some lives, though short, profoundly change the world and leave a mark on our hearts. for moms who have lost a child, their hearts are forever marked by love. this beautiful necklace was created in collaboration with angie smith who lost her baby girl, audrey caroline.
One of the most amazing things about this little blog of mine are the amazing emails from YOU.
Women sharing THEIR stories with little ol’ me.
I love them.
Each and every one of them.
And I want to share them all.
Each and every one of them.
I often feel like a treasure trove of beautiful stories.
So much hurt and loss. But ten thousand times more beauty and glory.
One of my visions for this corner of the internet is to cultivate a community.
A safe place where you can share your own version of Story.
A place where other women can be encouraged. See that there is hope.
See that there is beauty.
So here is where ALL of you come in…
P.S. This means you have to come out of those lurking shadows. Ahem.
Have you been touched by infant loss/miscarriage in some way?
Have you been blessed by the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation?
Share your story here.
In this post.
In the comments.
Please consider encouraging one another.
Showing grace to those walking the hard road right now.
Loving on those who’s feet are calloused from the journey.
Share your story.
{No. Really you guys. Comment. For real. It’s good. I promise.}
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Thought some might gain some joy from this new video/song released by Johhny Reid. A friend of mine co-wrote the song and it is very touching.
As an unfortunate member of this club, I can only say it does get easier to deal with, but never goes away. I had 4 miscarriages, one tubal pregnancy, and three live births. I know these trials have made me a more compassionate person. We each grow from our trials and we know that growing causes discomfort – growing pains? May the Lord bless you and keep you, may His face shine upon you, and give you peace.
http://blog.country.inmusic.ca/2012/02/new-johnny-reid-videofire-it-up-watch.html#.TzM2MJk6IIF.facebook
August 5, 2013 is the day I would have met my baby but at 12.5 weeks a missed miscarriage was detected along with no heartbeat and a baby that measured at only 9 weeks. All appointments prior were perfect and blood work came back normal. My stomach swelled a touch and I even pulled out my maternity pants for comfort.
At first our doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat and said it was fine, not to worry, and he would see if the ultrasound tech could fit me in. She was cold and didn’t talk much to me. When she called my husband in room I was optimistic that she would turn the screen towards us and point out the little blinking heart but instead I asked, “is something wrong with my baby?” to which she replied, “well, I can tell you this, there is not heart beat.” Cue. The. Sobs. She asked if we wanted to see the baby and after some deep breaths my husband said it was my choice and I chose to look. There, on the black and white screen I see the tiny baby; lifeless inside my body. The rest of the appointment is a blur but a D and C was scheduled for the next day and so we went home to mourn the loss of someone we would never meet.
The D and C was pretty routine, or so I hear. I was in a twilight sleep of sedation during the procedure but my doctor told my husband that there was a lot of dark blood and matter when they completed the procedure. I interpreted this as the baby had died many weeks prior. The physical pain was a lot to bare though they told me it wouldn’t be bad. I couldn’t deal with the emotional side until the physical subsided. Six days later I returned to work and had to explain to my students the reason why I was absent. I had shared my good news with them the same day I was supposed to hear the heartbeat. I was into my second trimester, stomach expanding, morning sickness gone and no bleeding or spotting; I had every reason to believe I was still pregnant. It was a tough day but slightly cathartic and who knew high school students could be so empathetic. Each day there after got easier but I still mourn.
I still silently mourn and day by day I hope and pray the pain will lessen but it doesn’t, though it doesn’t grow any more consuming. August 5th will be here soon enough and I can only pray that our baby, the one we never got to meet, is protected by those who no are longer walking with us on Earth but rather watching us from heaven.
