Yesterday Jilly had a neurologist appointment.
At 7:30 a.m.
At a doctor’s office an hour away.
As I got dressed, I was annoyed.
Super annoyed.
I didn’t feel like going.
I was just. plain. peeved.
Soon, that feeling turned to outright ANGER.
It probably didn’t help that this is the time of year when we have one, two, THREE different agencies performing lengthy assesments in the coming weeks.
Besides, the day before the mailman brought with him the bill for Henry’s last cardiologist visit.
Ugh.
I was angry that I even had to be doing this.
Angry that I had to take her to a neurologist.
Angry that while my friends were either still in bed or lounging around in their bathrobes, I was getting dressed to drive an hour to take my kid to a medical specialist.
Angry that I knew that this visit was going to result in a whole lot of nothing.
Because really…what can a neurologist DO?
They can’t really CHANGE her brain.
She can’t wave a wand or prescribe Jill a magic potion.
So, I was going to drive 60 miles in the wee hours of the morning for someone to look at my baby, say she looks great, and then drive 60 miles back. (p.s. exactly what happened).
As I ran a flat iron through my greasy hair (because let’s be honest, I wasn’t gonna shower for this)…
tears unexpectedly fell.
I was so surprised to see my reflection crying.
Where did *that* come from?
I was mad, not sad.
I was past being sad.
I’m used to this whole thing, right?
I had moved beyond sad…I was at angry and annoyed.
Apparently not.
As I brushed my teeth, I just kept crying.
And I stood there: brushing, crying, and confused.
The tears came on their own with no prodding.
And I realized:
I will never get used to this.
I will never be okay with taking my children to doctors that most other kids will only memorize for their Health class final.
My mama’s heart will always anguish at the thought of my kids needing specialists.
On the drive I immediately turned to K-LOVE.
I needed the Gospel.
I needed the Good News.
I could feel Bitterness’ ugly fingers wrapping themselves around my heart.
So I blared Christian music from my stereo.
Sang along loud.
And let tears fall behind my sunglasses.
Both for my little girl and for the abundant Grace I am given.
For as often as I cringe at the uber cheesyness of their slogan…”Positive…Encouraging…“
It’s true.
Sometimes I just need to be brought back to a place where I quit focusing on my own wretched self.
I need to remind myself that every single thing that comes to me first passes through the loving hands of God.
In case you missed it: *loving* hands.
Look, I know that maybe I’m being dramatic.
I know that I am blessed beyond measure.
I know that so many other mama’s would downright scoff at my kids’ medical issues.
I got off easy.
I was reminded of that as I left the neurologist’s office and watched a mom unload her 10 year old son…strapped to a wheelchair…hardly able to hold his head up…hands twisted unnaturally…
I felt guilty for crying earlier.
I felt ugly that I was so angry at my lot in life.
Because that mom would have my head.
On a silver platter.
But then I thought: no, no…she probably wouldn’t.
Because you know what?
It doesn’t matter.
We are all mothers.
And we all love our children fiercely.
Even if their “issue” of the day is a standard run of the mill fever.
Our hearts break for their little uncomfortable bodies.
We want to scoop them up and take it all away.
Even if we know that it’s just a silly fever and they will be fine.
It’s just how we mamas are wired.
Our hearts are inexplicably tangled into our children.
And for as much as I love my babies…
it’s unfathomable to think that God loves them more.
He love ME more.
I have never been so thankful of anything in my life.
Because by all accounts I suck.
Truly.
{p.s. doc says Jilly looks great. Wants to hold off on an MRI. Says she has a really mild case of CP that if she had to guess: “when she’s 20 no one will ever know that there was anything wrong in her early years. Just super delayed hitting milestones. She might have trouble with fine motor skills…like handwriting…but it’s only going to get better from here…even if nothing changes, this is the worst she will ever be. If somehow she’s not walking by 2, then we might have to look at some other things, but I don’t expect that to happen. Come back in 3 months.”}
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it does get easier-it does suck any less, but you’ll start to feel stronger. it’s kind of two steps forward, one step back. the lows don’t go quite as low with each valley. you’re doing a great job with jill and all the others. make sure you get time to yourself. make sure not to plan to much when you have emotionally draining visits. take a friend with you if you can. it’s so much less lonely. know that you are loved. and you are precious. and sometimes life stinks, but there is so much more beauty. love you.
I think we can always do that talk to ourselves, about how our pain, our problems aren’t as bad as so and so, so I really shouldn’t be complaining. But for you, and from your perspective, your pain is your pain and you don’t need to justify it or compare it to others pain. I was watching the news this morning and I too got mad at myself for being so wrapped up into a stupid problem I ran into in the last couple of days, and watching the news and all the “real” problems in the world made me feel so little. But God gave us hearts to feel, and break, and get angry for a reason. Not sure I’m making a lot of sense…anyhow, thanks for this little reminder today.
