I’ve written hundreds of blog posts. Maybe even thousands.
But a few seem to stand out for me. Not so much because they are eloquently written, but for some reason, I remember them. The words, the thoughts, how my heart ached as I typed in the dark of early morning.
The one about buying a pink doll stroller for Lucy’s first birthday.
It seems to have burrowed down deep into my head. And heart, really.
I distinctly remember gulping hard and asking, hoping out loud, “we can get Jilly a stroller for her 2nd birthday, right?”
Because at her first birthday, she still wasn’t even so much as sitting up on her own. She wasn’t even strong enough to hold a normal sized baby doll. So she got a miniature one instead. And the thought of her being strong enough to walk seemed light years away.
And her second birthday came and she still wasn’t anywhere near ready for a plastic doll stroller.
And then her third birthday, still none.
And her fourth.
Birthdays always felt like heavy reminders. When suddenly I was hit with the reality that, yeah, Our Normal isn’t Everyone’s Normal. And my cute pig-tailed girl really does have special needs. Because lots of times it’s just what we do. I almost forget.
And that blog post, but really that question, when would she get her very own doll stroller, haunted me. Lots of times, but especially at birthdays.
The thing is, for a long time we’ve kinda figured she would walk eventually.
Therapists and medical teams all felt fairly confident that someday, and in some capacity, she would be walking. It’s just that no one really knew when. Or to what degree. Would she be able to walk for short spurts and then need assistance? Maybe just in the confines of her home, but need a chair or crutches or something in public? No one had that elusive crystal ball I had begged God for on several occasions.
“Dear God, I almost don’t even care what the outcome is (well, you know that’s a lie…because God), but can you tell me what it will be? Just so I can prepare myself? So I can know? I’ve never been one for surprises. I’m not even going to be picky about it. I just would like to know what I’m in for. Love, j.”
I still feel that way about her speech. About what her adult life will look like.
But we didn’t always know. She’s our little mystery. Because we were warned that she might have profound, round the clock needs. In fact, at one point, I was told she would likely need orthopedic surgery.
Or, nothing at all. She might be fully typical.
Or, well, anything in between those two extremes.
Which is a super un-fun range to work in. In case you were wondering.
As parents, every day is a guessing game of sorts. Even now we don’t know what 21 year old Jill will look like. Well, we know she will be DARLING, but will she go out for drinks with her girlfriends and I’ll hold her hair back and we’ll talk about moderation? Or will she have a quiet night of cake at home and a Disney movie? Or anything in between.
So this year, for her fifth birthday, I decided to buy her this shopping cart.
It wasn’t quite a doll stroller, but heavy and made of metal, it was sturdy and wouldn’t tip over when she leaned her weight into it.
And she could put a doll in it.
That’ll do.
She’s been taking a few steps on her own for the last few months. One here. Three there. Maybe ten wobbly ones if I held my breath and didn’t let her know I was watching. I figured the shopping cart would be stable enough for her to push.
And then we moved into this house. This photo was taken barely a month ago.
This house that feels like home. “Jeannett, I know we’ve only been here for 6 weeks, but I feel like we’ve been here forever. I don’t feel like I’m coming to a new place. I feel like I’m Home.”
This house that feels like it was built special just for us 12 years ago. We just didn’t know it yet.
And within DAYS of moving in, I would look up to find my girl walking across the living room.
All the way. A little wobbly, but all the way.
I would hold my breath. Try to watch her out of the corner of my eye. Afraid to jinx it. Like when you play pretend with an imaginary friend and you get caught.
And within a week of moving in, her walker was parked, what turned out to be permanently, in the corner.
And Girlfriend was hauling. All around. From one end of the house to the other. In the front yard. In the backyard. On the carpet. On the grass.
Sure she loses her footing sometimes. And if she goes too fast, she might get a little ahead of herself.
But She Walks.
In fact, I’ve folded up her walker. It’s in the closet.
We went out of town this weekend. AND WE DIDN’T TAKE IT.
WE DIDN’T TAKE HER WALKER WITH US ON A TRIP.
Last week, I had to go to the hardware store. I hesitated at first. Reached to put her too long legs into the cart seat.
