Different

This post is hard to write.  I can already feel my emotions tumbling around like the balls in a giant lotto machine.

I’ve gotten a few requests for belly pics.  After all, I did it religiously every two weeks with my twins.

But you see, this time is different.

This time, that giddy excitement…that happy-go-lucky-floating-on-clouds feeling is gone.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m SUPER excited to be having a fourth baby.  I cannot tell you.

But…that naive, just countdown the weeks and you’ll be fine, way of looking at a pregnancy are gone.

January of 2011 we had a miscarriage.

It was fairly early (8 weeks), but that doesn’t matter.  It could’ve been 2 days and been just as devastating.

I couldn’t believe I had miscarried after two successful pregnancies…but, then again, just about everyone I knew had had a miscarriage, so I suppose it was “my turn” to be in this awful little club.

And then, a few months later, we were pregnant again. 

And we were terrified.

We didn’t tell anyone.  It was a secret.  We didn’t want to go through all the phone calls and emails and sweet gestures…all coming from a place of love, but all making it just a little more real…and prolonged.

At 10 weeks, I said to Andy “Hey, it’s almost time to spill the beans…”

It looked like things were moving right along…but I was still really scared to tell people.  It didn’t feel right.  Deep down in my soul, I didn’t think it was right.

And a week later, at 11 weeks along, I started bleeding.

I literally ran into our closet and just stood there.  In the corner.  I was in shock.  Complete and utter shock.

AGAIN?!  Twice in a row?!  So far along?  So close to that magical 12 week mark?!  TWICE?!

To add insult to injury, it happened just a few days before we were supposed to fly out to Washington DC…a splurge trip for some much needed alone time…Andy had a conference and I was going to tag along a few days early so we could hang out and then I’d hop back on a plane when the conference started.  We were SO looking forward to this trip.  It would be the first time we would have more than one night alone.  I had never seen the sights, but we could have been going to a corn field in Idaho…I just wanted some one on one time wandering around hand in hand with my husband.  I can’t tell you how excited I was to go on this trip.

So when the doctors forbade me from getting on a five hour plane ride unless I completed the miscarriage “You could start hemorrhaging and die before the plane was able to land!”, I was frantic.  I called the midwife we used with Henry (a dear friend who has since moved) and she agreed…it was a slight chance, but because I was so far along, it wasn’t the safest option.  Even if I didn’t hemorrhage, did I really want to risk having labor pains on a plane?

Of course, non-refundable tickets and hotel rooms meant that while I was able to cancel my flight for medical emergency reasons, Andy could not.  Even changing his ticket to closer to the conference would have cost us an additional $1,000 so late in the game.

So he left for DC.

And I was home.

As he wandered through museums and landmarks alone and processing the events of the week, he admitted he had a miserable time.  He couldn’t stop thinking about it.  This time was much harder than the last for him.

I slowly bled at home and finally miscarried…when I would have been on a plane home.  Alone.  God knows.

(Luckily, my sister and Andy’s cousins were there to help with the kids…they were going to babysit for us while we were gone, and we had them come anyway so I wouldn’t be alone.  What a way to announce a pregnancy, right?)

The whole thing…the horrible circumstances of the trip…how we were separated at a time when I needed my husband the most…how we were SO CLOSE to that “safe zone”…how it was the SECOND TIME IN A ROW…had me reeling.

Was there something wrong with me?  What is going on?  Why is this happening?

Andy came home days later and we went about our business.

We never really talked about what we were going to do next.

Adoption has always had a place near and dear to both of our hearts, and something we were always open to, but we never imagined it would be under these circumstances.

Neither of us knew what this meant.  Were we prepared to go through this again and try again?  Was this a sign that we should follow the nudge to adoption?  Were we reading too much into this?  Were we giving up too early?  There were so many questions.  All of them painful.

And then, while he was in South Korea on business a few months later, I found myself taking another test.  We hadn’t been trying…nor had we been avoiding.  We didn’t know what we were doing.

I was so scared.  I didn’t even want to tell him.  I wanted to spare him the pain in a few weeks when it all came crashing down again.  But it was his baby too and he deserved to know, right?

So, while we chatted on Skype one day, I texted him the picture of the positive test.  And I got to see that million-watt smile…and it didn’t go away the entire conversation.

