A Different Kind of Mother – Julie Carson {infant loss/miscarriage}

If you are new here, this post is part of a series on infant loss/miscarriage.

Every Monday a different blogger will share her story and journey.  Subscribe here if you’d like to follow along in the coming weeks.

Julie is a bloggy friend that is now an “in real life” friend.

I don’t know how I would have made it through my own miscarriage without her sweet words of encouragement.

The following post was originally published in April 2010.

With Julie’s permission I am re-publishing it.

It’s too beautiful and poignant to not include it in this series.

* * * *

It was a happy normal day.

I had been contracting all weekend.

The ladies at bible study were giving me tips on how to jumpstart labor.

Funny tips.

I had my last OB appointment that afternoon.

The clothes were washed.

The room was painted.

The crib was built.

The suitcase was packed.

The carseat was safely buckled in the back of our car.

We were ready.

But in fact, we were far from ready.

Not ready in any sense of the word.

Not ready to hear the words “there is no heartbeat.”

Not ready for the dark and scary road that suddenly was in front of us.

The road we were forced to suddenly walk.

A road where babies die.

Where arms are empty.

Where planning a memorial and choosing a casket are part of the journey.

Two days later I gave birth to our 6lb. 8oz. daughter

Joy Emma.

Our daughter that we would never see take her first steps.

Graduate from high school.

Get married.

Have children of her own.

Everything we planned, everything we knew, changed that day.

We were parents without a child.

Grieving for a future that we would not see.

Dreams that would not come true.

Our hearts broke that day.

We became different people.

What we did not realize is that we became better people.

Stronger people.

People who have more strength than we ever imagined.

Love more fully.

Care deeply.

Live passionately.

Serve thankfully.

Give generously.

Long for heaven like nothing else.

That day I never would have imagined the legacy that Joy’s short life would leave.

The people who have been changed and encouraged.

The mother that I am now is an entirely different one than I would have been without Joy.

Every day is a gift.

Every moment is precious.

I am abundantly blessed.

With my three sweet girls here on earth and with my sweet girl in heaven.

My daughter that I will see again.

Hold again.

I realize now that the months of mourning and grieving are just the dark brushstrokes on the beautiful, wonderful painting that is my life.

The painting that is still so much a mystery, but a wonderful masterpiece that will all make perfect sense when it is completed.

I simply cannot wait for that day.

* * * *

This series is not just a litany of stories.

My goal is that it helps heal.  Encourage.  Glorify.

In conjunction with this series, we are also supporting one another in love by fundraising for the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation.

“The Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation (NILMDTS) administers a network of more than 7,000 volunteer photographers in the United States and 25 countries. At a family’s request, a NILMDTS Affiliated Photographer will come to your hospital or hospice location and conduct a sensitive and private portrait session. The portraits are then professionally retouched and presented to the families on an archival DVD or CD that can be used to print portraits of their cherished baby.”

Join us in giving.  Every dollars counts.  Don’t think your portion isn’t enough.

 

 

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jeannett
I'm a mom to four. A wife to one. I believe in story. I love telling you about mine and would love to hear yours. There's really no sense in wasting our suffering and not sharing in each other's joy. We're all in this together...even if it doesn't always feel like it.
jeannett

Comments

  1. 1

    Thank you for sharing…I could have written it myself. My daughter was born at 39 weeks……still. She would be turning 4 soon……

  2. 2

    I remember the day I 1st read Julie’s story. I couldn’t stop crying while reading it. Little did I know that we’d walk through a similar situation a year later. I met with Julie a few months ago. I’d followed her blog, left comments, seen her beautiful pictures – but I needed to ask how she learned to breath again. See with my own eyes because I didn’t think I would be able to breath again. Our little coffee date was such a blessing to me. Joy has touched so many lives. Joy’s story has helped me and my husband. I know Joy and our sweet Samuel are eating cupcakes in heaven…with beautiful bunting banners! Thank you for sharing her story.
    ingrid´s last blog post ..my baby

  3. 3

    Such true words
    Holly´s last blog post ..Birthday Giveaway 1

  4. 4

    You’re awesome. Julie’s awesome. Together you’re awesome x 2.3 zillion. I love what you do, Jeanette. I want my blog to be like yours when it grows up. ;)
    Jessica Johnson´s last blog post ..Happy Sunday

  5. 5

    Oh how this makes me cry. Beautifully written. And hope-filled. Thank you for sharing.
    Jodi´s last blog post ..The 3 party weekend Part Two

  6. 6

    Heaven… where we will meet our little ones one day. My heart is warmed by the encouragement.
    Kate @ Songs Kate Sang´s last blog post ..Disneyland Arrival

  7. 7

    Julie is truly an artist with words (though she apparently has a mean spray-painting finger!) – she shares her story with so much honesty and encouragement, always turning to Jesus. Thank you.
    lori´s last blog post ..Grace

  8. 8

    I like Julie.
    Wendy Hagen´s last blog post ..Breaking into Show Business

  9. 9

    “We were parents without a child.”
    We’ve been there & know the pain.
    Thanks for sharing!
    erin´s last blog post ..Pretty Up The Kitchen Counter

  10. 10

    I’m so thankful for this series!! So much that I decided to link back to it on my own blog today. It is blessing me, and adding a little extra healing to the pain that never completely goes away. I, also, pray that all of this not only informs and blesses, but brings glory to the Healer of this great hurt. Thank you again for doing this for so so so many who will be touched and uplifted by it.