 14 minutes after being born. It absolutely amazes me the strength that our babies had at such a small size. They were some little fighters all along and we couldn’t be more proud to be their parents. However, I was very upset that they said Joshua Jr. was stillborn even though I know in my heart that he was alive when he was born, there just wasn’t anyone around at that time.
The nurses in Labor and Delivery were great though, we had some amazingly small gowns that probably wouldn’t have even fit a baby doll donated by an organization called Threads of Love that makes baby clothes for such instances and also preemies in general so they did the babies feet prints on teddy bears for us and then cleaned them up and dressed them in their gowns and took pictures. It means so much to know that we have everything of our babies that we possibly can from their short time on this Earth.
We also decided to have the priest from Josh’s family’s church come to the hospital and bless the babies. That was a big compromise for me to make since my family isn’t Catholic and at first I was dead set against the babies being baptized Catholic. However, I am SO glad that we had them blessed. I felt very much at peace after that and their priest was amazing. He was very laid back and respected the fact that my family isn’t Catholic.
The hardest decision though was whether to have the babies cremated or bury them. In the end we chose cremation only because we don’t know where we will be buried at and we both felt that at the end of our time the whole family needs to be together. I wouldn’t be able to rest knowing that they were somewhere other than with us…and if we ever move they will be with us. It was just the best choice for our family.
After the worst day of my life, I just wanted to get back in my room and go to sleep, but part of Baby A’s placenta was still attached to my uterus so I had to have a D&C to get everything out. That was my second surgery in a week. While I was in surgery though Josh had some alone time with the babies. I know that is something he needed because he is such a private person. After the D&C I was finally able to get back into my room. I couldn’t sleep though because besides having way too much on my mind, I had nurses in and out all night giving me medicine, taking my vitals, and taking blood to check my white blood cell count. This went on for the next two days. Finally on Friday I was able to go home.
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do to leave my angels at the hospital knowing that this whole time we had planned on coming home with three babies. I knew I had to call the funeral home immediately so that we could bring them home as soon as possible. When we got home, my family was there and had cleaned the house for us. It was so nice to be back home. I called the funeral home and set up an appointment to meet with them on Sunday because it would have just been too hard to go on Saturday. Saturday my aunt and cousin came over and brought us some delicious homemade food from the garden which was awesome since we had been eating out for the two weeks before that. Then Josh’s family came over for a visit later that evening.
Sunday was a day that we both were dreading. You just aren’t supposed to ever have to make arrangements for your children. Especially not at such a young age, and three at once. Under the circumstances though, the funeral home staff were the nicest people you could ever ask to deal with. They were so helpful and so patient with us while we made decisions and walked us through something we had never been through before. Josh and I had to sign for the babies to be cremated and Josh wanted to do it in the correct order, Joshua Jr., Robert, then Audrey. The man helping us told him to number the pages and they would do everything in that order. They assured us that they would take great care of our babies and I knew they meant it. I felt okay about leaving them there. They told us that we could come pick their ashes up on Tuesday and that there was someone there 24/7 since I had expressed to them that I didn’t want to do that alone and Josh didn’t get home until later.
My mom also took off the next week to stay at my house with me since Josh had to go back to work on Monday. It was good to not be alone. We tried to stay busy most of the week and run errands and get everything taken care of that needed to be done. It also helped in keeping my mind off things.
Tuesday evening after Josh got home from work, I knew I wanted to have my babies as soon as possible so we got back in the car and went to the funeral home to pick them up. Mom and I were going to bring their gowns to the dry cleaners the next day because Josh Jr’s had some blood on it. However, when we looked in their boxes they had for them, the funeral home had cleaned and pressed their gowns. They went above and beyond and were absolutely awesome. I was so happy to have our babies home with us where they belong.
The support we’ve had from our family, friends, co-workers, and even complete strangers has completely amazed us over the past few weeks. We know without a doubt that we definitely want to be parents more than ever now, so we are going to try again in the future as soon as we get the go ahead from my OB. I am hoping that maybe the D&C may have “reset” my reproductive system and we’ll be able to get pregnant on our own, but if not I know a great doctor who can help. I thank God for all of my family, but especially Josh. He has really been my rock and made me look at things from a different perspective. We still have a roof over our heads, we can still have babies, we have our family, we have each other, we are blessed. I know there are hard times ahead especially during holidays. Since the babies, we have already had my birthday and Father’s Day and both were extremely hard just because it wasn’t the way I had this pictured since I found out I was pregnant. I was still supposed to be in the hospital miserable because I had to be in bed, but I just have to look at it as the man upstairs has a plan for us and we just have to wait for it to unfold and see what’s in store.