And that was when I knew it would be alright.

But even still, today at 17 weeks, I expect the other shoe to drop.  I look at the paper every time I go to the bathroom with one eye open, terrified at what I might see.  Every OB appointment I hold my breath when they pull out the doppler…convinced it will be silent.  People ask me about baby showers and I cringe, afraid they will plan for nothing.

I don’t think that feeling will ever go away.

To this day, I have yet to utter the words “I am pr…”  I can’t even TYPE them.  It’s as if I will jinx it.  Which I know is ridiculous.

But it is.

And for now, while it’s public and we are open about it, there is still a very real part of me that doesn’t want to allow myself to get too excited.  A part of me that feels like it’s my way of protecting my little bean…our little world where I wrap my hands around my belly like a cocoon.  It’s our little “secret”.  A secret everyone is in on…but somehow still our little secret where we whisper in hushed tones and giggle.  I feel like a kid under a fort made of sheets…where everyone can hear you and knows exactly what’s going on, but somehow you feel protected and safe.

So, all of that to say: I’m excited.  But I’m scared too.  So this time it’s gonna be a little different.

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jeannett
I'm a mom to four. A wife to one. I believe in story. I love telling you about mine and would love to hear yours. There's really no sense in wasting our suffering and not sharing in each other's joy. We're all in this together...even if it doesn't always feel like it.
jeannett

Comments

  1. 1

    thank you so much for sharing your story. i totally understand how it’s different this time. i’ve never had a miscarriage but i have nightmares about them pregnant or not. sending healthy bean sticking wishes your way. :)

  2. 2

    Oh Jeannett!!! This post makes me sad and happy and everything in between. Sad that you went through it TWICE (and I didn’t know about time #2 :( bad, bad, friend). And happy that a baby will be coming to your home soon!!
    I totally know that feeling of panic at every appointment and bathroom stop. After my first pregnancy with twins that I lost, Jonathan’s pregnancy was TOUGH. Every time something didn’t feel right I just knew I was going to lose him. I was at the doctor’s office SO much b/c I was a total worry wort. It was hard. Hang in there my friend.
    And I don’t need no stinking pictures. Unless they are in cow overalls…..
    Love you!!!
    Miq´s last blog post ..Valentines Day Makeup – Purple Smokey Eye

  3. 4

    I can’t read and not comment. Stay strong. Have hope. Everything all works out in the end. {{HUGS}} from the North.

  4. 5

    Awww. You’ve had more of your share of being “rearranged.” I can understand this mixed bag of emotions {as if you didn’t need more emotions with pregnancy hormones!}. I’m glad to know your whole story… gives me a more specific way to pray for you.
    I really heart you, even though we’ve never met. You are such a sweet, fantastic awesome advocate mom I’ve ever encountered. Little BabyBean is so blessed to be your child. Wow on that, for sure.
    Kimber´s last blog post ..Better Posture and Diction Await You

  5. 7

    I’ve never been in your shoes, but I do understand why this time is different. I will keep you in my prayers!
    Jodi´s last blog post ..Pin-Ter-Vention Party Time!

  6. 8

    Tears. I’m so, so sorry for your losses. I lost my first (who took us 17 months to conceive) mid-way through second tri. We are now back at the RE trying for our second. I want so badly to be pregnant, but will be so scared once I see that positive test. So much of what you write, I can imagine myself feeling. Many prayers for a continued healthy pregnancy.

  7. 9

    Oh Jeannett! I want to cry and smile and then cry again. SO, so happy for you, yet so sad you had to experience the loss. I understand it being “different”. It’s not something any of us wants to feel, but there it is. I was so, so scared the first 5 months of my pregnancy with my son, then I miscarried in between my boy and our adoption process of Songbird. And then lost Songbird in between all that, before bringing Sunshine home. It was different. I love her and it was thrilling to finally complete her adoption, but I wept so many times feeling it was just going to all crumble down again. So, thank you for sharing. I am thrilled (says in a quiet voice) for you guys!!!
    Jaime´s last blog post ..Football Style Bleachy Tee!

  8. 10

    I am in tears. I cannot tell you enough how much this resonated with me. Our stories are so similar.
    I had 2 miscarriages in 2009 after having 3 normal pregnancies. The first one hurt so bad and the second one has left emotional scars on me that will never go away. I swore I would never set myself up for that kind of pain again.

