i needed them to count.
i just wanted to know if this was twins or not again.
just count.
no big deal.
then the chatty ultrasound technician stopped being chatty.
she got serious.
i watched her swallow hard a few times.
she looked and looked.
yet said nothing.
i begged her to tell me something.
that i knew she wasn’t legally supposed to.
i promised i wouldn’t tell anyone.
tears streaming.
she explained that “sensitive situations” would be explained by my ob.
it was 5:30 by now.
no one would be at my doctor’s office to call me until morning.
i cried.
desparate. knowing that something was terribly wrong.
thankfully, my ob’s office did call later that night.
there was no heartbeat.
the baby had died two weeks earlier.
but my body didn’t know it.
i still had all the symptoms, my uterus was still growing, i was with child.
except that that child no longer lived inside me.
within 3 hours of my appointment, i began bleeding.
as if now that my brain knew, it told my body to let go.
i have many friends who have miscarried.
i have shed tears for them.
been heavy hearted for them.
but i had no idea.
the grief and mourning i am feeling is so deep.
i am shocked by my inability to hold it together.
i am surprised by how truly difficult this is.
i want nothing more than to stay in bed all day.
seeing my other children, and their *realness* is physically painful sometimes.
the ugly cry has made several appearances.
accompanied by silent tears throughout the day.
and night.
because the truth is that once you see that second pink line…
you set a place at the table for your baby.
vacations and trips are planned and unplanned.
bedroom assignments are discussed.
visions of laughing, playing and fighting.
no matter how small and how new, that baby has a place deeply entrenched in your family.
and i miss my baby.
deeply.
i had settled comfortably in my identity as a mother of four.
i know that i will hold it one day in heaven.
i know that Jesus is rocking him and singing him songs.
i believe that.
truly.
but i want to hold my august baby in august damnit.
i want to smell that sweet newborn smell and feel that soft skin in the warm summer sun.
not sometime in eternity.
and i am sad.
so so sad.
i had no idea.
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I just lost my fourth as well-also due this summer. Thank you for sharing your story and making me feel not alone.
My heart breaks for you right now – I’m so sad to hear this news. I know how immediately protective I felt when I was first pregnant. I hope you can try and trust that God must have had his reasons for this. Big hugs to you girl, I’m so sorry!
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My heart aches for you. I lost my first. And you said it perfectly,
“because the truth is that once you see that second pink line…
you set a place at the table for your baby.”
That’s the best way I’ve ever heard the loss of a miscarriage described. You’re in my prayers and my heart.
Kyla´s last blog post ..GroopDealz- SheyB!!!
I’m so sorry! My heart aches for you guys. Tears are flowing! I’ll be praying for you.
my friends have miscarried as well, and i always, like you, felt so sad for them, but it wasn’t until i miscarried our 3rd baby that my heart felt the true impact of the loss. such sorrow. i still think of that baby and sometimes i picture her/him playing with my other girls. and ALWAYS when someone asks me how many children i have, my heart immediately says “4 almost 5” while my mouth only utters the seen, “3 almost 4”. know that i truly feel your pain and am grieving with you. so so sorry for your loss jeannett.
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Hi there…
I’m a long time lurker, but I just had to chime in on this one.
I’m so sorry to hear this sad news. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone (even though it feels like it now). SO many of us have miscarried (I had two miscarriages in between my two boys). It’s one of those taboo subjects, and it shouldn’t be because so many people go through it. So thank you for sharing your story – and making other people realize it’s ok to share their stories and feelings, too. And thanks for your awesome blog… I’ll go back to lurking now. :)
It is likely that no words will ease your pain. I’ve been there. Around 4 1/2 months I went in for a routine ultrasound all giddy and saw the stillness in the technician’s face. Two weeks had passed. I had to deliver. The trauma that ensued and that continues to haunt me is unbelievable. No one understands how I feel, even if they’ve gone through similar pain themselves. Still, after eight years, there are no answers to *why* we lost our baby girl. And although we’ve since had a nearly perfect little boy, the pain has not gone away. Watching and supporting friends during their pain is nice – thoughtful and caring. But you’re right, you had no idea. And that’s okay. Now, you will be drawn to God in a way you never have before. Praying you peace, healing through time (don’t skip any of the stages!), and Grace to accept His plan.
