Emotional Hijack – jeannett gibson {infant loss/miscarriage}

As I brainstormed and mulled what I was going to do with my blog, I had the idea to feature bloggers who had dealt with infant loss or miscarriage.

There was no particular reason for this choice, except, most self serving, that it would be unfortunately easy to find people to write.

It seemed like everyone I knew had had a miscarriage, a still birth, or had a baby go home to Heaven too early.

In fact, I would have had a harder time naming people I knew who HADN’T gone through that sadness.

Because to be honest, sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by hurt and pain.

Not just my own…but there are weeks when it seems like every email, every phone call, every text is a story of tears.

And there are days I tell Andy:

“I’m seriously turning off my phone, shutting down the computer, crawling into a cave, and not speaking to another human being for 8 days because I can’t take the brokenness anymore!”

I had no idea I’d soon be able to be my own “guest” blogger.

With my last pregnancy, I was unusually apprehensive.

I was excited, but terrified to announce.

With the last two, we yelled it from the rooftops before we had set the test back down on the sink.

This time, I felt like maybe it was my turn.

Certainly I couldn’t go through this unscathed.

Surely, it was some awful rite of passage…right?

I shook it off.

Told the world.

Bought a tiny stocking.

Told Henry about the baby in mama’s belly.

Planned around due dates.

#4 was on its way and we were thrilled.

And then the baby died inside.

And the tears and sadness and sheer pain was like nothing I had anticipated.

The mourning was deep and real.

The grief palpable.

My heart broke into two and I immediately wanted nothing more but to hug all of my girlfriends.

All of the women who have gone through this…all of my sweet sisters who were now a part of this wretched, ugly club.

The most crippling part of the experience so far has been the way my emotions hijack me.

I’m fine.  Truly.

I go about my day.  All is well.  Days, even weeks without a tear.

I can even talk about it calmly and without welling up.

I’m good.

No problem.

And then…out of the blue…suddenly and without warning, a pang of pain so real and true will hit me like a freight train I never saw coming.

Just when I thought I had it all under control.

It’s not the obvious: seeing pregnant women, belly pictures of sweet friends swollen with their own bundle, snuggling newly born babes…

all of that, in fact, makes my heart swell.

Seeing two pink lines for a friend, a tummy extended, the squishy wrinkly 2 week old skin…

Pure joy.

Genuinely over the moon happy that they are not in this crazy mixed up reality of being a mama to 4, but with only 3 to show for.

It’s the unexpected grief that always surprises.

Planning for a summer trip to the lake that I wasn’t going to go to…because I would be much too pregnant.

Remembering that I packed away the tiny stocking and knowing that opening Christmas boxes will be like scratching the scab off a freshly healing wound.

Christmas.  As a whole.  Christmas sounds really miserable.

Preparing to speak at Blog Sugar in September…and realizing that I should have had a tiny babe snuggled tightly in a Moby as I share my bloggy heart.

Giggling with the three.

Finding Jilly’s shirt…the one that says “Big Sister”.

This summer.  In general.  When I should have been big as a house, aching, toes like sausages, and back throbbing…instead plans are being made, life goes on, as if nothing ever happened.

A little life erased.

Gone before I could ever trace the contours of soft cheeks and button nose.

“Mommy, I can jump by your belly now!  It’s okay Mommy…the baby died and is in Heaven so it won’t hurt if I jump on you.”

“Mama, can the baby come back from Jesus?”  “No son, it can’t.”  “That’s so sad mama.”

And then I move on with life, and everything is back to normal and I laugh and I yell and I do laundry.

Always laundry.

And I’ll be folding some indescriminate pair of pants and I’ll remember the comment:

“I still remember mine 22 years ago.”

I know I will never forget.

I don’t want to forget.

But it’s so hard to remember too.

And even through all of this, my heart just about falls out of my chest when I think about mama’s who held their bundles and had to say goodbye anyway.

Selecting the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Foundation was a no brainer.

A free service to mourning parents of teeny tiny babes…professional, incredible, amazing, belongs on an art gallery wall, photography of their little.

A way to remember.

Something to look at and smile.

NILMDTS is free to families, but certainly not free to run.

Please consider donating…$1?…$5…to support a service that helps families in a tangible way.

{images from the NILMDTS website.}

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jeannett
I'm a mom to four. A wife to one. I believe in story. I love telling you about mine and would love to hear yours. There's really no sense in wasting our suffering and not sharing in each other's joy. We're all in this together...even if it doesn't always feel like it.
jeannett
jeannett

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Comments

  1. 1

    thank you so very much!
    i needed this today. xo
    {i am hoping to go to blog sugar!!}

  2. 2

    Oh this post….brings me to tears….i had 2 m/c’s before I had my girls…the pain is STILL there. I still cry on my would be due dates and it has been 8 years & 5 years ago. I am so happy you picked NILMDTS, I have been an affliate photographer for them for 2 years & it is an AMAZING organization that I am proud to be a part of. Thank you for sharing your story & supporting NILMDTS! Off to donate :)
    Mel @ The Larson Lingo´s last blog post ..Good News &amp Bad News

  3. 3

    No way. Just no way.

    I posted today – on my sister’s little girl’s birthday. Her 7th spent in heaven. And I know we will be incomplete until we see her again. How I wish I had known about NILMDTS then! How I ache for more pictures of Baby Gracie!