    In February 2010 -without trying- we found ourselves expecting again. I was not comfortable. I was anxious everyday and we pretty much told nobody. The days went on and I was still pregnant! We announced at 18 weeks that not only were we expecting but after 11 years we were finally having another girl! But my motto through the whole pregnancy was that I was holding my breath until she had her first.

    I think I know the anxiety you are experiencing. It sucks being part of ‘that club’. I never in a million years thought I’d be a member.
    Stella is now just about 16 months old.She is the light of this family. I can’t help but think every tear shed led to her. For that I am so grateful.

    Prayers for you and that sweet baby. XOXOXO
    Nikki´s last blog post ..Virtual Coffee 2-7 Plans and L.O.V.E.

  9. 11

    Thank you for your openess. I am so sorry for your losses. I will pray for you and your family.

  10. 12

    Not being a part of “the club” I have no idea how the emotions work, but I know a little better now that you have shared. Thanks for that, friend! When we were preggo with Tobias though, I think you and a couple other friends had all miscarried, all friends that had perfect healthy pregnancies before, and so that made me paranoid for every appointment, every time I didn’t feel his little flutter kicks, thinking it would be me next. Thank you for sharing and opening that box that usually stays closed.

  11. 13

    I will be praying for you and your bean. :)

  12. 14

    Your transparency in sharing this is sure to be a blessing to someone. Thank you for being so brave.
    Kelly´s last blog post ..Tangent Tuesday

  13. 16

    I have been there and it sucks. It’s just not “fair” that we can’t have that happy go lucky feelings about our pregnancies ever again. I SO know what you are feeling and I completely understand. BUT focus on today. ” Today my baby is fine, I am pregnant and I am going to celebrate this wonderful life today.” EVERY day is a gift that you have with that baby. In or out, it’s still your baby and deserves to be celebrated. Even if (god forbid) that other shoe dropped tomorrow. That doesn’t take away the fact that you had this precious baby for 17 weeks. So, for today be thankful and happy and try real hard to not think about the “what if”. Hang in there sweet girl!!

  14. 17

    Thank you so much for sharing your story!! I can’t begin to imagine how hard it was to go through this, let alone type this post to share it. You are brover and stronger than you know. I have said a prayer for you and your little one in progress. Please continue to keep us updated as your comfort level allows and know that you are not the only one that obsessively has checked the paper. Blessings to you sweetie.

  15. 18
    tiffany day says:

    I totally get it – the different part! I had a similar expeirence to your 2nd miscarriage and it really sucks! Sadly for me it was my last time being pregnant – I am SO happy for you – its meant to be; cling to hope and have much faith! Everything will fall into place and you will know when its time to post whatever else about this pregnancy!

    love to you!
    xoTiffany

  16. 19

    I know it’s difficult to share your story. While mine isn’t the same it’s equally difficult, which is why two years later I haven’t typed it up still. I appreciate it though, and I am sure it will help someone. I understand being scared as I was too. My entire second pregnancy. I even felt guilty for not being the happy pregnant lady, especially others would say how they missed being pregnant or how wonderful it was. I hope that all will be well. Whatever is meant to be will be, right? You are a strong woman.

  17. 20

    I also can’t read and not comment. I’ve never had a miscarriage, but felt guarded during my entire pregnancy- so scared it wasn’t going to work out for some reason. My greatest joy was felt when they put him in my arms. I pray that you’ll have a safe and healthy 9 months.
    NJ @ A Pocket Full Of Dinosaurs´s last blog post ..Misadventures in the darkest hour.

  18. 21

    Thank you for sharing your story! I truly hope this pregnancy is healthy and uneventful!
    lissa´s last blog post ..conversations:: lifesavers and mythological creatures

  19. 22

    aww this had me teary eyed a bit. praying for you and your little bean! God works in ALL things! hang on to Him and His promises!

  20. 23

    Thank you for sharing your story. Losing a baby at any time, at any point in a pregnancy, leaves a profound impact. To have to endure that twice makes my heart hurt twice as much for you. I am so very glad that things are going well this time.