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My heart is absolutely breaking for you and your family, Jeannett. I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. You may not know me at all but please know that my thoughts and prayers are going out to you from across the country.
Jeanette – I started reading your blog a few weeks ago and you’ve been a real blessing to me. Just wanted to say that even though I don’t know you, you’re in my thoughts and prayers.
Love (from across the ocean)
Becki (in England) xx
I just found you through Twitter (your convo with April) and I am so sorry for your loss. I couldn’t even imagine the pain. My husband and I are trying to have a baby and every month I get sad at a negative test. I know this in no way compares to what you are going through. You are in my thoughts.
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I’m so sorry for you and your family. I’m praying for you!
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i’m so sad for you. so very sad!
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I am so sorry. Miscarriages SUCK. Praying for you friend.
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Oh Jeannett, I am so, so sorry. Hugs to you, friend.
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Thank you for sharing this deeply hard time with us. I had to pause in my reading of this post half way through, to get a tissue. While I haven’t been there, and I know there’s no way for me to know how hard and sad it truly is, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for about a year and a half now, and as much as it’s hard that we’re not pregnant, it’s harder to have had a loss. A friend of mine gave birth to a precious little girl last summer, stillborn. I’ll bet her little girl, Anne Michelle, is playing and singing up in heaven with your baby. Until we can all be up there with them, I’ll be praying for you!
I am so sorry, and I’ll be praying for your family.
Eli´s last blog post ..today
I am so very sorry. Thinking of you – we lost a baby before our 1st child and it was very hard. Hugs.
Jenny´s last blog post ..Only love can do that
Oh hun, I am so sorry. I do know what it feels like. We have been trying to get pregnant for almost two years now and I had a miscarriage in June. It is so hard to be planning on something and know that there is life inside you…only for it to be gone just as quickly. I feel for you and I am praying for you.
I am so sorry. I know how hard it is, and I wish that I could hug you and we could cry together. Everything that you said is absolutely true. The minute you see those lines, your life changes. Again, I am so sorry and I’m praying for you and your family.
XOXOXO
Nicole Marie Lingley´s last blog post ..Snow Day
I’m sorry for you and your family! Hugs =0(
Oh Jeannette, my heart is breaking for you. Its been a month or so since I have been on here ( my daughter had her heart surgery, shes doing great!) I don’t know you, but as a mommy who has had nothing but high risk pregnancies, my worst nightmare played out before me as I read this. Nothing can replace that baby or ease the pain you feel, but keep turning to God because eventually he will dull it. And know that a stranger thousand of miles away from you is praying for peace in your mommy heart.
I am so very sorry for you and your family. I cannot even begin to know what you are going through. Your family will be in my thoughts during this difficult time. =(
i am so sooooo sorry. i miscarried 3 times and still miss those babies. i will be praying for you. please email if you need anything. praying…
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Thinking of you and praying for you! So sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself. I am praying for you and your little one in heaven.
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear this. I just said a prayer for you and your family. I just can’t fathom the pain you must be experiencing. I know there are no words I can say that can make you feel better, but I am so sorry :(.
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Saying sorry is just not enough. I know this all too well. I lost my 3rd angel baby in april of 2009 and was told I would never have children. Amazingly I conceived again a month later and he has helped me heal in more ways than one. I hope for you that your pain is short. -hugs-
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:(
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My heart is with you as I too have had 2 miscarriages. Both were early, but both were so sad and hard.
Get out your favorite jammies ( as my husband did for me) light a candle of love and curl up with a book, a movie and be still.
Lisa Leonard’s necklace “be still” always reminds me to slow down and be still
That is what you need right now.
Send the adorable kids to the park for an afternoon and take care of YOU!!!!
My thoughts are with you….. Best Shauna
Shauna Lobre´s last blog post ..A LONG OVERDUE THANK YOU!!!
I have been reading your blog for ages but I don’t think I have ever commented before. I am so sorry. All my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Xx
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for you, I have had four miscarriages myself and I know the grief and pain you are feeling. And even though I’ve gone through it I’m at a loss for words. There really are no words, only time. I will be praying fervently for you and your family.
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My heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry. Thoughts and prayers to you.
