Henry recently found his Always bracelet and has been wearing it regularly again.
He seems to have a penchant for wearing a bracelet of some sort. Sometimes it’s his blue and green paracord bracelet a friend made, other times it’s a set of brown beads that are actually acai berry seeds strung together, and lots of times it’s a watch of some kind. He owns several.
I marvel at the fact that my boy is developing a sense of style all his own, little though it may be. He likes bracelets. Not the shimmering glittered ones that litter the girls’ bedroom floor, but still. Something on his wrist. Almost always.
And then I remember that his dad has a thing for watches too. And now that I think of it, he always has a bracelet of some kind on. For several years it’s been a green rubber wrist band that says “man of God”…and his Always bracelet. He wears them everywhere and everyday. Even when he is in an expensive suit and the leather shoes he has professionally shined by guys in those funny chairs in airports around the country. He sits in meetings with engineers from around the globe always with a proclamation of his Priorities.
So then I smile when I realize that my boy’s style is really, mirroring his dad. Whether he realizes it or not. Because this boy of mine, he adores that dad of his. Stuck like glue to his side. Talking his ear off. Helping. Annoying. But boy does that little man love his father.
So even in bracelets.
Sometimes I forget that that words I type on this screen stay in here. Sometimes I think I explain things to my kids, but realize that perhaps I only explained them to my readers. I feel chagrined and hot with guilt, so I bring it up just in case. Although I swear we’ve talked about this.
“Hey, Buddy?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you know what the Always on your bracelet means?”
“That Jilly doesn’t always have epilepsy?”
I smile.
“Well, that’s a really good one, and that’s so true, but not quite exactly…”
“That Jilly doesn’t die and always stays with us?”
I catch my breath. I wasn’t expecting that. I wasn’t expecting that he understood that much. And that really…he was more right than I would admit out loud. Was the always a battle cry of faith, or a mama’s desperate plea?
I could hardly see my boy and his bracelet through the watery filter. I didn’t want to frighten him. So I looked down. Blinked hard. I manage to eek out a voice that only quivers a little. Hoping he doesn’t notice.
“That’s true too, Buddy. Both of those things are really good, and they are totally right, but the REAL thing it stands for is that God is good. Always. No matter what. So, that even if those things happened. Even if Jilly is never cured of her epilepsy, and…[keep it together Jeannett]….even if she dies and goes to Heaven…God is still good. Bad things don’t mean God is bad. We may not understand them, but God is still God and He is good.”
He bounces away to catch a frog or ride a skateboard or some other such thing that will beg for a shower that evening, and I’m stuck standing so stunned a breeze could knock me down.
Because I wonder how much I believe the words I just whispered to my son.
If she died, would I still feel those words? Would that mantra still be mine? Would I be able to praise in such horror?
And then I can’t help but worry that I’m somehow taunting the Heavens. By proclaiming so boldly a radical idea. My heart feels it’s radical, anyway.
By typing it out, over and over, am I asking to put that all to the test? A cosmic “she asked for it” of sorts?
I don’t believe that God works that way. I don’t. And I’d like to think that if the unthinkable happened, I would eventually…in a winding, dark journey…end with praise…I worry.
But I don’t exactly want to find out.
And it seems extra appropriate in light of all these conflicting emotions that his Always is haphazardly glued back together. Adhesive dried along the seam where the lesson was cracked apart. Temporarily broken. But fixed now.
Just like how my own Always is. And always will be.
So instead I deposit these little truths, to be hidden in my boy’s heart like a treasure buried deep. In hopes that he never needs it, but if he does, it’s waiting for him. On his wrist, and as a part of the fabric of his soul.
And mine too. Because I need it as much as my little charges do.
Always. No matter what. Even if it needs some glue from time to time.
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Wow. These posts of yours are my favorite – speaking the words right out of my heart. I often feel the same way – will saying this out loud “taunt” God in some way? But no, I choose to stand strong in my faith – He is good, always, no matter what. Thank you for sharing your story <3
I think you’re amazing. You can make me cry, laugh, smile and appreciate life. Thank you.
Thank you for this. I follow your blog and a lot of your posts cause me to laugh, cry, appreciate life, be humble, etc. But this post–oh, it went even deeper than all the others. Since becoming a mom, I wondered the same “what if” questions about faith. But God IS good, always. He’s always there, even when we have these questioning thoughts. You are a good mom. Thanks for sharing your life journey.
Awesome! Smart boy to look at his dad and feel like he wants to be the same kind of man. That makes my heart warm as when I drink the bottom of a cup-a-noodle. I couldn’t agree with you more on the entire article. We’re all so lucky to be His children and I’m so very lucky to read your words this morning. #energyboost Thanks for that! ;)
ack! you totally got me!
yes, I so understand taunting heaven – at times I find myself making a “deal” with God. About the lives of those I love do deeply – and I am reminded that He is in charge and He doesn’t make deals – I trust that He is good ALWAYS no matter what!
xo
oh! This post took my breath away & melted my heart & filled my soul, all at once.
God Bless you & your gift with words. He so often speaks to me through your posts. He is with me, with us, with ours – ALWAYS.
Thank you for this reminder. It’s hard to hold onto sometimes, but we need to trust Him, always, because He IS good. <3
Wow. Once again you’ve left me speechless. Life is hard, and sometimes the unthinkable happens, especially when we least expect it. But that is the truth. God is good. All the time. And He has a bigger plan than any of us can even dream of.
http://livingtherealworlddream.blogspot.com
Love this post. I’m that mom. The mom who has one twin here with me and one twin in heaven. He had the seizure you dread. It took a piece of my heart right out of me. I hate to even type it, because I don’t want to add to your worry, but I had to let you know that God has been with us every step of the way. It has been a long and difficult path, but he has given us people to walk beside us and be there for us. He is faithful. Always. Hugs to you.
A very good reminder of just how powerful words can be. I love that you took the time to really explain to Henry what “Always” means to you and your family. What a big heart he has.
I’ve noticed how popular it’s become in the last few years, especially, to splash words and phrases across everything from T-shirts, to wall hangings, to kids’ backpacks, etc. And I see the little girls with “Bratty” or “Princess” or “Spoiled” and I think, did that sweet child’s mother give one thought to what she is projecting not only into the world but onto her own little girl by buying that T-shirt? It’s very sad.
Sorry, second post. :-) A couple of weeks ago, I was traveling through Oklahoma, and ended up Antioch Norman. I loved the sermon this guy preached, and today, was relistening to it, for my own purposes, and to forward it to a friend, and thought you might enjoy it as well. http://antiochnorman.org/messages/the-power-of-peace/
Beautiful and heart wrenching at the same time. Always…sometimes its easy to lose focus on Always. Thank you for the reminder.
This made me cry. After four losses, four precious children went to heaven, my “Always” was shaken to its core. I can say though, He is still on His throne and He is still carrying me through. No matter what. Always.