I often wonder what I’m doing wrong.
Days filled to the brim with tears and frustration and time outs.
My house is LOUD.
Big voices and big personalities. Even when they are being good…peals of laughter bounce off every wall. Sound effects of jets and crashes and assorted beeping and laser beams.
It can be exhausting.
No. It totally IS exhausting.
And I worry. Am I teaching and loving and rearing? Or am I just surviving? Yesterday I had a migraine…so survival was the order of business. But even on regular days…I worry. Am I just screwing this whole thing up? Am I missing the forest for the trees? WHY DO THEY INSIST ON TIME OUTS?!
I used to be a really nice person before I had kids.
And then…Lucy…the one with the biggest personality of them all…the one I fret over the most…undoes me with her big ol’ giant heart. Often. Twice just last week.
I took my kids to an Easter party that one of Henry’s classmates threw (p.s. Never Again.).
Taking four kids to a random mom’s house was a terrible experience. Jill was in a FOUL mood, I really should have called it before we even left. Owen wasn’t faring much better. The house wasn’t “Jill friendly”. Nor were any of the activities. I didn’t know any of the moms. They were overwhelmed by my little blonde screeching charge. It was awkward and uncomfortable. It was one of those moments when the severity of Jill’s disabilities were deeply real. I was a frazzled mess. And came home for a much needed Ugly Cry. Oh the pity party I threw myself that afternoon was fierce. I am not proud.
But…
There was an egg hunt. As the other kids fought and whined and cried that they didn’t have as many eggs as that other kid, or that they didn’t find the special golden egg…I whispered “Lu, can you give Sister some candy too?”
“Sure mom.”
And my Lu…she plopped herself and her basket on the floor next to her sister.
“Shhhhh….wait, Jilly. I’ll get you some. Be patient.”
She opened an egg of M&M’s and gave it to her sister. And another when that one was finished. And yet another.
Not a single whine. Complaint. Or even a grunt.
Not one.
She fished a few rogue jelly beans from the ruffles of Jill’s dress and carefully handed them to her little sister. Patiently. Because it can take time for Jilly to grasp something so small.
“Good job Jilly!”
The other kids kept whining about their loot.
The skate park had a giant egg hunt too.
They pulled Jilly out of line so that she could go first and not get mowed down by the masses of excited littles. Lucy was also pulled out of line with her sister…but Andy told her she had to wait until the other kids came in.
Only Jill could hunt for eggs. Lucy had to watch her sister toddle around and dig in confetti and balloons.
Most kids? Would freak out. Cry. Whine. Complain.
Not one word from this girl with a heart the size of Texas for her little twin sister.
They just know. We have never sat them down and talked about Jill’s needs. They just get it. It’s so natural.
When the rest of the kids were allowed in, Miss Lu was given the green light to hunt around.
And when Andy saw that she had 11 eggs in her basket…exceeding the 5 egg per kid limit…she unflinchingly put 6 eggs back. And was sad as we were leaving when she saw late comers with empty baskets and no eggs left to find in the park.
My kids aren’t perfect.
Far from it.
In fact, the level of patience extended to Jill isn’t always extended to their non-disabled counterparts. I don’t know why. It just is.
While they will never abide by the “seen and not heard” adage of some, they are really good at Love.
And honestly, I’m pretty happy with that.
So maybe, just maybe, we aren’t screwing this whole thing up too royally.
God’s grace is good. Without it, we’d all be a mess.
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what a beautiful, sweet heart in that Lucy of yours :) stay strong, mama. you are a nice person, kids or no kids!
Suzanne´s last blog post ..Yo Monday!
Great post! It warms my heart how siblings of kiddos with special needs have a special sense for their siblings. Our daughter is younger than our son and she watches out for him. At home she might not be so generous with him but in public when there are other kids– she’s on it. If he’s not getting something the other kids have or if he needs a little help, she gladly steps in. When they are being particularly challenging at home, I need to remember the empathy and love she shows for him when we’re out of our comfort zone. Posts like today’s remind me to reflect and just maybe see that we are doing something right. Big hugs to Lucy for being such a great sister!
You are raising such beautifully hearted kids there Jeannett. Never doubt it!
I love this so much. Hugs.
So heartwarming. Don’t you just love catching your kids doing something awesome….when they haven’t even been TOLD to do it?!
Lindsay´s last blog post ..Nora is TWO
Your girls look so cute in those dresses! Although any parent can have moments of doubt (I have them, too!) such behaviour between brothers and sisters can make everything better.
Alexandra´s last blog post ..Chores for kids
i try to survive a lot of days as well. it is so exhausting. i really want to be the best mom, but a lot of days i feel like i miss the mark. it’s comforting to know that i’m not the only one that feels that way. best of luck to you for better days ahead!
lindsay´s last blog post ..Two Little Chickens
This is awesome. I love hearing about kids with such tender hearts at a young age. I hope that my son grows up to have such a sweet heart as your son and daughter’s. So sweet!
Andi T.´s last blog post ..Hmmm… So, It’s Been Awhile…
Oh thank you Lord for Grace!
I kinda wish we could have coffee so I could tell you – I totally understand – been there, felt that, ect. I have a 14 year old son and a 13 year old daughter – there were days I survived only and missed the trees but there were so many more that I didn’t just survive – we lived and loved and laughed, etc. We still do! I think if we don’t question ourselves and reflect, some then we are really missing it! Even though we are in different stages of parenting – you encourage me and inspire me! You are brave Jeannett! I so admire your momma lion heart for your kids!! You are doing just fine ;)
xoTiffany
tiffany day´s last blog post ..Gifts and Blessing
omigosh. God’s grace is the best.
And love trumps all. Even being seen and not heard.
I know God totally sees little Lu and her big heart and he will bless her millions for it.
And her mommy:)
Jessie
Jessie´s last blog post ..What I’m randomly…..
All teary-eyed over this.
My sister had to grow up playing “wait, we have to figure out how to help Rachel” all her life.
And for the most part, she was really patient and ended up learning sign language and becoming a mini personal interpreter for me. But I know having a deaf sister meant stares in public, rude comments she could hear about us, and criticism.
But she turned it into something else. Became a teacher in a special ed program and put her compassion into others. There’s something absolutely basic about caring for someone else to the extent that you place them before your own needs and wants. And even if it doesn’t extend to EVERYONE… it is a sacrifice that your dear Lu’s heart makes. I thank God for her.
You’re doing it right Momma.
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