  21. 24

    Jeannett, Jeanett, Jeannett. God made you with SUCH a beautiful heart! I love how people in your local life and blogoshpere life just want to love on you! There is just that special something about you! I saw someone who looked like you when I was in Target the other day, and I just wanted to run up and hug her! So I gave you a mental hug instead. I was just thinking of this for you, wondering if it was harder. I’m sorry that it doesn’t get to be remotely carefree for you this time, but I rejoice that every second you had with your babies in heaven were never taken for granted. I’m really sorry for what you went through both times – each time with its own excrutiating story. I love what Tricia said. What beautiful words. I hope you are encouraged today, and that you will have some peaceful moments with your Bean. But if the scary feelings are still there, you go right on ahead feeling them – and know that you are being prayed for. ((Hugs))

    • 25

      anyone ever tell you you have the gift of encouragement my friend? because you do. thank you for your sweet words. ((hugs back))

  22. 26

    Oh, girl. I am so happy that this pregnancy is going well, but so sad that you feel so afraid. I had a miscarriage last summer. I wrote about it on my blog here:

    http://ttbowtique.blogspot.com/2011/10/pregnancy-and-infant-loss-my-story.html

    My due date for that baby was just 3 weeks ago and I keep getting those stupid emails saying that my baby is 3 weeks old and would I like a coupon for free formula? Ugh. Reminders everywhere.
    I’m absolutely terrified to try again. We have one little girl whose pregnancy was a breeze…and then the second pregnancy that ended in loss. Sometimes I think we should quit while we’re ahead and not even risk something awful happening again. Just leave well enough alone, ya know? But then the other part of me aches for her to have a sibling and another go around with a tiny sweet newborn.
    Praying for you…
    Tina´s last blog post ..Yep, Just Like Us

    • 27

      i know it’s scary (trust me) but…don’t allow yourself to make life decisions based on how hard they might be…but by how much joy they will bring.

  23. 28

    I get it. I do. I’m 24w with our fourth, but it’s my seventh pregnancy in 4 years. I’ve lost 2 in first tri m/c, twins in the second tri, and our sweet second son was stillborn in 2009. So….yeah. I get it. We aren’t finding out gender, talking about names, painting a room this time. Yes, I’m thrilled and excited and eager to meet this little on in May, but…yes, this time…this final time….is different.
    Monica @ The Writer Chic´s last blog post ..Wordless Wednesday 2.8.12

    • 29

      exactly! and it’s not that i’m not excited, or that i’m not enjoying the pregnancy…but just more…REVERENT of the process.

  24. 30

    life is scary.
    it is hard not to worry and wonder.
    remember philipians 4:6
    Trish´s last blog post ..thoughts about life

  25. 31

    This is a good post. Probably both for you to say and for the rest of us to hear to know we aren’t alone or crazy in our fears. I had no idea before becoming a parent how terrifying it would be. We lost our second son and the pregnancies after that (2 healthy ones and one miscarriage) were terrifying. I can relate to the checking the toilet paper every time I peed. I’d have to take a deep breath before checking too, but I had to know.

    My youngest is almost 6 months old but I still feel like some days I’m breathing a sigh of relief that he is here with me and healthy. I will pray that you get some peace. And then that the next instant when you are afraid again you can get more peace…

    :)
    Janice´s last blog post ..Highs and Lows – Late January edition

  26. 32

    I completely understand that feeling of “my little secret”. You describe it well. I felt like that this past fall. It feels like a weird way of protecting things yet it doesn’t. Almost like if no one knows then it can’t be taken away from me. 4 yrs ago I had an ugly missed miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat weeks earlier. I had to have a DNC and it was awful. I finally got pregnant again this past October. I was excited but cautiously so because I knew something wasn’t right again. I could feel it. I told my husband, you know this will all be over by December. No one wanted to believe me, neither did I actually. I just knew things weren’t right. When I went for my 8wk visit I saw exactly what I was expecting but hoping not to see. An empty egg sac. 2 weeks later on Thanksgiving weekend I had a miscarriage. It was the most physically painful experience of my life. I nearly passed out several times from the pain. I don’t know where to go from here. I haven’t had a successful pregnancy and frankly I am terrified to try again at this point. I am also afraid of the awful, dark feelings that accompany the 1st trimester hormones.
    You are not alone in how you feel and I wish you nothing but good health for you and your baby. Thanks for sharing, giving me some hope that things can turn out better and reminding me that I am not alone in this pain. I am in a club of special women who share this.