Jeannett, I am so so so sorry. I’m sorry that you have now joined the “club” of understanding. :( I hope that you find friends who will listen and let you cry.
oh friend, i am so sorry. i can’t even imagine what you are going though. but know that you are in my prayers. if there is anything that i can do, please let me know. i love you!
Jeannett, i am so sorry to hear about this. My heart broke as i read this. Please let me know if there is anything i can do. XOXO
Thinking of you, praying for you, crying with you, and understanding your pain. You can never explain it, and it will never leave you, but know you have angels here on earth, and ones above looking down on you. The angels that were meant to be in your arms are, and the ones that are meant to be above are there guiding you. Lots of hugs going your way dear.
Oh Jeannett I just now read this and am so, SO incredibly sorry. No words, just tears and prayers for you. We love you guys.
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we lost our “third” 4 years ago. 9 weeks gestation. i watched the heart beat stop on the Dr’s ultrasound monitor. it was horrific. I almost punched the Dr. I am so, so sorry Jeannett – it’s true you do set a place at the table for your baby. Mike and I couldn’t believe how sad we were from our loss. God has a plan, i don’t know what it is, but He does.
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So sorry, Jeannett! I had no idea at Blissdom and wish I could have given you an extra hug just because. Here’s a cyber squeeze, {{*}}
We lost our #3 at 12 weeks about a month ago, also due this summer – July. You are so right – we did start making plans for our baby as soon as we knew and now that baby is gone. And it hurts, so bad.
I’m so so sorry.
I found the post. I should have known. I am kicking myself over this morning’s tweet. Really…crying HARD over it. When I lost Riley and people missed my memo, I cursed them for making me tell them all over again. You can curse me. I know the feeling of everything in this post. Not knowing. Feeling fine. Expecting and planning and thankful for another little one. I am so incredibly sorry, Jeannett. I wish I could rush over to your house and bring you presents and yummy food and give you a huge hug as a REAL apology. I wish I had never mentioned your pregnancy- especially in the awful saracastic way that I did. I promise I had no idea. I am praying for your heart to mend. HUGE HUGE HUGE hug to you, lovely lady. <3
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Hello! I stumbled upon your blog while searching for nursery ideas for our yet to be conceived 2nd child. We’ve had fertility issues for the past 2 years, and I lost our first pregnancy in June of last year. I wanted to tell you you’re not alone, and I am so hoping for positive happy, happy things for you! I love the blog and will continue to read and be inspired. :)
I know it’s been a little while since you wrote this, but I just read it and had to comment. I am so sorry for your loss. Those are the only words that are appropriate and yet they are so insufficient.
Last week I lost my fourth baby. This was our 4th pregnancy and our 4th loss. We have been pregnant 4 times and lost 4 babies. I think the best “advice” I got was that the pain does not go away, but it eventually gets more bearable.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss and for the dreams that have been lost. Thank you for sharing your heart.
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I am so sorry for your loss. And I am sorry that I can relate so well to your pain. We have been through a similar experience this year. Thought I was 10-11 weeks along, due in Aug. or Sept., went in for ultrasound. Measured small & no heartbeat. A grueling wait for a follow-up ultrasound a week later–only to have our worst fears confirmed. Then a longer than expected wait for nature to take its course to end it all. And all the plans and dreams on hold. I guess it’s all part of membership in the club. So grateful for the comfort in the arms of my God–and my sisters. May He continue to heal your heart and strenghten your body.
I just read your post and am crying so many tears for you – for both of us. I lost my fourth baby about a month ago at 10 weeks, and it has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I am so sorry that we have this in common. Please know that you are in my prayers. I pray that both of us find peace and strength during this difficult time.
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I just came across your site from Joy’s Hope, and I will definitely be following your series. We must have found out within days of each other about losing our little babies. I had my appointment on 01/17 and found out that the sweet baby inside of me was no longer alive. I was also due in August… I know exactly what you’re saying about the random moments that catch you off guard. We’re moving this summer and I had all the plans made out in my mind how I’d have just enough time to get the nursery prepared before the little one came, and now there’s no need for it. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story, and for doing this series. As much as I hate that other people have had to go through this, it does help when we can share our pain with one another. Looking forward to the day when we’ll all get to hold our sweet babies in Heaven.