.-= Andrea Howe´s last blog ..Bubba, the Cowboy =-.
i want to encourage you–not sure how. so, i’ll just send you a “virtual” hug. how’s that for cheesy? :)
Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability. Worship and singing was exactly the right thing for you to do. You are such a great model for your babies.
And praise God for the good report from the doctor!
Love you all.
you made me cry girl! Not often for me when reading blogs. thank you for sharing each moment of your morning. I have so felt that way so many times for different reasons. We do want to “scoop them up and take it all away” – we’re moms ♡
.-= Krystina Montemurro´s last blog ..Font of the Week… =-.
No words. Just hugs. And a smile for Jill’s prognosis.
That is AWESOME news about Jill!! I am so happy for you and her. I loved how you said “inexplicably tangled.” Wow. That is exactly how it is for most of us moms. I’m so sad for those babies and children out there who don’t have a kick-$&% mom like you!
.-= Mari´s last blog ..Dental Heaven =-.
Thank you for this post. I am currently trying to get pregnant myself and am really touched by your blog. Also, I have been sitting in the bitterness of life’s icky moments and trying desperately to crawl out. Your post is a huge reminder and help in shift in perspective for me.
God Bless,
Shannon
.-= Shannon´s last blog ..Random Revelation =-.
thanks for your honesty and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your “drama” I guess because I am so like that too. Your kids are so sweet; my heart just MELTS when Jilly focuses those GORGEOUS HUGE blue eyes on me. Our family is dealing with mental health issues (autism, aspergers,post traumatic stress disorder) which are SO VERY HARD to explain to most people because you can’t SEE ANYTHING wrong. Love you, girl!!
Praise God for the good news with Jill!
I can’t imagine how difficult things must be with all that you’ve been through. I’m glad we have the Lord to turn to.
I love KLOVE too and sometimes it’s the only thing that gets me grounded during the day when I start to feel overwhelmed in my thoughts. Hope today’s been a better day for you! :)
.-= Veronica´s last blog ..A party planning we go! =-.
Sometimes I think we need the tears… to help wash away the muck that can accumulate. It’s healthy… and totally understandable. You definitely should not be feeling guilty for them… we all have our moments and I think you are amazingly strong. Thanks for sharing.
Okay, this had me crying.
Thank you for the reminder that everything that happens first passes through the LOVING HANDS of GOD. Amen!!!!
Love ya & will be praying for sweet Jill!
.-= mel´s last blog ..My Birthday Weekend =-.
It’s okay to give into moments of weakness and anger. Why? Because then we don’t hang onto the negative, frustrating stuff. God knows we have all those feelings. He doesn’t want us to bottle it up inside, because He knows it’s not good for us. He wants up to us let it go and turn to HIM!
Finding the bright side is about JESUS! The bright side is there, it just takes a little searching sometimes. He’s there through the laughter, tears, sadness, and joy! Here’s a quote from one of my other favorite bloggers “hear His voice saying, “it will be ok, it’s alright, we’ll get through this!” That’s a gift He gives to us.
I get it. I understand. And from a mom with one son with Cerebral Palsy in wheelchair, one with CP that walks with crutches, and two daughters without CP…..I will tell you that no matter what the future holds you will love love love that sweet girl and help her reach her full potential. And yes, you will probably cry a bit along the way.
.-= Carol´s last blog ..Poolside musings… =-.
Pseudo-big sister hugs being sent your way. I had some of the same issues with my daughter, she had really mild stuff compared to what you are going through (couldn’t turn her head left, caused skull flattening, head growth up the wazoo), but for me it was awful because that was my child and no matter how mild it was, it was awful. And there is nothing wrong with my kid other than she’s not really hitting her gross motor skills on target. And really, when I get down to it, nothing is wrong with that, either.
But our mama hearts are super fragile and here we are.
Thanks for being so open and honest. Your kiddos are lucky to have you for their mama.
xo
c
I loved this post- the realness of it all. I’ve been there SO many times. I agree with what Lisa wrote- you’ll still have down times but the lows won’t be so low. For me sometimes I just get triggered and the tears come (for the record, I’m not a crier- it takes a lot for me to cry). I don’t know if I ever get used to being an autism momma. It’s changed my life in every way- both WAY good (perspective changes, unconditional love,etc) and NOT good (fighting with providers and schools, 40+ hr of therapy a week for 5+ yrs). But we have our own kind of “normal” in our house now.
And congrats on the news- sounds like she’s going no way but up from here. Awesome!