Wow. I can’t believe it has been 6 years since I lost my 26 hour old Aaron Daniel to ARPKD, a rare recessive genetic disorder. Then, I can’t believe it’s been 5 years since I lost my Isaac Daniel to 3 month miscarriage after CVS to avoid the genetic disorder. Then I can’t believe it’s been 4 years since I lost my 3 hour old Evan Daniel to the same rare genetic disorder after believing lighting couldn’t possibly strike 3 times in the same place…. Well, through it all I had support for family, friends, faith and love. That’s what gave me the courage to go through Invitro Fertilization, a costly special pre-implantation genetic testing, and all to have my beautiful twins, Ethan and Emmie who are perfect! I spent a month in the hospital and they spent another 3 in NICU but that is a small price to pay for this big win!!! I love them so much and adore them. I live each moment with them knowing the blessings they are. They will be 3 years old in 3 weeks! Thank God.
I still celebrate my angels birthdays with a balloon release. I cherish the unbelievable photos taken by NILMDTS and share them with the students that I speak to each year at the hospital genetic counseling program. I cherish so much the memories I had with my babies before they went home to heaven.
Some days I cry like it was the first day after they passed. Some days I laugh and joke with them in my own way. Many days they give me signs that they are with me and supporting me. I still feel they are very much a part of my life and they are just on the other side supporting me.
I guess they have been on my mind more now since the holidays are here. Also, my husband and I who have been together through it all, have decided to divorce after 13 years of marriage, and 20 years of dating….. I can’t help but think all we went through as a couple was just too much for us. We dearly love each other but just lost that spark and went our separate ways. We both feel at peace with our decision though and now that we just want to be the best parents to our children even if being divorced is part of it.
I have never written about my story and really don’t know why I chose to tonight but I’m really glad to have a venue to do so.
My best to all the women who have or will suffer the loss of a child. No matter how young or how old, misscarried, still born, neo-natal death, or not, it is your baby and you deserve to grieve and feel that loss.
As for me, it has made me who I am. A strong, faithful woman who believes all things happen for a reason if you are willing to see through the darkness.
In love,
My name is Jennifer I am happily married to a wonderful man & I have two beautiful boys. One is 16 and the other just turned 3. Family is important to both of us we wanted kids from the start if it were up to my husband we’d have house full of them. We planned to get pregnant for the 3rd time on the very first try just like before expecting nothing different. I had saved every baby & maternity thing I owned from my last son. We had everything in place we were excited not once did it cross our minds that a miscarriage was even a possibility.
But there I was 7 weeks along drying off after a shower when I saw a few drops of blood. Of course I was worried this never happened with the boys. I didn’t have cramping but I was scared I googled everything I could find waiting for husband to come home to be with our son so I could go to the ER. The Dr there told me nothing it’s to early to see a heartbeat this is normal go home then see your Dr in the morning. My Dr greeted us with sincere apologies telling us how sorry he was for our loss. We were confused. The baby stopped growing at 6 weeks this sometimes happens he wasn’t worried considering my last pregnancies that we could have a normal pregnancy the next try. We made the appointment for a D&C the next day. My body on the other hand thought I should start going through labor a few hours before surgery. My poor husband was at a loss while I was on floor in excruciating pain. They allowed me to come in earlier to give me something for the pain. Surgery went well we were sent on our way with no baby but with hopes to try again. There were tears & there was letting go of the life we had already pictured for our bundle of joy that we wouldn’t be. Later came the anger looking for support of coping with this type of loss & finding people still treated this like a secret you whisper about. No one wanted to talk about it when all you want is to know there are other people out there going through the same thing feeling the same way.
We were told we could try right away. No need to wait I’m in perfect health & I’m emotionally ready. We were excited in a few short weeks we had come to terms that yes this happens with 1 in every 4 pregnancies. The chances of this happening again were very slim. For 7 months we tried with no luck. Dr thought something could be wrong but every test & ultrasound came up normal. He didn’t want us to wait any more he gave us the option to take Femara to help us on our way. We weren’t expecting it to work the first cycle but 4 pregnancy tests can’t be wrong?