Today I just try and take it one day at a time. Some days are better than others and like I said before, I know it’s going to always be like that. We will never forget our angel babies and their future brothers and sisters will be told all about them and we will celebrate them as often as we can. I’ve always heard people say it’s amazing how you can love someone you just met more than you love your own self and now I know that feeling and it’s awesome. It’s also amazing to me that three babies so small could teach me more than any adult ever could.
I wrote about my miscarriage here. http://notmyownlife.blogspot.com/2011/02/blessed-be-your-name.html
I never thought this would be a party of my story – losing a baby – but it is. I think so many women find comfort in trying again and holding that new baby that somehow overshadows the loss of another. I struggle with the fact that we decided not to try again and I daily wonder what it would be like to have another baby, yet know that I won’t. I praise God for the gifts that He has given and trust that He knows what is best for our little family.
These stories of mother’s and thier loss are so full of healing for me. Even though I am not a mother who lost, my pain and sense of loss is great. I am the grandmother of an angel baby. My first grandchild, Mikie, was stillborn at 35 weeks. It was the hardest thing in the world to stand by and see my daughter and son in law broken. We miss our Mikie. We are coming up on the a year since his birth, 9-26-2011. I know that God has a plan and this precious gift of our Mikie is not gone, nor forgotten.
I’ve had two loses…
My first loss was my first baby. I was young, 23. I was so excited, everything was progressing normally.
At 23 weeks gestation I started having horrible cramping.
I called the doctor, she said it was probably dehydration and to lay down and drink lots of water.
I did that… the pain kept coming.
Harder, stronger, I was so confused. Totally not thinking I was in labor. So naive.
As I was in the bathroom crying from pain my water broke and burst out.
I was shaking.
Realizing quickly what it was we went straight to the ER.
I still had to go through the check-in policy and I was so ticked.
I was bleeding and my water broke… “aren’t your concerned for this baby?” was my thought!
After getting “settled” into my room the nurse treated me as normal as possible.
I’m not sure if that was to calm me down or what, but I was getting annoyed that people didn’t seem as worried as I did.
When the doctor finally came in (it was a new doctor to me… one I had never met) he talked to me about all the scenarios that could happen…
He then checked to see how far along I was progressing. He was surprised and said I can feel the baby’s feet and you are ready for delivery.
I had such a whirlwind of emotions.
What?… I’m only 23 weeks… What will the baby look like?… Will he/she survive?… I haven’t even done my birthing classes… How do I push?…
It was an out of body experience.
As I started pushing the doctor informed me that the baby had no heartbeat.
I was devastated.
The baby got stuck and had to be “helped” out. It was absolutely awful!
The moment it was over the doctor pulled the baby up and said it’s a girl… the words I so longed to hear in a different situation.
A normal birthing experience.
Not this hellish nightmare that I was going through.
He laid her on my chest and I held her. I cried like I had never cried before. My husband cried. We wept together for our sweet baby girl.
Caylin Grace
July 1, 2003
1 pound 7 ounces
12 inches long
The doctor’s told us that it was a fluke and it would most likely not happen again. We eventually got pregnant again and it started to happen again. They caught it in time, but this time I delivered a 24 weeker… she survived and now lives with cerebral palsy. That is a whole other story!
My second loss happened just two months ago.
I was pregnant with my 5th child (only 3 living).
I was scared because my baby had not even turned one yet.
I was slowly getting excited to add to our clan and hoping for another little boy for my Levi.
The week of Caylin’s 8th birthday/anniversary I had an ultrasound.
I went in she scanned me.
She found a little heartbeat and said the baby wasn’t measuring quite what we thought.” Maybe you just ovulated a little later than what you thought?” I said…”probably that’s actually happened to me before”. They sent me for blood work anyways just to make sure. I found out on July 1st (Caylin’s birthday) that this baby was no longer growing. I was so heartbroken. Wondering why God was having this awful news come on such a bittersweet day?
I tried to stay strong…
The doctor wanted me to keep getting my hormone levels checked to keep an eye on what my body was doing. They told me that I would miscarry within a week or so. They wanted me to try and do this naturally because the baby was so small. He said it would be no worse than a period.
20 days later I started spotting. I had lots of cramping and then lots of bleeding. It was awful.
It was NOT like a period.
I went to bed. I woke up the next day feeling better. After all it was Levi’s 1st birthday!!!
About an hour after I woke up the bleeding got worse… the cramping was virtually unbearable.
I called the doctor and he said to go to the ER.
I went and found that I was hemorrhaging and it was not good…
We’ll just leave it at, I ended up spending 8 hours in the ER that day.
It was hard emotionally and physically.
I missed my son’s first birthday and lost my baby in the same day.
Thanks for giving us this outlet to share our stories!