  27. 33

    Thank you for sharing your heart. I cannot imagine and I won’t try to say anything, except that I will be praying for you and your family.
    Susan´s last blog post ..Terrible Pet Parents, Exhibit A

  28. 34

    Im so sorry for your loss. I feel the same way. I had a miscarriage in Dec 2010 and thought we would never get pregnant again (we are amongst the lucky people who get to do fertility treatments. :)). Now I am 23 weeks prego with twins and still wonder if something will happen. You are not alone. I do the same thing with the paper searching for blood. You nailed it to a T. My husband finally had to say, ” stop thinking that something bad is going to happen.” thanks for sharing this post.

  29. 35
    KathkScraps says:

    I have nothing to say really, other than that I am going to pray very hard that you are blessed with a little miracle baby that is perfectly happy and healthy. Hang in there, kidddo.

  30. 36

    A little tear comes as I read your words as I have lost two little ones this year and don’t know what to do next. I lost two babies, had four, including my twin girls, then lost two more. We so want another member for our family.

  31. 37

    I understand your fear. I had two consecutive miscarriages, one of them on a plane home from Hawaii (not sure if I’ll ever be able to go back to Maui). We were able to carry one more child, I am grateful every day, but I remember all too well spending 40 weeks & 2 days scared. People say the darndest things in while we are going through our toughest times – mostly out of a lack of knowing what to say. All I can say is to seek comfort in the Lord – He alone can fill your heart with joy.

  32. 38

    Oh man, I can’t believe you went through another one. Oh, I’m so sorry girl – I hope and pray that as this pregnancy progresses your fears will be relieved and you can enjoy it…although I understand how nervous and scared you must feel. Giant hugs. Thank you so much for sharing such a personal story. I think you’ve gotten all of us teared up over this one.
    I am wondering….was it better for loved ones to know and support you during that time? Or was it better to quietly deal with it as a couple? I’m just curious. I suppose there are pro’s and con’s to each way…just being nosy.
    Kirsten´s last blog post ..Reaching out…

  33. 39

    I cannot imagine two miscarriages in a row. Praying God fills you with HIS peace week after week and that you are able to lay your anxieties in His arms daily.

    We had trouble getting pregnant and then had a successful IVF procedure in August. We found out we were pregnant with twins and then lost one of them at 8 weeks. So many people said things like “Well at least you have one.” Or something similar to ease the pain. I know they meant well… they really did. But a loss is a loss and no matter how many weeks into a pregnancy it still stings. We are praising GOD each day for the little miracle in my belly and I just try to let go of my fears and rest in His peace.
    Brittnie (A Joy Renewed)´s last blog post ..Love Yourself Challenge. . . week 6

  34. 40

    I had a miscarriage this past November. If I’m being totally honest, I was going to be due exactly the time you are due for this baby and your announcement made me burst into tears. About a month ago I felt like I had gotten over our loss, but I forgot about what it would feel like to have people online that I “know” and my friends announce their babies when they came out of the first trimester.

    With our little one that didn’t make it, we told everyone as soon as we got the positive test. I felt wary about telling people so early, even though I’d never had a miscarriage before. After I started bleeding and we had to tell our family that I was not pregnant anymore I complained to my husband that I wish we had not told so many people (in reality it was less than 10 people). He reminded me that those people were now surrounding us with their prayers and grieving with us and in general, they were there for us. Now, the farther away I get from the miscarriage, the more I want to tell people that I had a baby. Especially when I would have hit 13 weeks and people were coming out with their announcements, I wanted to tell people that I had a little baby that died. I wish I had been more open about the announcement so that I would have more people thinking of that little life that was unseen but very real.

    Anyway, all that to say that you have people praying for you. In your fear, in your grief, in your joy. We aren’t meant to handle those things by ourselves I don’t think. I’m not saying you should post belly pics or whatever, I’m just saying that fear is a horribly isolating thing and IMO, it is a tool of the enemy to get us to doubt God’s sovereignty and goodness in the face of danger or grief.