    Thank you so much for choosing such a deserving group.
    Rachel´s last blog post ..A Gift for Gracie

  4. 4

    And with fear and trembling (because you have a much larger reader base than I :) I would love if anyone seeing this would mind stopping by our blog. Each comment on today’s post about Baby Gracie will earn $1 to the Carenet Crisis Pregnancy Center in Gracie’s honor.

    Much love,
    Rachel
    Rachel´s last blog post ..A Gift for Gracie

  5. 5

    I got to meet one of the founders of this organization as part of my training/workshops as a photographer.

    While I volunteer to photograph special needs kids and kids in the NICU for no charge to the families – it takes a very very special person to volunteer for NILMDTS. The organization simply hits too close to home.

    Bless each volunteer and donor to this special organization.

    It’s a beautiful one.
    darcy´s last blog post ..Sweet Shot Tuesday

  6. 6
    Grace Johnson says:

    Thank you for choosing such a fabulous organization. The pain and heartache of my miscarriage is still so profound. Our first pregnancy ended in a loss, and our first due date (2/5) came and went. I also find myself crying and sad at random times, and I hope the day will come when we can welcome a sweet baby into our lives. I sent in my donation, thank you again!

  7. 7

    Beautiful post. I can truly relate to “emotional hijacking”! There are many days when I feel like my emotions are not my own, at least not ones I have any control over! I am so glad you picked NILMDTS – one of there photographers provided us with beautiful pictures of our son, Ryan, and the family picture I desperately craved!

  8. 8

    Oh grief. It does sneak up like that.
    Wendy Hagen´s last blog post ..My Daughter is a Frog

  9. 9

    Beautiful and wonderfully honest, Jeannett. Thank you so much for sharing and for supporting this wonderful cause. I am truly lost for words.
    Bronwyn´s last blog post ..A little bit of progress

  10. 10

    I really had to brace myself when i saw your topic. I clicked off the first time. Finally getting up the guts to read it-and it is all so true. I never thought i’d feel the way I do nor woud i continue to get emotional at random times. Hopefully I will be able to read your guest posts and they will help me and others heal too. Note to self-stop reading Jeannett’s blog at work.

  11. 11

    heart breaking for you… grief is so hard. and miscarriage grief is so hard… especially for those having never experienced it… impossible to fully comprehend unless you’re a member of “the club.”
    membership sucks, i’ll tell you that much.
    what a wonderful post and a truly wonderful organization.
    blessings to you and your husband as you press on…
    purejoy´s last blog post ..a spring in my step

  12. 12

    The pain is real. I feel it almost every day. My anniversary is in 10 days. I already feel it creeping in.
    Love you, friend.
    Off to donate.
    No.17´s last blog post ..Happy Dr Seuss Day!

  13. 13

    I love that you are always willing to be used..uncomfortable or not. I read this the day you posted, but I felt so inadequate to post a comment, but I decided to shuck my pride and remind yo again that you are amazing. I’m not just saying it either, own that God has made you to be an amazing example of his love. It’s a gift, keep spreading it! Also, I like to think of myself as a miracle so to speak because my Mom lost a baby before and after me.
    Jenni Carlisle´s last blog post ..Happy Sunday

  14. 14

    I cannot even tell you how much I can relate to this post. Its the little things that make me break down 4 1/2 years later. I know the pain will remain and the reminders will always be there but am so grateful for people like you who will speak out and help all of us who hurt so badly.

  15. 15

    Words fail. Thank you for this post. We lost our first baby to a miscarriage in July of 08, but it never ceases to amaze me that the grief can still be so palpable.

  16. 16

    I still kick myself for not knowing your pregnancy had ended, and for seeming so insensitive. Reading this makes my heart ache- I so badly wish I could give you a hug and then hear you tell me to stop being lame and that you’re REALLY okay. ;) You are so strong- your strength allows so many families to gain what they need…kind words, empathy, funds, prayers. This blog is so amazing…and this series is so validating. It’s hard to have a random emotional breakdown when you think you’re the only one out there who occasionally loses control. Thank you for letting me know that I’m not alone. xo
    Kimmie´s last blog post ..What I Whipped Up Wednesday Winner Announced

  17. 17

    Tears well up just reading your story and nodding my head….yes, that’s exactly how it feels, yes that’s just what I was thinking. We lost our first just this past September. It’s been a long road, but yes it is a comfort to have other women who understand the journey and the struggle. Thank you for writing your story and for including the stories of the other ladies each Monday as well.

  18. 18

    Thank you so much for posting this. Not only have I been through a miscarriage but also a stillbirth at 38 weeks. My heart aches and I feel like I have no one to turn to anymore, not even my husband anymore. They have all moved on and want the same for me. It means a lot to be able to read these post and have someone to relate too.

  19. 19

    So nice to hear someone else verbalize the same feelings I have. Great support. Thank you.
    Kerry @ Made For Real´s last blog post ..Day 17

Trackbacks

  1. [...] Every week {on Mondays, if I remember correctly} she will be featuring a new blogger… a blogger who has experienced miscarriage/ infant loss. She will in turn be raising funds through giveaways and donations for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. She writes about her decision in choosing this organization here. [...]

  2. [...] I’m not,… rather, I’m hoping this helps someone else like it did me. Just found this old post (as in a year ago March type of old post) by Jeannet, from Life Rearranged. I can’t emphasize [...]

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