I have always known I wanted one thing. To be a mother. I watched my mother stay home and raise us, and I wanted nothing more than to be a stay-at-home-mom just like her. Growing up I loved all things girlie… baby dolls, barbies, pretend shopping carts and just about anything that made me feel ‘mommy-ish’.
Life has a way of doing it’s own thing though. In a perfect world I would still not know what the heck a blog was {seriously}, probably not have much to do online in between being a wife, teaching, mothering two babies under two and keeping house.
Today I am all too familiar with the blog world, thanks to the brilliant and beautiful Carly, whose blog I found shortly after we lost Jenna.
And today I am still a mother to two. Except the world is anything but perfect.
I wish I could say that it all makes sense now and that I see the greater purpose. I hope that post exists somewhere in the future. Today it still doesn’t make a lick of sense, and realizing ‘purpose’ in the whole thing just feels like flat-out betrayal.
BUT…
Yes, there is a but. In spite of everything I have witnessed amazing love. It all started when God’s people banded together to pray over her while I was still carrying her.
Amazing love.
And then I went into hospital bed rest for two weeks and got the best treatment a woman in antepartum could ask for. Cookies, movies, books, a huge “get well” banner to decorate my hospital room made by my art students, McDonald’s chicken nuggets and milkshakes. Some tried to convince me that I could think of it as a vacation from my hectic life. Ha!
Amazing love.
May 5 happened and we became parents overnight. Some of the best medical staff we could ask for {including Dr. Jen Arnold– I lie not, at the time I didn’t know who she was} swarmed over our baby girl, doing everything in their power to give her a chance at life.
Amazing love.
Fast forward a few months and I find a whole world of mothers who lost a world too. Some more than one. For months and months and months {and even to this day} my husband would bring home packages and letters from the mailbox… sent from around the world to let me know I am not alone. Jenna is remembered.
AMAZING love.
And then two lines happened again. Eight months of denying anxiety and surpressing fear, guilt and grief raced by. Our beautiful miracle, our very own rainbow made his entrance. A miracle preemie weighing in at 7 pounds, 5 ounces.
AMAZING love.
And on top of it all, I get a super {no I am not exaggerating… ask anybody that knows him IRL} SUPER happy baby. He smiles at any face, anywhere. His whole face just lights up at complete strangers. His bubbly personality attracts people everywhere we go. {sidenote- he totally does NOT get the whole ‘bubbly’ personality from me!}
Do you see a pattern of amazingness going on?
To say that I have always remembered all the amazing love that God has allowed into my life would be nothing short of a big fat lie. It sure helped to bullet point these though. God has been good. There is so much to be thankful for.
* * * *
See, didn’t I tell you she’s great?!
I loved the honesty.
How she admitted not knowing the whys.
But loving anyway.
Praising anyway.
So so so cool.
Along with the series of posts, we also fundraise for the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Foundation.
NILMDTS provides free professional portraiture to families still grieving in the NICU.
Please consider supporting an organization that makes a very tangible difference in the lives of families across the country.
Even $1. Truly.
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Fran such an awesome post as always! You’ve seen some of our NILMDTS pictures and I treasure them with all my heart. They are priceless. Thank you so much for all you do for the baby loss community! You are just so fabulous mama and little Jenna and Bubby are so very lucky to have you! And you’re right that little boy is so happy all the time! Such a sweet baby!
I’ll definitely be donating for NILMDTS as a part of this blog series! Thanks for sharing!!
xoxo
Natasha
Natasha´s last blog post ..Happy List Saturday 10
Thanks for sharing. Sweet Jenna. She was blessed to have your for that short time on earth. And your son is adorable.
First I want to say that this website is SO cool! Amazing how much money you’ve managed to raise. Great post! NILMDTS gave us some beautiful pictures of our day with our son. We are incredibly thankful to this organization. I will be making a donation, and sharing on my blog as well. I hope we can surpass the goal!
Been on the lookout for some trendy pieces of clothing for our daughter,
it seems fashion for those the fives and under is very seriously lacking
style!
baby carriers´s last blog post ..baby carriers