  35. 41

    Thanks so much for this post. I had two miscarriages before having my two children (now 2 and 4) and when I was in the midst of the pain, it was HARD. I didn’t have the “blog world” that I do now, and I felt so alone. I wrote recently about the 5 year anniversary of my first miscarriage, and what all God has taught me through that trial. Miscarriages are something that you just don’t understand until you go through that fire. I know your post came from your heart and I hear you. I was so nervous with both of my pregnancies after having so much trouble, but in the end I knew that I had to trust that His plan was the best for me and I had to trust that He would take care of me, no matter what!
    Sherry Clemens´s last blog post ..A few bullets for you on this lovely Thursday morning.

  36. 42

    Thanks for sharing your heart- praying for you!

  37. 43

    my heart cries out for you.

    I have two beautiful children. I know i am blessed.

    Christmas Eve of 2010 I miscarried.
    The following September I miscarried again. This time it was twins.

    Even though it has been more than a year, I still avoid the Target baby section completely.

    I know i will see them again in heaven, but sometimes I wonder what my house would be like with a few more to fill it up.
    Kate Eschbach´s last blog post ..Happy Heart Day sale {songs kate sang etsy shop}

  38. 44

    I can relate to that feeling every time you go to the bathroom. I thought I was the only one! I am so happy for you that you are this far along :) It’s hard to let go of those terrible feelings but I pray that you are able to reach a happy place in this pregnancy {hug}.
    Jen@mamaZEN´s last blog post ..The Lost May Not Realize

  39. 45

    I know a million people have told you they have been through what you are going through. Miscarriages are devestating and so unexpected. I had one also and you are so right- every time, right up until the 40th week, whenever I had an ultrasound, I held my breath. Now we are blessed with two beautiful, healthy girls and my trust in God (especially in areas out of my control) is so much stronger. You are so brave for sharing your heart and mind- thank you for being real!!

    Prayers to you, pregnant momma!! And so many congrats!!

    Jessie @ Possible Mommy
    Possible Mommy´s last blog post ..Highlight

  40. 46

    I just send up a prayer for your and your little one–for your health and for peace. I am in a similar space of excitement and worry, of hope and fears. This is my fourth pregnancy since fall of 2008, and I have yet to bring a living child home. I am hoping and planning for this little boy to come home, but I feel like I have to be prepared for the possibility of him to join his brother and sisters in heaven. Wishing you the best and hoping this pregnancy brings you enough of the quiet joy and stillness needed to keep the anxiety at arms length.
    Crystal Theresa´s last blog post ..The 5th Belongs to Calvin: In My Heart Giveaways

  41. 47
    Merced Wright says:

    I have been following your blog for a while now- I guess this is me “de-lurking” my self :) and I was touched by your post. It made me cry because I could hear your heart and I have felt (and still feel) those very same emotions. We also miscarried at 8 weeks, then a year later we were pregnant and miscarried at 21 weeks. My heart was ripped in two. And now I am pregnant for a third time and I have made it to 28 weeks and still find that I am catching myself when I get too excited, or getting questions about a baby shower or buy furniture for a nursery etc.. Slowly but surely God is restoring my joy in a new and sweet way. He reminds me to “forget the former things, do not dwell on the past…see I am doing a new thing! Now It springs up , do you not perceive it?” Isaiah 43 18-19 And I put my trust and hope back in Him :) Bless you and bless your pregnancy!!

  42. 48

    I’m at 18weeks today with my 4th child. Your story has reminded me how blessed I have been. With our 1st child my husband and I didn’t tell anyone until I was 22 weeks along. We had been trying to conceive for two years and we were so nervous that something would happen. We waited until the 2nd trimester with our 2nd child and a little sooner with our 3rd child. This fourth pregnancy has been different compared to the others and I knew we would have a hard time keeping it a secret because morning sickness was lasting all day. So of course after we revealed the pregnancy to everyone I have been nervous at every doctor appt and I still don’t feel totally comfortable in the pregnancy until after our ultrasound at 20 weeks. Finally my husband and I will start to consider baby names. My pregnancies have been rather enjoyable and sometimes it slips my mind how precious they really are. Thank you for sharing your experience.

  43. 49

    i went through the same thing, same feelings. i miscarried with child #3. at our 12 week checkup there was no heartbeat. i had to wait 2 more weeks for it to complete.
    when i got pregnant again i was so scared to be excited. i know exactly how you feel.
    melissa stover´s last blog post ..Happy Valentine’s Day