I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to see those two little lines after so many failed attempts. Yay we are back to building our family! The three year old is begging for a sibling he even tells me to take babies he spots in public. It’s a wonder the cops haven’t been called. We try not to get to over excited we are still afraid. Almost 8 weeks in I have light pink spotting. I think it’s happening again. Call the Dr I’m told this is normal since I would have had a period about this time. Relax we will see you next week. The due date for the first loss comes & goes. That next week was pure relief to hear our baby’s heart beat. It’s strong 170 I’m secretly hoping for a girl after all these smelly boys.
Dr is happy with baby everything looks great we set the next appointment to do the required genetic testing since I’m 35 even though we don’t care what the results would be. We are so relieved to see & hear that heart beat! We still haven’t told very many people bc we were playing it safe. I see a cute idea on Pinterest I spend hours making a chalkboard with perfect lettering for the 3 year old saying “I’m being promoted to big brother this September” I take him on a photo shoot at the park we plan on posting the pictures on Facebook to surprise family & friends. He’s so excited about being a big brother it takes less than 10 mins getting the perfect shot. A huge win for us since we have a very active boy. We wait until our next appointment the following week to surprise everyone. Still playing it safe.
I notice pink spotting yesterday morning I’m almost 12 weeks but I assume it should be period time so I don’t panic. I call Dr they think the same thing tell me to relax we will see you next week. I try to take a nap once I get crazy toddler down but I have slight cramping & I get up to blood. I wait for hubby to come home so I can get the the ER to wait alone. Again. I know it’s not good it’s not pink any more it’s blood the cramps & back pain is getting stronger. I’m having contractions. They get me in pretty fast for an ultra sound even though there is a 4 hour wait to be seen. Baby doesn’t have a heartbeat anymore. I’m devastated I’m trying not to loose it I’ve done this I’ve been here before. The ultrasound tech is sweet she answers my questions even though I know she’s not suppose to. I’m put back in the waiting room to see a Dr but I really want to walk out I want to go home to be with my family I don’t want to do this alone. I decide I should get some pain pills first I remember clearly all the pain I was in the first time so I wait I text hubby the news. I text my girlfriends bc I’m feeling alone I feel like people are judging me while I sit there & cry. I twist my legs around each other I grab on to the chair arms bc I’m in pain but I cry for my baby that has died.
I finally get in a room now I get undressed & wait for an exam. I know this drill they want to check my cervix. I’m sitting in a huge pool of blood waiting. I think this isn’t right this didn’t happen last time. I apologize to the nurse that comes in & I clean up myself as much as I can I feel like she shouldn’t have too. I can’t say sorry enough I’m embarrassed. Dr can’t give me an exam there is to much blood & matter for him to see he even used forceps to clear the way there’s to much. He leaves in a hurry to try to get a hold of my Dr my Dr isn’t on call he’s at home with his own family. I feel dizzy I know I’m going to pass out but I will myself not to. How will they call hubby do they have his number on file? I breathe like they taught me in Lamaze class from my first son. I can do this. My blood pressure drops my heart rate drops the poor nurse is freaking out but trying to not let it show. She tilts the bed so my feet are in the air hoping to get blood to my brain she is calling the Dr & other nurses back in a panic to help.
In walks my girlfriend. Yay. I don’t have to do this alone. In walks another girlfriend they make plans with their husbands to take over kids so my hubby can get up there too. I’m hemorrhaging. The Dr is worried I can tell & trying to get me back into emergency surgery as quickly as he can. There is a major surgery going on right now but they can get me in right after that. They also get a hold of my Dr & he is on his way. My hubby gets there as they are prepping me. In walks my Dr rubbing my feet telling me he’s sorry that we are going through this again. He does this all with true sorrow all though I’m sure he deals with this type of loss often. He tells me the baby only measured 8 weeks & 4 days. I’ve had full blown pregnancy symptoms up until this day. I’m upset I went along happily planning our life with our baby & didn’t know. My dog didn’t even know he still followed me every where protecting me in his own way like he does with every pregnancy. It’s blurry. I felt so much support right then my dearest friends are there my loving husband is there my Dr who didn’t have to be was there. I’m so glad my Dr is there I feel less likely to die on the table. I just want to cry but I want to be strong for everyone who is there. I swallow down the tears. I can cry later.