But you know what? Now was as good a time as any. It would always be inconvenient.
Being a parent is inconvenient.
So I let her walk. I had no idea what to expect. I wasn’t sure how far she would get. If she would get tired. If she’d get scared.
She walked.
The whole way. The whole time. She even wandered off and got lost. No, really. I panicked. BECAUSE SHE’S FAST.
And when I found her, two aisles over looking at bathtub parts, I laughed. BECAUSE SHE GOT LOST. Because she could get lost. Because she was independent. Because she walked.
I have so many thoughts swirling in my head. Directions I want to go. Things I feel I need to say. But for now, I’ll end this post with video.
Please don’t miss the hugeness of this task most of us take for granted.
This was the first time in her entire life she had experienced shopping like this.
She had never seen aisles and products and shelves from this vantage point. Nor with this level of freedom. Or with her knees getting jammed into the seat made for infants.
Watching these videos…even just from one week ago…she is so much steadier and quicker. Everyday is a noticeable difference.
I’m so proud of that girl.
I like this. A lot. A lot. A lot.
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It must feel like a miracle every time you watch her walk – so amazing. :)
I have followed your blog for quite some time. How long? I don’t remember for sure. But I remember you lamenting over bedazzling skater shoes for Jilly what seems like forever ago.
I have tears in my eyes watching her cruise the aisles.
What a gift.
It’s been SUCH a journey.
And I love that about blogging.
To share that journey. Not just for the sake of sharing, but also for the mama’s on the road behind me. Unsure of what their path will look like. Chances are, it will look different than mine, but I think it’s good to show that just a matter of months can be night and day difference.
This is why I so love you and your blog. We are on the road behind you. But the theme I get from this place time and time again is hope!!
Such a gift to your family. Such a gift to her. God is good.
This makes me so happy. You can tell that girl is going to give you a run for your money! (literally!)
My 7 year old just asked why I’m practically sobbing at the computer, so I told him Jilly’s story and showed him the videos and he said, “That’s amazing, Mom!” And it really is. I’m sure your Mama heart is overflowing. God sure had his hands on your family with a move out of nowhere and Jilly’s progress at the new digs. I love that she pointed to the Gerbera Daisies. They’re my favorite! Great taste in flowers, girl!
AHH love it!! Go Jilly, go!! A beautiful gift of mercy. So many similarities in our girls. The full spectrums of what could bes and the one day at a times. A celebration with cake is in order, yes?! Praying and believing for girl talk :)
Oh, just sitting here…at my desk…crying. This is BIG! :)
I am just trying not to cry right now. This is so beautiful.
She Walks in Beauty… you’re home, Jeannett! And I agree. Cake is definitely in order. Love you lots
Amazing and thrilling to watch your sweet Jilly walk unaided. Praise the good Lord above. I love seeing that girl go!
That is so awesome! My grand daughter Ellie just turned one, she can sit up but, we have no idea when she will walk or even roll over or crawl! I think it’s harder when they are twins and we see what their twin is doing at that birthday. Her twin Blake is into everything! We love our Ellie just the way she is! You have a very beautiful family! I just love seeing the progress your Jilly is making!
This is HUGE, Jeannett!! So happy!
I can’t even. It’s just beautiful and inspiring and straight awesome. As a momma of a child with a different set of special needs, I can so identify with your mommas heart. And, although walking is not our “issue”, Jilly’s progress is such an encouragement for our own. Thank you for laying it all out there, for being vulnerable and sweet and unsure. You and your family are an encouragement and a blessing.
Shawna
Oh my goodness. I sit here with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face. Way to go Jilly. How precious she is.
Sounds like a perfect day for cake!
Bawling my eyes out. Thank you for sharing this.
Love….that….girl.
Your posts never cease to bring a tear to my eye. God is so good!! ALWAYS! There are so many things we take for granted just because we’ve never had to experience certain things. I am silently cheering for her in my seat! I am excited for her because I know this is just the first of many milestones she will conquer!!
Fist pumps and whisper-squeals of *yessss!*
This makes me so very very happy. Happy tears!!! :)
Have touched my heart<3
Thank you so much for sharing this!! This made my whole day brighter!