To tell you the truth I’m pissed. I have a Dr’s apt set up for next week. I heard my baby’s heartbeat at 8 weeks it was strong everything looked normal so why am I going through this again? I just made announcements & I was finally ready to share with everyone our joy. My 3 yr old is excited he wants a sibling so badly. I failed him. Again. I planned to paint his old crib dresser & rocking chair. I just ordered a bunch of cute dresses to make me feel better about being fat. I have a baby name list saved on my phone from before we were even pregnant the last time I’ve added to it. Last week I even packed up all the clothes I couldn’t fit into for the next year. I live for being a mom why is this happening why is it such a shock & why does it hurt just as bad?
I would love to tell you I had planned all these things bc I was just so excited but I’m a planner this is what I do. I was happy but I held back I didn’t feel safe not after what happened last time. I was afraid every day. I checked for blood at every trip to the bathroom. I held my breath at every cramp. I kept track of every odd feeling on my pregnancy app. Still all my fears of what happened the first time came crashing down on me in an instant. I’m hurt & I’m angry I feel like this shouldn’t have happened. I read up on the percentages I know they were high for this not happening a second time. A friend just texted me for my address I know it’s for a baby shower. I don’t want to answer her just yet. I just want to focus on the loss of our baby I want our baby’s life to matter. I know no one can feel that way but us it was just tissue to everyone else it wasn’t really a life to them. There aren’t fond memories for others to look back on. I can tell you when every child of mine was conceived I can tell you when they were due when they were born & when the two died. I can’t remember other important dates just theirs. I didn’t name our lost babies. I didn’t know what they were & I feel like it would hurt even more if I did know & had named them. It still hadn’t kept me from planning our life with them in it.
I don’t know how to move on from this point. It hurts. I feel broken & I feel like I have failed as a mother to protect her children. I let them down in some way. I want answers. I don’t want to hear this was meant to be. I don’t want to hear this is god’s plan. I want facts. Show me. I just want to know why so it’s easier for me to come to terms with everything. I don’t want so many “what if’s” in the way. My sister in law is having her baby today. I am excited for them they are going to be great parents. I love her like my own sister. There’s just a cloud there. She found out she was pregnant a week after we lost our first baby & now she is having her baby while we loose the 2nd. It’s hard & it has nothing to do with her it’s just the timing of it all. This was something I wanted to share & be beside her in but instead I’m grieving for my own loss. I feel like a horrible person for even thinking about our loss when I should be over the moon waiting for my niece to come into this world.
I am so tired of being strong for everyone else. No one will fully understand my bond with a child that I grew. I love them with every thing I have the moment those two lines show up on a stick. It’s ok to fall apart sometimes. I deserve it. I lost a part of me with both of their deaths. I’m heart broken. It hurts me just as much as it would losing one of my sweet boys in a tragic accident. I’m the mother so of course I feel like that I can’t expect other people to feel the same way but in a way I do.
I don’t know what I should be doing. I don’t know how to recover from this. I want to curl up in a ball & not leave my bed for awhile. I cry for no reason at silly things I got upset with hubby last night for falling asleep. He’s tired from taking on our energetic toddler & me by himself. It’s not that I wanted to talk about it I just wanted him to be right there beside me as we watched mindless tv I wanted to not feel alone. I know from the first time this will go on for weeks. The hormones, the headaches, the cramps, and your body going back to pre pregnancy state it’s all a bit to much while you are trying to grieve for a baby you never met or got to hold in your arms. I was told by someone the last time at least you have two healthy sons I hated to even hear that I know it’s true & I love my boys probably a little to much I’m a crazy mom but it doesn’t keep me from hurting any less for the ones I lost…