I’d like to know who didn’t cry when they watched Jilly cruising around looking at plumbing parts. She not only walked, she stooped, straightened up and continued her walk, not to mention the great balance and control! I’ve been in love with this kid since the day I set eyes on her! Your other three ain’t too shabby either! Thanks for sharing, Jeannett!
This is amazing, brought tears to my eyes! Jilly is a Rockstar!!!
Just happened to find your blog today. Makes me glad and thoughtful to read your story. Having four kids and knowing a little on how daring it is to love and care for a kid with problems from friends, I am very much impressed by your strength in and attitude to life. It takes courage to share so deep a story, thanks for having it and all my best wishes to you and your family. Have a lot of happy days walking through life. –b
This. Made. My. Day.
Thanks for sharing! Praise God!
This gives me chills!
Go Jilly! I bet you are in awe every time she walks. And, how do you not buy that sweet girl everything in the store? Be proud, Mama!
Cue confetti cannons! Way to Go!
So blessed! Just hold on tight when she gets to the Girls and make-up dept. :) she’ll be a LaLa Land! :) she is just adorable and love seeing her progression! So many take life for granted and this makes you just want to stop and smell the roses (or Gerber Daisies)!
There is only one word……AWESOME!!!!!
Three words Jeanett,
love, hope, joy.
Hope sprang from the others.
We rejoice with you! I agree with Carl, #25, “confetti cannons” and I would add fireworks, everyone’s favorite foods, and hundreds of family and friends laughing and dancing and praising God.
So awesome!!!! Just amazing. So so happy for both of you!!
I read your blog and have been for awhile now. I just started, about a month ago, working for the NYS OPWDD office and I am helping families get modifications on their homes for their children. It is an amazing place to be and to be able to help out in such a small, but also huge way, to make life a little easier for the child, for the families, I feel blessed. Your Jilly, simple put, beautiful. This post, it will stick in my heart. GO JILLY!!! Keep on walking!
Tears. Absolute beauty.
Elation! Tears! Happy Happy Day!!!!! SO SO big and exciting. Yea for Jilly!!! So much more to come. Thank you for sharing your big news. SO happy for you, Jilly and your family. :)
A beautiful, joyful post. Thank you for sharing!
This made my heart smile. I still stop by your blog once in a while. Definitely my favorite post. God IS good. You go girlfriend. Show the world what God does. Miss you guys. Congrats on your house. 8)
:O :D YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY JILLY!!!!!!!!! *happy dance*
Happy tears !!! YAY Jilly ! Love that she can explore !! So awesome ! The bending over is my fav.
Watching these videos is watching a dream come true. We have that same dream for our little guy, who shares so many of Jilly’s struggles and is just getting into a walker at 4 years old. Thank you so, so much for sharing Jilly’s journey. It provides the encouragement we desperately need on dark days to keep our heads up and keep pushing for a brighter future.
i can’t even.
Aww, that is so amazing!
Jeanette,
That is wonderful and amazing. I have been reading your blog for a couple of months and you are incredibly inspiring. My infant started having seizures so reading your experience has been warming to my heart and my niece has cerebral palsy and walking is an incredible challenge. I am sitting at my desk at work and tearing up at what you wrote. Your words and the way you put them together is wonderful.
Thank you,
Stephanie
Oh my goodness!!! Huge, that is so huge. and so AWESOME, and so way to go girl! And so way to go momma! And so my eyes are watering, worth celebrating. Oh such a happy day, oh so every fun.
I read your blog regularly but have never commented. Your family is so precious, and I am so happy for Jill!
Right there with you… I remember when Al.ex finally took his first steps and how that felt after so much struggle, the worry and the “what ifs”. Like you, I just wanted a crystal ball so that I wouldn’t keep worrying about something that might never happen.
Jilly looks just wonderful and SO happy and independent. I just love it. She’s moving mountains!
This is awesome! It was cool to see her able to freely explore everything! Good luck keeping up with her! She’s adorable.
Simply beautiful. This brought tears to my eyes. And I’m glad your blog is back. I’ve been following you for a while now and I think it was experiencing technical difficulties this week. Happy to see everything is ok.
Awesome, awesome, awesome!!!!! GO JILLY!!